What to do when you find out your Husband has Autism

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I showed my love by acts of service, my wife wanted touch or words. I failed her love language and that's cost me big time.

Love language... Yeah. I think a lot of Aspies/auties like to provide practical help or material support. It's just so much easier to understand; it's concrete. I have a few friends (yeah, I know, surprises even me) and I tend to bring food whenever we get together, or to do things for them. Giving things and doing things is my style. I pretty much suck at being sympathetic or any of that fuzzy social stuff--if a friend of mine were to lose someone in the family I would be likely to offer to clean their house, bring them cookies, or something like that. I am aware that some people like you to listen, and I have some social scripts I use for that, but it didn't come naturally.

Yeah. That's something I've learned over the years--if I make a mistake, feeling guilty doesn't help; it is better to analyze why I made it, do what I can to fix any of the bad effects, and figure out how not to make it again. I'm one of those people that secretly feels they have to be absolutely perfect and that's the cause of a lot of pain if you let it run wild. Better to take practical action, focus on learning instead of "OMG I am such a horrible person".

Great info! Thanks.

From what you wrote in this thread, I get the sense that you are trying to get it to work again. I wish you the best of luck.


You're welcome! It warms my "Aspie-icecold-heart"(or so some would call it atleast) to see this knowledge spread and appreciated like this. A Christian congregation were the driving force behind the place I got this info, so in that sense, some might say it is God that brought you this info. (Disclaimer: I am not a religious person trying to push God down your throat, I merely state a fun fact about this logical theory)

Ah the love languages, my husbands needs on this are acts of service and words of affirmation, unfortunately mine are meaningful touch and quality time. I am aware of my husbands needs and cater to them, I love him and have always tried to do my best. Guys I am learning plenty right now, but I am wondering is it possible to have the kind of relationship with him that I need or is what I have the best it can be. Is it really true that to stay with the person I love really mine laying down and letting go of what's important to this heart. I know I can and do take care of his needs, i guess I have danced the dance for a long time. I want my marriage to work, I just don't know if I can let go of what I need too. Are there any of you with ordinary partners that have and do make this work, if so how do they gave there needs met? Is there conflict when there needs aren't met?

It can be psychologically harmful in the long run to deny your own needs. Spelling them out for your husband will either be draining for you or rewarding for both of you.

I guess the question is: Do you want your husband, or do you want some hypothetical perfect guy (or no guy at all)? Relationships take a lot of work--is this one you're willing to work for? If yes, then go to it. If no, then it's time to find a way you can both be happy apart from each other. If you love him--all of him--then in a very real way, you love his autism, too, because that's part of him. Okay, so you have a name for it now; but it hasn't changed who he is. He was autistic when you fell in love with him, and he's still the same guy. All that's changed is that some psychologist has given it a name.

BTW, do remember that too much giving in/giving up/sacrifice/whatever may not be healthy in a relationship, because if you go too far with them, you cannot sustain those things forever, and that tends to make people subconsciously resentful of each other. You have to accept each other as-is, with everybody's desires and needs taking equal importance. You compromise, yes; but you both compromise. Not that it'll be easy; but just 'cause he's autistic doesn't mean that he doesn't need to compromise too. It's probably going to be really hard for him, and that you can respect; but that's what counselors are for. You two can sit down and say, "Okay, mister counselor; we need to learn how to deal with this problem, and that problem, and this other problem; and we want to be fair about it so that nobody ends up walking all over anybody else," and then you start trying things until something works.

You married him for a reason, right? You saw a lot of things about him that you think are wonderful. Is that worth working for?

Last edited by Callista on 03 Jul 2012, 3:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I guess u have to weigh up in your mind whether he will work with you. I wish u luck. From my perspective I would work 100% of the time if it got my wife back

Hey guys, two people have asked if I am willing to work at my marriage, I find it interesting question considering I have stayed regardless and worked hard on our life for just over 20 years now. I have done all of the suggestions in my own way BUT what I have heard reverberated through our conversations is he can make choices of the heart if he wants to. I addressed this with him last night, and was struck by your insight throughout that conversation. He has decided that his life issues are my responsibility, that I have to find the answers for him, and in the moment he spoke these things I saw for the first time the manipulation and I stood steadfast to the truth. I explained patiently, calmly and caringly that I was not accepting responsibility for his behaviour choices anymore. I also told him that yes I love him and yes I believe in him and us BUT if our marriage does not survive it will be because he has decided this is all too hard for him. Which he clearly indicated at this stage that it is.
I understand Autism doesn't define or change who he is, yes he is still in essence the man I fell in love with but his behaviours changed so drastically that the only real part of the man I fell in love with is his shell. I hope in absorbing some of the facts you have all given me to work with, that I can reach him and help him, but as has been clearly pointed out I am not going to manipulate or be manipulated., I will perservere for our families sake, by the way we have 3 children as well that I am trying to help and guide through all of this as well. I can only say truly Thank You for helping me understand Autism and it's identity better. Xx

His life issues are your responsibility
You have To find the answer for him.....

