Treatment of High Functioning Vs Lower Functioning on W.P

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Human languages are ambiguous, context makes difference, there are always things not told because they seem so obvious to the speaker that they didn't even think of saying them... Let's face it, we're horribly prone to miscommunications even when we literally mean what we say and say what we mean.

Then why does "The Benefit of the Doubt" seem to be lacking in actions taken against myself and other members?

Because we're not perfect. Sorry

I feel like it gives some people hope when you say how you met your spouse. For example, most people (Aspie or not) seem to think that going to clubs and bars is the only way to meet a girlfriend or a boyfriend, so it's nice to be able to prove that wrong by saying that I met my boyfriend on a bus. But I don't mean everyone should get on buses to meet the love of their lives, as it's more like a fluke than anything else. But the hidden meaning behind ''I met my boyfriend on a bus'' is ''you don't need to go to clubs and bars to find a boyfriend/girlfriend''. In fact, unless you are really extroverted and naturally enjoy the clubbing experience, clubs and bars are the most futile places to look for a boyfriend/girlfriend, and that even applies to some NTs too.

I'm hoping to make a code for it better known:
If someone posts in The Haven, they wants emotional support and acknowledgement.
Outside of The Haven, discussion is welcome or at least acceptable.

Had I known this from the start, a lot of conflict and heartache would have been avoided.

I didn't realize btnrr was a low functioning member?

I remember her saying she scored 99% in the percentile aspie range.

That's where I'd place myself-moderate functioning., although, like you, diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I've never been employed,. I have family and stepfamily-but no friends. I've lived on my own since my wife died, but at my last address ,with very little support, it was not a healthy independence. Not that I saw that at the time.

I do better now because I'm getting 1st rate support from my stepdaughter , and am under a much less judgemental mental health trust.


I read the posts of what I would call 'high fliers' and the gulf between them and me is more than a little wide.

I feel like a lot is going over my head. Sometimes it seems like there may be sides/factions that I'm supposed to be aware of, but it's too cryptic for me to understand. It makes it hard to know if people are saying stuff with hidden meanings, and therefore I could be agreeing with the words without understanding the implications. It's hard to know who to trust.

I notice people being dismissive and saying things that seem (covertly?) mean, but I have trouble knowing how this fits into the rules. If something feels mean but it's not an obvious, others will say you're wrong. I think some people are very adept at knowing how to technically follow the rules, while still being vindictive it intentionally stirring up trouble. I don't know how this is resolved. It feels like an impossible hurdle .

I don't know how I fit into all of these boxes. I can usually relate to people on all areas of the spectrum. I try to observe and ask questions to understand posters. I'm not very good at knowing what to say to people in distress, so tend to hope someone good with those situations will respond. I try use clear language and avoid language that suggests there is only one approach, or that there is a definite solution.

I try to think of when I've posted in distress and the types of responses that were or weren't helpful. This makes me question my words even more, because my experiences often resulted in feeling more exhausted by having to communicate with the responders. For this reason, I wonder if it's okay to post images I think they may find comforting. But I worry it might be taken the wrong way, so I'll wait for someone else who knows what to say.

I think I've trailed off..

To me it's best to just remember that each of us is different. Sweeping generalizations are never helpful. We should aim to be considerate of others and accept them when they say "nothing is working for me" instead of dictating that if they followed our path that all will be resolved.

Ideas:
It may be helpful if we had a guide on what language contributes to dismissive statements, so it can be avoided. I've noticed there are NTs that are dismissive too, it's not just those of us on the spectrum.

What if there was an option in threads to select how you'd prefer people to respond? Options like these:
- Affirmative words only
- Things to make me laugh or that are cute
- Advice
- Encouragement only
- People who can relate
- etc...

If I were in distress it might be hard, or might not occur to me, to vocalize how people can help me, but I wonder if being able to click a box with a brief description could be helpful. Or maybe it would still be hard in that moment?

When I first joined here in 2006, I didn't even know what The Haven was. I thought it was a place to post rants and I didn't know what it really was about. So I have posted stuff there I shouldn't have in the past. I don't think I have made that same mistake as LG.

Being NT I can usually tell when posters are being vindictive, or malicious, or just nasty but are nevertheless adhering to the rules and manipulating them, I also do try and monitor new posters to sift out trolls. I am sometimes over-zealous and over-protective I admit.

I also posted everything in the wrong places when I first joined

Honestly, I have no idea how that works but I did have a friend that was also a member on this forum (we met here) and he admitted to me in IM that he did this and I asked how that even worked and he said he did it very carefully and told me I wouldn't be good at this if I tried. He didn't bother telling me how he did it. But he did it for many years and would get members banned because he would trick them into breaking the rules and eventually one of the former mods caught on and banned him. He was shocked he finally got caught but didn't seem to mind the ban.

There was one other member here that was trying to get me to break the rules and it was clear in what their intentions were and even others here noticed too and told me how pathetic that user is. I guess the only one who would see this is the person who is being baited. But man this person sucked at this too if everyone else saw their intention. But my friend on the other end, I could never see it.

Your friend seems like a very disturbed person.What kind of person would deliberately sabotage a support forum? Now I will be even more mindful of trolls.I think they are deeply disturbed people.
We must be careful who we choose our friendships with, people judge us by our friends behaviour.

Last edited by Teach51 on 29 Sep 2020, 3:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

KingdomofRats (I believe her name was here?) posted a story about an event that happened while she was a member of this forum in another forum. Pretty disgusting what happened, but I'm not going to discuss it here.

She made some great contributions while she was there and I do wonder what happened to her since she left.

I remember one member here told her she wrote too good for someone with a low IQ and she took it as her low intelligence being questioned. I am sure most people would have taken it as a compliment and even I saw it that way. That she wrote very well for someone with it but she took it as an attack and as herself being doubted here. I don't think that is what that user meant but she acted like she was being bullied by KOR and told her to leave her alone when KOR talked about it in another thread instead of clarifying what she meant.

It was a shame she left and I still think it was all a misunderstanding and it lead to hurt feelings. It could have been solved if that user just clarified what they meant than being defensive and acting like they were being bullied.

True, I call it guilt by association.

Same happens with family members too. But we choose our friends, not our family. I have a friend who disowned his cousin and has disowned several family members because they are too disturbed. He was pretty humiliated when his cousin appeared on COPS and one of his aunts appeared in the local news too. He was also humiliated by that too.