Why are people so easily offended?

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I think these biases absolutely do happen, and absolutely are a problem.

That's one of the reasons why I asked the OP if she'd had a history of misunderstandings. I had said, "it's possible that you may have brushed things off in the past, so they were over-sensitive."

Honestly, I think the only way to overcome this is when someone has an emotional reaction, to be sure not to try to brush it off. The "brush-off" can hurt ten times more than the original issue hurt, and then it leads to these biases. I can see how this would be a problem for an aspie person, though. They might feel like they are just perpetually explaining themselves and apologizing. I can see how that would be exhausting and they might get frustrated and wish that people would just give them the benefit of the doubt!

Because calling someone fat, ugly, or stupid hurts. Plain and simple! It's like you are pointing out the obvious, like they don't already know. If someone is overweight or not attractive, they probably already know that. People get offended when other people draw attention to the things they are already self conscious about. Calling someone an idiot is typically used to belittle someone, and is a common insult. I don't know a soul who likes being called an idiot. I do agree that some people need to lighten up a bit about some things if it is meant as a joke, and not make a big deal out of such.

I don't think you're paranoid. I get this exact thing too. I think it's because certain tiny things like not making eye contact and not picking up social cues can make NTs feel extremely uncomfortable around you. However, they know it's not a good enough excuse to avoid being around you or exclude you, because that would appear really callous and judgmental, so they try their best to find ways they could avoid the discomfort of being around you without being looked down upon by other NTs as mean/intolerant. This means trying to "justify" their avoidance/distaste for you in a socially acceptable way to other NTs.



I would never call someone fat, ugly, etc. to their face. Like I said, I follow the golden rule, and I wouldn't want anyone who is not my best friend, family, or fiancé saying those things to me. Even so, I know that NTs are more sensitive about certain things and definitely take heed to that.

As for the "idiot logic" comment, I don't feel I insulted anyone in particular, just the logic itself. Nor did I insult all NTs, I just insulted a logical process that is associated with that group (by pointing out an objective hypocrisy). It's like saying "I think communist is a idiotic ideology". It's a bit harsh, yes, and might make people feel uncomfortable, but I definitely don't think it would be offended unless it was at a communist in a rude tone right after he gave a talk on communism (that's rubbing it in and insulting his work in a completely untactful way).

I think the whole difference between making people uncomfortable and offended might be not as large as you'd imagine. I can't really back that up with anything but my own feelings, though, so a critique of this comment would be appreciated.

I can also say that insulting a process associated with a group can also be interpreted as insulting that group, spread stigma, etc, and can definitely be offensive. So saying NTs have idiot skewed logic could be interpreted by many NTs as being offensive. Part of that, however, was the way you said it. If you said "A trait associated with many NTs is discussing another person's faults without the person around" I don't think the offense would be as likely, because you're (a) not using inflammatory words and (b) not generalizing as much (implying that it's many of them instead of all). Generalizing about groups in general when saying anything negative seems to be rather dangerous, and I would advise against it.

No offense, etc is intended by this post, btw, just in case anyone takes it that way - I'm just trying to contribute to the discussion/understanding of this issue.

Alright, I'm done here now. I did my mighty best to give the benefit of the doubt that the disagreements in this thread were due to aspie factors and not just someone being intentionally argumentative, but I was foolish to put so much effort into this. You're not being honest with yourself, or with others on this site.

There are some people (both NT and AS) who don't use disagreements as an opportunity to find mutual understanding. They use arguments like soldiers - they say what is necessary in order to win the argument. An argument should be used to convey truth, and to encourage truth in return.

You're not looking for an honest answer for your question -- you were looking for people to back you up and agree with you that you're not a bad person and the only reason anyone is upset with you is because they are idiots.

The racist chicken heart joke is not black-and-white. It's going to be funny to some and offensive to others, and NONE Of those people are idiots for either reaction.

