Dont feel grief over loss of loved ones

Post Reply New Topic

your welcome. I was hoping I was not coming across as agitated when I said that, it was not how I felt. I like helping parents see things through autistic lens. I was rather low functioning as a kid but as I grew up, I became able to understand why I do the things I do. and I like to be the bridge.

As far as the professionals go, it reminds me of this organization that helped the blind. I have a friend who is blind who tried to get a job with them. They said, "no we cant hire you, you are blind." He said how do you know what the blind need if you dont have any blind folks in your staff.
They said, well that will be like the blind leading the blind.
He said well if that is the case, you can be blind in more than one way.

That is the same way with the neuo specialists... How do they know what we need, what we experience, if they dont take our imput seriously

I am sorry the doctors treated your son so inhumanely... its not uncommon though for doctors to see their patients like case rather than a person.

The poor doctor was looking in a mirror - not at your son.

Are we helping?


I know you are supportive of your son, and are not underrating him. I also do not know how much of the burden of autism your son carries vs the gifts. So I cannot comment on your son. He needs to be loved and accepted for just exactly who he is, and you are doing that.

But never give up on hope. Kids with severe autism do overcome in incredible barriers, esp with good, loving early intervention. I have so many first hand stories I could tell you about.

Did you read Autism’s First Child?
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/arc ... hild/8227/

It took me a while to get that one, but good one!! !

Losing a loved one whether the person is sibling, brother in law, sister in law, niece, grandparent, parent to me is very hard. My grandpa died 2 years ago and still I miss him. The night my aunt told my parents and I that my grandpa died I was in shock. That night I didn't cry. I did let it all out when I saw my relatives in New Jersey. At my grandpa's wake I was crying and wasn't afraid to show it. I cried during his funeral too. I don't know why aspergers people can't be sad over a loss. I read that plenty of people with aspergers don't know how to show emotion, but I guess I'm one of the few who can. It is sad going to a funeral of a loved one that you were close to. Almost a year later my other grandma died but she lived overseas. My cousin broke the news to me and I nearly fainted at work. I was so upset and sad and in tears. A co worker of mine was killed in a car accident and I grieved a lot. I was so sad and missed him. So I do grieve. Now if the person was a bad person to me and hurt me, then I probably wouldn't shed any tears.

I feel grief but only on the inside. On the outside my expressions are totally calm like nothing happened. So I know were your coming from.

Interesting timing of this question. My mother just passed away Sat 11/13. I was there by her side when she died. She lingered on for sometime, & was the last of her siblings. I have not had time to grieve. My boss unfortunately expected me back at work on the 15th. Busy time of year for my company. I feel worse for my father as the 2 of them were married for many years. However, I would say that I do feel relief for her. She's no longer suffering pain.

Most companies have bereavement leave. My job allows me to take 3 days off, some have 4 days.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. That is true that she isn't suffering and she's at peace, but you may grieve because she's not here.

.
Anybody read this?

Kathryn Erskine, author of Mockingbird (Penguin, 2010), about an 11-year-old with Asperger's syndrome who must cope with her brother' death, is the 2010 winner of the National Book Award for Young People's Literature and is the mother of a child with Asperger's.

http://www.schoollibraryjournal.com/slj ... d.html.csp
.

It is hard to watch a loved on suffer...expecially if it is a slow agonizing death that takes a part of the person that you love, day by day....and when it is over, somehow in a strange way, the world rights itself again because your loved one no longer suffers. I guess it is all intelectual love, still love neverless. Anyway, I hope the world has righted itself for you to, she will always be with you as you are geneticly half her. She is part of you and crafted you, so in that way she will always be with you. I am sorry your boss did not give you much time to even realize that she died before you have to go back to work.

My mom has been very ill for many years, and I am very close to her...I honestly dont know how I will feel when she dies. She is the only person in this world who understand me, and probably the only person who tries, but as I dont grieve like most people do...I dont know if the world will right itself or if I will grieve her loss.

Hi Jojobean. My parents adopted me, so there was no blood connection actually. We were never close though I had always wanted her to be & her approval too. However, she definitely put her stamp on me. Mom was a perfectionist, & as all things had to be perfect in her life. She did everything she could to mold me into the perfect child. However, being that I have come to understand Aspergers, it left us both very frustrated because I knew from the time I was a young girl that I could never measure up to her high standards. I was a failure & an embarrassment in her eyes up until just the past few years. I know now that her definition is not mine or vice versa, & I cannot undo what or who I am or I her. We were able to say goodbye before she passed away which is a good thing. I also tended to her in her remaining hours, administering water, or eye drops or whatever needed to be done without anger. I don't have any regrets.

luvsterriers, this may be true about bereavement time, but when I called my boss with the news that my mom was dying last Friday. He asked me how long it would take for her to die "days or months." He made it clear that he expected me back to work asap, come hell or high water. Someday, I hope he gets his just desserts. He has done little to make my time at his company pleasant. Has even had the nerve to tell me I need a "perky" personality. Were it not for a double digit unemployment rate, & a super depressed economy, I'd walk away in a heart beat. Unfortunately, I need this job to survive. Oh yeah, when I was back at work on Monday, he asked me how my mom was. I find him to be rude & I know he has major issues with women.

