In Tears... Is this TRUE about Aspie?

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I understand this sort of reaction completely. It's happened to me too many times....

I am an autistic robot but I am more affectionate than my NT wife. So, you shouldn't trust stereotypes.

The one thing to watch out for: My wife says that girls tend to think they can change their boyfriends into the kind of husband they want. I am not sure that this is ever possible, but autism spectrum people certainly are going to be harder or impossible to manipulate in that way. And, everyone changes over time anyhow. So, marriage is two people who want to be together and change together over time. In sickness and health. For better or for worse. Because people change and people decay. Plan on it.

For now, plan on some time together and some time alone. Everyone needs some peacefulness and serenity.

I remember reading that section & being alarmed that I wouldn't be able to support my girlfriend in her times of need. I have a hard time with empathy myself.....example: My first attempt at replying to this thread ended with my just closing the browser & giving up.





But I'm back now, and I don't really know how to put it all into words, so here's a video that may help you understand. Forgive the bad acting, but I think the message will be clear.

*EDIT* I need 5 posts.....cannot post a link. Go to youtube, and copy/paste this onto the end of the address.

watch?v=zRYplyv08Pg

The title should be "Autistic Awareness: Empathy" if you prefer to just search for it.



*EDIT* Also, while I highly recommend that book.....do not take it as some sort of "Asperger's Bible". Autism is a very broad spectrum & no two people will be alike.

This may have been said, but I am only reading this post. You have been a couple for more than a year. You should know by now how he interacts with you. A marriage certificate will not change how he speaks to you. Some people with AS can communicate more easily than others. Some can communicate more easily with CERTAIN people than with others. Your boyfriend may not always understand how you feel or why you feel a certain way unless you tell him, but if he is warm to you now, he will be when you are married as well.

You seem to be running through the experiences in your own life and imagining what this description would take away from the life that you know. Although it's not as if these memories are simply missing, other things take their place and can have the same importance and meaning.

I have strong memories that have come to represent the best and worst of the people that I know well, an entire moment that I can go back and relive what I saw, touched, smelt etc. I will remember the important things that I have done for people and what they looked like in that initial moment of surprise and gratitude. They are not the same moments or events that would be important to you, but i think they hold a similar place.

In terms of being able to comfort someone, I would relate it to you watching your SO during a meltdown. You can see the other person in pain, yet there is little you can do to help them. It seems like every action that you take makes the situation worse, despite your intention. Not that you are callous or cold and learn what works and what doesn't over time.

Of course I would enjoy that! Im not a robot



No that is not what I mean. What I mean is that I observe people bond through conversation. I hear all the time how 'special' those chats are and how good they feel after them; how closer it makes their relationship, etc etc. Those kinds of conversations I cannot process...its a lot like small talk for me.

The quote you gave from the book was in context of the relationship being in trouble because the NT partner felt distanced and disconnected with the AS partner due to lack of communication. It specifically mentions 'conversations may be few'. Short phrases like 'I love you' and such are not conversations. In fact I prefer short phrases that 'package' what I want to say and feel in a few words.. and 'I love you' says a lot.

However, I think you can agree as an NT woman that for you that will not be enough... you want to have 'the conversation' to bond closer to your partner. If you were my partner and you come up to me and try to get such a conversation going you would end up frustrated by my seemingly lack of interest in 'sharing' with you...and seem cold and distant because i'd be relying on logic vs your emotions. Thats why I agree with what you said in your first post:

... because the lack of those 'conversations' leads to that feeling of loneliness.

Hence when I mention that my pleasure comes from actions I mean it in the context of that dreaded 'the conversation'. Instead of that 30 minute 'feelings' chat I'd cuddle/snuggle or do something special and nice for you.

Since you need 'the conversation' and I cannot handle it... and I prefer actions rather than conversation then the best compromise is to do a little of both.