If there's a misunderstanding, it doesn't mean that you are a horrible, terrible person. I realize that if you are constantly misunderstood, it can be very upsetting and you might begin to feel that you're being unfairly judged and unfairly treated. It sucks to feel like you're constantly being picked on for every little thing, even when you didn't mean it. I can relate to that. I had a lousy childhood and nobody was ever on my side or gave me the benefit of the doubt. It's a lonely place to be, and I have great empathy for you... and I also get how it's very soothing to try to rally the troops so that you can feel better about the situation, and what you probably need is a few good friends to say, "YEAH, those guys are IDIOTS!"

Instead of asking...



(which was a disingenuous question, because you've rejected the honest answers you were given)

You probably should have said either, "Fellow aspies, doesn't this kind of thing frustrate you too?" or if you were really looking for responses from NTs, perhaps you should have been more honest about what you were really hoping to accomplish and said, "Neurotypicals, can you please explain to me why you have 'idiot logic' and then I will tell you exactly why you are wrong."

Forgive me for having taken the question as sincere and genuine. Perhaps I've spent too much time talking to the MANY genuine, intelligent, kind-hearted aspies on this site and have come to expect that when something is said, that it is truth.

This is not an aspie-related misunderstanding.... You're being defensive and argumentative - not because of aspergers, but because you are hurt and defensive. I'm not going to take part in your merry-go-round. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry you get hurt a lot because of misunderstandings. Therapy can be very helpful for insecurities that come from that kind of thing.

Don't ask me... I feel the same way. People are very easily offended.

Sometimes I think people choose to get offended and I don't understand. No one likes to get offended but when I see someone getting offended for no reason, it looks like to me they chose to be just to look for trouble or something. Like some people will go online and get offended by something just to have an excuse to be a bully and troll. That was very common behavior at Babycenter when I always went there.

Also I think some people are just too darn sensitive they take anything the wrong way and get offended. Also insecurity will do it. Also a problem at Babycenter.

Also put in mind when you're pregnant, you're going to be more sensitive so you may be easily offended by things but I think some of them use it as an excuse to be a jerk and to be mean.

You could consider that you might be as guilty of misunderstanding the meaning of what others are saying as you assert that they are. Some times some people see it as ok to assert a joint failing in all people on the spectrum, but then take offence when the same is done of NTs. Both groups are widely varying by individual, so don't be surprised if people point that (in previous sentence) out. It can be possible to avert some offence taken sometimes by thinking about what the person means before reacting. This is part of how people develop patience.

I wouldn't LIKE it if people called me fat/ugly/etc., I just wouldn't get offended, so I don't think the two statements are contradictory.

You're right that I shouldn't have used the term "idiot logic" as that is indeed inflammatory. Would it be less offensive if I said "idiot logic" instead of "idiot NT logic", because it's not insulting a particular group?

I can understand why the friend would be upset about the seeming invalidation, but I don't understand why the Asian joke would offend people. It's not racist or anything. It's just stating something that is true about a culture. I never implied that eating chicken hearts is uncivilized or whatnot.

no it's the science nerd and smart trope. not the chicken heart thing, that can be interpreted that way. kinda like joking about black people being good at sports. i understand that you're in med school and stuff but it's like, a trope that does have some issues especially with regards to the affirmative action debate. again i'm not being offended but this is how it can be viewed as problematic.

it is definitely, challenging to see how the model minority stereotype is problematic for many people, actually many asians don't see the problem either, so like i would not find your joke offensive in intent... but this is why many people who have studied ethnic studies and are active in affirmative action politics may find it so. sry if i sound angry/obsessed, no intention to be.

http://diverseeducation.com/article/52866/

Your joke would obviously be taken as racist. Firstly what is an "Asian" in a labcoat? Asia represents about 4000 different groups of people , hundreds of religions etc, it's about as meaningful as saying a "white person" in a labcoat.

