Female Aspies? a different presentation?

Post Reply New Topic

Millie, I just went back to the beginning of this thread, and it occurs to me to ask: Have you read "Women from Another Planet?" It's written by a group of women, one of whom edited the book. I think it's awesome. I'm learning so much about AS and women by reading it.

Regarding something mentioned earlier about friendships:

When I was a kid, I would latch on to whoever would tolerate me as a friend.
There were a few categories that these would fall under:

Girls who were sorta domineering, and like having someone they could belittle and boss around because it made them seem bigger

Girls who were ever quieter and more wallflowery than myself. Often times they had blood curdling family issues that they were dealing with..abusive parents and whatnot

Girls who were more intelligent than I was, and too kind and patient to shun me.

and

Girls who did not speak English as a first language.

why of course gary...i started it!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

i haven't nesh. i will order it. There's a cool autistic bookstore up in brisbane and i can order it online. i think it would be good for me. we are a bit different from the blokes (males in aussie lingo) i believe...which is of course a fine and dandy thing.
thank you for giving me a jolt with it. i noticed you mentioned it on your blog and i have been meaning to order it but have been busy with other stuff.

I was gonna say that, but I thought I'd give you the honors!

Hey, we´re women, we´re just interesting....what can I say?

This has also been one of my favorite threads.

As for Friendships, I used to latch onto people too (or they'd latch onto me if they needed help).

I often found myself amongst a lot of “Miscellaneous People”, both males and females, not that that was ever a bad thing of course. Many of them were really nice people.

Actually looking back on it all, I’m amazed at the sheer variety of people that I spoke to.

Being socially naïve also must have made me socially fearless and oblivious. I must have taken a lot of social risks without even realising it. I sometimes wonder where "social tolerance" ends and "social cluelessness" begins.

As a result of my “social cluelessness” I probably got to meet a greater variety of people than most people do during their lifetimes.

I was often asked to mentor random people if they needed help academically. I also helped others one at a time and given them practical advice/help in exchange for friendship. I’ve been doing this since I was very young.


The Miscellaneous People I knew were:

People who didn’t speak English as a first language.

People didn’t understand assignments/had academic issues

People from the local American Air-base.

People from other cultures/different customs/different ethnicities

Swots/Geeks/Gamers

Class Clowns/people not paying attention in class

People who looked lonely/lost/shy/had no partner or group to work with

Unidentified at the time dyslexics/dyspraxics/ “LDs”

People who would have been termed “special ed.”, but I honestly couldn’t see they were “different” until someone else informed me

People with health/physical issues/no partner in PE

Artistic types/thespians

Popular go-betweens/henchpeople

Very kind/friendly and highly emotionally literate girls


Actually anyone who needed help or could help me in exchange really.
I really didn't seem to be that fussy about who I befriended, as long as they didn't use me or harass me. I always reported anyone who broke the rules or threatened others.

I probably saw everyone as unique individual because I could only really deal with talking and giving my full attention to one person at a time. In larger groups, I tended to “clam-up” more.

As for school socialising vs academic lessons, I noticed that the teacher always had to quieten down the other students before the lesson began. The teacher would say something like:

"Settle down everyone. Get your brains in gear!"

The thing was, I already had my "brain in gear". I was already silently facing forward looking the board with my equipment all neatly lain out. Because my state of mind was already set to observing the physical environment of the classroom- it was a small step for me to start paying attention and using the analytical part of my brain for lesson tasks.

Almost everyone else seemed to have to "switch off" the social part of their brains before they could do any work. Some of them didn't seem able to "switch off" from socialising and chatted throughout the lesson not getting much work done at all. The cleverer ones did actually manage to chat about the work now and again.

I couldn't chat and do the work at the same time though. This is why I almost always sat alone. I wasn't being anti-social (I got on well with most of the people in my classes), I just couldn't have concentrated on the work with someone sitting next to me chatting. It would have been too distracting. This was one of the reasons why I found groupwork so confusing and difficult. I didn't know how to join other people's groups because no-one had ever taught me explicitly how to do this. The fact that I found difficulty finding a group to work in even though I was one of the top students in the class was especially embarrassing. Some of the teachers thought that I was being deliberately difficult, but I was bewildered by it all.

