A somewhat convoluted question about socialization...

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This is such a great topic! The Supreme Court is currently hearing a case involving a seventh grader (who is also described as a special education student but I don't think that is the heart of the matter) who was questioned at school by police officers but never given a Miranda warning. The police say he wasn't "in custody" so they didn't have to "read him his rights". The boy's lawyer argues that he most certainly thought he was in custody - he could not have possibly thought that he was free to leave and not answer the policemen's questions. In his mind, he was being forced to stay which is the equivalent to being in custody. What I take from this whole discussion is that as a parent, I need to make very sure that whatever "encouragement" I try to offer my son is exactly that and not me forcing him to do things I think are "for his own good".

I'm really glad this topic has taken off! And glad to hear somewhat opposing opinions (although I don't think anyone in this thread ~ so far~ is really diametrically opposed to anyone else).

One thing that comes to mind, that I think pretty much everybody here gets, but bears mentioning, is a point that relates to Theory of Mind. I'm seeing more and more that Aspies are certainly NOT alone in lacking TOM. Many NT's also lack it when it comes to trying to imagine how WE think, and how WE feel.

None of them really can. At least none that I have met, until I've used certain analogies to explain it. A few have actually come to understand it and accept that how I and my kids see, feel, and experience the life, is hardwired, and very difficult to change.

It is VERY difficult to get others to understand and accept that when they feel all they are doing is offering encouragement, we may experience it as coercion. We may feel, and even SAY we were given no choice.

It is during those situations were we believe we are being forced (whether or not it is true is irrelevant), that I think the most damage is being done. The problem is, I don't think we tend, as children or adolescents, to tell anyone that's how we are feeling, because WE think it's obvious. We don't realize those that we think are forcing us, actually feel they are simply offering encouragement. As a result, THEY don't know we are feeling forced, and WE don't know that isn't what they mean to be doing.

The key, I think, is to not just help our kids understand the difference, but to encourage those working with them to make extra effort to understand how the kids see it. WE are the adults, after all, and I think it behooves US (whether we are on the spectrum or not), to set the example and demonstrate TOM by imagining how THEY feel FIRST, and not to expect THEM to get it before we do.

All the difficulties the schools have had with our kids, I am now thoroughly convinced, can be traced to the school staff focusing entirely on what the kids need to work on and improve, and NOT on the staff working on how THEY can improve seeing things through Aspie eyes.

My latest theory:

Aspies lack TOM, for sure. NT's have it, but mainly ONLY toward each other, and almost always totally lack it when it comes to dealing with us. I don't think it's fair to expect US to develop TOM, if they aren't willing to do the same where we are concerned. I think it's CRITICAL that those working with us also learn to exercise TOM specifically with respect to spectrum thinking.

In other words, they need to learn and imagine what it's like to operate WITHOUT Theory of Mind.