What's the right answer to "how are you?"

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^ It was joke that's funny both because it is true and a play on words. That is a rather clever way to answer "What's up" but you couln't say it every day as a stock answer.
Other people sometimes say "The ceiling" or "The sky" along similar humorous veins.

I usually reply the same to "What's up" as "How are you": "Nuthin much." and sometimes after a pause sometimes I may add "What's going on with you?"
again usually just a pleasantry that most people will give a small answer to and move on.

I don't find it that uncomfortable anymore because it's just a ritual like smiling at someone in passing in the hall. That one used to drive me NUTS trying to figure out what I was supposed to do while walking toward someone down a long hall who was facing and walking towards me. I finally figured out that THEY feel just as awkward as you do since its impolite not to acknowlege them and its also impolite to stare and make eye contact the entire time. So, after observation, I concluded that the appropriate response is to look down, sidways, or elsewhere while walking toward them and just before you reach eachother, you make eye contact and smile and maybe say "Hi" without breaking stride and continue on past. This is what everyone else does and it addresses both issues of politeness mentioned above.

Upon further analysis, I realize there are several types of this greeting. "Hi, how are you?" implies the standard "Fine, and you?" or variations thereof.

If someone says "How are you doing?" and has been previously aware of something that has concerned you (such as an illness, family problem, etc.), then they are genuinely interested in your current state.

Saying "Are you OK?" is a more intimate form of it, unless you just tripped over the rug.

Awesome! I do say "The ceiling" "The lights." or "paint."

But please NEVER say "sky" because the sky is all around from the ground to the outer edges of earths atmosphere there is no real end. So the sky is not just up.
Now see I could wind up going on for an hour about this and I have before... it gets me into trouble.

It's a pointless question. I find "How was your day" a bit more useful because you can talk about actual things. My mood changes all the time.

Heh. This reminds me of a conversation my aspie husband got into when someone responded "The sky" .. he went into about the definition of "up" and whether or not the sky is actually "up" at all and how "up" is relative, etc. It was with an online aquaintence so there were no real reprocussions it was just like "wtf dude" and we (him and I) were both pretty amused.

Lol. He sounds like an interesting guy.

I usually just try to think of something in my immediate past that happened earlier that day or within the last 12 hours or so that would explain why I might be "not bad" or "not so good", depending on how I want to answer. It often involves humor in order to lighten the conversation, make the question less awkward, and make it less noticeable that i don't say "how are you" back. Also, since I am pulling from something that ACTUALLY happened to me, it requires less quick-thinking on my part. It doesn't matter if it's something random that the other person won't actually care about, because that just makes it funnier.

For instance, when someone says
"How are you?" or "Hows it going?"
I might say
"Not bad - I mean, nothing exciting is happening, but I ate a banana this morning!! Those bananas always make my day better "
Or, I might say
"Not so good - I cut my finger on this piece of paper a few minutes ago and i reaaally hurts "
Or, on a more serious note,
"Not so good - I have a really annoying research paper to finish and facebook keeps distracting me :/"

I've gotten pretty good at this method and it usually works very well. The people that care or really want to create smalltalk might ask you to elaborate, or they might find a way to relate to what you said. People that don't care will just laugh. I've found that it's usually a win-win way to respond.

^ That sounds like an excellent aproach. I'm not sure I'd even be able to think fast enough for that at all unless I already had something in mind but I can definately see how it would go over well with the masses.

I don't like being asked how are you because they don't want to know the answer and just expect me to say I'm ok.

I never ask people how they are. It doesn't occur to me to ask that and I probably don't care anyways.

You're confusing "sky" with "air".

Air is all around you - the sky IS up (from the ground, anyhow).

I think he means more like the horizon. If you look out to the west, north, east, wherever.. you will see the sky. Not just "up"

It does depend who's asking, most people won't really want to know, it's a greeting. For them, just an 'I'm OK' or something is fine. After that, it gets a LOT more complicated, very quickly, though.

I get confused with this one as well and usually get weird looks for responding.
Usually seems to be most important to just come back with the question of your own to either highlight or feign interest.

If something's going on it's easy to elaborate into a conversation that can be led into one of your special interests, though.

"Hey how's it going"
"Oh god, my brain is hemorrhaging from the atrocity that is Windows 8"

Upon further experimentation, I find it may be a regional thing. Over the last couple days I have responded with "Fine, and you?" a couple times and the person looked at me strangely before replying. I guess around here a simple "Fine" or "Good, good" is an acceptable response, which is what I had been doing.

Windows 8? That out, then? Derailing?

Keep it short.

That's one that always applies. In those cases where someone is genuinely interested, still, they are starting a conversation. Details should be given in conversation, not as a monologue. The initial answer should always be short.

As far as getting this question from strangers, sometimes I don't answer at all. It's a greeting, and responding with a different greeting works. Not always, but often. (And sometimes people say "How are you?" in passing and don't even wait for an answer.) I'm also quite okay with blatant lying, with strangers, when "fine" or "good" or such isn't a truthful answer. My thinking is that, in those cases, the true answer is none of their business anyway.