Dog dying, parents think I'm horrid

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I agree. Some people also read hatred into some posts I make when it isn't there at all.
I think it's just a few people though.
I feel this sort of perception and expression is an indicator of basic differences between the neurotypes. Some people may be here because they have some characteristics of aspies, but may not actually have the same basic wiring, or maybe they do and have been conditioned more by social pressures than others here. That's hard to say.

I know for me the emotions involved in something like this are intense and VERY personal, so as others have said, I think it proper to withhold the reaction until I am alone and better prepared to focus on the emotions.

I can't see the true caring for the one suffering when I observe people acting/emoting hysterically, which seems to be more for the sake of proving their feelings to others around them than for the sake of the one suffering. The pet suffering is a perfect example of what I'm saying because the pet has no way to interpret their emoting, - only the other people do.

Crying your eyes out in front of your suffering pet is only likely to stress them further.
Worrying about how other people are interpreting your "acting" should be the last thing you feel the need to focus on when an emergency is at hand.

Personally, I think the negative comments come out of neurotypical missunderstanding of autism. In a situation of crisis, it should be the one in crisis who is the focus, not the reaction of people to the one in crisis. I think these people have some quirks and they identify as autistic because of it. Frankly, I think their distancing themselves from the OP is a demonstration of fear of what they perceive as psychopathy.

My thoughts as well.

BirdinFlight, please treat others with respect. Your last post her and the response to it have been removed.

I just now read this thread. I think all the judgment and criticism of the OP here is misplaced.

I've had a lot of experience with having pets die. And they will absolutely try to hold on longer if you are not letting go. If the animal has a good chance of recovering, that helps it to survive.

But when it does not have a good chance to recover, it just prolongs their suffering.

When people are sitting around watching the pet die and crying over it, it will try hard to hold on. Sometimes they do not pass on peacefully until everyone leaves the room.

It's perfectly fine to not feel a lot if a pet dies or not to make hoo-haw about it.
It's ok to feel that your parents have dragged it out too long. People sometimes do that. My vet and I disagreed about how long I should keep my cat going when she had cancer (he thought I held on too long, but he didn't know her as I did.)
It's not ok to have a condescending attitude about their feelings. Their feelings are their feelings. And I'm sure as adults they know a little bit more than you do about the whole 'cycle of life' thing and understand the life expectancy of certain types of pets.
What they want is a shared experience of grief. Maybe you can't give them that in the way they'd like. OK. But don't try to make them feel bad because they want that.

Yes they do get that "no life form lives forever", but knowing this (which is something everybody knows, including your parents) doesn't make it any easier when someone (or a pet) you loved dies. How do you think they would feel if you died? Do you think they would just say "ah well we all die one day" and not be affected at all by your death? I am pretty sure they would be devastated. My parents died a few years ago and I still miss them. A few months ago my dog died and I was devastated, he was my big boy and I loved him dearly and I still miss him very much (I get very attached to my dogs and cats, and its always very hard for me when they die). Also maybe realise that while you say that others judge you for "being a cold insensitive person", you are judging your parents as well for their feelings.

I don't think the OP is judging them for their feelings so much as judging them for putting their feelings above the well being of the dog. But that's only my take.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. A few years ago I had a cat who was pregnant and she was having difficulty giving birth, we went to the vet and he helped her give birth to the kittens, and then she was simply letting herself die (she had caught some kind of flu and was very weak), he told me to talk to her and pet her (we were still at the vet while this was happening), that it would help her cling to life, and it did, she recovered completely. Myself I got very sick when I was 20 year old, and it is the love of others, the fact that they cared whether I lived or died, that made me want to live.

Yes she is judging their feelings, hence the sentence "they don't get that no life form lives forever" (of course they do know that no life form lives forever). And nothing will help you cling to life as much as the love others have for you (at least its been my experience). Maybe there is no hope for the dog, but to the least he/she will know that she/he was loved and that people cared for her/him.

P.S. Another of my dogs, who died about 8 years ago, clung to life until I got up in the morning to say a last goodbye and he died in my arms.

"They don't get that no life form lives forever" does not translate to "they are lesser because they don't get that no life form lives forever." Rather it shows that she doesn't understand their behaviour. One which perplexes me as well.


I would think the animal would be distressed by the sadness of it's owners rather than comforted.


I've had plenty of pets die - some I euthanized, some I found dead. Yeah it sucks. But a lack of outward demonstration of grief is not the same as a lack of grief.

This thread has made me sad. You can look at the big picture here or just at one part of it. Most people seem to prefer just one part of it, the OP's attitude to the situation, which obviously seems ok to most respondents. I have serious doubts, especially given comments about the OP's relationship to the dog in another thread some time ago. Sorry, majority, you don't convince me. Sorry OP, but that's how it is from my perspective.

I never said that it was, I have no idea whether she actually loved the dog or not, and/or feels sad or not.

I disagree. It shows that she is judging their feelings because she assumes that "they don't get that no life form lives forever" and that their feelings is due to not understanding this (i.e. if they understood they wouldn't be distressed). I understand this, like everyone else, and I am still devastated every time one of my dogs or cats dies.



Obviously I disagree. Most dogs are protective of their "parents", and dying is difficult for them to begin with (not only for themselves, but knowing they have to leave the ones they care about, same as most humans). Also as I explained in a previous message, the fact that I loved her and cared whether she lived or died helped one of my cats survive. There is a balance in this tho, there is a point when a person might be ok with the idea of dying (like after a long illness) and might ask their family to accept it. But before this point, and especially when there is still hope, its good to know that there is people who care about you and hope that you will live.

Last edited by Shadi2 on 01 Nov 2014, 6:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have lost several pets over the years, most of them did not live to old age but were killed in accidents or by other animals. I'm no stranger to the tears and grief and when people say it's not normal because it's not a human that's just stupid. When my grandmother died a few years ago I was accepting of it because she was old and had been frail for a very long time. I was more worried about my dad (she was my father's mother), especially during the first holidays without her, but he handled it well. But as a kid I cried all night long because my mother decided to wait until bedtime to tell me our dog was killed by a car, and she even sent me to school while in that state. A year or so later she got me a puppy, and then about a month later the puppy was killed by another driver - on the first day of summer vacation! I cried for days and never really got over it. What kind of a god lets an 11-year-old girl's puppy who was just a baby and did nothing wrong get bloodily run over? No god I want to know.

I have two cats now. Sometimes I worry that when their times come I won't be that grief-stricken like when my grandmother died, and feel like a cold, emotional jerk, and that I will have to exaggerate my feelings so people won't think I'm a sociopath.

Whatever their feeling is due to is irrelevant. The point is that they are putting their feelings above the care of their pet.

That's fine, but why can't they comfort the pet while they are taking it to be euthanized instead of watching the dog suffer?