Aspergers and women and girls

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This is really interesting!

You could each be describing me, you know .

Before I'd ever heard of AS, I've always had far more male friends than female friends. Currently I have 15 male friends and 1 female. And she's a tomboy.
I've never worn make up - I hate the sensation, smell, falsity, expense and masking of it.
I can barely read body language, so if men have ever been interested in me, they've had to work really hard to let me know. It took my BF a year of work before I noticed he was interested!
I am a complete tomboy, mostly wear jeans and a SF nerd t-shirt with my hair pulled back, yet men have still be interested in me. I've never understood that. For what it's worth, I can clean up quite nicely, and I have a particular fetish for chiffon dresses with 50's hats, but let's face it, I'd still rather be in my jeans. With the hat.
I don't always understand sex, and the manner in which I approach it seems to weird out a lot of NT's. Simply put, when I hit 32 and still hadn't lost my virginity, I advertised myself online, met a random guy and did it. Seemed perfectly practical to me, but for some reason this horrifies the women who've heard about it. The reason I ended up with my BF was because he offered to give me sex lessons and I wanted a teacher without all that messy emotional stuff. A year later, he declared his love for me, which really puzzled me. He had sex on tap, why would he need to declare love? It made no sense. We still have difficulties with me not understanding why he loves me, but bless him, he keeps trying!

Hmm... I tend to relate to NT's in a masculine way. That is, I've always felt androgynous and tended to be friends with men. Some men are comprehensible (I say some, because there are plenty of illogical men that drive me absolutely insane).

I don't relate to normal women at all. I can communicate with them and appreciate that they derive pleasure from various activities, but we don't... uh... connect really. That is, I have no maternal drive (which isn't the same as wishing to not reproduce), I don't look down on men, I don't like shopping or shoes, I don't understand fashions, I have no idea why you'd want a dog in your purse, and so forth. Now, I know this only describes a subset of female NT, but the same problem persists across most women, just in different ways. For instance - women seem to be good at hiding their emotions, and when they say 'I'm okay' and I believe them, they get angry. o.0

Er, but none of that addresses the real question - how do I compare? I seem to be more logically inclined than NT women, equally emotional, less empathy adept (when it comes to cues), and less inclined to follow gender roles. How do I compare to AS men? I probably express my emotion (overexpress really) more frequently. I also find I am relatively socially able so long as I am politely direct. I wonder if women can get away with asking 'What do you mean by that?' more readily than men? I don't know how else I would differ, except on a person-by-person basis.

Because I only had three friends during middle and high school, I can't say I got along with females or males more. Two of the friends were female, though they were both tomboyish. And of course, one of them was a guy. I was always closer with him because he didn't always want to gossip. He just wanted to talk about our problems, not everyone else's in school. Guys are less dramatic than girls, that may be why I find it easier to associate with them. What was even better is we spent more time running around town, causing trouble than we did talking. Which is always a plus in my opinion.

As for appearance, I used to try to keep up with the goth appearance during the early years of high school, but the last two years I just wore whatever jeans and t-shirts were cheap. I rarely wear make-up (I used to wear black eyeliner, I never wore that face cream stuff though) and I just throw my hair into a ponytail on most days.

Like I said, I don't really give a s**t about clothing and I stopped growing 2 years ago so I only have to shop for them twice a year. I'd much rather wander around a bookstore then try on clothes.

Well its kind of weird, a lot of times I feel like its quite possible my brain is not the right gender for my body as I am female but do not really feel like it. Though I am attracted to guys not other females, sometimes that suprises people because of how I dress so they are suprised when they find out I am straight. Its not too uncommon for people to confuse my gender either sometimes I have to let people know I am actually female.

*waves* Hiya, female Aspie reporting for duty!

