lost my sons to adoption

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This is good information. I now know not to agree to temporary foster care. Actually I had my sister take my son for a few months when he was under two because I could not get control of my drinking. It enabled me to go into treatment and get sober for good. He doesn't consciously remember it. If the state had taken him away I might have despaired completely. The realization that I couldn't be a good mother while in active addiction was my "moment of clarity".

Not wanting to post much here, as it is open to all. The SS make me ill and I seem to have missed where the OP was from.
Did he say?

I don't think you are either.




They do it to children as well, when they are old enough to be interviewed on their own
and sometimes when the parent or guardian is right there.



WP would most likely not be taken down if that was to happen, unless the owner took it down.
Things like cases where schools have had remote access to webcams, via laptops really bother me.



Good for you. You may also want to check with human rights groups and people in the medical know-all for networking and what branch you should pursue.



Do you know the Boy Scouts Motto?



Depending on where you are from and how 'well behaved' you were, you might have been better off then the OP.

On the other hand, if they do look at you, they have been known to ask schools, day cares and the parents neighbours. As well as family and friends and their neighbours as well.

No.

I do not think it is fair to judge the story without knowing all the facts. Depression is a complicated state, the OP could have been apathetic and neglectful to his children, or he could have been overly nasty and irritable to them to the point they lived their lives in distress and angst. My parents were unstable aspie types and i feel shaky even now thinking about the mood swings and tantrums they could have and take their rage out on me. I don't believe all people who work for social services are demons who want to steal aspies kids just because they're unconventional. Sometimes parents are abusive. I find it really distressing that everyone on this thread is praising up to the OP, and noone has any concern for his kids and how they might have been affected by whatever badness it was in his parenting, when we don't really know anything. I wish someone had stepped in when i was a kid to see how mine occasionally bizzare and unstable parenting was messing me up. It may be that the OP simply wasnt coping, not giving them enough food or attention, and that they had to worry about the kids more than him. Or he may have been physically hurting them in rages! Or he may have just been a bit unconventional and had the wrong schooling views - we dont know though. I do not agree with taking the OPs side so readily, without knowing any of the details, simply because he is aspie and a WP poster.

Last edited by Mutate on 14 Aug 2010, 4:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

You speak truth, Mutate.

Thanks SG, it does not make me happy though as it is such a sad situation either way. I do not think people with psychological problems are to blame for what they do but people still do need to protect themself sometimes. My parents both had abusive and neglectful parents of their own, and god knows what my great grandparents were like. Probably just victims of industry and poverty over crowding. i can only speculate.

I think it is worth saying though that though the stereotypical view of depression is of someone a bit apathetic and withdrawn, depression can also make people angry and irritable and lashing out. They should not have lied to him and told him it was just a temporary break.

Yeah, either way, I feel sorry for the OP... A lot. It's a terrible situation from any point of view. And you're right about them lying being very wrong.

Mutate: I understand what you're saying--we're assuming that the OP is a good and honorable person and, hopefully, a good dad.

But you need to understand that in MOST cases foster care does more harm than good. I don't mean to do the whole broken-record routine, but foster kids are violent towards each other and often gang up on the younger kids. It's a horribly abusive situation, and girls who end up in foster care are often raped. Because they can't get out of the foster care system, they'll often end up pregnant from being raped and their own children will have to suffer the same way that they do.

And that's just those who survive the system. Less often, but even more horrifying, are the kids who end up dead.

Assuming you are an aspie, Mutate, you'd be at an even higher risk for bullying. Foster kids are isolated, so there's no calling DHS to get into another foster home. And there's no guarantee the next one would be any better if you did. It could be worse. You get the same trouble at the DC, but at least in jail you have guards, three hots and a cot, and half a chance.

And you can forget about adoption. The older you get, the less likely you'll find adoptive parents (they usually want babies, not "kids"). The OP is unique in that his kids were placed in an adoptive home by parents who actually probably want them. Those kids are the lucky ones.

I can't speak for Great Britain, but I know in the US that DHS is utterly horrible.

Read this:

Criticism

Yeah, and that's just the cleaned-up Wikipedia article.

Check this out:

FightCPS

And this, a slightly more vitriolic website:

AFRA

If that scares the hell out of you, GOOD.

I know someone who was placed in foster care because she was being abused at home. She was again abused in foster care. The damage done to her is significant. She may be an aspie but she is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She cannot work and is one of the most angry miserable people I have ever known.

I haven't read this whole thread but my heart is breaking. I don't think AS alone or even depression disqualifies a parent from being able to raise their kids.

