BERNARD TISMAN'S STORIES

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LATEST NEWS ON BERNARD TISMAN WHO GOT EXPELLED FROM HIS CLUB‏





Just recently Bernard Tisman got expelled from The Michael Den day Centre for chucking his dinner on the floor and urinating on a dinner plate.
He got kicked out and became violent.
He wanted revenge, so he got hold of a car and chucked it through the window,crashing right into the dining room tables.
Luckily no one was sitting at the tables otherwise they would have been killed.

One of the builders building the new Dennis Centre reacted violently by chucking a tree at Bernard Tisman. It missed him by an inch.
Bernie then darted like a shot down Blenheim Avenue and went absolutely berserk.
He lashed out and kicked one of the cars up into the sky - with such great force that the car crashed into one of the houses and whizzed right through, landing up in a neighbour's garden.

The neighbour, Bill Toilet ran out into the street and shouted at Bernard Tisman:

"Go on, Oppit, you mad scummy vandal, you wrecked my house."

Bernard Tisman rushed out into the main road and yanked a tree out of the pavement.
A bus came along and he chucked the tree at the bus.
Such was the force of the impact that the bus toppled over.

One policeman, PC Cowpie, grabbed hold of Bernard Tisman and knocked him flying, with such force that he flew across Cranbrook road and through Valentines Park, coming out of the other end by The Drive.
He became even madder, and as he boarded a bus he threw the driver out and took over the wheel.
He started acting strange and drove the bus on the pavement. he then got out of the bus and turned it upside down.
Everybody inside fell on top of one another and wanted revenge, so they all got out of the bus and grabbed hold of Bernard Tisman and chucked him into a bin.
Bernie climbed out and shot right down Coventry Road, ripping pavements up.
He even ate one of the pavements.
He then continued on his mad rampage and shot through street after street, punching loads of houses and having a fight with two other Bernard Tismans.
He then dashed out into Ley Street and dashed straight across the road, through Grigg's Approach and into Winston Way, walking right in the middle of the road, dodging vehicle after vehicle.

By the time Bernard Tisman got into Green Lane Bernie Tisman had already caused millions of pounds worth of damage.

However the trail of destruction which resulted from a violent reaction to being expelled from his club didn't stop, he just continued going off his rocker, kicking loads of cars and shouting f--- off at loads of people, and telling passers - by to drop dead.

No one could control the man who got banned for good from his day centre.

Then,

"All of a sudden The mayhem died down and Bernard Tisman became normal again.
He walked home to Goodmayes Lodge and went up to Flat 11 as quiet as a mouse.

Since the violent outburst Bernard Tisman has remained at home.

The Michael Den Centre is now officially out of bounds to Bernie Tisman.

THE NEWS





Bernard Tisman has been expelled from his centre because he smashed the whole place up.

The man couldn't get his own way and went berserk.
He chucked his dinner on the floor and urinated on his dinner plate.

One of the staff couldn't put up with it in the end and sent Bernard Tisman packing.
He then got his wild up, got hold of a car belonging to one of the staff at the centre, picked it up and chucked it through the window.

"Right! I have had enough of you Bernard Tismadman, so there's no other option than to expel you from the day centre, because you're a dangerous man, so hop it and don't come back."

One of the builders building the new Dennis Centre witnessed Bernard Tisman chucking a car through the window and shouted to him:

"Maddie, Maddie, why don't you fall down a cess pit and eat muck."

The builder then got hold of a tree and chucked it at Bernard Tisman, missing him by an inch.
he was lucky, but not the tree, for it fell down a bog pit in the road and rotted away to stinking mouldy tree cabbage.
The smell was so foul and revolting that people threw up along the street - vomiting so violently that all their innards and their organs shot right out of their mouths after being forced up and scattered themselves along the street.

There were hearts, lungs and kidneys lying all over the place, and didn't they arf pong - like rotten eggs.

Not only that the body organs rotted away, leaving such a horrible stink that the outside became too poisonous to endure, forcing people to flee into buildings because they just couldn't bear the horrible stink coming from rotting body organs.