To do group-work, I had to turn what little "social software" I had in my brain "on" and stay on task in "analytical mode". In some groups, it just became too exhausting for me having to switch between the two modes constantly and not be distracted by the physical environment.

Everyone kept asking me if I was lonely sitting on my own. I noticed that none of the other girls sat alone, they always sat in big giggly groups. Perhaps they saw me as unusual. I guess I was lonely, but I think my work would have suffered if I'd been distracted by other people chatting.

Sixteen pages of amazing insights topic

Yes, I read all of this. A sticky would be a good idea.

We do present differently. I was diagnosed at age 46, and now I finally can understand all that I went through, much of it similar to the other posters.

I like the longer posts, with more detail and better explanations. At this point I do not think I could add anything original at present. But I will be checking this thread again.

Thanks.

Back to the Asperger's Syndrome and Girls article referenced:

"In elementary school, these girls often cope by finding one good friend. This friend is often kind and motherly, and her friendship is a lifeline to the girls with Asperger's Syndrome. In fact, if she moves away, it has devastating consequences."

I wonder if there’s a kind of Ying and Yang type relationship going on between AS and “Agony Aunt” motherly type girls here?

I believe that the character traits in one girl compliment and assist the character traits in other. I think it can work both ways.

I don't think that it is always has to be a one way relationship like the article seems to imply. I believe that sometimes the AS girl, if given the chance, can help out the “Agony Aunt” girl too!

If AS girl has a strong academic, artistic or science orientation she could help the “Agony Aunt Girl” with finding information on assignments/specific topic of interest.

In exchange, the “Agony Aunt Girl” could comfort the AS girl emotionally when things got tough and with making friends.

So, very generally the personality profiles are:


AS Girl
High Intrapersonal Intelligence (High Self awareness)
Low Interpersonal Intelligence (Low Social awareness)

Socially inward looking
Focus on self inrospection and the physical environment

High systematic intelligence/ability/eye for detail


“Agony Aunt” Girl
Low Intrapersonal Intelligence (Low Self awareness)
High Interpersonal Intelligence (High Social awareness)

Socially outward looking
Focus on people and social relationships

High emotional intelligence/ability


These personality profiles and character traits seem to be direct opposites of each other and can therefore compliment each other (if given the right environment and support).

That’s just my take on the whole thing from my own personal experience.
Other people's experiences may be different.

There can be a complementary relationship between those who are introverted and extroverted. One girl who latched onto me for a few months (before leaving the school) was also treated as a bit of an outcast, but was extroverted. She would take the initiative in getting me involved in activities. I remember her also being protective: There was a boy who used to regularly tease and harrass me. For some reason, I never felt any anger when he did this. He just didn't get to me. However, when the girl who liked me eventually witnessed him doing it, she became so enraged that she lunged at him in class and started throttling him. She did not get into as much trouble as she would have because she told them he had been bullying me.

The complimentary relationship dynamics between the AS girl and non-AS girl described in "Asperger's Syndrome and Girls" do sound rather like the relationship between the witches in the "Wicked" prequels to "The Wizard of Oz" (the books and the musical). I haven't seen or read any of the series yet, I'm just going on what other people have told me. The main theme seems to be:

Misunderstood vs Popular Girl dynamics.

Just a casual observation.


Opposing, but complimentary skills and viewpoints.

AS Girl: strong "Folk Physics"

Non AS Girl: strong "Folk Psychology"


It wouldn't surprise me if these kinds of complimentary relationships between women have been going on for centuries.

Funny, but this doesn´t describe my relationships with women at all. The so-called "popular", social girls usually had no interest in me, nor I in them. They were usually quite mean to me. Most of my friends- when I had friends- were slightly "different" themselves, either creative, artsy types like me, or "geeky" kids...(but the only geeks who seemed to like me were geeks who had a touch of craziness about them. Conventional types and I never really got along in school).