I don't know how to describe myself. I'm just 'me', but as for the whole female aspie stereotype. I take care of my appearance - wear clothes I find pretty, do my make-up and take time to do my hair. I'm horrible with computers. My specialist interest is psychopharmacology which is changing into rats. Most of my friends are girls, but they're the 'outcasts'. Some people find me endearing because I just say whatever comes to mind, and that can be quite humerous so can get me liked, however, some people just see me as a freak and keep well away.

I also identify as gay sexually, omnisexual when it comes to asexual romantic relationships.

I don't have a hard time with ''reading'' body language, face expressions, tone of voice, and other people's moods. I know when people are joking, and when they're not. Although I look stupid to other people on the outside, I'm not so stupid on the inside (this is where I catch people out. Some people start taking advantage of me, then when they've realised that I've sussed them out before they knew, they then look the stupid ones ).

But it's so easy to know body language, face expressions, and tone of voice. If someone's crying, you're not going to mistake them for being really happy. If someone's yelling at you, you're not going to mistake them for talking sweetly to you. But I suppose it's easy for me to say this because I don't have difficulties with this. But I don't know if it's got anything to do with me being a female Aspie or not.

But it's more than that. You can be mad at someone and not yell at them. You can yell at someone but not be mad at them. Sometimes people yell because they are upset about something but their tone isn't directed at you. Sometimes people talk to you in a nice voice but yet they are angry with you.

I remember when I was eight, my speech therapist was talking to me about something I did that was wrong. She didn't raise her voice at me. But when she asked me if she is happy, I said she was. She kept asking me if she is happy with me and I said yes. She asked me if she is mad at me and I said no. Why did I answer it that way, because she wasn't yelling at me so she was happy then since she wasn't yelling. As an adult I would say she isn't happy because why would someone be happy in that situation about what I did? What's there to be happy about? So it's an assumption she isn't happy. I guess this is part of TOM here and picking up on cues and I had troubles with this back then. But I have gotten a lot better at it. I guess this is also was lead her to believe I may have AS.

I agree. Its easy to pick up on the most obvious ones. Well, usually. You can usually guess from context. But seeing someone who looks unhappy but says they're okay? If they say they're okay, they're okay! Except when they're not -_-' Its the subtle clues that completely misfire for me. I tend to read most faces as angry when they say they're at null. I take fake happiness (as described by friends) as real happiness. I see that there is a distinction between A and B in an example, but do not distinguish one from the other in practice. :-/

Disclaimer is that I don't have Asperger's. I have more like moderate autism.

But the issue is that I can pick out "happy" and "not happy" and nothing more. So, if you're not happy, I'm afraid you're mad. If you reprimand me but smile, I think you're irreversibly mad at me. If you cry, I think you're mad at me. If you say, "Can we talk?" I assume you're mad at me. If you raise your voice because you're excited, I think you're mad at me.

I don't have a problem with this either. Once my auntie was telling her boyfriend about a person who was being horrible to her, and her boyfriend shouted, ''WHY SHOULD YOU f*****g STAND FOR THAT? IF SHE SPOKE TO ME LIKE THAT, MATE, I'LL SOON f*****g SORT HER OUT!'' The language and tone of voice was inappropriate, but I knew he wasn't shouting at my auntie in a nasty way. He was just considering her feelings and was confiding back to her in the same way as she is feeling about this woman. I'm not explaining myself properly here, but I do know what I mean.

I've only met one other Aspie in my life and he's my boyfriend (I didn't find out until we'd been together for a few months and I was overjoyed.) I find that he reacts to everything with aggression, whereas I either react with upset that I can't quite place (crying and not knowing why, etc) or I can't tell what emotion I feel at all. Other than that we have very similar traits. He has a habit of shaking his leg up and down (jiggling is a better word to describe how he does it) and I have a habit of squeezing and moving my toes. He doesn't have an oral fixation (putting things in your mouth all the time, biting lips and fingernails, generally doing things with your mouth) but I do. Neither of us care as much about hygiene and grooming as much as NTs (I don't like to wash my hair too often and he hates shaving.) I can't think of anything else right now but there is much more. I hope that helped.

