Do aspie adults have a difficulty in "growing up"?

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Heaven forbid, don't ever allow yourself to grow up or you will lose some of the wonderful advantages that AS can bring to your life (as long as you can live with the emotional baggage that it brings too). I am only one individual but you can probably use me as an example of how it can all work out in the end. I wanted to become an MD from the time I was 10 years old with Rubella and the doctor came to make a house call (they actually did that back in 1960). I was science and math oriented so medicine is what I aimed for. I went to college as premed at a school known for its med school, took a look around at the dog eat dog attitude that prevailed among my premed classmates and told myself that I sure didn't want to be like all those a**holes. Gave up on medicine, got my degree in Chemistry, tried to find a job but couldn't.

During my last quarter in college I had one chem lab that required the use of the school computer (I didn't even know the school had a computer... this was 1972 when you didn't find a computer in every pocket). I just loved that and didn't know how to get there but did know that working with computers was what I wanted to do. WIth no job prospects I went to work in construction installing burglar alarms because playing with wires was my true love. Went broke doing that after a year, moved home and ended up back in a tech school for computers after my grandmother passed my phone number to some school recruiters. I aced the school and ended up working in the space program for an engineering company that just happened to prefer to hire from that school. I made a real name for myself doing that, and was so well known for my work with our mainframe computers that it caused one manager to stop dead in his tracks one day when he walked into my site and the first thing he saw was me literally walking out of the computer. In the process I also totally confused an island of 1000 people with my Aspie nature when those people were determined to figure me out but could not. Its a long story but my Aspie persistence allowed me to retire at age 43 and spend my time following my Aspie interests, which is what I still do now.

Obviously everybody will not follow my strange path, but the point is that you have an unlimited number of choices ahead of you with each one leading to a set of yet other choices. I had no idea of where I was going but kept at it with that same adherence to my core beliefs and young at heart feeling. In the end it will lead you somewhere and as you look back on it later it will describe the path your life has taken. What you must do is to maintain that Aspie optimism (like the little engine that could) and adhere to who you basically are as you try to find that path that is right just for you. For what its worth, I have never had a relationship that lasted more than 15 months either and always ended up so heartbroken that I just turned back into the comfort and certainty of my Aspie shell. I have only been in love six times in 60 years and in most cases it was an impossible situation.

The whole idea of being your actual age but young at heart is very well illustrated in segment 2 of "Twilight Zone - The Movie" in which a highly optmistic old black man (Scatman Crothers) goes from one old folks home to another teaching the residents the value of positive thinking (again the little engine that could sentiment). This is a very Aspie trait that NTs seem to lose as soon as they become adults. You can read more about this movie at the following link:

> http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086491/

Thank you for the insight. My one and only mistake has been living to make those around me happy; taking a physics scholarship (which i lost) instead of becoming a machinist like i wished; getting married to a mean-spirited idiot just to prove i wasn't gay/a loser; buying my parents old (deteriorating, oversized) house instead of building my own mini-cabin or hobbit hole....time to live for me, and let my resultant happiness brighten the lives of others. Its called finding and doing one's True Will by some; others call it growing a spine!

You sound like you may have depression issues, that or, maybe your amotivation linked to Aspergers is exacerbated by anxiety which is stopping you right now from achieving your goals.

Don't think about what other people have and what is 'normal' also you do not necessarily need a degree to get a good job.

I'm 20 nearly 21, I don't know how to drive, I don't need to know as I can rely on my two feet, bike or public transport or taxis.

I haven't lived at home since I was 18, but I do come back periodically for a month or two. I just felt that I was grown up enough to leave. I could have left had I been 15, I just didn't have the resources.

If you want to prepare, just think 'what do my parents have to do to keep the house running," make a mental list, and then think, Ill have to be doing all this on my own etc etc

Volunteer instead of work, that still counts and looks good to employers, educational institutes and what not.

This reminds me of the one thing I forgot to say last night. Regardless of what you do, you should always try to be yourself. After all if you ever fail to do so then you are living someone else's life rather than your own. However as Aspies we have that wonderful sense of optimism when the NT world only sees doom and gloom and we DO try to make other people happy when it might not benefit us at all in doing so. In essence it is nothing more than the same golden rule that NTs love to preach to others but seldom practice in real life. As Aspies we actually live by our beliefs. That is too wonderful a thing to lose so we all need to try to achieve a reasonable balance between doing for others and doing for ourselves.

I'm 20 and it feels like I'm 4.

feels bad man.

Am I the only person who can't even figure out what people mean by "feeling like a child" or "feeling like an adult" and feel like the ideas are completely meaningless to me?

The only meaning the ideas have to me is that adulthood means more freedom than childhood. But I mean these things purely in terms of years, not in terms of them having any intrinsic meaning. I had to fight to be considered an adult because I had a psychologist who did his best to convince me I was still and always would be a child. Being a child for me meant a lack of rights and I did whatever I could to get away from it.

