Why are Many with AS so passive and unwilling to fight back?

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Man.. what's with all the hostility here?

When I detect something that *might* be intended as an insult or verbal attack, I usually view it with a sense of humor and either play along with self-deprecating humor, or playfully tease them in return. (because 99% of the time, it is intended as humor, and not truly malicious) I've found this to be the case even with strangers and "tough" looking groups - they're not usually bullies, it's just their way of interacting with others.

With that said, obviously you want to use some common sense and avoid them completely if you detect heavy emotion in their tone of voice or other aggressive mannerisms. If they do persist insulting in a fashion that reveals harmful intent, I tend to simply ignore them at that point. Verbal attacks stopped bothering me around the time I learned about displacement and projection in Psychology class. I feel pity for these people rather than anger. Ignoring them is the best option since there will be less chance of a physical confrontation.

As for physical abuse - honestly, this should rarely occur if you treat others respectfully and stay with a friend or two rather than being all alone (especially at night). Regardless, it's good to be prepared with self defense (martial arts, boxing, etc).. also pepper spray and tasers are usually legal, and can stun muggers and allow easy escape. The best prevention is simply knowing how to interact in different situations.. for example - avoiding bad neighborhoods, illegal activities, avoiding too much alcohol in certain social situations (if you're the type who becomes a jerk )

Truthfully though, I've found that learning to leave emotional baggage at the door and not take life too seriously has earned me friends rather than enemies. Kudos to all of you that have stood up for yourselves though, there's nothing wrong with that.

Last edited by Syd on 08 Jan 2008, 12:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

Now there's some advice that's actually worth taking seriously.

Heres a question Syd do you take anything seriously coz people who normally say that end up been the one's who have a hard time taking anything seriously..

Just curious you seem to joke about allot...


* ta syd for below response

Last edited by logitechdog on 08 Jan 2008, 1:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

I take academic subjects and work-related endeavours seriously, I'm loyal to my friends, political causes, etc.. I would say so. I do my best to adapt to the environment I'm in. Ironically, I spend most of my time alone writing poetry and short stories which are serious in nature. I'm also sensitive and have social anxiety. Balance is needed though - that's where a light-hearted personality can help relieve stress. I try to counter social anxiety, depression, and other negative feelings by releasing my grasp on ego, accepting that which I can't change, and embracing humor when I can.

I agree with Syd that trying to use humor is often the best bet (although I'd use
'humour' as I'm not in the US) . One way of getting rid of enemies is to turn them
into friends. Or at least confuse them by acting friendly and foiling their plans to upset you.
I realise there are some situations where this might not work,but I'd still try to avoid violence or a 'tit for tat' response.Why sink to their level if you can avoid it ?

Be Confident – You may not be feeling very confident but looking and acting confident are important steps to help to stop a bully.
Walk Away – Walking away takes the fun out for the bully. Walk away with your head high and your shoulders back. You are giving the bully the message that the bully is not getting to you.
Ignore – Acting like you do not notice and giving no reaction to the bully takes the power away from the bully.
Avoid – If you are not there, the bully can’t get to you. Keeping a safe distance can be a smart way to stay bully-free.
Be Assertive – Stay calm and look the bully in the eye, use an important voice and use your words by telling the bully to stop. Examples are "stop it" or "leave me alone."
Find Allies – Friends can support you and help you handle your problems. Talk to your friends. Stick together, there is power in numbers. Offer to do the same for a friend when they are having trouble with a bully.
Do Something Unexpected or Kind – Bullies expect you to get upset or angry. Showing kindness or using humor tells the bully that you are confident.
Get Help – If you are being bullied, it is very important to go to an adult you trust: parents, teachers, counselors, or NOVA.

They is your one Syd lol

Obviously, you all didn't go to my style school.

Doesn't work. My bullies were the type to give chase, or as was much more often the case, I was in a situation where I couldn't leave (like a class or a bus).


Yeah, so they up the ante; instead of just talking badly about you, they throw things at you and threaten you with violence. Or they lay in wait to the point where you have almost forgotten about them, and then they step out of the shadows and beat you to a pulp.


If you're in class with them or ride a bus every day, none of that works. Especially if your bully has become fixated on you and starts stalking you.


