Dealing with a 17yo with Aspergers

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Hi ScottyNZ.

Having been a teenaged delinquent (undiagnosed) ASperger, who did a lot of "unusual" acting out things similar to what you describe, I have some ideas that may be relevant to your situation:

1. is the guy aware of his AS; what does he think of it? how does he see himself? does he see himself?

2. research alexithymia. It can explain a lot, to you and to him.

3. having AS is not an excuse for sh***y behaviour. A person of normal intelligence does understand what constitutes sh***y behaviour. A person with AS may need help to develop new behaviours, and help to escape from situations, especially situations over which they have no control. A person with AS may not realize that other people can help them (see 7 below). They will also have trouble understanding the effects of their behaviour on others. "Acting out" can be understood as a mental short-circuit. To escape the short-circuit, other pathways must be established.

4. Often, behavioural training rewards appropriate behaviour with interpersonal goodies (such as praise). This can be peuky, or just plain confusing, to an AS person. A better reward may be to be left alone. (see 7 below). Or, for the other person to engage with the special interest (eg. play a game). The person with AS may have very different idea of what is a "prize". Find out.

5. Pick your battles. Why bother with tidy the bedroom? When there is stress in the house, fun is the first thing that goes down the toilet. So everybody lighten up.

6. Running away is a definite sign of feeling overwhelmed and physically trapped. (See 2 above, for how a person may not recognise this in themselves). A possible antidote to running away can be running: heavy physical activity. Exercise is also necessary to balance those computer games. Sorry, but I do not believe that mega hours of sitting in front of a screen is healthy for anybody... special interest or no.

7. Living with one's parents can be impossible. Parents do not always know best, and their duty of care only extends so far. Personally, if I had a 17-year old who was unhappy at home, I would find them somewhere else to be. A different living situation can be a wonderful release from the patterns of the family home. A person with AS may have difficulty imagining how things can be different, so feel trapped. Interpersonal interactions are so loaded that almost anything to do with anyone else is very stressful, so the person just wants to be LEFT ALONE! (so out come the knives, in a defensive aggression...) Stalking is the opposite of this, when attraction is felt, but heavily loaded.

8. As a teenager, my life only improved once I had left home, left boarding arrangements, left school at 16. People did keep an eye on me, but from a distance. Basically I worked a little, got drunk for a year, became bored with that, and created my own decisions. It was hard, and risky. The turning point came for me, when I was faced with the ultimatum of mental hospital, aged 14. My choice was: get up off the floor of the doctor's office and sit in the chair, or be taken to mental hospital. I got off the floor.


good luck.

Why not?

Many of us do....I do

Wake up and smell the coffee! Did you really think you were going to do what no one else can do? Force someone to change?

Get him away from the city and exercise him to the point of exhaustion if you can. A big walk to a waterfall.

He does not want to be in the world you and his parents want him to be in.

Have you heard of counter culture? Alternative lifestyles? You have nothing he wants

Dang this guy has it rough, but this wont last forever, AS obsessional interests are a sources of immense happiness, but he has become destructive, but you shouldn't have high hopes of a huge turn around, for now focus on one problem at a time, and it seems like hi parents weren't that involved in his daily activities? I suppose he wouldn't want them there.

Have you suggested he visit Wrong Planet yet? If he can take some interest in his own dx, it might, at least, getting him thinking, maybe even talking about it. I know many people here have become 'obsessed' with learning more about autism and the treatments available to them after finding WP.

This young man's situation is heartbreaking and there is something terribly wrong- asked to leave school, no further education or skills training, starving himself too.
It sounds like the "caregivers" are all horribly incompetent, and it's a shame, and a crime, and don't understand why authorities have not been notified.
And someone with no training or knowledge of his issues hired to hang out with him. I could just cry.

OP, do you mind if I ask (cuz I still failed figure it out from all your posts)...what is your job exactly? Are you supposed to be like a tutor? Counselor? Big Brother? I know AS is not your expertise but what is?

I am not trying to criticize or insult you. I am seeing this from all the forefronts. But if I were the boy's parents I would be out of my skull to hire someone to help a child with AS who knows absolutely nothing about it. They must've been desperate to hire you or else they are completely clueless to the workings of AS and Autism. I'm with backagain on this one, everyone who's involved in the boy's life right now (you included) don't seem to have a clue what the heck they're doing considering how much force your putting on him (that's only increasing and provoking the meltdowns more) and your comments on here so far have mostly shown pure ignorance on the topic of autism from all fronts.

Pretty much every "complaint" or whatever you wanna to call it regarding the boy seems like classic autism behavior. Though I think his symptoms might be far severe than AS. This boy needs some serious expert help not a bunch of disciplinarians.

The only thing I can recommend is working with the boy's interests, not just playing XBOX or talking about it mind you but perhaps building his education or knowledge around the things he obsesses with and enjoys and letting him go at his own pace. He probably knows a lot more than you think. People aren't just giving him the proper outlet to work on that knowledge.

But seriously dude, while I'm sure we all appreciate your efforts to help this child, you're clearly not qualified to deal with a person of this magnitude and I would strongly consider that you find someone (a therapist or whatever) who is actually qualified and knowledgeable in AS and autism and hand the baton over to them. If the parents are worried about costs, they need to accept that the ends justify the means. You'll all only be more miserable for years to come and achieve no results if you keep using the same tactics you've been using.

Ok . . .

In your first post, you say that this kid has Asperger's. Is he formally diagnosed, or is this just what his parents think? If he isn't diagnosed, why not? By this point it should be obvious to everyone that professional help is needed.

If he is, is he seeing any sort of therapist, or are you supposed to be filling that role? Again - by now, it should be painfully obvious that a professional is required.

WTF?

For pete's sake, the people who should care for this person are grossly neglectful and you are not the person he needs to have making any decisions except to call some social service agency and let them know of this neglect and abuse.
And don't write anymore about weird behavior, how he thinks he has friends, etc, you are uncaring and disrespectful sounding when you do.
He does not have issues that you can fix or change, he needs someone who knows what they are doing to help him be who he is in this world, heartbreaking my God. It's as if someone idiot parents of a child in a wheelchair bring in someone who knows nothing to get them to walk, or insisting the blind could just see if they tried harder, or if the right buttons were pushed. It's abuse.

I remember clearly when I was 17, and I am afraid you're in for a rather difficult time, if the boy is how I was. Adding to High Functioning Autism (aka Asperger's; separate debate), I am stubborn with Irish background. I did exactly what I decided to do, and there wasn't much that teachers or my mother could do to change my mind.

It is way too complicated to figure something like this out, and my best suggestion is to find the boy's field of interest, and try to build on that. Don't pretend to be into whatever it is yourself, but try to be interested in suggesting how he can do whatever it is, to his benefit. As for the eating issues, that's a medical and psychiatric need, which I would think needs aggressive professional advice and/or medication. Obviously if physical problems arise from malnutrition, nothing else matters.

On behalf of the boy and his family and those of us who wish we had been offered help, Thank You for your desire to help!

Charles