Have you ever felt suicidal in your life?

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Pepe I feel suicidal daily. I'm pretty sure that I live in purgatory and that I must have been a very bad person in my previous life to have ended up here. I have felt this way for decades. At least since I was 10 when I finally concluded there was no God because if there was one, why would he make me go through what he was putting me through for no God could be so mean. I grew up in Children's Aid and thought that is why I had so many issues. NOW I realize that most of my issues are because I'm an Aspie and the CAS (Children's Aid Society) thing just compounded matters. Now I don't understand my guy and he blames me for our communication break down and he can be really mean. I am a nice person and a happy person and a positive person. Or I try to be when I'm not getting sad. Therefore why would I want to be here? I'm just not at the point of taking action. I may never take action. It is what it is. : )

Not quite suicidal, but I'd prefer to have never existed.

have made one active attempt and countless passive attempts. the only thing that keeps me from further, are the knowledge that i'd only have to come back and relive this life in some future existence, and that also, most improbably, there are people who actually seem to NEED me around. so i can't duck out on them.

That sounds similar to what I experienced. It happened when I was listening to music. Nothing particularly special, just a rapper I found really inspiring and humble. One lyric somehow made everything click into place. I had already studied philosophy by myself and I always thought about it intensely and make conclusion. None of that lead to anywhere. I knew answers, and I felt I could help other people, but I always felt like I would always be stuck unless some miracle happened. I was right, but not in the way I thought I would be. That day, I was at my lowest I had ever been, and I was laying in bed listening to music thinking "please, I want to change, how do I change?" I was so tired of being helpless to my depression and suicidal thoughts, and I wanted to change somehow, so I indulged myself into my raw emotions, trying to see what I can find. I wanted to live. So after listening to my thoughts and of musical stories of poverty and depravity, and of respect and honor and love and humility, I hear "Are you gon' live on your knees, or die on your feet?" I knew what it wanted to be, and I knew that I ultimately had control over my fate, and what I choose to do, despite my flaws and anxiety and despite the errs of the world and of people. Maybe if I tried all over, I could learn how to make life tolerable.

That's how it happened. I had my first girlfriend not long after, which set me back but taught me many lessons on how to love people, and the dangers of dependency. I relapsed, but I kept going and I'm still working at myself. I have a lot to learn, and a lot of time to do it.

I'm not surprised how most people with AS have been suicidal at least once in their life.
It's normal in the Aspie community.


I've even been with one that tried to kill himself like two times before I met him. He was already dead and got revived.

Oh yeah me too. I was always blaming my mother for wanting a second child when I was young.

I kind of understood all along that Damon was my parents getting a 'normal' kid instead of a defective one with no receipt.

The same principle applies to "Euthanasia".
Just knowing there is an out is reassuring.

Last edited by Pepe on 01 Aug 2020, 6:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

You know the old saying:

"Life's a biatch,
And then you die."

And if you have rooly bad karma:
"Life's a biatch,
Then you marry one,
And *THEN* you die."

Hypersensitivity... I believe this can be on a different slant as well. Emotional hypersensitivity where to someone who does not have this may just not care about their actions, but an emotional hypersensitive person may be constantly thinking about what one says of does and how it could effect someone else....
This can also make a person more suseptable to suicida thoughts as one is far more often thinking that one has messed up and it worries one.
The good news is recognizing this, so one can then realize that it is ok. Everything is ok. (((Hugs!)))

There have been two chunks of time in my life where I have felt suicidal; the first as a teen following a traumatic event, and the second time was in my early thirties while coming off a medication. Those side effects were brutal. I never did act on it, but the feeling was certainly there.

Sometimes my life just feels like a constant loop of suffering. I'm like if it's going tob e liek this might as well end it, but the people who it'd affect always is what stops me if that makes any sense.

^It does make sense and i'm glad there are folk who care about your wellbeing. I'm sorry you seem to be in a "loop of suffering". Do feel free to talk about it if you wish, on Haven or in a PM. Burdens shared are always better than walking alone, and we have many compassionate folk on here.

Pepe there are good days and bad days. I am reading a new book....The Celestine Prophecy and meditating A LOT. It helps. And knowing that every day is a new day and I can take one day at a time : ) and each day is a new day. What a great philosophy right. Everyone that suffers from sadness should remember this. It's like putting one foot in front of the other. : )

I've felt the same for over a year, when I got a job in the area I grew up in. Growing up with my family was extremely traumatic for me, and being in those surroundings just brought back all of it. Psychological abuse by my mum and sister, bullies at school, the feeling of being a freak. And the feeling of "this is never going to change, there's nothing I can do about it". That last feeling may be because I hail from a conservative catholic area, where people still believe in original sin, your life is doomed, there's nothing you can improve or change etc. I also still felt some responsibility not to end it because of the effect it would have on the people I love. My girlfriend, my two best friends, my therapist and the suicide hotline pulled me through it. Without any of those four factors, I doubt I'd be alive today.

I've moved now, and I really have the feeling I got out of prison. I'm still coping with my depression, but I'm no longer suicidal. I don't know about your support network, or whether you're seeing a therapist, but it was a great help for me. However, the game-changer for me was moving out of the toxic environment I was in. I hated moving and having to deal with a change in my routine, dealing with new surroundings, a new language (moved from Holland to Germany), but for me, it was worth it. I don't know your situation, but if it is at all possible, a new environment might work wonders if you associate your current environment with a lot of negative feelings like I did.

I am surprisingly emotionally resilient.
I have had to contend with a couple of unfortunate circumstances, lately, but have shrugged them off quite easily.
I think, in part, it might be:
"Every day you don't die of the coronavirus is a good day.
Seriously.