Which they answer with laughter and then hit you. Or mimic you and hit you.


When you are the outcast of the school, there is no one willing to support you or help you. There is also no way to stick together if you and your friend are in separate classes.


It tells them that you are a wimp and cannot stand up for yourself.


There was either no one who would:

A. Believe me.
B. Do anything about it.
C. Do anything about it that would get them AND keep me safe.
D. Not find a way to blame me about it in some way and leave them scott-free.
E. Not get us both in trouble.

or if you went to someone, then that bully made you very sorry indeed.



If you're in school with them, there just "ain't no way."


That works about 30% of the time. Otherwise, they just keep raising the level of their abuse until either their actions are requiring stitches or else they are destroying everything you own. A lot of them tended to be in positions of social power and could get other people against you too. So then it turns into a battle every single minute of every single day. At any moment at any time, you have to be on guard, expecting someone from some direction to either insult you, kick you, trip you, push you, put gum in your hair, spit on you, hit you, laugh, not let you pass, steal something from you, get you in trouble with the teachers, destroy your possessions - your homework, your backpack, your school instrument, your shoes, your hair, your coat, your writing utensils, your inhaler, you name it, they've got it - choke you, throw you down the stairs, start a really cruel rumor about you, throw spitballs at you, piss on you, slam your face into the lockers, break your glasses, pull the chair out from under you, hide your possessions, put some kind of nasty something on you, put a bee down your shirt, put the dead kittens found in the anatomy class in your coat pockets when you're not watching, death threats . . . shall I go on?



Not true. I almost always got picked on when I was doing absolutely nothing to the other person. I always treated others respectfully and no one ever treated me respectfully, so there you go. As for a friend or two, as mentioned before, when you're the outcast of the school, you don't HAVE any friends. The school counselor threatened to call my mom and tell her I was suicidal once even when I wasn't just because she wanted to get me in trouble; she thought it'd be a big joke.



It's hard to keep things from being too serious when they throw glass at you or some kid three times your size slams your head into a locker and threatens you with death, and just to make sure you believe him, he shows you the hunting knife he has hidden in his pants and makes slicing motions near your neck.

I won't pretend that there's always reasonable solutions available, we're only humans after all. What I mentioned mostly applied to milder situations involving teasing, but wouldn't much help those in rougher situations. I'd like to see a society which focuses more on improving social environments, school systems, parenting, encouraging government to develop better alternatives in education, testing, funding schools which cater to the individuals rather than attempting to group everyone together and expecting all types to coexist peacefully. I won't get into it all here, but I definitely believe great social change is needed in regards to public education. My experiences were pretty awful as well, though not nearly as unpleasant as what you've described.

I will say that I'm sorry you had to suffer through that, and the reality is that many others are probably facing similar (or worse) injustices than what you've elaborated on here. Had I been there when these incidents occurred, I would've tried to fight back against the bullies. Standing up against that kind of behavior is the right thing to do - I want to be clear on that position. It angers me when I see that, and even though I avoid violence when possible - I'll honestly admit that it feels great to fight back in order to protect the innocent. However, it doesn't always end well. As you've said, they often come back in groups, seek revenge, and many wouldn't hesitate to carry concealed weapons. Part of the reason I've taken up boxing (recreationally, not competitively) is because I still have a fear of finding myself in a bad situation, and want to be at least somewhat prepared. Still I can't help but think, what good would fighting do me in a worst-case scenario where I'm confronted by a hostile group with weapons?

Personally I would've rather been home-schooled as a child. I don't want to bring this thread off topic or anything, I just wanted to say I understand what you're saying. Hopefully life is better for you these days. I've never been much of a social person either, and leaving high school was one of the greatest joys for me. I prefer being alone over most social groups to this day. During times when I have no choice, I just have to make the best of it. I'm still here today, so I must be doing something right.

Yeah, I'm better now. My therapist thinks that it's probable that I have complex PTSD too. Complex PTSD differentiates itself from regular PTSD in the way in which it occurs. Regular PTSD tends to be one primary horrific event; complex is a series of events. You can see why he thinks that.