But help was at hand for a load of police helicopters arrived on the scene with disinfectant bombs which they released into the atmosphere. They then came raining down onto the street below, killing all the germs.

Although the innards that escaped from peoples' bodies were still lying on the ground the stench was no more for the disinfectant bombs had killed all the germs, but it was too late to help the people who had vomited up all their body organs, for they had all died.

YOB THE BUILDER




One day a builder called a man terrible names when he went berserk.
He was called Yob The Builder because he started on people for nothing, or even creating a scene, like Bernard Tisman, when he kicked the street and even started to urinate five feet up into the air.

Yob The Builder had cropped hair and was one of the builders constructing the new Dennis Centre.
He had a friend called John Ruffian, one of the other builders, who was also a nasty character.
He went too far when he urinated on Bernard Tisman's rucksack as he walked by.

John Ruffian, one of the builders and a mate of Yob the builder, even called Bernard Tisman a 'mental case' all because he shouted, screamed and bawled.

The Mitkadem day centre members were outraged at John Ruffian's remarks,calling Bernard Tisman a 'mental case, and for a builder to say that is even disgusting.

One of the staff said'
"I'm going to report those two builders, Yob Scummy and John Ruffian, for making nasty remarks about Bernard Tisman.

"I can't understand how builders could behave like that.
The reason they are there is because the new Dennis Centre has to be built.

Their job is to make sure that the new centre is built, this is because the other building at the bottom of the street is being acquired by the Ilford Synogogue.

The new Dennis Centre that is being built is in Clarance Avenue, Gants Hill, next door to Mitkadem Day Centre.

The builder in charge is Peter Duckhead, who's the boss, and it's no good telling the boss because all the builders stick together.
He said to the two builders, Yob Scummy and John Ruffian:

"Take no notice of Bernard Tisman, he just want's to cause trouble for us builders, because our main job is to get the new Dennis Centre built as quick as possible.

Another thing, we'll have to make sure that the new day centre doesn't get overrun by a load of Bernard Tismans because that name spell's trouble.

The incident that happened in Clarence Avenue Gants Hill




One day Bernard Tisman created a scene when, whilst out in the street he shouted, screamed and kicked the fence.

One of the builders, Yob Scummy, a cropped haired bloke, shouted insults and called Bernard Tisman terrible names.

Yob Scummy was one of the builders constructing the new Dennis Centre.
His mate John Ruffian, another builder doing the same job was just as bad and shouted to Bernard Tisman:

"F off back to where you came from."

John Ruffian also called Bernard Tisman a horrible nickname and that nickname was Bernard Tismadman.

The names that the builder Yob Scummy called Bernie Tisman, were 'mental case and nuts boy, and shouted to Bernie Tisman:

"Why don't you get chucked in the bin, I don't want you here you, you're just a filthy brainless scum.

The other members of Mitkadem day centre were outraged when the builder Yob Scummy called Bernard Tisman a mental case, and even more so when his mate called Bernard Tisman a horrible name. In fact it was a nickname, and that nickname was Bernard Tismadman.

"We'll have to report those two builders, Yob Scummy, known as Yob the Builder, and his mate John Ruffian who work's with him constructing the new Dennis Centre.

THE MAN WHO ATE HIS DINNER IN THE TOILET




Once upon a time a man took his dinner into the toilet, sat down on the toilet bowl after taking his trousers down and started to tuck into his grub.

Eating your dinner in the toilet was a good idea because suppose you were caught short in the dining room whilst enjoying your food you could end up having an accident in your trousers, and this could create a stink so overpowering that everyone would drop like flies.

Not only that, ending up messing yourself due to being caught short because you couldn't hold it in any longer could spread disease throughout the whole dining room because of dangerous germs, so it's a good idea to eat your dinner in the toilet. This way you won't have to worry if you're caught short and can't hold it in any longer.

Immediately your body could evacuate whilst dining and in a jiffy it's all over.


to remedy the situation of ending up having an inevitable accident in your trousers a lot of hotels throughout the world are installing toilets inside their dining rooms to replace dining room seats in order to save people the ordeal of having to rush to the toilet, for if they can't make it to the toilet in time they could end up having an accident.

