Mind games

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For now, you need your energy to provide good self-care while you de-stress and regain some emotional and psychological energy to formulate solutions, not deal with conflict here.

Misery, I can see your point of view but it is just heaping more stress on Dianthus who has made it clear that just for now, she is stressed out and needs support, not conflict. I know you meant well, but it isn't working out for Dianthus..

Dianthus, make good choices for you. Maybe that's as simple as a good cry right now, and sometimes that's exactly what we need to do to release some of the accumulated stress. Treat yourself with as much kindness as possible; dwell on your strengths, not your weaknesses, and give yourself credit for coping as well as you are, in the circumstances. This too will pass. There may be quite a few chapters to go before it does, but it will, and I know you have a lot of hidden strength, perhaps much more than you know. Don't get sidetracked by the conflict, though I know that isn't always easy.

Intense physical exercise has been working well for me as a healthy coping mechanism.

Yes, many find that helpful. For me, nature is the major de-stressor - watching the herons near the seashore where I live, surrounded by a mass of green trees and the movement of the waves on the sea. Just being there is like a form of meditation. There are so many different ways that work for different people, and different circumstances. Not that more exercise would do me any harm... however I am not and have never really been the exerciser type! (Except for brain cells lol..)

Here's a great example of the kind of advice I was talking about in the OP:

This kind of thinking assumes that the reason a person can be manipulated is something they can change or control...and it also assumes that the reason is something psychological or emotional in nature.

But what if it's something else? something neurological that makes one vulnerable to manipulation? A fundamental difference in the way we process language or other forms of communication? Theory of mind deficits? Memory problems? etc.

It seems to be really well-understood and accepted that certain groups are more vulnerable to manipulation...for instance, people with low IQ or other obvious mental impairments. Children. The elderly.

When an 85 year old man is taken in by a telephone scam, do people tell him he needs to find the real issue in himself, deal with feelings of inadequacy, etc. as in the above quote? Wouldn't that be absurd?

That quote is a bit too much blaming-the-victim and "make the victim take responsibility for change" for me to stomach, sorry.

Just healing from often vicious and manipulative narc attacks is a heavy load for their innocent victims, and adding responsibility for the attack on top of the victims only re-traumatises them.

PS: Warning to victims: which ^ is exactly what narcs want to happen, of course. They love power and control and to weaken someone so they become a better victim to feed off for their narcissistic supply.

Sometimes you just can't win. I struggle with communicating too - it takes a certain fluidity because you never know what the other person is going to say. And the conversation can fly off in any direction at any time.


I think you should look for a new job. That sounds horrible.


I'm struggling with that too. Right now I'm working as a cleaner. It's not that bad.



I think you're on to something here. I can either stick with what I had worked out that I was going to say, or I can become completely sucked up by the other person's train of thought. When this happens it's very bewildering.


And KK, I too have sometimes felt your responses to my posts have been "invalidating." That's how they make me feel anyway. With regard to your intentions which, I cannot know, I have concluded that you are attempting to make me feel better. But sometimes this can feel dismissive. Anyway, I do enjoy our banter and I think you contribute to the forum.

Perhaps you should have this thread moved to the Haven. You can't ask for advice, and then censor or rant about whatever you don't want to hear.

Correction: Obviously you can, but it isn't going to get you far. Validation isn't the same as the need to be "right" no matter what.

Yes. Well narcissistic abuse is essentially designed to keep the person constantly doubting and second-guessing themselves and looking for something to change in themselves. So comments like that just feed into it. I was really caught off guard by it when I came across that article. But then I realized it's actually an example of exactly what I was talking about here.

I'm realizing that the company I work for has very a narcissistic culture. I don't think my managers are actual narcissists, but when they spout off the things they've been told to say (company philosophy, values, etc.) it sounds as if they are. The rhetoric they use just makes my head spin. Talking to HR is even worse.



I am. It's just a matter of time.