He asked you how your mm was....after she passed away??? What a jerk! I am sorry your boss is such a pita (pain in the @ss). Maybe when you are not working, you can look for another job...make sure he does not know though.
Sounds like your relationship with your mother was a complex one, I am glad you were able to put things aside before she died. I read that people who dont have that closure grieve longer than those whose tied up loose ends.

A tender heart...

WOW the nerve of your boss to ask you how long would it take for your mom to die. Can you talk to HR or his supervisor? He is rude, immature and unprofessional. How old is your boss?? I do have to deal with one such co worker who said something hurtful.


Another thing about grief. It will be 2 years in December that a member of the church choir passed away. She was 35 years old, married and the mother of two little girls. Her daughters were only 4 months old and 2 years old. The woman had cardiomyopathy. Her husband has a blog and he talked about her illness, day by day events, etc. They were college sweethearts too. When I attend the mass on Sundays, and I see those two little girls my heart breaks for them. This woman wasn't my sister, nor any relation to me yet I feel such sadness for her daughters. Plus the woman was only 35 when she died. She will never see her girls become teenagers, go to prom, graduate from high school, get married, etc. She never got the chance to hear her youngest daughter say mommy. I don't understand why people with aspergers tend to not show much emotion when it comes to death. Seeing a loved one in a casket is hard and sad, but yet at the same time peaceful. If the loved one died a horrible death, then their pain is gone. I didn't get to go to this woman's viewing since I had the flu, and plus my grandfather just died a month earlier. I really wanted to go to her viewing, but I did buy flowers and had them sent to the funeral home. While her death is very sad, it is better that she passed instead of being in so much pain. She suffered for 3 months with this cardiomyopathy. Her little girls seem to be very happy and the youngest daughter especially looks so much like her mom.

I feel a lot of grief when anyone in my family dies. First it's just blind anger at everyone and everything, and I start yelling and screaming at everything in my path. My grandfather was a very heavy smoker, so when he died, I felt nothing but anger at him for leaving us so soon because he couldn't resist a little bit of tobacco rolled up in cheap paper. Then, after about forty minutes of screaming and blaming him for being such an idiot, the sadness just came over me like a wave and I just completely broke down sobbing.

I feel so horrible thinking this, but I still blame him in the back of my mind because he would still be alive today if he quit smoking. His lung collapsed and he was on some portable machine that gave him oxygen, and he STILL wouldn't stop smoking. He couldn't walk from the bedroom to the backyard without panting for breath. If he had stopped smoking, he would have lived long enough for my little sister (who was two at the time) to remember him. He kept polluting his lungs and slowly killing himself for his own selfish reasons and didn't think about us. At least, that's how I see it.

It's weird, because I tend to over-empathize with people whenever somebody dies or gets hurt, but I still feel angry and sad thinking about him. I guess I'm just a bad person or something.

I feel for those little girls too, my grandmother died when my mom was 3 and her father married a woman who was abusive to her and my aunt. My mom has always wondered how her life would be different if her mother lived. She came to accept that this is just part of her that will always remain. Make sure you tell your friend, when chosing a new wife when and if he does to pay close attention to how she interacts with his daughters. Some people dont treat other's children like their own in a relationship.

That is how my brother reacted when my dad died of lung disease for the same reason.
Addiction is a wickedly evil thing that just consumes a person. I have read that nicitine is as addictive as heroin. He sounds like he really suffered...I have seen that kind of suffering with my dad and it is just a horrible way to die. I dont think you are a bad person, sounds like you loved him and wished he was still with you but feel cheated because he is not.
Like I said earlier in the thread, I dont know what to say to someone who is grieving because I dont experience grief...if I do, it manifests its self in ways that I dont recognize as grief.
I suggest journaling to help sort out how you really feel, and be able to give expression to the feelings that you are not allowing your self to feel, so you can come to a resolution.
Anger is a common way males express grief...mostly because our society shuns men expressing any other emotions, which I think is harmful to men in general and makes men aliens to themselves and how they really feel