Already there are loads of cinemas where people sit on toilets whilst watching films to save them having to get up and go to the toilet.

MAYHEM AT GOODMAYES LODGE







One night Bernard Tismaniac went off his rocker and banged the front door of his flat, then raced out into the corridor, kicking walls and urinating on every flat door.
One of the support workers, who was 12 foot tall caught him and shouted:

"If you don't shut up mad boy I'll get the police to take you away to Goodmayes Hospital."

The man became violent and shouted f---off at the carer on duty. She responded by grabbing hold of him and chucking him up to the ceiling, where he ended up hanging onto a smoke alarm.

The man was so heavy that the smoke alarm could not support him and he ended up ripping it off the ceiling. He than went off his rocker and tried to eat the smoke alarm.

The carer Miss Stake shouted at him:

"Will you please take that thing out of your mouth Bernie Tismadman, Tismaniac.

"Oh, shut up you big monster, shouted the mad resident, why don't you get thrown to the lions.

"Get back into the room Bernie Tismadman,troublemaker.

The man reacted violently, grabbed hold of the carer and knocked her flying.
She flew along the corridor and went,

"Smack!,
Right into the wall.
In fact, such was the force that she made a hole in the wall.
The woman in charge came out, flew in a mad rage towards the madman Bernie and chucked him down the stairs.
This made him madder than ever and rushed right out into the car park, banged the bins and jumped up on top of one of the cars and stamped on it, so violent that he made a hole in the roof. He then ran out into the street and ripped lamp posts out of the pavement, throwing them across the road.
He even dug the road up with his head and sucked a mains pipe beneath, sending out electric shocks which were so fierce that he got thrown up into the air and landed up on top of Parkside theatre.


Still in his fit of madness Bernard Tismaniac burst into Parkside and threw chairs out of the windows.
He then rushed across the road and went back into Goodmayes Lodge, when the carer shouted at him:

"Get out of this block Mad Boy I don't want you, you're just a big monster who should be locked up."

Bernie had to spend the night locked out in the car park after the fracas with the carer Miss Stake in Goodmayes Lodge.

Come Friday the next morning Miss Stake left to go home and when she saw Bernard Tisman she told him to hop it or get locked up in Goodmayes.
Then along came Daffy Dill, one of the other support workers and had to phone Bernard Tisman's cousin Alan Tortoise to get Bernie sectioned after the mad rampage the previous night and the violent confrontation with the sleep in carer Miss Stake.

When Daffy Dill came up to Bernard Tismaniac's flat she saw it in a right mess , with dinner plates smashed all over the place and excrement smeared all over the walls. And it it arf pong.

The flat was a right pig sty.

There were also doors that had been wrenched right off their hinges because Bernie Tismaniac had banged them so violently.

But that's not the end of the story because Bernard Tismaniac is about to take revenge.

He rush's toward's Goodmayes Lodge and kick's it up into the sky, knocking it flying.
The block of flats then flies along Longbridge Road whilst it's up in the sky and:

"Whoosh!

"It crash's straight into Lidl completely flattening it.

Everybody who was in their flats at the time the block was knocked flying when a madman kicked it up into the sky are thrown about in their homes because of the extreme force.
Even the carers are thrown all over the place.

Now that Goodmayes Lodge has crashed into Lidl everything has been flattened.

People who were shopping at the time got thrown to the floor when Goodmayes Lodge came crashing down into Lidl after it was knocked flying by Bernard Tismaniac when he kicked it up into the sky in a mad temper.

In fact there is so much damage that everything is rendered unsuitable to buy.

The sight of a block of flats crashing right down into the Lidl store after flying through the air took everybody by surprise.

In the end a crane is used to pull Goodmayes Lodge out of the wreckage of Lidl, then hoist's it up into the air, and into a helicopter. The helicopter is then used to carry the block of flats along Longbridge Road, before returning it to the site from where it was wrenched out of the ground when a madman kicked it up into the sky.

However, the support home can't be re - inserted into the foundations from which it was ripped out from after a madman kicked it up into the sky, so the plan is to rehouse every tenant until a new Goodmayes Lodge is built on the site.

