Why therapy won't work

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I don't feel I permitted all that to do anything to me, didn't stop it and I didn't come out stronger or more valuable, maybe a little bit smarter since I think all life experiences will create learning of some kind though sometimes its not good things you learn.

Wonderful insight and wonderful post. This is my view view, too---however one point worth noting is that when a person begins to focus on himself. take conscious care of himself and make himself happy, it is my experience that everyone around him will begin to be happier, too. Putting a different kind of spin on things will affect not only oneself but other people also.

Re therapy, I am already planning to write somewhat extensively on this subject from the slant of asd in the future and will eventually start a thread, but to make my position clear, personally I would not recommend therapy to anyone unless perhaps I knew the particular therapist and how he worked, meaning I have experienced therapy with him and not just that I am a therapist or social worker and know he has a good reputation or he just has an office down the hall. Most of these guys really are not that good, possibly out and out bad or even psychologically kind of sick.. It is too hit and miss.This said, I believe it is possible for the right therapist in the right circumstances to really help someone to a certain degree if the therapist has good insight and the client is really committed to growing from the process.

I can see the point you are making but how I feel about other peoples' behaviour towards me won't change just because I view it as unchangeable. I already know this and it's what causes depression ie knowing I'm going to have to keep putting up with it.
I get the impression your experiences with other people are a lot different to mine.

If people run me down and make me feel bad about myself when I go out how is saying to myself, "They aren't going to change and I'm feeling just fine about that fact!" going to give me more energy?? It sucks the life out of me if truth be told and makes me not want to have to repeat the experience! So what coping mechanism exactly should I be using? From what I've read about psychology there's such a thing as 'learned helplessness' and that occurs when whatever you do you still suffer - this is exactly what happens to me! I'm like the rat in the laboratory never knowing when the next electric shock is going to come off other people.

Even if I had more energy - what would I be using it for exactly? Going out and doing stuff among other people? They're the ones treating me badly remember!

I have to agree with nerissa...being around people who are constantly negative towards you is incredibly draining.

I love to use humour and to laugh for example and I cannot do this when I am around people who are constantly putting me down, endlessly complaining every 2 seconds, always making nasty sniping comments and who seem to have no passion whatsoever for anything in life other than making gossip, stirring up trouble and ridiculing anyone or anything they consider to be different from them. I don't like being seen as some kind of defective mutant and don't want to be around people who view me as such.

Due to my emotional sensitivity (as well as my physical sensitivity) I would rather be in a loving, understanding, nurturing caring environment as well. Having to put up with sensing constant hate and negativity from people is unpleasant. It washes off them in droves...

I may not be able to understand their way of thinking, work out what they are thinking and I may struggle with social cues and rituals but I can sense what a person is feeling...in fact I can even start feeling what they are feeling as though I am some kind of emotional sponge at times. If they are feeling dislike, I feel it, if they are feeling sad, I feel it, if they are feeling embarrassed, I feel it, If they are feeling hatred I feel it....

Add in constantly having to walk on egg shells, constantly having to remember this remember that, work out this social rule work out that social rule and by the time you have finished socialising you are absolutely exhausted and feeling down right miserable from all the negativity flying around.

At least when I am alone with my cross stitching I feel love and contentment and I can see great beauty in what I am doing, even if others can't. It makes me smile. Being around other people makes me frown.

And no admitting to yourself that you can't change anything does not help one iota, it just makes it all the more depressing because you feel as though you are trapped in some hell dimension you can't get out of waiting for days of endless torture to lie ahead.

Plus how am I supposed to just be ok with not being able to change behaviour that I can clearly see is causing much suffering and pain in the world? When it is hurting so many people? How can I just be ok with that and ignore it? It hurts that I can do nothing about it.

Being rejected by the world because my way of thinking is different and then being forced into isolation because of the above also hurts...I get lonely some days and that is depressing too.

One day I hope to find just one person who can love and accept me.

Maybe nerissa wants to be in an accepting friendly environment too where she is free to be herself and not be hurt by people and constantly judged.

I know exactly how you feel

I think besides the fact of us having Aspergers this kind of behaviour is also just a symptom of today's society, which has definitely become a lot worse in attitude since I was a child. Far less tolerant and far less kind and thoughtful.

