Getting Deliberately Bad Service in Restaurants

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A quick update for all of you. Apparently, I'm now getting great service even in trendy bars. Whatever I'm doing right, I'm glad I'm doing it.

On New Year's Eve, me and my friends went to a bar. It's pretty well-known in my area, but relatively divey-looking inside; just the way I like it. My table was getting lightning-fast service, even though the bar was crowded. Cocktail waitresses were bringing our drinks and snacks within minutes, and had beaming, light-up-the-room smiles on their faces. (Then again, I probably did too.) Two of them, both no older than 25, saw that I was single, and offered to have my picture taken with them. I happily agreed, of course. They got me into a sexy pose, where they were kinda of hanging off my shoulders, like Jane off of Tarzan. After I showed them the picture on my smartphone, they jokingly said: "Now you can be our advertiser!". (Another single guy in our group didn't get the same level of attention, despite being better-dressed, and the rest of the people were couples.)

Of course, it could all be easily explained by one thing: I had sex 10 days prior, and the post-coital euphoria was really hitting me. These waitresses picked up on it, and responded in kind. Obviously, they weren't going to have sex with me, but they'd never do that picture if they thought I was creepy. Which also explains why I always got horrible service when I was in my early 20's: I was a virgin, and it showed.

So you're saying that people can pick up on the fact that you had sex over a week ago, and that it affects the service you receive? I'm fairly skeptical about that.

No reason why not. I was in a trendy, independent bar. Servers there have plenty of leeway in how to interact with their customers, which can go both directions. Unlike when I was a 22-year-old virgin, I looked and acted like a stud (alpha male) this New Year's Eve, due to the simple fact that I've been with a woman recently. They picked up on that, and treated me accordingly, because women are naturally attracted to alpha males. If I went there at my age 22, they'd probably collude with a bouncer to get me kicked out under the pretext of "harassing them".

I guess I just can't comprehend the idea that people would be able to sense that. I suppose it's an innate NT ability. How did you act in order to appear that way?

I think this just means that you were thinking a lot about that first sexual experience and these thoughts were articulating themselves in other experiences as well, especially those involving women.

It's an innate NT ability indeed; it's more advanced in women than in men. They do it by reading body language, facial expressions, and people's eyes. With eyes especially, the positioning of eyelids and facial muscles around the eyes by even 1/10th of a millimeter can make a difference between "kind of an oddball but cool" and "f'king creep!". I learned how to emulate the correct way, but it took decades of trial and error.

I suppose it's a sign of the times: I don't know how I acted. Much like NTs don't know. I just did what was coming naturally to me that night, and took the happy-go-lucky behavior to the extreme. Only to get not only awesome service, but also heavy flirting, from waitresses who would have had me kicked out of the bar 10 years prior.

One thing for sure: I never want to go back to the way I was in the past. Getting bad service just because you're not cool enough or not attractive enough feels pretty insulting.

I still find the idea of people having issues like this interesting because it rarely happens to me. Aside from the occasional item we ordered being forgotten, which has happened only a couple times and never at the same place twice, any other "service" issues my family has had at restaurants has been due to things beyond our server's control. My dad always tips well wherever we go. Then again, it may just be another thing about the South that generally just doesn't happen elsewhere. I really can't tell.

It doesn't seem to happen to me, but I don't usually go to restaurants unless I'm socially compelled to. Why spend money only to give someone the chance to mess with your food?

It might be because you're a woman. (Your profile gender says "female".) Men's public behavior is held to much higher standards than women's. At least for things like having the "right" facial expressions and body language, rather than things like scratching and adjusting yourself in public. It's not you; it's the damn society. Plus, in the South, the culture dictates being nice to someone's face, even if you later trash them behind their back.

But anyway, for things like smiling "incorrectly", looking for too long and/or too intently, not getting the server's attention assertively enough, getting their attention too aggressively, etc., women have more leeway than men do. Due to the whole "being perceived as a threat" thing. The actions I listed are also beta male behaviors. Therefore, servers, both men and women, are more likely mistreat someone who acts like a beta male.

Also, I looked over the pictures from New Year's Eve. I swear, the smile on my face there looks just like the one in the pictures from 10 years ago. But the difference in the service I got is like night and day. Maybe my eyelids or lips were off by just millimeters back then, causing people to react badly. I'm more tune with NT society now than I ever was at any point in my life, but I still don't understand how just millimeters of facial movements make so much difference.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 09 Jan 2016, 10:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

I have to disagree with your assertion that, specifically:

I think women are held to a higher standard regarding their facial expressions and body language. As a woman I feel almost obliged to smile and have actually been criticized over the years by people I don't even know for not doing so.

Also, having worked in customer service, I can tell you, women can be just as threatening as men if they're riled.

Thing is, I really don't look like I'm on the spectrum and I'm also really self-concious about my behavior around other people. So while I do stare sometimes, I usually do so either at a wall or a window so people won't get the wrong idea. I also rarely go out to places on my own anyways, often being with at least one of my parents and/or sisters.

And even if what you say is true, I still know tons of people in my area that are really nice. Probably doesn't apply in all areas though, and my mom and sisters have at least experienced some bad service on occasion when I'm not with them. We usually don't go back to such places when that happens. I think my dad just looks like one of those people that you wouldn't want to give bad service to.

I also don't get bad service. I am polite, I be patient, I don't get upset, especially if they make a mistake. I try not to leave a major mess at the table so we will stack our dishes and try and pick up food off the floor our daughter leaves. I don't cause any disruptions or let our kids tap on the table or glasses or on plates or walk around. I also remember to say thank you. Being a good customer means doing all this so you have a good rep for restaurants and keep getting good services and not have my food be fiddled with. Also I tip. I say if this is too much for someone to handle, they shouldn't be eating at sit down restaurants. I don't even take my kids there alone without my husband or parents because it's hard for me to control my son alone. It was easier when he was a baby but at two, that changed because he gets bored quickly and he listens to his father better. Even a kid's menu won't keep him occupied long. But I don't eat out often because it would get expensive if we did it all the time.

Only time we ever received bad service was in Keystone, South Dakota at a Jack Daniels restaurant and the cook there was bad and waitress we had, it was beyond her control for when we got our food. But she spent lot of time with us and was very sympathetic and she was very upset with her cook and their service there but I think it was because she thought she wouldn't be getting her tip but it wasn't her fault so we still gave her a good tip. It took us like two hours to get our food and cops got called when my family and relatives complained and then my aunt got very upset and pissed and she made the whole thing worse by going on off at the cook so cops were called. The waitress made a joke about it by telling us they were the Keystone cops and my mom said "The Keystone Kops, the Keystone Kops, Cathy, they are the Keystone Kops" and that cheered her up and she was out of her moment again. This happened the day before my 17th birthday. My uncle even had to talk to the cops when my aunt was going off with them and they threatened to give her a ticket for disturbing the peace and I got scared because I had never seen her act that way. That was when the Keystone Kop joke was made. But that was an interesting experience. But no one was arrested and there were no tickets handed out. I am sure it wasn't the first time they were there because the waitress said they already knew. My dad suspects people have walked out without paying their bill because of bad service so the cook thought we weren't going to pay and that we were just going to walk out so she called the cops once we opened our mouths. I think she was the boss and manager of the place.