Other people have considered me childlike or a whole bunch of other things, but I have no idea what it means. Someone even said I had the "cognitive abilities of an infant" once.

All I know is that I'm 30 years old. I don't know how that's supposed to feel. I don't know what it means to feel like a child, or to feel like an adult, or to feel any age at all. It's just nonsense to me and yet so many people on this thread are so eloquent about it that it seems it means something to everyone else. I also know that I frequently have to prove I'm an adult because I have to prove I have certain rights children aren't allowed. I wonder if that changes the way I see these things. (Not that I see myself as "feeling like an adult" in any way.)

This is what I mean:

I have been unable to live up to the expectations assigned to adults in society. That is, live and function "independently," which is to say at the level of support that many people function at. Somewhere along the line I never picked up life skills expected of someone my age (or even of someone half my age) and the times I've tried to live that way I've failed pretty badly. These include getting and keeping jobs, being able to get an education, being able to manage monthly expenses (rent, bills, credit card payments, etc), maintain a certain level of housecleaning,

I spent too much time trying to apply those expectations to myself and live according to them, even though each attempt left me in a worse position than the last (financially worse, typically, although they have cost me friendships and valued sentimental possessions as well, and in one case landed me in an abusive relationship).

I don't know if that helps make it make more sense, I mean I'm going to admit that the way things are now don't actually make much sense to me. This whole "sink or swim" and "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" rhetoric that society seems to love strikes me as intrinsically hostile to the idea of community.

I realize community can be an abstract concept, but I will say that the concrete reality of community has practically saved my life in the past year, so my perspective on this is ... well, okay, it's closer to the one you described in another thread, when you talked about how poor people support each other and take disability (among other things) in stride.

That's a really good description of how I feel most days.

When I was 18 I didn't know it, but I was super immature and quite vulnerable.
I'm 25 feeling like i'm going nowhere, and in the middle of failing my latest educationl venture.. I might be able to just about turn it around, actually having this forum might be enough to save me from messing up again!

I have recently commited social suicide, becasue I have accepted the only nt freidns I have and possibly ever will have are.... extremely twisted and morally bankrupt and being associated with them is a worse fate than me dying alone, or even killing myself out of loneliness in a few years.

Even If I fail my course.. this does not make me immature.. this is not fair, so many of you are being way too hard on yourselves. I can fluctuate between hyperemotional and a cool calm logic depending on my mood. I feel sometimes younger, sometimes older than my contemporaries. I see massive flaws in the way the average nt's subconscious is causing them to act, even those much older. I see flaws in my own emotional wiring. But I know other people and all an adult is, is a child in oh so much armour. Don't allow nt's to break through OUR armour by reacting to them. reacting to them when they look down on us for being different, this is where most of MY problems come from and is what has held me back. If someone breaks your armour well enough, it will make you feel like a child and then act like one.. never let them win.

Some really helpful posts here for me, specially TTRsage. Screw living to societys expectations! Is just gonna give us inferiority complexes. Wish so many would stop beating themselves up over it. The aspie is always going to be inferior in some aspects, but also superior in many, the nt's are just usually too different (I will say flawed if I'm being emotional) to see the superior bits, maybe this makes some feel childish and act more childish.

Ok I've lost it, just rambling now.

Revival, thanks.

I have a Bachelor's and a Master's. Trust me, academic achievement has very little to do with "real-world" maturity (what society expects or otherwise).

We all need to remind ourselves that we all "grow up" at our own pace, and if other people don't think it's good enough...tough on them.

I didn't feel old when I was young either, and I feel just as capable of joining in those kinds of "adult" conversations now as I did then. I have vivid memories of my childhood where the only thing I do not remember is what people said. This is actually quite frustrating to me, because I lost my parents when I was a kid, and there are things I now wish I knew about them which I might have if I'd remembered anything that they ever said.

I'm 19 and I guess I do have a hard time "growing up." My biggest problem is that I'm SO wishy-washy, it's hard for me to make a solid decision on anything. For example, I've changed my mind on my career path to about 15 different options in the past year alone. I know that's not a BIG deal, since I'm only a sophomore in college, but it's frustrating because I'm worried it will carry into my future. It's hard for me to even make decisions on smaller things like my opinion on an issue.

I still have difficulty interacting socially - like all aspies. Interacting for work and school causes me a lot of stress, it's just more "doeable" than social interaction because it's something that needs to be done. I have grown up a lot in some ways - I'm pretty independent, I pay for my own car, hold down 2 jobs and go to school full time. I figured out everything for college - including how to pay for it - all on my own, unlike most of my friends who had their parents do everything for them. However I'm still MORTIFIED to live away from home. I commute to a school where there's a lot of other commuters, so I don't live on campus. But even after I graduate and get a real job I'm afraid I won't be able to do it.