I worked very hard most of my life to fit in, and didn't find out about my autism until I was in my mid-thirties (self-diagnosed after my daughter got diagnosed). Even so, I was always an odd fish.

I buy several of the same item of clothing--same color--and wear them until they fall apart, then buy new clothes online.

I wear the same clothes for several days until I feel they are no longer clean enough to wear, then change (usually to an identical set, but clean ).

I shower when I feel it's been long enough that people will find me inappropriate if I don't, AND if I have to go outside (say, to the grocery store) that day.

I have long hair to avoid having to deal with hairdressers. I do nothing with it--no color, no curling, no blow-drying. Once a year, I go get the ends trimmed, and the hairdresser is always "wow, your hair is in such excellent condition."

I do not wear makeup, ever. Not to weddings, not to anything. I've let people talk me into it before because I "really should" wear it to some event, but I don't do that anymore.

I identify as female, no issues there. Also as heterosexual. My sex drive varies wildly, but is generally lower than my husband's; but, because I have found the most wonderful man on the planet, this is not an issue for either of us, usually. We are very good at talking about things before they become an issue, which is a lifesaver. Sensory sensitivity sometimes makes it impossible for me to have sex, however much I WANT to want to. He is very understanding about this.

I have always had a terrible time relating to "regular" women. Men have always been easier, especially the brainier type. (I don't have much in common with football-and-porn men, either.)

I spent yearsandyearsandyears working to stifle my "inapproriate" honesty, but recently I'm starting to reclaim it as the only sane way to live in the world. I'm also starting--slowly--to drop a lot of the social things I've always done in order to make sure no one thought I was too weird. Truth is, I'm an introverted autistic, and no, I really actually DON'T want to do all that stuff, and while I like you, Friend Who Called Me, I really actually don't all that much care how you are doing and what you've been up to. Call me when you're ready to talk about science fiction, or mathematics, or philosophy; don't call me again, ever, "just to chat." (No, I haven't managed to be this bold yet, but I'm working on it.)

Motherhood has nearly killed me. I love my kids dearly, and I love my husand dearly as well, but holy moly: living with other people is HARD. Hard, hard, hard.

I am exceedingly perseverative about things, usually to the detriment of things that need to get done (such as housecleaning, groceries, cooking, and so on). This is a strength, but it's also a weakness (because I really do need to get those other things done, since I chose a life that includes marriage and motherhood). My personal opinion is that perseveration does NOT contain quite the element of choice that NTs always seem to think it contains. I mean, I always WANT to be doing the right thing, yet I end up doing the perseverative thing.

I trained myself out of a lot of weirdness as a kid (I was bullied terribly in elementary school). I have managed to reclaim some of that "weirdness" since I discovered my autism. I now rock again, for example, when I'm alone or with my family, and increasingly, around others as well.

I have always been very empathetic and very other-oriented, to the extent that I lose myself in others' expectations and desires. I'm trying to turn my focus more inward, the way it was when I was a very little girl, before I went to school and got slammed by external expectations I was not meeting.

I have been very successful at learning to pass. As a child, I used to practice movements and speech intonations, and phrasings, at home in front of the mirror. I studied other kids relentlessly to see what they did and said, and how they did and said it, then practiced, practiced, practiced. I've never completely lost the "quirky" label, but I've passed for NT quite well for a long time. At the expense of my mental health; I've been close to suicide many times as an adult, in overwhelm from all the NT standards I was holding myself up to and could not meet indefinitely...something had to give. Wham: depression; a few days under the covers in a dark room, and I felt better. Now I know why.

The good thing about my mother being one of the leaders of a boy scout troop is that I got to go camping with them. It was quite fun. Because I was the only girl people would buy stuff for me and kinda spoil me. I also got to do things like archery and boy scouts taught me how to tie knots though I only remember one. It was always kinda funny for me to go on camping trips with boy scouts and then go on trips with girl scouts because the girl scouts stuff was prissy. In boy scouts we would use tents, go hiking and fishing, cook over firess, etc but in girl scouts we would only stay in cabins with heating and A/C. There was no archery and very little cooking. Instead we would do arts and crafts which is like torture to me. I would rather go fishing then put beads on a string any day.

