Aspie solidarity is a big fat myth

Post Reply New Topic

Oppression Olympics are toxic and an important reason for the lack of Aspie/Autistic solidarity.

Most people would probably see me as high functioning. I have a job, my own house, can drive and live independently, but I certainly don't feel high functioning for much of the time. But because I have those things and I am female I was largely overlooked by the medical community who simply chose to label my problems as depression over and over. Still, at least at the age of fifty three I did finally get a diagnosis although there still isn't much in the way of help. In any case I prefer to leave what little help there is available to those who are even more in need.

In the meantime I still have to cope with the everyday problems of being a woman in a man's world. Some of these intersect with my ASD issues due to stereotypes about gender roles, whilst others are problems faced by all women every day.

I am expected to be socially available in a way that males usually are not. People try to start conversations with me all the time even when I make it obvious that I don't want to talk. I am expected to smile all the time even at random strangers. I am expected to look pretty for the benefit of the male gaze. On all of the forums I have been on I have had to put up with utterly moronic "get back in the kitchen" type comments.

I have been groped by strangers and have had men put their hands inside my jacket to touch my breasts. I have had random men (one who was almost certainly on the spectrum) think it is OK to put their arms round me as if I was their personal property. I have had a man thrust his crotch against the back of my head (whilst I was crouching down doing something important at work) and then invite me to turn around as he had something for me.

I have had a male work colleague think that kissing me without my permission was an appropriate way to wish me a happy new year. I have had men spit at me for taking away men's work from them (I work in a job which was regarded as a male occupation for many years).

I am largely shunned by other women because I don't function in the way they do. I have had only one real friend in my fifty three years of life and only one relationship, which ended long ago.

I could go on. As I said some of these things are the result of being an autistic woman, some are just the sort of things all women have to put up with every day.

Despite outward appearances my life is frankly s**t at times. My apparent high functioning comes at a huge cost in personal resources which some days I just don't have. It's exhausting. I get through by sheer bloody mindedness (it's my only talent), only too aware that my life could go completely tits up any day.

I would love to be able to devote some of my personal resources to helping other people less fortunate than myself, but actually I don't have any resources to spare. In any case I don't have any nuggets of wisdom or advice to pass on. I can't see any answers to many of the issues people on this forum have so I don't say anything. It doesn't mean I don't care or can't sympathise, or that I feel above some other people just because I don't comment. It's just that I can't think of anything helpful to say.

This idea that autistic women have it easier is really wearing a bit thin. As I said, my life is often s**t. Sometimes that's because I am autistic, sometimes it's because I am a woman, sometimes it's a combination of both. I'm not saying that it is necessarily harder for women than it is for men. It is probably just different. But the idea that apparently high functioning women have it easier and can't relate to, or sympathise with, the problems experienced by people elsewhere on the spectrum, both male and female, is both nonsense and frankly offensive.

Honestly 'high functioning' doesn't really bother me. Yes I am married and have kids and work part time but there are other autistic people out there who seem to handle kids better than me and have gone to college and gotten a degree, make more money than me, done lot of stuff I haven't done and have easily gotten a job while it's the opposite for me, made it through school with little help and not drop out, manage to grow up in a dysfunctional environment and still turn out fine. But 'high functioning' still doesn't bother me and I apply it to myself.


There are also none autistic people out there too who also struggle in life due to an impairment they have and they still live on their own and have been married, have kids, have a job. The term high functioning can be applied to anyone of any disorder. I consider my husband high functioning even though he can't work anymore and he didn't get married until he was 34 and I was his first girlfriend ever. I've described other kids from my class room as high functioning from when I was 3-6 years old, then after that there were lot of kids in my class who were lower functioning and my parents finally got me out of that class when I was 8. I was only treated like I was slow and low functioning because of my language delay so everyone assumed I was low functioning until I was tested again. Then they discovered I was profoundly language delayed and they had been holding me back and denying me an education but then they tried to say I didn't need special ed anymore. I remember I had to catch up in my education by going to special ed for like 20 minutes a day and do first grade school work when I was in mainstream full time.

What helps me is if I don't compare myself to others. It works wonders.

saveferris reported himself and I've removed that, however, this kind of posts, which serve as a provocation, is also forbidden by the forum rules:

Aspie Sexism, meanwhile, is alive and kicking. Thanks for helping to keep it alive!

I don't like seeing posters ignored, so I try to contribute something if I can.
This isn't always easy because I'm restricted in a lot of ways because of being on mobile.
Sometimes it's impossible to read posts properly especially if they are lengthy and detailed.
And then I feel I can only post something short before I lose what I've written by the constant freezing logging out.
So I tend to stick to known threads were people will forgive me if I look like an idiot.

With you not being able to get a Job have they offered you anything like social skills classes? I watched Jordan Peterson talking about them and they sounded really beneficial.

I cried the last time I went to the doctors. I was allowed to explain what was wrong with my wrist without being stopped or rushed. I was so shocked at having got to the end of my explanation that my eyes started leaking.

It's quite common to develop feelings for your doctor (not to your extent perhaps, fifasy) or nurse, that's why they are barred from reciprocating. It sounds like your doctor was nice, and while she was seeing you in a different way to how you were seeing her, at least she sounds as if she was worthy of the affection you had for her.