Social Skills Training for Adults

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The good Doctor decided that part of my education should be watching this 1.5 minute video on human interaction. He described the video to me so that I could be prepared to see it. The scenario is set up by a PhD at Harvard University. He used a Mommy and a baby. In the first part of the video the Mommy was interacting with the baby doing all the "right" things with it and the baby responded with happy baby stuff. Then the Mother turned her head for a moment and then back towards the baby and became unresponsive and "cold" towards the baby. The baby responded by melting down. The Doctor felt that if I watched this short video, it might help me to see how humans interact off each other and possibly help me to think a bit more before using "rude" tactics in small talk situations. I told him I was "game" for this and we jumped in....

I think neither of us were ready for what happened next....

The video began (no audio as he wanted to talk me through it). A few seconds in the video, he asks if I saw what the Mother had done. I was a bit shocked because I had not. Even though I KNEW what I was "supposed" to be watching, my attention was on the baby's highly ornate blanket. I asked him to stop and rewind and walk it through more slowly. He did and paused it at a point in the scenario to explain the Mother's expression. He asked me if I saw how she was happy towards the baby. I said that the Mother looked angry to me. He walked me through the angry versus happy face signs. (Okay whew.... I swear it looked like she was going to bite the kid) This continued all the way through the video. It was dreadfully painful. I tried to focus on the faces real-time but was unable to do it especially as he was explaining.

At the end of this 1.5 minute video we both sort of just set back in our chairs a little bit exhausted. I felt like I had seen what he wanted me to see and that I could articulate "in words" what he gained from the video. We were both a bit surprised at how hard it was for me to follow the video.... I then remembered a conversation earlier this week on my ASD page in facebook on meta-cognition and how our views of the world are so vastly different so I challenged the Doctor.....

"Okay Doc..." "So perhaps I fell down on the whole people thing but tell me if you will what pattern was on the baby's sweater?" (I told him to not look at the screen) The Doctor sat back and stated very confidently that the baby had a red sweater with white
stripes. "Wrong" I countered... "The stripes starting at the hand/sleeve where light blue, light yellow, darker yellow, green, light pink and white. The weaving pattern (the way it was knitted) was horizontal for the body of the sweater with thicker opposite patters at the end of the sleeves." I then paused giving him time to look at the video and verify that I was correct. He nodded his head. I then asked him if we should discuss the patterns in the baby's blanket or the texture that was in the plastic of the baby's seat or perhaps the weave that was in the light blue straps that held the baby into the seat.... He sat in silence indicating that he was out-trumped.

My point to him was that he and I see the world in such vastly differing ways. Neither of us had even a remote clue how much that would impact our views of this video...
I was shocked at how very much this side-by-side (blow by blow) comparison exposed. It represented to me just exactly who much I miss in every day interactions and encounters. It also represented to me just how much more I see in those encounters.

After this little exercise we talked some about where to go next. Our conversation went back to the topic of last week which was that I was too judgemental of people and treated them rudely as a result. He claimed that I did not allow for areas of gray in our interactions. I cautioned him that I matched himi in IQ and could most probably out-logic him so we probably should not get into a "logic" match. He agreed that we would not but thought that we should continue the discussion. I got pretty mad then...

Net result is that I dropped the "F" bomb at least 20 times in the next 10 minutes. LOL! BUT... The good news is that we did uncover an interesting piece of data. My super duper literal translations of things especially as it pertains to small talk scenarios really hurt me. Fot example I HATE when people say, "I'm sorry" to me when they did not do anything. It makes NO SENSE. It isn't at all logical and I cannot get over the words. If I am under stress and someone does that to me, I will ilkely bite their head off. The Dr. thought that a good thing for us to work on might be to identify these phrases that challenge me and to develop my Lexicon. He suggested that I try to add this phrase into my vocabularly. Uh... Not just NO but f*k NO. I laughed at him and told him that we need to work on baby steps with these things. How about if we work on me not getting instantly pissed off about the phrase and call it good?

We had to end it there... Until next time!

I remember the day I FINALLY understood 'I'm sorry." I was 34. My standard answer when someone seemingly offered this apology for something they clearly had no implication in, I'd always say the same thing - somewhat annoyed - 'What for? You didn't do anything wrong." By my 30's I was quite pissed by this little social convention that made absolutely no sense.

I had a work collegue explain it to me in black and white.

"I'm sorry for [whatever you are going thru]. I sympathize with you." Conveniently, that is shortened to a simple, 'I'm sorry.' It imparts sympathy, consolation and/or condolences as well as comraderie. It is multifunctional as a term. And everyone else gets thats without ever having to be given the long explanation.

you b***h to a friend about a hard day. They say 'I'm sorry." (I sympathize with your long day - I've had them myself...)
you get mad because your hard day had nothing to do with your friend and they have no blame to assume and apologize for. your friend again says 'I'm sorry." (this time, I'm actually sorry I made you angry even if I'm not sure how.)