I would ask for the detailed reasoning, and read it carefully. How much is about you, specifically, and how much is about predictions on how you might be behave based on a diagnosis? Remember, you are a unique individual and not a statistic, and should be able to argue against anything that is generalized.

For the record, should my AS (undiagnosed) husband and I ever divorce (which we won't ), I cannot think of a single reason to NOT grant him equal and shared custody. He is wonderful father, and has his issues well compensated for and under control. In many ways, he's a better parent than I am. Fact.

This story is important to consider, though, for anyone trying to decide if they want to go through a formal diagnosis process.

1) I agree with you about facts and sides and I know not all that work for The SS are like that - but the truth is, it does happen and not just to Aspie parents. When situations like this come up, be it from parents side or The SS, I believe people need to take notice, educate themselves and gain knowledge and understanding in these kinds of situations. Because it is only with those will people be able to make a difference. And I am not just meaning when children are removed for maybe no good reason, but also when it is to late and children have been harmed or killed by parents. Or when a case comes up against The SS on neglect and children were harmed.

Situations like these are not getting less, they are becoming more often. If people do not just look at it from an emotional stand point, or remove the blinders of 'its not my problem' maybe some day they will be able to stop some child from being harmed - be it in foster care or in their own homes.



2) I do not agree with taking the OPs side either. I do believe in giving people the benefit of doubt, if they have already earned some trust. I had never seen the OP before, but I have only been here a little while.
- But I have seen others post here and feel they need knowledge and to understand what can happen
- Reread my post, because I do not believe I gave the OP any praise and I think there was others that did not as well - I was also not wanting to say a lot
- I think that you and I might be looking at it from the same stand - Slightly emotion driven (we both got shaky) AND both from knowing what it could be like - but I do not know your side or emotions - For me, yes, I had just spoken to someone from my childhood I have not seen since then and was able to thank them, so I was already in my own emotional state when I saw this thread
- I personally did not want to touch on the children - that can be to much for some to handle and I for one would not want to be the one to cause more stress and worry for any that are in this situation. Or upset any female that may be pregnant - they have enough stress as it is.
- People by now, should know that abuse can happen in many different ways - no need to go into details
- But I would rather say a little and maybe give a slight nudge towards info. Until the main 'heat' of it cools down a bit, remember many were posting soon after it happened or was first posted.

3) And sometimes, The SS really screw up on what they pick for foster home 'care' givers
- As I already said, I didn't want to touch on the kids
- I will not say I understand where you are coming from, or that I know how you feel and what you went through. Because there is no possible way
for anyone to say that and anyone that tries to, I hope you tell off.
Unless you have a brain to brain connecting devise, if so, please share.
- I also do not know where you are in your healing and growth from your childhood. Only you know these things and only you can feel your
pain, suffering and emotions and only you can make the choice to heal and move on or stay with it. Only others can do is offer an ear a sounding board
and gain some knowledge in these kind of situations. Advice is either free or really expensive - you choose what to do with it, we all do



1) I agree and sometimes people just think I am crazy for thinking that way. That maybe I have not worked past my childhood issues, that they feel it is their right to try and have me do something against my morals and beliefs and my own logic. But the truth is, some people just do not know or understand what they have done. And many times, what they may end up having to face and deal with, is many times worse then what they may have done.
Can we force everyone to read "of Mice and Men"? sadly, no.

2) Yes, and sometimes, protecting ones self, is simple knowledge and understanding.

3) Mutate - this and 4, some of the best points I have seen on WP and many other places on the subject matter. For me, they help to support 1 and 2 and everything else you have said.
And as you said, i can only speculate and that is the only thing any of us can do,
but I think the cycle may have been stopped with you, and that your well on your way - moving past the 'victim' and becoming the 'survivor' is more powerful then many will ever understand...

i should not have said nasty things about the OP, i was feeling mad at my own family as i argued with them. i feel bad for the OP and wish they did not trick him into taking his kids. he seems loving and it is wrong for him to be so distresed.

I didn't think you were being nasty, merely stating the truth that we don't know all the facts. There are two sides to every story and all that.

my family arent that bad anyway, yes i get shaky when dealing with them but only because i am shaky. there just a bit high strung.

Coming from someone who wants to be a social worker I think that is absolutely nuts no child should be taken just because their parent has a mental illness or is disabled. Unless they are being abused or neglected there is no grounds to remove them from the home. I think the whole stigma behind mental illness needs to end and having AS doesn't determine how good of a parent you will be or not be. I would fight this tooth and nail.