I don't think anyone has a particularly good time of it in society today, it's just that having Asperger's Syndrome puts you in a low position in the social hierarchy, to the extent that plenty of people see you as fair game to dump their s**t on! We don't have to accept it though - let them keep it!

Bumble, not sure why you have not acknowledged my information on how you can get assessed?

If you think/feel it is always going to be this way for you, then why even bother talking about it? (All I can think of is that it is your particular way of socializing right now, but hopefully not forever.) Or are you looking for a way to be happy and so at least open to the possibility that just because it has always been this way for you it does not have to continue to be this way? Depending upon the kind of childhood a person has had I acknowledge he may not have the same inner resources to tap into that another person may have.

I am pretty high on the spectrum, but as a child I was kind of socialized and so can to some degree enjoy the company of people, especially on a kind of superficial level. Do not like parties in general and find most people kind of boring, but daily interactions with people on the bus, in stores and with customers at my job does give quite a lot of pleasure and more and more often even great joy. Not always so, though, as I used to easily find a gripe or feel other unpleasant emotions.

Also, you didn't exactly say it, but you seem to be implying that other people's responses to you have nothing to do with the way that you think and feel about them. Personally I generally tend to stay away from people who do not make me feel good when I am with them, (but when I do have to be with them try to be considerate of their feelings, friendly and polite)..Most people do that as far as I know, unless there is some kind of dysfunction, so for you to be staying away from such people seems to me to be perfectly natural.
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In the past I was doing things and behaving in ways I was not really aware of, which behavior was causing some negative responses in other people. At the time I didn't even realize what was going on....just vaguely aware that something was, but the dynamic needed to be pointed out to me.

Finally, it seems to me that framing things in terms of oneself (aspie or whatever) versus so- called normal is not a wholesome approach.

Dear God. I feel so identified with this thread that I hardly believe it!! !

A couple of weeks ago I was talking about that with a close friend. I have debated sometimes with her about psychology, about life problems and even about asperger. She's a neurotypical and, of course, she faces everything from the neurotypical point of view. This day I was trying to explain to her that my mind works [at least from my point of view] in a purely rational and logical way. And suddenly she said 'well, but you have emotional problems too, just they are different for you'.

Yeap. That's it. It took her several years to understand that. Several-fucking-years.

And this is it. Asperger is not a psychological problem. Asperger is a different psychology. And no therapist, at least no NT therapist is able to understand. I can have psychological problems, of course: I can be depressed or anxious, though I react to them in a different way that NT would do. But they are different and they work in a different way.

For example, for any NT one of the most important elements in any problematic psychological situation is self-deception. NT thinking is very dependant on emotions, and when their psychologal state is defective, that feature becomes self-defeating.

Indeed:

It just doesn't work. At least, it doesn't work for me. And saying that to any NT is like giving offense to a holy axiom of their world. And I can understand why: self-deception can be so dangerous that you need to be self-deceptive in a possitive way. If you can't trust your analitical skills, it's better to be possitive. But the thing is: not matter what, I can analyze any situation in a very cold-blooded and logical way. My emotions never, NEVER, trouble my analytical skills. So I'm just unable of being self-deceptive.

But explaining that to a NT is useless. I can say it with simple words, with a clear meaning and nonetheless it won't be understood. Sometimes I just wonder if they're really intelligent life over this planet. Because sometimes it doesn't look like.

And, even though this a NT world and I agree that I must adapt, I'm sorry but I don't consider some features of me as problems. For example: when I was a student, I used to have conflicts with some flatmates. I never understood why. Years after it, I realized that I divide people in 'friends' and 'rest of the world'. And even though I care a lot about my friends, I don't feel the need to show any feeling with the rest of the world. Of course, I'm civilized and polite, but that's all. It took me years to understand that many people feel agressed by it. So now, I just fake it and I show some warm in any social interaction. And there's no more conflicts. That was all. And since I agree with the need to adapt to the normal world manners in a world where asperger is a small minority, I don't accept that NT's need for emotional connection as my fault.



Absolutelly NOT. And I can be sure of that. Indeed, it took me long, but I'm quite good at social interaction right now. But even though, I need to be alone. And my friends usually are not able to understand that. Since I use to look very open and extrovert, it looks like I need people around, and it's just the opposite. Social interaction makes me feel exhausted. Of course, I'm glad to put on this 'extrovert' mask since I consider that this makes my friends feel better, and I consider a sign of appreciation to them. But that doesn't change the fact that it's not natural and it's NOT relaxed.