As for fighting in high school, first of all, I'm a girl. Number 2, I was and am still to this day (got my undergrad in instrumental music ed and am working on a masters in music therapy), a major band geek. Our band director's main rule considering fighting was that he better see the front of our shirt/uniform coming towards him if there was a fight in the school/area. It meant being suspended from band indefinitely if you got caught fighting. Number 3, I wasn't too strong in high school, mostly because of the fact that I couldn't keep on much weight thanks to my IBS that got worse with stress/anxiety. My senior year in high school I dropped to 120 pounds (at 5'5", which isn't horrible, but I'm not one of those naturally uber skinny people either). Just for comparison, I hang out around 150 pounds now, a fourth more than what I weighed then (if I've done the math right, probably not though). And I have some muscle now and am not fat in any way.

I've never been able to run fast either, then or now. My hands are abnormally small as well; about the size of a 3rd grader's. To top that off, I'm extremely uncoordinated, and if I were in school now, I'd probably be dxed with dysgraphia. So I could barely get down the hall on a good day, let alone take someone on. Add in the fact that almost all of my main bullies were the school's golden children; so if I ever did get in a fight, no one would have taken up for me. Generally, the act of suspending the school's star quarterback during a winning football season is frowned upon.

Oh and I also agree that the public school system is in much need of a revamp.

I have trouble showing strong emotions in front of other people which includes the amount of anger it would take to become hostile. Even though I shouldn't I find displaying strong emotions in front of other people to be humiliating.

Of course I'd defend myself from phsyical assault but anything else I would just shrug off like I didn't care.

I'm like this too. I'm pretty pacificistic and I promote everybody just chilling out and getting along, so I try not to cause ripples or talk s**t. Unfortunatly, some people are ret*d. And looking at some of these posts, it looks like people are ret*d all over the world. This has been a controversy among scientists for generations, what makes people so f****n stupid. Well, when I was a kid, my momma always told me that there was always a root to the cause, if someone makes fun of you, they probably insecure about something that has to do with themselves. They are uncomfortable in their own skin and they must feel like they're at a higher level then you by trying to knock you down with attacks. I always tend to ignore words, but unfortuntly, society seems to think that this method is weak. And sometimes, when something bugs me, I don't realize that it pissed me off until later, and when later comes, I realize that I should have said somethin, and no I wouldn't have just been whinning had I said what I felt. There were occasions when I didnt say certain things to my ex girlfriends that I should have in fear of looking like a jealous ass, but now it's to late. It'sjust a good thing I said something, if not everything I wanted to. But going back to my point, at the time, when I was little and I learned that the reason why people pick on others was becuse of a low self esteem, I was like "huh? that can't be". But now, I'm grownup, and I hang out with all types of people, including those who might have been total dicks in their adolescence to kids like me who acted in an unfamiliar manner, and it really is true, so many people have issues we do not know about, especially those who talk s**t. And if all it is is words, remember, they're stupid for waisting their breath, although a warm friendly middle finger just might be what's in store for them. But if you don't feel like they're worth raising your middle finger over, just remember, when the world will be extinct, our flesh will rot together. And these people don't realize this until their old and they work as counselors who punish both the bully and the bullied. So that's what they get for having the mind of a failure, they have to work with s**thead kids in their old age.

Oh. I didn't mean to imply that you should have fought back, crazyhorn. I meant that I would likely have defended you myself had I been there. (I was of the nerd/geek crowd myself, and we ought to stick up for each other right?) Odd to think that I actually was threatened quite a few times but have never been in a serious fight since about the age of 10. (was with my best friend! .. long story, but we reconciled our differences again afterwards)

Music therapy eh? I actually considered music composition when I was younger, I still occasionally play piano in my spare time. I'm poor at reading sheet music though, I generally just try to play songs by ear or create my own. One of these days I'd like to learn some Bach. It must've been hard to deal with the coordination problems you mentioned. Most guys in school were bigger than I was, but the one advantage I always had was speed. In fact, as a youngster I once had dreams of being in the Olympics, and competed seriously as a runner even before high school. There was a time (age 15) where I was in the top 10% of high school runners in the state, I was lined up for a scholarship and everything. But life changes, I got injured junior year, dropped out of school senior year and took a much needed break.