Meanwhile Bernard Tismaniac is caught by police and bundled into a car. They take him to Goodmayes Hospital and section him for 200 years.

BERNIE'S DENTAL TRAGEDY






Bernard Tisman dropped dead after he had a tooth out.
This happened two hours after, but came back to life again the next day, after the effects of the sedative had worn off


Bernie's recovery from death was a real miracle.


The death that lasted a day only came to notice when one of the carers knocked on Bernie's door.
There was no response so he opened the door with a master key and found Bernard Tisman dead. He then phoned an ambulance and was given the last rites and taken to a dead persons hospital, but to everybody's surprise came back to life again the next day.
He recovered after being dead for a day and went home.


Temporary death was a rare side effect of the dental sedation.

MAYHEM AT THE EXERCISE GROUP‏





One Tuesday whilst we were doing exercise a man burst in and started kicking everybody.

One person who felt the full brunt of the kicker was me, for the man kicked me, so hard, that I went right through the ceiling and ended up in an upstairs room.
One of the people in that room became so mad that he grabbed hold of me and flushed me down the toilet.
I ended up in the sewer and got covered in a load of muck.
But how could I get back?

The answer:

Find the nearest manhole.

I did and I climbed out of it and out into the street, Badgers Lane.

Still covered in muck after falling into a sewer when a madman flushed me down the loo I made my way down Badgers Lane.
People walking past me found the smell coming from my mucky body so overpowering that they dropped like flies.

"Don't he arf pong said one person, and another said to a few people:

"keep away from that man he stink's of poo."


No one wanted to go near me because I stunk so much.
Luckily there was a river nearby, in which I could jump into and get the poo off my body after being chucked into a sewer when I got flushed down the toilet.

I cleaned myself up in the River Rodent and headed back to Sinclair House to carry on with my exercise.

The staff member in charge said,

"I'm sorry that this had to happen, but there was this unstable man who started kicking everybody including you and unfortunately you went right through the ceiling."

I told the woman in charge, said the person in charge of the exercise group, that another member in this centre flushed you (Bernard Tisman) down the loo and that you ended up in the sewer.


"That man has been dealt with, it was Michael Weasel.
Another user saw him doing it and told one of the staff.

That man has now been banned from this centre.

THE DAY I MADE MY WAY TO SINCLAIR HOUSE FOR EXERCISE‏‏






One day I travelled by bus to Sinclair House for the exercise group as was usual every Tuesday morning, but on the way a whacking great big hand came down from the sky, smashed open the window and tried to pull my head off, but instead I was lifted out and whisked up into the sky by the big hand that seemed to be operating on it's own.

The hand didn't belong to anyone else, just itself.

I screamed and screamed, but no matter how much I screamed the hand just wouldn't let go of me and all of a sudden picked up speed and took me up to Mars when I should have been at Sinclair house doing exercises.

I tried to jump off Mars, but just as I tried a giant Jellyman grabbed hold of me and in an instant I was eaten.

Meanwhile, back down on Earth at Sinclair House the member of staff from the Mitkadem said that Bernard Tisman hasn't yet arrived, he should have been here by now, so a search party was sent out.
They searched and searched but could find no trace of me.
In the end the whole world was searched but could not find me, so the answer was to send a space mission to other planets.

In the end Mars was chosen so men landed on Mars, but were surrounded by Giant Jellymen.
fortunately the jellymen were transparent so whatever they swallowed could be seen inside.
In fact they found a skeleton in one and opened up the Jellyman once they had stunned it. They took out the skeleton, examined it and found out that it was me for I got devoured by the jellyman.

What the space crew didn't realize, was that a big hand that had a life of it's own had kidnapped me and whisked me up to Mars where I got eaten by a giant jellyman.

The news of my death caused by a jellyman predator who gobbled me up on Mars reached the Mitkadem Day Centre and they were shocked. But as they were talking the big hand that had grabbed me burst into the Mitkadem and tried to snatch one of the users, but was fought off with a broom. But just when they had finished with the big hand it snatched two members of staff and whisked them up into the sky.
fortunately there were police helicopters. They opened fire and the big hand let go of the two members of staff.
They fell down to Earth and returned to their jobs.