No, I'm some woman with bad B.O. and a terrible haircut.

OK, joking.

But more seriously, in the appearance department I'm not one who makes a huge effort.


Clothes wise, I can't wear anything that's too tight OR too loose and airy as I hate both sensations. So generally I wear loose jeans & t-shirt and a hoody.
Hair wise, I can't be bothered. My husband runs the clippers over it every month or so and that keeps it in check at about 2 cm long all over.
Washing/Showering wise - I shower maybe once a week when I remember unless I am doing something that I am aware makes me sweat a lot (like when I'm away at my special interest workshops) and then I'll shower every evening before bed or first thing every morning. I might wash my hair in between my once or twice weekly showers if I can't get it to tidy up with a quick run through of the fingers.
I never wear make up or perfume, and rarely apply deodorant/antiperspirant. I don't like the smell, texture, taste of these things and also can't be bothered.
I try to brush my teeth every morning and evening, but I don't like doing it so often it's just a very quick cursory brush which doesn't really do much apart from make my mouth taste minty.

People don't tend to notice me much so I must be doing alright, appearance wise.

I do look significantly younger than my age and am often considered by people to be in my early 20s, even though I'm actually heading quickly towards 40. Sometimes I even get mistaken for a teenage boy by virtue of my short hair, young face and clothing and am often called "son" by shop assistants etc. I was once, not that long ago, shouted at in a queue in the womens toilets that the boys toilets were next door! It doesn't bother me when this happens because I know who I am, but I always find it amusing when someone leaps to my "defence" because I don't need defending, and it most cases people are extremely embarrassed when they find out the truth because they really didn't mean it in any offensive way.


I have never been particularly attached to being a girl/woman, but I have never had any particular wish/desire to be male either. I don't dislike my female body, but I don't particularly like it either. It just is.

I am married, and have sex with my husband regularly (though not as often as he would like) and I enjoy this because he enjoys this, but I feel asexual - I am not, and have never really been, interested in sex. I have never shared this with my husband but I am sure he knows. For me it is much more important for me to feel cared for and loved in a relationship and this is generally through what people do for me than through sex or what people say to me.

I have always tended to get on better with men than women (or boys than girls when I was younger). I think this is because my interests have tended to be more male-stereotypes than female (I used to do a lot of camping, rescue and survival training as a teenager, loved getting messy & dirty and physical activities, and was also very interested in maths, science & engineering - which is what I went on to study at University), and also because men in general tend to communicate in a more straight-forward way than women in general - obviously there are exceptions.

I also tend to get on better with other people who feel like they are misfits for whatever reason (often because of their gender identity or sexuality); generally they seem more tolerant than others, and my differences are accepted for what they are and so are my strengths and weaknesses rather than being something that marks me out as "odd". I suspect that because these are the people I spent most of my life around this is one reason why the real nature of my differences (ASD) wasn't picked up sooner.

Nevertheless, in spite of finding acceptance within these groups I have still always felt "on the the outside edge of the group" - being accepted but never quite "getting it" or being able to make friends. That probably doesn't make sense.

Hmmm... there is a lot more .... but perhaps I'll do that in another post later. I should be working now ...

Last edited by YellowBanana on 18 Jul 2011, 8:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

yay!

When I was a kid I was definitely a tomboy. Now that I'm older I'm a lot more girly, and definitely not asexual at all. In fact I like to show my feminine side in what I hope is a classy, sexy but non smutty way.

I struggle to keep hygiene concious, mostly because I keep my schedule so hectic. But I wont go more than three days without a shower, clean my teeth everyday and use a good deodorant. A big difference to when I was a kid. I started to take care of myself to try and boost my confidence, and I must say it worked

I'm artistic in writing; I love to write poetry and short stories based on my past experiences.