Are aspies often unable to say NO to people?

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jmnixon95
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20 Aug 2010, 8:32 pm

NO



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28 Oct 2010, 8:28 pm

Yes. Unless it's family.

I also have a tendency to say I agree with people, when in reality I don't. Like if see a movie and I like it. but I'm talking about the movie and the person hated it, I pretend I did too.. I don't know why,.



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29 Oct 2010, 12:40 am

I often say no. People give me weird looks and complain more and I still say no. They keep talking and I look down and keep saying no while trying to find something to look at/focus on.

When it comes to friends, since I have so few, I find it hard to say no to them, but I do pretty often.



Last edited by Scanner on 29 Oct 2010, 12:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

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29 Oct 2010, 12:42 am

I have a hard time saying no.


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29 Oct 2010, 1:07 am

I was often in trouble as an child becuase I wouldn't say yes very often and would refuse to do things unless I had a clear reason that made sence or if there was something in it for me sometimes even if there was a good explanation for why I had to do something I still wouldn't do it. I often had to be bribed to do a lot of things because I went through a phase where I needed to have a reward for doing even the simplest thing and I wouldn't accept just anything as a reward. My mom once payed me $20 for behaving for a blood test. Peing poked with a needle didn't phase me but having to have my blood taken all the time did I was begining to feel like a freak. I wasn't one of those kids who could be bribed with a single dollar.


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yellowLedbetter
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30 Oct 2010, 1:07 pm

I never really thought about it as an aspie thing, but yes I have a hard time saying "no" to people. I always give in to avoid conflict and I always avoid hurting people's feelings. Again, mostly to avoid conflict or avoid anxiety on my part.



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30 Oct 2010, 2:01 pm

i have had this problem in the past, and it creeps back into my life every so often but i think i got a handle on it now



Joe90
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21 Dec 2010, 11:33 am

Don't say NTs don't have this problem, because, funnily enough, a lot do. My mum is NT, and once her friend asked her to come with her to the cinema, and she didn't like the film what they were going to be watching, but she was panicking because she didn't want to say no. Also, my 28 year old cousin is NT, (and very confident and popular too), but she's letting her boyfriend boss her about and take over her life because she feels bad to say no to him, even though saying no to some things isn't nasty. And there are other NTs who I know who don't like saying no either.

But anyway, let's talk about Aspies here. Yes, this is more common in Aspies - I suffer from it too, and it makes life so hard. I've lost 3 friends in my past by putting my foot down, and I was surprised because I always thought being assertive was the only way to get on with people in life.
The first friend I lost was at school. I didn't want to stay on in sixth form with her, because the teachers had arranged a college course what would be good for me, and I wanted to, so I said yes. But my friend wanted to guilt me into staying on with her, and she knew I would give in - but I didn't, and on the very day before I started this new course, she didn't want to speak to me any more.
My second friend bullied me for being assertive. I had met this one in college, and we knew a boy who fancied me and my friend wanted me to go out with him, but I already had a boyfriend so I said no, and in the end a few horrible girls started bullying me - all because I had a boyfriend and so had to say no to this other boy (who I wouldn't have gone out with anyway).
And my third friend was the one I met at work, and he's much older than me. He wanted me to come round his, and every time I said, ''no I can't make it this week'', he always put back a nasty text - all because I said no. And I did see him a lot, but each time I had to say no, he got stroppy.

How the hell are you meant to be assertive and keep friends?! :roll:
I know the answer is probably ''you have to be assertive in the right ways'', but I was being assertive in the right ways. I had right reasons to say no, and I had no choice but to say no. And all these friends who have fallen out with me were NTs. I would have thought NTs would know better than to get the hump with me over nothing worth it.

See - NTs aren't always wonderful perfect socialisers what are experts at keeping friends. I've learnt a lot about NTs since I left school, and they aren't what we think. Maybe they know they can get the hump with whoever they like because they know they can always make other friends, so they tend not to cling to people, I don't know.


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21 Dec 2010, 6:50 pm

catherineconns wrote:
I don't like disagreeing, saying no, or disrupting the flow if it gets the spotlight put on me. Saying "no" as much as I'd like to would draw more attention to me than I'm comfortable with.

And when it comes to doing favors, I find it very difficult to say no because I feel like doing nice things for people is one of the only ways I can indicate that I really do want to be friends with them (because my lack of social skills and reluctance to actually go hang out with them seems to give them the opposite idea).


same for me =/

and when I was younger I would get in trouble for telling my parents no which kind of got stuck in my head with other people i think...


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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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21 Dec 2010, 7:44 pm

Alla wrote:
Do you feel that you often say yes when you actually mean no? Do aspies have a tendency to not be able to say no to people?

I can say no without any problem.



bucephalus
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21 Dec 2010, 10:32 pm

I struggle to say no for the simple fact that it is often technically a lie. If someone says 'can you do me this favour?" I'll say 'yes' If there is any possible means of me doing it, even if i can't be bothered. this often results in me agreeing to things and not doing them



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21 Dec 2010, 10:33 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
I have a hard time saying no, because I don't want to hurt the other person.

Ditto:)



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21 Dec 2010, 10:42 pm

bucephalus wrote:
I struggle to say no for the simple fact that it is often technically a lie. If someone says 'can you do me this favour?" I'll say 'yes' If there is any possible means of me doing it, even if i can't be bothered. this often results in me agreeing to things and not doing them

Then say yes, but that you don't want to. When someone says do you want to do such and such for me I say no, but I will.

I say no very easily.



Magnus_Rex
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21 Dec 2010, 11:29 pm

I tend to say yes when I want to say no, but when I manage to say no, it's always my last answer.



Cicely
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22 Dec 2010, 1:29 am

I never used to have problems saying no. Now I do. When someone asks me for something, it's hard for me to say no. I feel put on the spot and I can't quickly think of a kind way to decline. There's a balance between doing what I want and doing what others want. I've yet to find it.



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24 Dec 2010, 11:24 am

A lot of people seem to say yes to everything and then not do it.

If someone asks me to do something I can't answer until I think about whether I can do it or not. If they don't get an answer straight away sometimes they'll get mad and think I won't. But that's okay because then I don't have to.