However the big hand still continued on it's mad rampage despite being fired at and snatched loads of people off their feet and up to Mars where they got gobbled up by giant jellymen.

Fortunately the menacing big hand's reign of terror came to an end when it fell into an acid bath, which instantly dissolved it.

DANGER IN THE STREET‏



One day as I was walking down the street a couple of Bernard Tismans set upon me and accused me of stealing their name. They then pulled my head off and kicked it into the road.
Along a came a bus and, 'when it went straight into the head it booted it straight up into the sky, landing on top of a bus stop.

People waiting at the bus stop got the shock of their lives when they saw a human head (It was my head of cause until a couple of yobbos named Bernard Tisman kicked it off after accusing me of stealing their name) mounted on top of the bus stop.

But, just as people were waiting to get on the bus the head flew off and started attacking everyone at the stop. It then roared, flew off and swelled up to monster size.

On it's mad rampage the monster head, about 40 foot long, flew down Goodmayes Lane and gobbled up loads of people.

I can't under stand how my own head could do things like that, turning into a man eater.

I am proud of my own head. I wouldn't want it to eat loads of people and bomb an entire city.

I managed to get back to Goodmayes Lodge, but, minus my head.

I had to run as fast as possible as the monster 40 foot head came running after me and tried to devour me, even though it was my own head until a couple of yobbos kicked it off.

Being eaten by my own body is the worst thing that can ever happen.

There was no reason to be set upon by a couple of louts all because my name is Bernard Tisman, and the hooligans who knocked my head off happened to have the same name as me.

GOING ON HOLIDAY TO STOPPATHOME‏




One day a man went on holiday to Stoppathome.
He booked a holiday in his own front garden, which he went to for two weeks.

This is the first case of it's kind of spending a holiday in your own front garden for two weeks.

After two weeks the man went home to his house. This meant that he couldn't go out into the garden for it was for holidays only, and that was once a year.
he then took another holiday - to his bedroom, another place in the holiday resort of Stoppathome.

For three days the man didn't leave his bedroom because he had come there for a holiday.
If he left his bedroom he would be going home.

A few months later the man booked another holiday - the house next door.
He went next door for a week then went on holiday to the road outside his house.

I like the sound of Stoppathome resort... would you recomend self catering or meals provided ?

THE FLIGHT TO SPEORIA



One day it was decided that a family was going to go on holiday to Speoria, so they boarded a flight at Scatterwick airport.
They checked in and went into the terminal.
They boarded a plane, but something happened.

The plane broke wind and let off a terrible stink, in fact so horrible that everybody passed out.

The wind was traced to the pilot's back passage.
Somehow it had escaped into the plane's engine and the plane blew off.

Despite this the stinkoplane, as the aeroplane was now called, managed to continue it's flight, but everybody had to wear gas masks on the board because of the stink. Fortunately the air hostesses managed to take out antibacterial air fresheners and in no time the stink died away.

The pilot that caused the stink to escape into the engine from his back passage, which in turn seeped into the cabin and passenger compartments of the plane, got sent to prison.

A warning was read out that no stinkers were to be allowed to board the aircraft and pilot it after an aeroplane broke wind.

The family who were going to Speoria were put onto another plane.

THE FLU JAB THAT WENT WRONG‏



Once upon a time Peter Bread had a flu jab, but something terrible happened, for on the way home his arm swelled up to the size of ten buses put together, in fact so gross that the swelling broke open the car that was used to take him home.

Both passenger and driver got thrown into the road as the car broke apart because the arm was so grossly swollen that there was no room in the car to accommodate it.

The pressure of the swollen arm caused it to push against the door and roof with the result that the roof got pushed off and the door wrenched off it's hinges.

In fact the swollen arm got so big that it broke the car up into lots of fragments.

The flu jab led to even something more terrible for the man swelled up to 500 times his normal size and had to be rushed to hospital, and even ended up having surgery.
In fact he died 600 times before finally being brought back to life again.
He was put into intensive care and remained in hospital for 10 years.