I only once had a friend who was considered "popular", and this was in High School. I met her in the ballet studio, as I was very serious about dancing, and so was she. She had a car, so she would drive me to the studio after school, and there was a break before the dance classes started, so we would hang out together. She was nice, and very funny. The thing is, we never hung out at all in school, only after school was over. She had her group of popular friends in school, and I didn´t fit in. I didn´t feel bad about this at all, either. I don´t like being in uncomfortable atmospheres anyway (the popular kids didn´t like me), I wasn´t even interested in being "social" , and in High School I was sort of the loner kid, by choice. I also had a few acquaintance-type friends that I hung out with a little bit in High School, and these were all people from all different "groups", I think...well, I never really paid attention to that stuff so much anyway.

Although it was clear that this one popular friend of mine was very good socially, and she mentioned many times that she thought I was smarter than she was, we never made any kind of a "trade": I never helped her with schoolwork, nor she I with social stuff. (Well...I guess she did try to set me up with a guy once or twice. Didn´t work). Maybe it was like this because we were friends outside of school, not in school?

Reading this thread has been like seeing my life story written up on the internet. It's spooky to be honest, after being so separate and different to find dozens who are just like me. The familiarity is very foreign but it is very welcome too.

I was also called quiet, conscientious, hard working, polite in school reports. At the end of my first year at high school, our head of year saw each of us individually. She said, "I don't know who you are." I was invisible to the teachers. Sadly not to the bullies, both male and female, who made my life a misery.

I had a very strong sense that I stopped at 12 and everyone else kept going. I was rapidly left behind as the emerging complexity of teenage relationships outstripped my ability to compensate. I was utterly, utterly clueless and bewildered by it all.

I did have a couple of friends and the three of us would go around together at school. I always felt like the third wheel, though, tagging along in their wake. I didn't go out much after school (the relief of getting home was too great) and one of them would call me a hermit to try and get me to come out.

I remember one night we were walking home from school and they gave me a note, just as we got to my house. It was to say I should get and use some deoderant... Personal grooming wasn't a strong point of mine at the time (doing the bare minimum now is still a bit of an effort). I threw it in the bin and ignored it.

I started to hang around with younger people, interestingly I inherited a friend from my younger (NT) sister. But after a while, she too grew-up, got into boys and going out with others and the friendship fizzled out.

I have had girls want to be my friend because they felt sorry for me - it's happened more than once. Also, some had been asked to ask by teachers... I gave up in the end, made a conscious decision to reject any approaches of friendship and I deliberately isolated myself in my mid- to late teens. I didn't want to be patronized any more.

that is so god to hear. that is how it is for me and it is a huge relief as women have always been terrifying to me (because of the bitchy stuff i don;t get and was targeted with in high school.)

at 12 i just found drugs via older brothers and siters (wll i found them ealrier - wine at age 7 and beer) but that seemed the most convenient way to cope with the other girsla t school who thought i was a superbrain weirdo loser.

You know, this thread is still going - it gets bumped up to the top when a new woman or man comes along and wants to read about how it has been for many of us. this for me is an example of teh kind of virtual community and identification i need in my life. and i thinks it represents the true purpose of WP.
Innane threads are fun too.....but i came to WP because i was read to neck myself and the people i knew didn;t seem to have a clue about what i was trying to tell them regarding my life and how i live insdie of myself.

yipppeeeeeeeeeeeee....welcome to the thread.

I agree with you.

It's incredibly spooky.
I have met some girls who were like this too.
That's what's even spookier.

They were brilliant students, but also had difficulties socialising and some were being treated for other issues such as depression. Some has been bullied in the past. Some were quiet. Some looked to me for advice.

This can't be a coincidence.

It concerns me that some girls, apparently brilliant on paper, are catapulted into crowded newfangled learning environments with lots of group-work, and no back-up/support system.

These days, not only do you have to be brilliant academically, but you have to be brilliant socially at the same time.

Some of us just can't keep up and "keep all the plates spinning" at once. None of us are superhuman. Sometimes it's just too much.

Last edited by AmberEyes on 26 Jan 2009, 2:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.