That is why I said that you could try maybe having a short but to the point conversation with your partner while cuddling or hugging... it would help him a lot and im sure you wont mind getting twice the benefit for the effort



I can relate to the man in that example. Personally I would use gestures to comfort her but keep my mouth shut. Too many times ive 'done the wrong thing' by saying something that was logical but apparently didn't help.

When it comes to emotional responses you can describe AS as having sympathy but not empathy. Sympathy is a conscious process (logic) whereas empathy is subconscious/instinctive. That is why you may notice that in real-time situations your partner may (I do not know him so I cannot say for certain) exhibit coldness or slightly delayed response in emotional situations.

Read up on 'Mirror Neurons' : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirror_neuron

FYI there is already a documented case of someone with AS who underwent electromagnetic stimulation of his mirror neurons.. study had shown that his mirror neurons just didnt fire up. After being stimulated the neurons begun to light up by themselves slowly... and several months of repeated treatment the man was describing how incredible it was to be able to understand other's feelings instantly.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8WV1zAh9zU[/youtube]

Now that you know a bit about this mirror neuron thing you can probably guess why we're bad at 'the conversation' part. those heart to heart talks rely a lot on those neurons working... and ours tend to be short circuited

Interesting video! Thanks!

First, I wanted to agree with my Aspie husband, the fact that you are reading a book on the subject, and that you are willing to go to a forum to get further information; both of these things certainly bode well for your side of the relationship. And I would also consider the fact of whether or not you have lived together in the past important (meaning, if you have lived together at all, then you would already have a good idea of your compatibility with sharing space).

I'm also wondering if you've talked to your partner about the book you're reading (or is that something that your partner gave you to read?). Perhaps a discussion of the things you've read so far (without any judgement on your part, if possible), might be a good place to start. If your partner's communication skills are even close to my husband's, then that will be an excellent way to feel out the situation, and get your partner's reaction to what the book says about Aspies in general.

I love the way my Aspie husband expresses himself. And that is why I fell in love with him in the first place. He always states exactly how he feels. And more importantly, he expects (and allows) me to express myself in the same way. And since I grew up with a father, who was very logical and scientific, and sort of emotionally-challenged, I would say this prepared me very well for my Aspie husband. Meaning, that as a little kid, I never got my way by screaming or crying, I only got my needs met when I could verbalize what it was that I needed specifically.

I only share this part above, because I think it's important to know why we are comfortable with certain ways of behaving versus not comfortable with other ways. When I was in elementary school, I saw other girls cry and get their way (and I didn't understand that at all). In high school, I saw other girls flirt with boys, and parley fancy banter back and forth in pursuit of some kind of relationship. For me, if I wanted this or I wanted that thing, I simply stated with certainty my desires. As you may have guessed, this did not serve me well as a teenage girl. I was not popular, and I never understood why other girls always seemed to say the opposite of what they really wanted. That completely confused me, because in my household, I had never developed any practice with that kind of communication.

Point being, that when I met my Aspie husband for the first time, it was like we spoke the same language, even though it was for very different reasons. Many people didn't understand our relationship at all, and even thought we were both just weird. After dating only a few times, I announced that I really didn't like to cook; which allowed him to confess to me that he really didn't like the smell of food cooking in the kitchen (his sense of smell is so acute). This one little issue, had I been in a relationship (typical of what I have seen growing up, that is), I would have just started cooking for him anyway, and he never would have told me it bothered him; and there we would both be, doing what we didn't want to do, but for the right reasons (because we each thought our significant other would want us to do it).

Long story, short, to me, communication is everything. I would start by seeing how your conversation goes when discussing the issues you've read so far about Aspies, and see if your partner agrees somewhat or at all with those conclusions. Sorry for such a lengthy response, but I believe that the decisions you make after having read such a book, will be absolutely significant for your relationship (one way or the other). You might pick up a book written by an NT wife of an Aspie husband (good relationship, by the way), called, "Love, Sex, and Long Term Relationships" by Sarah Hendrickx. I think it does a good job of pointing out the good sides as well as the negative sides of being with an Aspie partner.