I'm 17 and for the most part that seems about right. At school I feel as if I'm the only one in class who takes any responsibility at all, so in that sense I think I am more mature than most 17 year olds. But then again I do not have a job, I do not plan on moving out anytime soon, and I'm not going to be paying for my own college. I have saved up quite a bit of money to pay for my car, but that's about it.

I don't really consider succeeding in college or driving aspects of growing up. Many people with AS have NVLD as well (there isn't much of a difference) and processing and motor deficits can make driving dangerous for them or cause them to not do well in school despite their intelligence.

As far as being an independent adult, it's really just a matter of "speaking up" and being responsible. On the issues of speaking up, this is really just a matter of articulating your needs to people. For example, if inquiring about an apartment you might want to know things like how long the lease is for, what is due up front...some landlords require first and last months rent plus a security deposit up front, some don't. If something breaks, you have to call the land lord and tell them. For example, if your landlord's name is Ted and you are having a plumbing problem and the lease requires you to contact the landlord for repairs, you might say, "Hi Ted, this is (insert name) from (insert address). I'm having a bit of a plumbing problem and I was wondering if you could send someone out to fix it."

If you received a bill you are confused about, you might call the customer service number, choose the option to speak to the representative and say something like "Yes, I received this bill in the mail and I'm a little confused because (and explain why)." The service rep will usually ask for an account number that is on the bill. They get paid to deal with you and everyone else, so if you don't understand their reply, it's ok to ask them to explain again.

You should also know your rights. Should you have a bill that's sent to collections....or even if you don't, and they made a mistake, bill collectors are not allowed to threaten people or verbally harass people. Landlords have to abide by the tenants bill of rights. Many contracts are binding.

Here is an an example of a real life "adult" situation that I ran into a while back. In my state, every two years, cars have to be smogged. You can't renew your car's registration unless this is done. I had paid my registration, but had not received current registration tags because I hadn't smogged my car yet. I hadn't smogged my car yet because the battery had recently been disconnected, and doing so registered an error code in the car's computer, causing the check engine light to go on, and the car can't pass the smog test with the check engine light on. The only way to get the check engine light off, in this case, was to drive the car so all of the sensors could reset. But I couldn't drive the car since I didn't have current registration tags.

This isn't really a catch 22 because you can get a temporary registration permit if you have paid the fee but need to get your car fixed or whatever so it will pass the smog test. In the past, the way this worked was you would go to the DMV, tell the person at the ticket counter you needed to take care of your registration, go to the registration counter, and tell that person your need a temporary registration permit because your car needs repairs to pass the smog test. At this point they would usually give you a 30 day pass so you can drive the car or take it to get whatever repairs it needs, and to have the smog test. However, on the last trip to the DMV this is what happened.

Me: I;m here for car registration.

DMV ticker counter lady: What specifically hun?

Me: I need a temporary registration permit because my car won't pass smog right now and I have to drive it to reset the sensors.

DMV ticker counter lady: I can help you with that, what day do you want it for?

Me: I have to pick a day?

DMV lady: Mmmhmmm.

Me: Can't I just get one of those 30 day passes?

DMV lady: We don't give 30 day passes. It's only good for a day.

Me: Well I'm not really sure what day I'll be able to do it, so I really need a 30 day pass.

DMV lady: Well I can send you over there (to the registration counter) but they'll probably just tell you the same thing.

Me: Didn't you guys used to give 30 day passes?

DMV lady: We *used* to give 30 day passes but now we do the day pass. You only get the 30 day pass if your car fails the smog test.

Me: Oh, ok. I guess I'll take the day pass for Monday then.

This illustrates two important points.
1. You have to clearly communicate your needs to people.
2. NT's like to withhold pertinent information and sometimes you have to drag it out of them.

This DMV clerk was nice because I was polite and patient with her. She didn't have to explain anything to me (you'd think she would be required to but she wasn't).

Which brings us to a 3rd point, always be civil when dealing with people, even if you get upset or have to be pushy.

This is a fascinating topic. I think I have given a lot of thought to it for myself. Despite being regarded as mature for many obvious reasons, especially in a work setting, I sometimes feel as though I am missing something mentally as an 'adult.' It is as if there is some imperative with which I am not programmed. I think if I was not careful I would have no shame in being associated with a crowd of teenagers. If I appear youthful, then it is probably worse. I am still mistaken for a high school student on occasion. It is perhaps best if I avoid shaving.

Great topic. Like someone else posted, I felt mature beyond my years for a while as a kid, but at some point in my early 20's I started to regress and/or stagnate. I'm not 100% sure where I'm at now, but I'm just shy of 36 but living at home once again, feeling very much like how I did 20 years ago. As much as it sucks, it's good to know I'm not the only one.