THE MAN WHO WAS LOCKED OUT OF HIS FLAT‏



One day Ben Gasmantle arrived home after being invited to his cousin Bournevita, only to find that he had forgot to take his keys with him.
It only came to light when Bernie rummaged through his bag to look for his door keys whilst at Bournevita's house, only to find that they weren't there, so he went off his rocker and threw the bag on the floor.

"Stop it, stop it, shouted Bournevita to Ben Gasmantle, you're driving me mad."

In the end Ben was taken home to Berchukit Lodge, but, because he was locked out of his flat his cousin had to summon the carer so she could get hold of a master key and open Ben Gasmantle's flat.
She tried one of the keys but neither one could fit so she had to phone someone.

Bernie took it really bad when he was locked out of his flat.
He went absolutely mad and kicked the walls as well as banging his flat door.


"Let me in, let me in shouted Ben at the top of his voice, but no one came to his aid.
He then went down to the lounge and shouted f--- off at his cousin Bournevita.

"Don't you swear at me shouted Bournevita to Ben"

"Get away from me you, get away from me, I don't want you to come near me, shouted Bournevita."


Ben rushed outside into the garden and went to the far end because he wanted to get away and leave civilization.

Whilst this was all going on Bournevita and the carer both arrived at Bernie's flat. The flat was unlocked and on the bed was found what they had been looking for - Ben's door keys.
They were inside his bumbag.
The bumbag, together with the keys, which were inside were taken down and given to Ben.
He then returned to his flat and settled down for the rest of the day.

Ain't it amazing after all this trouble Ben went through when he couldn't get into his flat because he forgot to take his keys with him when Bournevita invited him to her home.

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THE DAY GEOFFREY MUTTON SMASHED UP GOODMAYES LODGE‏



One day Geoffrey Mutton went off his rocker all because he was shut out of his flat.
He had forgot his keys.

And what happened?

The answer:

He went berserk in the dining room and threw chairs.
Not only that.
He also went out into the garden and emptied his bowels onto one of the garden tables.

One of the support workers caught Geoffrey Mutton in the act and shouted:

"You filthy disgusting pig, how dare you sh..t on the table. If you dare do that, Geoffrey "Sh..tman" Mutton I'll send you to a care home where the staff will make sure that you don't defecate where you're not wanted."

"Now get inside you disgusting filthy pig"

The news reached Geoff's cousin, Ryvita Bournemouth.
She said,

"After what Geoff did, defecating on the garden table, I don't want anything more to do with him.

"Earlier on he apparently went berserk in my house in Colin Brown Gardens.
He threw his bag on the floor and urinated on my carpet.

"How disgusting he is,
' My own cousin.

Fancy doing things like that.

I know one thing.
He is a filthy disgusting animal, and he swore at me, telling me to f--- off.

I'm going to tell his cousin, Alan Key, to say that from now on, we, our own family will wash his hands of him.

From this day he's now longer a member of our family.

He's got no family now.
It's his own fault for swearing at me and defecating on the Garden table at Berchukit Lodge.

One of the carers had to clear Geoff's mess up.

It ain't fair on the other residents because they have to use the tables in the garden.

To see excrement on the garden table is enough to put anybody off from using the tables, never mind the other residents who live at Goodmayes Lodge, for if they find out that Geoffrey Mutton has been defecating on the garden tables they'll absolutely go berserk and do Geoff in, even smash his face in.

One of the carers took out the master key and opened up Geoffrey Mutton's flat.

"Now, my boy, get in there, I don't ever want to see you again.
You're a filthy disgusting pig:

“Fancy defecating on the garden table, only animals would do things like that, not human beings.

If I ever catch you doing it again Geoffrey Mutton, sh..tting on the garden table, I'll have your guts for garters.

Geoffrey Mutton was sent to Coventry by the carer Rose Bush.

The trouble started when Geoffrey Mutton got invited to Ryvita's house, and that was after dinner.

Apparently he tried to bring up phlegm and was told not make that disgusting noise.

In fact Geoff was in such a state that he had to go home early.