But let's save my life story for another time (or another life time) and get back on topic, as I don't want to put everyone to sleep before their bedtime. Bullying. I understand what you're saying Leo, I think most of us here with AS (or NLD in my case) are pacifists in the heat of an unexpected situation, perhaps because we're a bit disconnected from social situations already and either feel little emotion or don't react as quickly as others. We may internalize our aggression at times - but of course there are ways to release this energy that don't involve hurting others.

Personally, I've not only found positive releases (sports, humor, art, etc.) but have learned to accept emotional and physical pain in ways I was unable to when I was younger. I even seem to enjoy pain to some extent. How? There's no easy way to teach such a skill, but I can at least offer a (poor) analogy. When a tragedy occurs in life, I can choose to see the injustice as a defeat - or I can see it as a challenge. As awful as it is, pain is an incredible feeling. Why should I not enjoy being human, and not be grateful to be able to feel something as powerful as pain? I know what I've said probably doesn't make sense to some people, nor do I expect this to help anyone in situations far worse than my own - it was just necessary for me to explain my personal perspective a bit. I focus on learning to want what I get, rather than trying to get what I want. The spontaneity of life is what excites me, I see it as a challenge, an adventure, and not as a prison sentence. The analogy could be that life (like liquor) is an acquired taste.

Speaking of prison and criminals - I classify bullies as young criminals. This is where it all begins, in childhood. In the "nurture vs. nature" debate, I believe both environment and genetic factors may be responsible, but given that our society has more control over the environmental aspects, it's where our focus must be if we expect change. We should be attacking crime at its roots - unhealthy social environments. I believe an irresponsible society breeds crime, I don't believe in "natural born killers" (at least not as portrayed by fundamentalists who support the electric chair) rather - though I suspect that some genetic conditions may predispose a human being to be more prone to criminal thinking, but only if combined with an unhealthy social environment in childhood. I'm against the death penalty. I feel we should be studying criminals rather than destroying them for the purposes of "revenge". Killing a man does not bring back the victims of his crimes, it only destroys the chance for scientists and criminologists to learn something positive from him that could help prevent similar criminals from being bred in our society in the future.

When humanity gains further understanding of how criminals develop, we'll have greater resources for developing a healthier society - one which emphasizes compassion, systems thinking, unity, over the traditional ideas of greed, competition, segregation. Wait, am I being too idealistic? Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves here, I'm not looking for a utopia, these are simply a few rough concepts to strive for rather than obtain absolutely. Some may be quick to point out that these terms are incompatible with capitalism and globalization, but let's save that discussion for another thread. Bottom line is this.. for starters, would it be reasonable to expect our society to allocate some of the tremendous military and defense spending towards the areas of science, education, and health? When you look at the percentages, it's hard not to think otherwise.

U.S. ranks pretty poorly against many European countries in terms of health care, education, and quality of living in general. Some would argue that any nation of this population size (regardless of political system) will suffer under the collective burdens of human nature, and that improving some areas will only lead to decline in others. That's certainly open to debate, but to tie this all in with bullying and violence once again - there is no doubt (imo) that destructive behavior (even in minor forms) is the direct result of childhood abuse. Could we perhaps get out of the mentality that spending more money on police and filling up our prisons with more offenders is going to be an ultimate solution? It's a bit like brushing garbage into the closet, when the real problem is littering. Until humanity is ready to address these injustices seriously, bullying and crime will remain, and others will have to live in fear. People are my greatest fear - it's the reason why I'd rather live in a place like Vermont than central Baltimore, for example. (I don't know how my sister can stand it there)

Fighting is important . At least in country Australian blokes. A lot of social acceptance in guys knowing that you can "physically have their back".

But fighting Whether physically or online, there are some "rules" that I respect and adhere to that have generally worked for me.

I honestly can't see a big problem. I believe the harder you hit someone the more unlikely they are to get up. Hitting someone where and when they are vulnerable helps to put them down quicker and more efficiently. The longer and more determinedly you fight the less likely the opponent is to keep coming back at you. I see nothing wrong with fighting like this.

....unless of course you are in the wrong in which case you apologise unreservedly and accept their ire with humility.

I don't have a problem with fronting anyone.
Respect is earned and not a position of "power". Everyone is accountable for their actions.

I may be a fighter, and I may be melodromatic at times, but I am not a liar.