I'm sorry but I'm an aspie and I don't agree with that. You can help him for sure... But real change has to come from within, by oneself and be long lasting. My wife won't do it for me any more so i admire your courage to stay. Wish my wife would( although she hasn't yet filed for divorce so theres still hope.) for me I realise that my behaviours and the results of these are my responsibility and no one else's

I liken it to the alcoholic. He may think he is ok, people may tell him he drinks to much, but until he realises it and goes to aa, his behaviour is never going to change.

I am quite taken aback by some of this response. I have walked by his side and supported him in everything but I will not be responsible for his autism as, he threw at me on Saturday, he told me that his autism was my problem and I had to fix it for him, I fix everything always have but I know if I own this for him like everything else nothing will change, just the same as his behavior toward me I refuse to take anymore of it. I know he has the ability to make Inertpersonal decisions he chooses not to make good ones when it concerns me. I do and I have helped him but I am not shouldering this on my own. He owns it and seeks help himself or I am out...

Couldn't agree more Beth v. Can you talk to my wife ? Lol. I have taken full ownership of my aspergers and am doing absolutely everything to improve myself. But she can't deal with it. I pray that she will comeback and our marriage will be saved.
Good luck.

Yeah. His autism is something he has to deal with, ultimately. It's not a moral failing; it's not a mental illness; but it is something about his brain that is different from most people's. Like anybody with a disability, he's at risk for losing self-determination because people assume he is incapable of making his own choices.

You can make sure that you learn the best possible ways to communicate with him, and you can support him. But you can't order him about, force him to change, or take care of his every need--he's an adult. Perhaps he could use somebody to help him, remind him of things; somebody to talk to about possible solutions; somebody to brainstorm with. You could do that--but as an equal. If he needs help with something, he should be the one to decide he needs help and what kind of help he wants.

Right now, chances are he is scared. He may be trying to get you to "fix" his problems because he depends on you and has no idea where to start himself. If you can nudge him in the right direction, support him, etc., that would be helpful, but if he doesn't take charge of his own life, he'll feel forever overwhelmed and helpless. Don't let the world tell him that he is incompetent. He's probably grown up with all these stereotypes about autism and about disability in general--that he's less worthy, less valuable; that he can't do this and can't do that; that people are wonderful for putting up with him; that he's a child that has to be taken care of. When somebody who has been exposed to those ideas his whole life is suddenly diagnosed with a disability, even an invisible one, it can be really tough to deal with.

I agree that having kids with someone is an excellent reason to make sure your relationship with them stays civil. Whether you stay together or not, aim for making sure to maintain your friendship, so that your children are not caught in the middle.

One of the great things about being human is free will. With knowledge and awareness, we can change ourselves and our behaviors by choice. There is no one way to be an Aspie, no one way to be a human being.... if there is still hope he can change WHAT he does and still feel comfortable with WHY he does it.

This period of time, if the two of you are strong and willing, can shape the rest of your lives together. Spell it out for him, he makes changes in his behavior and seeks to understand and accept his condition (you can lay out some concrete ways he can show you he's doing this if you wish), then you stay. But you want a time table, a progress chart, something tangible so that both of you can see what's happening.

It's sad he says it's too hard. What could bring him to see losing you would be harder?

Edited to add: I'm just wondering by that last question if he's in denial of his diagnosis? That would be a deal-breaker for me. Also, I don't think he manipulated you.... excuse me I'm about to be blunt: I think anyone who would let their husband have a mistress then play the jealousy game when there emerged a preference for the mistress' company should think again about who's manipulating who. Is that even morally okay in the NT world?

Depends. Some people in open relationships have agreements like, "You can have other lovers, but I'm the one you love." Which seems weird to me, but considering I don't really have a sex drive to worry about, I can't judge them beyond advising people to trust their consciences. My gut feeling, as an asexual person who wants deep emotional connections but not sex, says that humans are best off in monogamous relationships because of all the resentment and favoritism that comes up when there are more than two people involved, whether it's a love triangle or a polygamous/group marriage... but if there's no abuse involved, I'd rather just butt out and leave their own personal decisions up to them.

You want to divorce your husband of 20 YEARS just because he has Asperger's, a mild form of autism?

Why exactly do you want to divorce the husband? Surely 20 years of marriage can't be thrown away because you finally have a term for the development disorder he has had all these years.