Wouldn't It Be Better To Have Severe AS Than Mild?

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What the eyes don't see, the heart don't greive.
I know too much about the NT world, and that's where all this anxiety comes from. I'm very self-aware, and I'm aware of others around me and what they think, and there are so many people who don't understand my needs and difficulties because to them I seem just as emotionally capable and socially confident as a NT, that I don't have time to have AS. I'm getting lots of grief and pressure from the job centre, and I can't handle it, and looking for work is so exhausting (also because of my anxiety disorder), and though I am looking for work and doing all I can to help myself, I still can't cope with it all.

It's like I'm always being sucked into the NT world but being sucked back into the Aspie world at the same time.

Personally I dont think having severe aspergers/autism would be better but it has its pros vs the mild situations

1) Its more obvious these people have a disorder, and people will generally cut them some slack knowing that their intentions arent bad vs. being on the mild side of the spectrum, no one thinks we have a disability so people will generally think our actions are intentional. We might come off as cold, rude, aloof, and people think its intentional like maybe were snobs?
2) People on the severe end of spectrum might not care as much about fitting in, they are probably a lot less aware of the world then we are, like they might not see the complexity of social interactions. On the milder side, we might be aware of the world and be aware that social interactions are very complex but fitting in and executing those social interactions are difficult.

But on the positive side:
1) since we are higher functioning: we can achieve independence more easily and we wont have to be reliant on family for the rest of our lives.
2) We are capable of living normal lives, its just a bit difficult in comparison to NTs.

NO NO NO NO NO!
How would you like to be dependent on your parents or family for what seems the rest of your life?
And they make you feel horrible and blame you for not trying hard enough?
Where every sound, movement and smell puts you into overload so you function like a toddler?
Where you constantly say the wrong thing because you have no idea what people want you to say?
You hand flap and can't control it?
You have far more external meltdowns and get yelled at it a lot or seen as some psychotic brat?

It's not fun at all. I've been better than this and I just had a lot of anxiety but I could function better.
I've probably thought more about suicide since. But I won't kill myself. I just get that depressed.
Most importantly people with more noticeable disabilities still get picked on a whole lot!

If you work, can talk to people more than talking about an interest or in a semi-adult way, if you live on your own then don't wish to be more severe.

I don't know how long I will live at home. I don't know when I'll get a job. My sensory issues are so severe I need to wear earplugs constantly because I break down over it. I even get so stressed I can have seizures.

While I am not always so negative on myself I know I have it pretty bad.

People with disabilities can become depressed too. I often wonder that about the severely disabled I see around. I'm sure it's true. I mean I really wish I could be more high functioning so why not them?

Not being in the criteria doesnt mean much. The criteria are notoriously superficial (and from a not so accurate point of view). Actual studies show perceptual differences in all of us. Those may or may not lead to observable "sensory issues" (a nebulous term) but they are there underlying them when they do exist and are more part of autism than some of the diagnostic criteria. (Which don't all exist in every one of us either.) And these things ARE discussed in the DSM, just not in the short version of the criteria. They've been in the short version in the past though AFAIK.

being a very mild AS would be the worst, since you will not qualify for much help and people will think you are faking.

For some strange reason I qualify for help.

I think I understand... a bit... being desperate gets you to think things that seem strange to others... I also have mild AS... People knowing me as someone as Asperger's call me "someone who doesn't seem socially awkward at all for an autist"... Though I don't have the desire to have extremer AS then I already have... It will make your life only harder...