There's no way to fix that. NT are not able to understand that words can be just what they are, with no second meanings neither intentions. I have been dealing with that my whole life. I got over it using humour. Now I'm always slightly ironic, walking over the edge that separates a serious talk from one that's not. And so, I have been told that sometimes it's very difficult to know if I'm being serious or not. What they don't know is that sometimes some inappropiate comment that was taken as a humorous comment... was not. Anyway, they don't need to know that, it's my way to cover the misundertandings.

But



That's frutrating. This friend I was previously talking about uses to say me 'oh, of course, you're always right'. But the issue is that, yeap, I always use to be right, because I always use to be clear and straight. And that's even worse, since NT people consider humiliating to be wrong. And then you have to deal with all this rubbish, and after it, you have to deal with the annoyance due that you were right. And it's asperger that is called a 'disorder'? C'mon!! !

I am working my way backwards through the thread and will address it shortly.

"If you think/feel it is always going to be this way for you, then why even bother talking about it?"

Er because this is a discussion board where people post to express themselves and get support perhaps?

"(All I can think of is that it is your particular way of socializing right now, but hopefully not forever.) "

This leaves me speechless!

We seem to have gone from 'This is what you need to do to feel better' to 'So you don't want to take my advice hmmm?
well shut up then please!'

It's a good job I'm in a relatively good mood this evening is all I can say!

Bumble seems to feel the same way as myself as well

Never mind, perhaps someone else will benefit from your er helpful advice

Last edited by nessa238 on 25 Mar 2013, 6:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I will look into it...

OK, that's good. I hope it helps you.

Thank you.

Hi

Im new here and I just wanted to say that I agree fully with those who say therapy doesnt work.
Infact I think in my case therapy actually made me worse.

I only got my diagnosis of atypical autism recently and had gone to several counsellors/psychotherpists/psychiatrists before I had been diagnosed. Although I maintained I was not normal and thought different to other people, they all dismissed it until I finally found this forum and learned about aspergers/autism.I then organised an assessment in a private clinic myself, where I was diagnosed.

I am very angry with all those who I attended for help. I have read that perhaps there are certain therapies which may help aspergers/atypical autism but I think going to a conventional counsellor, etc for conventional NT therapy is a disaster.

Basically, I cant understand how anybody could find it useful, even NTs. From my experience, you basically tell the counsellor your problem, then they say the exact opposite and your just suppossed to believe them, even though thay provide no evidence or facts to support what they are saying. When you dont follow their advice, they just accuse you of not making an effort and not wanting to change or of thinking about things too much or too scientifically. If I have problems, am I not supposed to think about them or analyse them. If things are bad, then why should I look on the bright side? I wish I could believe what they told me but I find its just not logical.

Also (and this has been previously mentioned before in this tread by whirlingmind), I find everything they say I will have thought of 1000 times before they ever bring it up & I feel they never show any acceptance that any other way of thinking, reasoning or acting, apart from how normal society expects you to is correct.

I am quite high functioning and I can act my way through or around most situations but I find it incredible frustrating at times. As only my parents and a couple of frends know of my condition & they dont want to hear or learn anything about it, I have never discusssed my thoughts with anyone except those so called professionals I've went to see. It is so great to have a forum like this where I can see im not alone

I think that a big part of therapy is wanting it to work. However, I also think a big part of therapy is having a therapist who understands you. Someone who doesn't understand autism is likely to assume all kinds of strange things about you and project things onto you that were never there.

My favorite was a therapist who thought my stimming was OCD, or nervousness. If I didn't stim, she interpreted that as "low anxiety" even though I was far more comfortable stimming than not.

She also assumes I agree with her when I don't have a response ready.

I think an important part of therapy is being able to trust the therapist and having some sort of connection. For me, I usually don't like being directly told to do anything, it usually has to be more indirect for me; it helps to see something as benefiting myself. I also have trouble talking about things I don't want to. Makes small talk difficult.

This is the third time I have simply stopped visiting my current therapist, I am sensing a pattern. I think I am going to look for a new one. That and I might need to go on antidepressants/anxiety medication.