Have you ever had to endure bullying in your own family??
22 Jan 2021, 5:22 pm
Yes I recognize those symptoms in the family unit . Psychological and physically violent , most of earliest memories ,
Bullying might be a polite way to term these experiences . But you learn things that you wouldn’t wish these things
On another human .
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22 Jan 2021, 5:47 pm
I was bullied as a kid, by my older brother.
He wasn't generally violent, at least not after i started to learn karate.
He could be very cruel psychologically, and i usually took the brunt of all his jokes.
He was very funny, so some times, his jokes which were aimed at me made even me laugh.
His mates were all the same and i often became the brunt of all their jokes.
Over years of being ridiculed in every way you could imagine, I did develop skill in humorous responses.
some which were as funny or even funnier than his jokes.
Growing up with people like my brother, who made jokes about me constant from the day I was born
did kind of teach me a survival skill, as well as taught me not to be too hypersensitive.
I actually think now parents should bring up their kids with an understanding that this kind of thing happens,
and to train their kids to learn to be resilient to other people's verbal attacks.
Although bullying is wrong, like a lot of things in life, it is impossible to police everything that happens,
so learning to be resilient instead of reactive is a useful skill.
As bullies often are looking for a reaction, and if they get one, they then usually hone in on you as their favourite victim
where if you are able to resist reacting, then they often will move on to find someone else to pick on.
22 Jan 2021, 7:48 pm
madbutnotmad wrote:
I was bullied as a kid, by my older brother.
He wasn't generally violent, at least not after i started to learn karate.
He could be very cruel psychologically, and i usually took the brunt of all his jokes.
He was very funny, so some times, his jokes which were aimed at me made even me laugh.
His mates were all the same and i often became the brunt of all their jokes.
Over years of being ridiculed in every way you could imagine, I did develop skill in humorous responses.
some which were as funny or even funnier than his jokes.
Growing up with people like my brother, who made jokes about me constant from the day I was born
did kind of teach me a survival skill, as well as taught me not to be too hypersensitive.
I actually think now parents should bring up their kids with an understanding that this kind of thing happens,
and to train their kids to learn to be resilient to other people's verbal attacks.
Although bullying is wrong, like a lot of things in life, it is impossible to police everything that happens,
so learning to be resilient instead of reactive is a useful skill.
As bullies often are looking for a reaction, and if they get one, they then usually hone in on you as their favourite victim
where if you are able to resist reacting, then they often will move on to find someone else to pick on.
He wasn't generally violent, at least not after i started to learn karate.
He could be very cruel psychologically, and i usually took the brunt of all his jokes.
He was very funny, so some times, his jokes which were aimed at me made even me laugh.
His mates were all the same and i often became the brunt of all their jokes.
Over years of being ridiculed in every way you could imagine, I did develop skill in humorous responses.
some which were as funny or even funnier than his jokes.
Growing up with people like my brother, who made jokes about me constant from the day I was born
did kind of teach me a survival skill, as well as taught me not to be too hypersensitive.
I actually think now parents should bring up their kids with an understanding that this kind of thing happens,
and to train their kids to learn to be resilient to other people's verbal attacks.
Although bullying is wrong, like a lot of things in life, it is impossible to police everything that happens,
so learning to be resilient instead of reactive is a useful skill.
As bullies often are looking for a reaction, and if they get one, they then usually hone in on you as their favourite victim
where if you are able to resist reacting, then they often will move on to find someone else to pick on.
Sorry you were bullied as a kid, by your older brother.
Emotional violence is still violence and can hurt if not handled correctly.
Karate sounds like it warded off any physical violence.
It sounded like, although his jokes were cruel psychologically, you learnt to laugh them off.
It sounded like you learnt to develop humour to counter the attacks from the brother and his pals.
It's unusual for kids to learn from bullies the skills they need, usually it's kids who read fiction and learn from literature stories of bullying that builds up resilience.
Unfortunately some parents have kids so that they can pick on them, either physically or psychologically and sadly some of these parents do not teach kids how to ward off bullies, so that they turn out vulnerable and dependent on the parents as these parents need their kids as a physical or emotional punch bag. These kids turn out fragile, weak or go the other way, aggressive and bullies themselves.
Learning to be resilient instead of reactive is a useful skill. I wish I had not given up reading fiction as I think it would have taught me these skills and also to bounce back from any abuse I did receive.
