And the cause of autism is ...

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Sometimes my meltdowns are due to me feeling sorry for people, and panicking for them, even though it is best if they did their own panicking. My mum has weak bronchial tubes, and each time she catches a cough, it affects her bad, and because I am close to my mum and I love her, I worry about her so much. She reckons her heart weakens each time she gets these awful coughs, and I'm just frightened she will end up in hospital - and the hospitals in this country are not hygienic at all, and every person who has gone into hospital who we know have come out ill from something completely unrelated to the illness they went in with. And there's a dangerous disease going round at the hospitals at the moment, because of the lack of hygiene there. And when somebody in the house catches a cold, I fear for my mum, in case she catches in then it turns to flu, which normally gives her bad coughs. And don't criticise me and call me immature just because I'm worrying about my mum - if it had been any other relative with this problem I would worry sick about them the same. Anyway, I will be able to cope physically without my mum, but not emotionally, because she's the only one I'm closest to.
It's like I'm shouting at her for getting a cold, but it's not her personally - it's my way of panicking because of the thought of loosing her one of these days, especially after Christmas when my dad looses his job through the government cut backs and we won't afford heating to keep the environment warm........ See, all my anxieties roll into one, and the more I have little control over, the more it upsets me and gives me palpitations and high blood pressure and severe migraines. If I could do something about a worry of mine, then I would, but when it's beyond my control, I've got no choice left but to panic. I'm not saying NTs don't get anxious, because they bloody do, but they seem to calm themselves down inside in a different way what I can't seem to do.

Especially now I've become so predictable. If something is said what everyone knows will throw me into a meltdown, they all look at me expectantly, and if I don't react to it, they will probably all start wondering why I've suddenly changed into something I've never been. I wished I had changed myself when I was a teenager, but I feel too set in my ways now and am too old to just change over night. Especially if I'm going to shock everyone. All those eyes looking expectantly at me.....it is scary for me. And my brother seems to like me having a meltdown - he thinks it's funny, then gets miserable when the atmosphere hits him. Ohh, I don't know what to be. I just wish I was born NT, just like my 12 cousins and my brother. They all get to be NTs, so why can't I? Why did the faulty gene just go into me, when my dad comes from a confident family and my mum has no relatives at all who are Autistic. I know it's inevitable, and that's what throws me into a vortex of angry confusion.

Ah, that's a perfectly reasonable thing to worry about! I had no idea it was going to be so easy to suggest a solution. What I do when I'm really worried-- actually, two things.

1. All that nervous energy needs someplace to go. But where? So first, I obsess over it, but in a productive way: I learn. In your case, research respiratory health and what can be done to improve it.
2. Prepare. With a justified fear like this, actually do things to make the worst-case scenario less likely or harmful. Stock up on OTC expectorants, cough drops, etc. Anything that will keep and help a body fight off an illness, especially a cold. You will already (if you did step 1) have researched what doses are needed, how long things keep, what things need to be taken with what (take zinc and vitamin C together in a lozenge) or not with what. (If it were an irrational fear, you could do equally irrational things, but this is quite rational.)

In your case, you could learn how to make chicken soup (make sure you make it a bone broth) or stock up on those cartons of stock. (If you're going to cook vegetables, be sure you drink the cooking water.)

You could try to get work, though that might not succeed.

You could research frugal living or cheap heating methods. (Remember that you want to restrict air movement within a small space, and heat just that space. Can you afford a heating pad?) There are all sorts of cool things to learn here. Save money by putting your uncooked dinner wrapped in foil inside your car's engine and letting it cook while you go someplace.

Anyway, start doing this immediately. Try-- it will take time, but try, and remember you don't have to be perfect-- but try to remember when you think about this that you're doing something about it, and as you get closer to a meltdown, burn your energy off on doing more research, or going shopping for stuff your mother would benefit from.

When people stare at you, go away. Like, take a minute. They say something upsetting and you're trying not to have a meltdown, go outside the room. Ball your hands into fists and tell yourself (silently) that you WILL NOT do ANYTHING, take a deep breath or two, it's okay if you cry, it's okay to feel upset, but then if you can, try to think "how can I solve this?" Maybe it's nothing you can do right then, but then try to think how you're going to do it, you're going to do it. Maybe even go back into the room and ask whoever said it "Do you think I can do something to make it better?"