Secondly you are making assumption this gentleman eats chicken hearts because he is Asian? that seems a tad narrow minded

Thirdly if you are planning to be a doctor then I suggest you don;t make assumptions about people when they walk into your clinic, Asians are not all the same and probably don;t appreciate your sense of humor.

I think a bit problem for many in this thread is that they think "That shouldn't be offensive" so they decide that the person or people who get offended are just doing it because they want to be offended, or they're looking for a reason to pick a fight. And, really, coming from people who are acting like they're totally misunderstood and their ~intentions~ weren't bad, assigning such negative motivations to people who react to what you say and do is BS.

If you upset someone, there are a few ways to respond. Two of them are:

* Try to play the victim as if it's their fault they found what you said or did upsetting. This is bound to inflame and aggravate the situation because you are insisting upon the reality and/or validity of what you did, while denying the reality and/or validity of people's honest reactions to what you did. This is one-sided and comes across very negatively.

* Apologize and move on. This really is not hard to do. Strangely, many people would rather throw huge melodramatic attention-seeking hissy fits about how unfair it is that people were offended by something they said or did than simply just accept that they (probably) unintentionally upset someone, apologize for the mistake, and move on.

If you find yourself responding with things like "political correctness" or "you just want to be offended" this is a sure sign that whatever you think you're saying, what you are really doing is making excuses for being a jerk.

AspieMD

The meme with the pig heart and the chicken heart was racist. It completely lacked the context that you've described for it. Had you simply related your personal story you probably would have received a better reaction. You may not see it as offensive, but that's because of your own ignorance, not because of the way the world works (or how you think it should work).

As for this thread, I am not offended by anything posted in it, but I think a lot of y'all are making excuses for being jerks, and trying to blame the people you've been jerks to rather than dealing with the fact that you've been jerks. Accidentally upsetting someone isn't being a jerk, but treating them like they're the problem because you pissed them off is being a jerk.

Are you saying that is reasonable to over react? Surely a responder bares as much responsibility for there own actions as anyone else.

^^^

Perfect example of the kind of excuse one might use to justify being a jerk. When I see these discussions happen in real time, it goes like:

* Potential jerk makes a bigoted joke
* Someone says "Dude, that's not cool."
* Potential jerk doubles down, flips out on the someone, accuses them of being emotional, tells them they're not objective enough to properly understand the joke, says they're overreacting, etc. Any number of things used in a desperate attempt to shift the focus from the fact that they made an undeniably bigoted joke and try to find a way to blame the people who object to the joke for objecting to it.

Later on, the now Actual Jerk goes on to justify their behavior, claiming that the emotional escalation was something that was done to them even though this was very much not the case.

Look, AspieMD started this post because he was overreacting to two situations that didn't go as he wanted them to go. He did not like that people had the agency and wherewithal to say, "you're being a jerk" in whatever words they used. Is that an overreaction? I don't think that's relevant. I think that most often, the responses from people trying to justify their jerk behavior are overreactions.

I also forgot to say that this isn't an Aspie/NT thing. I've seen people of many neurologies do exactly the same thing and respond with exactly the same jerk responses. I have seen people of many neurologies on the receiving end being told exactly the same thing, that they're wrong to react to having someone be a jerk to them. Using one's neurology as an excuse to be a jerk to other people, or to make it seem like your jerkness is some kind of behavior that is ~evolved~ beyond NT behaviors is just more excuses for being a jerk in the first place.

The simple answer is to not be a jerk. Anyone can be a potential jerk, but they can defuse the potential jerkness by not doubling down and confirming it.

I don't do anything of the things you seem to be accusing me of by implication. It is possible that either party can be a or the jerk or neither or both where there is a misunderstanding of this nature.

You'd think that "don't treat people like crap" would be a fairly non-controversial thing to say. Yet, when it comes to certain methods of treating people like crap, some people just fall apart at the thought that there's something wrong with that kind of bullying, or act like they're the victims because someone told them that being racist is bad.