Instead I reacted to bullies, I wasnt beaten by them, just humiliated and exploited and psychologically bullied. I was too scared to fight, I used to get my sister to fight my battles. Yes, unfortunately I did not learn that skill on resisting reacting.
22 Jan 2021, 8:06 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
Sometimes, though not sure it was always totally intentional.
I can say my sister did more than once, but for the most part we actually did have a pretty good relationship. Honestly I had forgotten a lot of anything and a couple years ago she like messaged me on facebook to apologize of all the times she was mean when we were growing up. But looking back I didn't think she was that mean so I was kind of surprised she felt that much remorse about it. But yeah she always was a popular kid and I was not really, so maybe she was worried I'd harm her reputation...IDK perhaps I should have more hard feelings about it than I do but I don't. Mostly as of late I'd just like to actually spend some time with her but she's so flaky about making plans it's hard to do that.
My mom though I feel I felt bullied by her multiple times, but I don't think she like meant to per say...like she had the way she thinks things are and I was at odds with some of that even since my childhood. So she was probably just trying to instill what she thought was right or whatever and I didn't see eye to eye with it. Also sometimes when I complained to her about getting bullied at school she'd say I brought it on myself, but never bother to offer an explanation of how I might have done that or even ideas of how to avoid it. So yeah she was not much use for any of that.
I can say my sister did more than once, but for the most part we actually did have a pretty good relationship. Honestly I had forgotten a lot of anything and a couple years ago she like messaged me on facebook to apologize of all the times she was mean when we were growing up. But looking back I didn't think she was that mean so I was kind of surprised she felt that much remorse about it. But yeah she always was a popular kid and I was not really, so maybe she was worried I'd harm her reputation...IDK perhaps I should have more hard feelings about it than I do but I don't. Mostly as of late I'd just like to actually spend some time with her but she's so flaky about making plans it's hard to do that.
My mom though I feel I felt bullied by her multiple times, but I don't think she like meant to per say...like she had the way she thinks things are and I was at odds with some of that even since my childhood. So she was probably just trying to instill what she thought was right or whatever and I didn't see eye to eye with it. Also sometimes when I complained to her about getting bullied at school she'd say I brought it on myself, but never bother to offer an explanation of how I might have done that or even ideas of how to avoid it. So yeah she was not much use for any of that.
Of course many parents unintentionally misunderstand autism and get a bit irate.
Your sister's apology must have been healing. Facebook can be good for long separated bullies to apologise to victims, I remember a boy apologising to me, now a man, his daughter was bullied and he thought of me.
Quote:
But looking back I didn't think she was that mean so I was kind of surprised she felt that much remorse about it.
It is easier for people who were a little tiny bit mean to reflect and feel remorse, however the meaner a person was, the more deeply they were hurt and the more difficult it is for them to show remorse.
My youngest big sister said "In our school it was a case of bully or be bullied" however when I accused her of ruining my life through bullying, she sobbed her heart out and I felt terrible. Dad was in the room saying it was a storm in a teacup, at the root of our family bullying was his problems, not him as a person but his problems and the way he dealt with them by trying to cause misery.
Some people are just flaky that is them, not you.
It sounds like your mother didn't intentionally bully you. I tried to at 23(late)tell my mother I was unhappy with the way my Dad treated her and us and she said it was my problem. She said she wanted to hurt me as she felt I hurt her. She used to say I deliberately annoyed her. This is why I am surprised that when I told her of my diagnosis last year I got such little feedback from her or the family.
Bitterness is bad, it has caused me problems, but I feel sad that no one has said "Awww you are autistic, you weren't a spaz, baby, cripple etc, however I have to take responsibility for not learning to brush off these names as their problem not mine.
Its sad your mother thought you brought bullying on yourself without offering you an explanation, I don't know about you, but when anyone makes a decision that affects my life and does not offer an explanation I try to push for one, dunno if that is an autistic thing.
Sweetleaf
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22 Jan 2021, 8:19 pm
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Sometimes, though not sure it was always totally intentional.