The only difference might be inflection. And really, they all get this. They don't even understand that you don't because it isn't something they learned - it's intuitive. It's like asking someone to be conscious of every breathe they take or every heartbeat. It's an automatic function they take for granted. Even when you tell people 'you have nothing to be sorry for' they tend to interpret that as 'you have no reason to be offering me your sympathy - stop being nice to me." They don't understand that you actually think they are apologizing for doing something wrong. They all intuitively know that 'I'm sorry' has multiple meanings.

I have added it to my arsenal. Along with 'I'm sorry for your loss." and 'That must be hard for you." Those three phrases can get you through the most uncomfortable emotional conversations where normally I'd just freeze up and say nothing at all. Much of the time I am forcing them through a clenched jaw but - magically - they work. It doesn't even have to have a real emotion behind it. Sometimes I really wish it did though. But sometimes I'm equally glad that I'm not at the mercy of my emotions like that too.

I found this video, which is similar:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0[/youtube]

I think I picked up on what "I'm sorry" as sympathy means years ago, and picked it up - but then most people seem to say "You have nothing to apologize for." I don't know that many people actually like it.

I learned in my teens to say I'm sorry when people mention something bad had happened to them. I saw it in movies and learned that's how you respond. I think it took me that long to figure it out.

It's been a while since I've really delved into this thread, but I've had some SST (Social Skills Training) issues I've been dealing with.

I was asked to give a presentation to a small group of clients at another agency. That I agreed to do it was something in and of itself! But I did it and did rather well - except for the fact that I sweated a lot at first.

Anyhoo...I trailed the guy who asked me to do the presentation after work. When we got there, he engaged me in some small-talk which I did my best to oblige; after a while, though, I began to struggle for things to say or even answers to his questions. My answers tended to be somewhat terse. He's cool and all, easy to talk to if you're into that kind of thing. Actually I would've preferred to stare out the second floor windows at the autumnal scenery that gray and cloudy afternoon. The people who work/volunteer at the agency came in and introduced themselves - shook hands. Nice ladies and all, but I didn't really have anything of substance to talk about other than to answer their questions about where I work. The guy had his celly...wished I had mine as I left it out in the car in the console.

When the clients arrived we got into the session. I notice that my co-worker didn't necessarily say anything to the clients he had supposedly presented to previously...whatever. When my time came, I did my thing...sweated...recognized some of the faces as people I had served before. Two of the parents were women I had seen. I got more comfortable speaking before them and STOPPED sweating, then finished. After that, the clients and workers asked questions - well, mostly the workers talked.

It was what happened afterward that was of concern to me. They had snacks so everybody seemed to gravitate towards the table that was set up. Bagged popcorn and salty potato chips. I asked if they wanted the printed information to keep for their clients. They did. Everybody was engaged in small-talk chatting it up. Of course, I reverted to my normal state of not knowing what to say or do in this situation - even though I had served a couple of the parents before. Add to this the fact that I was famished.

So I did what came natural: I simply left having nothing else to contribute to the situation rather than to stand there looking like

The next day, my co-worker says to me, "Boy you were outta there FAST!" I simply told him that I was very hungry. The fact was I lost for what to say or what to do in that situation. I realize that it could look like I didn't want to be bothered or something else negative. I'm not certain of what I would've gotten out of hanging around with a bunch of people I really don't know other than having served a couple of them in the not so recent past. I couldn't talk about the end of baseball season or about football because THEY is of no interest to me.

Not so sure anybody wants to indulge my interest in cruise ships - especially given the fact that I've never actually BEEN on one. Or my interest in collecting old 1970s music (Chic, Peter Brown, Change, Parliament/Funkadelic).

So I just left.

I just needed to vent.

I too go into fix it mode when someone tells me about their problems. Hearing about bad stuff makes me uncomfortable and I want that feeling to go away so I can continue doing what I was doing. Simple listening to someone is very hard on me. They may feel better after, but I will feel drained. Also, sympathy seeking is somewhat foreign to me. I would consider it a weakness. On the other hand, sometimes it can be nice to talk to someone. That latter part often comes into conflict with my logical self though... So it may lead to further frustration. Emotions are one of those things that I struggle with. I feel some things too strongly and others not enough. Either way its confusing.

As for "I'm sorry", that is a phrase I overuse. To me, though, it translated to "I'm not happy about what you just told me." I don't pity them, per say, it is just my reaction to an uncomfortable situation. I frequently use it even in situations when I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not apologizing, but more just expressing how something makes me feel bad. Perhaps there's a better way to go about it that I haven't found.