For me, I know that it was worth every minute of every misunderstood form of communication between us, to be with my Aspie husband today. He is honest, reliable, and the most empathetic man I have ever known. And yes, I'm aware that most books say that Aspie partners can't be empathetic, but they most certainly can learn to be. I've seen it happen myself. And good luck with whatever you decide to do from here on out.

Well, if someone is crying I don't know what to say. I remember once my friends mum told me to cheer her up. I just went into her room and started to ask questions about all the different sci fi collectibles she had. Then walked out of the room.
I get really angry when her mum asks me to do things like that because I can't. I wouldn't even know where to start. I can't even tell people when I'm upset when they want to help me.

I guess for that reason I don't want to have a relationship, I struggle with having friendships enough. But couples can work through their problems. It's not the end of the world. That's kinds why I don't get why you are bursting into tears as though things won't change. They can change but you've both got to put a lot of work into it. You need to have an understanding why your SO is like that and know that it's probably hard for him to deal with it too.

I can relate to the OP's sorrow at finding out the problem for the first time. I went throught something similar. When I was first DXed, I thought it was all a matter of putting an end to the inadvertent social discrimination there had obviously been against me - kind of "OK, now you know I'm confined to a wheelchair, you'll stop expecting me to climb stairs." Then I started to read the stories of people who were really getting hurt by their Aspie partners, and I started to look at myself, and it still saddens me now to think of the insensitivity I must have shown for my partners. I can try to compensate, and I feel I've done well sometimes, but deepdown I suppose there is still that sorrow that it'll never be completely right and that the past can't be undone. All you can do is keep trying.

All due respect to you, I can't completely agree. All relationships have ups & downs, and maybe you could say that ours have ups & downs in somewhat different areas than NT/NT relationships. It's always a working and constantly growing interaction that makes the relationship strong and lasting. A true good relationship can withstand a weak spot, as long as it's balanced, and both parties have their hearts in the right place. Your wheelchair analogy is certainly valid, but it's also kind of absolute. A paraplegic, if the cause is something permanent, will not ever walk. But an Aspie, while Asperger's is permanent at this time, can function in every way if he/she has good learning capacity. In my marriage, my wife excels in areas where I fall short, and vice-versa. If I were in charge of the finances, we would be in County housing on food stamps. But if she were in charge of doing all of the work on our ranch, she says nothing would ever work, and the electrical machinery would always be busted. (I give her more credit than that, actually).

One glaring problem which is a total disaster, is sexuality. An Aspie may have NO CLUE when or if to initiate anything, and we probably never will if the partner never does. Believe me, I missed ALL of it with my wife at first, and with any other girl I liked and tried to date. After a few months of sitting and staring at each other, suddenly she would just not be around anymore, and phonecalls not returned. Sad but true. My wife, who is a little stronger and also was familiar with Asperger's and Autism before we met, basically had to "force" in a good way, or it never would have happened with her either. Please excuse the graphics on that, but a point needed to me made.

Charles

This. I'm reading the book as well, but I don't feel that everything he says is true. Many things, yes, but not everything.

Yes I guess if you can find a complementary arrangement like that, it could work. But that's the practical issues. For emotional support, I don't think I myself would want to expect too much from an Aspie. I can barely do it myself.....it goes well for a while and then I get tired.


I suppose this all hinges on the lady's expectations, and my experience is that they nearly all expect the guy to take the lead, so yes I see what you mean. Though for some weird reason I was well able to make the first moves when I was younger......a lot seems to depend on the person. I guess some make clearer signals than others.

Keep reading the book. Just bear in mind that not all aspies are the same. I have trouble expressing emotion verbally. However I'm quite good at giving hugs to express my love toward my partner. I can also write notes to express my feelings.


Evidently I must have done a decent job, as we are engaged. I am so attached to him, its not a relationship of convenience, nor is it devoid of intimacy. Its just a little bit different than normal. Since reading many books on Aspergers, I'm learning what my shortfalls are. So now I can tell him that just because I don't do xyz, it doesn't mean that I don't really care etc.