I can say my sister did more than once, but for the most part we actually did have a pretty good relationship. Honestly I had forgotten a lot of anything and a couple years ago she like messaged me on facebook to apologize of all the times she was mean when we were growing up. But looking back I didn't think she was that mean so I was kind of surprised she felt that much remorse about it. But yeah she always was a popular kid and I was not really, so maybe she was worried I'd harm her reputation...IDK perhaps I should have more hard feelings about it than I do but I don't. Mostly as of late I'd just like to actually spend some time with her but she's so flaky about making plans it's hard to do that.
My mom though I feel I felt bullied by her multiple times, but I don't think she like meant to per say...like she had the way she thinks things are and I was at odds with some of that even since my childhood. So she was probably just trying to instill what she thought was right or whatever and I didn't see eye to eye with it. Also sometimes when I complained to her about getting bullied at school she'd say I brought it on myself, but never bother to offer an explanation of how I might have done that or even ideas of how to avoid it. So yeah she was not much use for any of that.
I can say my sister did more than once, but for the most part we actually did have a pretty good relationship. Honestly I had forgotten a lot of anything and a couple years ago she like messaged me on facebook to apologize of all the times she was mean when we were growing up. But looking back I didn't think she was that mean so I was kind of surprised she felt that much remorse about it. But yeah she always was a popular kid and I was not really, so maybe she was worried I'd harm her reputation...IDK perhaps I should have more hard feelings about it than I do but I don't. Mostly as of late I'd just like to actually spend some time with her but she's so flaky about making plans it's hard to do that.
My mom though I feel I felt bullied by her multiple times, but I don't think she like meant to per say...like she had the way she thinks things are and I was at odds with some of that even since my childhood. So she was probably just trying to instill what she thought was right or whatever and I didn't see eye to eye with it. Also sometimes when I complained to her about getting bullied at school she'd say I brought it on myself, but never bother to offer an explanation of how I might have done that or even ideas of how to avoid it. So yeah she was not much use for any of that.
Of course many parents unintentionally misunderstand autism and get a bit irate.
Your sister's apology must have been healing. Facebook can be good for long separated bullies to apologise to victims, I remember a boy apologising to me, now a man, his daughter was bullied and he thought of me.
Quote:
But looking back I didn't think she was that mean so I was kind of surprised she felt that much remorse about it.
It is easier for people who were a little tiny bit mean to reflect and feel remorse, however the meaner a person was, the more deeply they were hurt and the more difficult it is for them to show remorse.
My youngest big sister said "In our school it was a case of bully or be bullied" however when I accused her of ruining my life through bullying, she sobbed her heart out and I felt terrible. Dad was in the room saying it was a storm in a teacup, at the root of our family bullying was his problems, not him as a person but his problems and the way he dealt with them by trying to cause misery.
Some people are just flaky that is them, not you.
It sounds like your mother didn't intentionally bully you. I tried to at 23(late)tell my mother I was unhappy with the way my Dad treated her and us and she said it was my problem. She said she wanted to hurt me as she felt I hurt her. She used to say I deliberately annoyed her. This is why I am surprised that when I told her of my diagnosis last year I got such little feedback from her or the family.
Bitterness is bad, it has caused me problems, but I feel sad that no one has said "Awww you are autistic, you weren't a spaz, baby, cripple etc, however I have to take responsibility for not learning to brush off these names as their problem not mine.
Its sad your mother thought you brought bullying on yourself without offering you an explanation, I don't know about you, but when anyone makes a decision that affects my life and does not offer an explanation I try to push for one, dunno if that is an autistic thing.
Well certainly cannot say she did much to ruin my life, it was more she wasn't always very supportive and she'd tell me I dress like an old lady and stuff like that. But I think part of why she felt bad is she is the one who figured I might have autism, once I was an adult so I think she felt bad that some of what she gave me crap about was likely part of the autism but she didn't know I had autism growing up. So I think she feels bad she may have been misunderstanding of that. But whatever, I forgive her mostly I'd just like to see more of her these days. As for my sister being flaky that is like my whole families complaint about her so it's certainly not just me.
And yeah I just ended up feeling even worse about it with my mom telling me that, like just made me try to seek out what was wrong with me like what was so bad about me I just brought it on. I mean could be she was even trying to be helpful maybe she thought that would make me reflect on things(she didn't know I had autism either) so maybe she figured I had enough social knowledge to figure it out, like she may not have been able to understand that I literally did not get social interaction so had no way to really understand how to interact better.
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