BERNARD TISMAN'S STORIES
THE WILD BATH
One day as I was walking down the street I was grabbed by a wild bath, which then picked me up with it's hands then threw me into itself after filling itself up with water because the bath saw that I was dirty all over.
"This is what I do to dirty scum like you said the wild bath.
"I, the bath have to make sure that you are clean".
"You aren't escaping from be growled the mad bath, not until you're absolutely clean".
"Let me go, let me go".
"Oh, shut up you, screamed the wild bath, you're just a filthy dirty hairy scum."
Along came a man who then rescued me from the mad bath, but the bath got too big for it's boots and chucked the man into the road. A car then came along and,
Whoosh!
The man gets booted up into the sky and lands onto an egg tree and all the eggs smash. The tree then drop's dead and blame's its death on the man who was on it.
It only comes to light when it's spotted by the wild bath because it was the wild bath itself which saw the egg tree drop dead when I smashed all it's eggs after I landed on it.
The wild bath, which happens to be the tree's sidekick, goes mad and ram's itself into me.
"You murderer shouted the wild bath to me, you've killed the egg tree, my own mate."
The bath went bonkers and in revenge grabbed hold of me after filling itself up and tried to drown me for what I did to the egg tree, it's mate, for the bath blamed me for the tree's death.
Luckily I was rescued by a few people who then killed the wild bath by chucking lava at it which they got from a volcano in the park.
THE BATH WITH THE HUGE PLUGHOLE
One day a man having a bath accidentally pulled the plug out. As a result he fell down the plughole together with the water and landed in the drains. Sewer maintenance men rowing their boat down the sewer spotted the man and told him to climb back up the pipe leading to the plughole. He did and returned to the bath in his house at 23 Sewer Drive, Muckington, Bristolshire.
The bath with the plughole large enough to cause a human being to fall down the water pipe wasn’t the only mishap in his house for lurking in his bedroom was a ceiling with a huge gaping mouth and giant gnashers ready to pounce on any person who happened to be in the room.
As it happened the mouth jumped down on the bed and tried to bite a chunk out of Barry Blowtorch, the owner of the house.
He tried and he tried to escape, but no matter how much he tried to the mouth eventually caught up with him and gobbled him up, but in the end managed to escape, having been reborn after being eaten up by a big monster, because was able to replace himself if he ever got killed or devoured by a monster.
The mouth that ate a man who tried to escape went on the rampage and flew down the stairs and started to chew the walls, before finally flying into the kitchen and creating more havoc.
It was noticed by the man who got eaten by a giant mouth that jumped down from the bedroom ceiling earlier on.
The man then came back to life again and spotted the monster of a mad man eating mouth fly down the stairs.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen the monster mouth with its giant gnashers bit the cooker in half and chewed the fridge, causing all it's contents to fall out.
The foods that fell out of the fridge tried to escape from the the monster of a giant mouth, but got caught and devoured.
The foods screamed as the monster 20 foot long mouth devoured them.
In an instant the all the food got killed after being eaten by a monster size mouth.
The mouth then ate the fridge.
The television on the wall screamed in terror as the mad monster size mouth with its giant gnashers rampaged through the kitchen eating everything in its path.
Fortunately the man managed to grab the frightened tv set in the nick of time and managed to escape out of the house through the street door, but the mad giant mouth with its huge gnashers ran after them looking for its next meal.
The man was lucky but in fright dropped the television.
The mouth caught up with it in the end and gobbled it up.
The man ran down the street but was chased by the giant man eating mouth with its giant gnashers, but managed to escape by jumping up into the sky.
Meanwhile down below the mouth continued on its rampage and ate loads of people, and chewing, and eventually eating everything in its path.
In the end police helicopters came to the rescue and blasted the monster size mouth with it's giant gnashers to bits, but not before it gobbled up 50 police helicopters, even whilst people were inside the helicopters.
Before long the giant mouth got destroyed.
The reign of terror was over.
THE DEATH OF A LIGHT BULB
The light bulb in my flat, which is in the support home where I live, has died.
It just popped out.
I am referring to the light bulb in the hallway where I come in through the front door that opens out into the corridor.
What actually happened was that the light bulb had a heart attack and died.
The dead light bulb in the hallway of my flat has to be changed otherwise it could rot away, causing poisonous fumes to escape into the rest of my flat.
Not only that, the bulb could spill foul smelly light bulb liquid on the floor, and what happens is that I could fall ill, and if that was to happen my head would swell up to four feet wide, and that means that I could end up as a monster.
Horns could suddenly pop out of my head and if the carer saw it she would throw me out of my home because the sight of horns in my head could upset a lot of people.
The illness caused by a dead light bulb could even cause my chest to pop open, and what happens is that the heart could turn into a monster with horns sticking out of it and jump out of my body.
Whoever heard of an animal called a heart?
No one, because the animal came into existence when my own heart suddenly turned into a monster with horns and jumped out of my body.
The heart then went on the rampage and tried to eat me, but I opened the door of my flat and ran out, but other residents weren't lucky for they that attacked and eaten alive by the monstrous heart with horns sticking out of it.
I ran into my flat even though I was made into a monster by the disease caught from a light bulb that had died, and managed to close the door shut, but even that didn't offer protection, for the heart bit open the door and in an instant I was eaten alive, but I came back to life again and managed to jump out of the window to escape the mad heart with horns sticking out of it.
However, tragedy struck, for my own head turned into a monster and gobbled me up.
I didn't stand a chance for I got eaten alive by my own head.
THE DANDY COMIC HAS A NASTY FALL
One day whilst a man was reading the Dandy Comic it fell out of his hand and crashed onto the floor.
The man then phoned an ambulance and they took the Dandy to hospital, where it had an operation.
The characters that are in the Dandy also got injured. In fact, both Korky the cat and Desperate Dan fell out of the comic when it hit the floor, leaving both of them lying unconscious on the floor.
In fact, the impact was so violent that Desperate Dan's head fell off his body leaving him headless.
Even Korky the cat suffered unusual injuries, resulting in his mouth moving to the side of his face.
On arrival at the hospital the Dandy comic and it's characters underwent a series of surgical operations.
Desperate Dan had his head sewn back on in an operation that lasted two weeks.
Korky the cat also had an operation, to move his mouth back to the front of his face.
Unfortunately some of the Dandy comic characters didn't survive the Dandy comic's nasty fall.
The famous sheepdog, Black Bob died from it's injuries after the Dandy comic had a nasty fall.
It happened whilst it was inside the comic.
The same thing too happened to Winker Watson, the school wangler.
He bled to death. It happened in Greytowers school when the Dandy had a nasty fall, but Mr Creep,the school teacher survived, so too did Tim Trott, Winker Watson's pal.
Mr Creep, the schoolteacher wanted revenge so he walked out of the hospital and located the home where the man who read the Dandy lived.
Mr Creep burst open the door and bashed the man who read the Dandy when it had a nasty fall.
You, you, murderer, you killed my pupil Winker Watson.
The man who Mr Creep beat up, the same man who read the Dandy that had a nasty fall, was so badly beaten that he grew horns on his head, and loads of nails sprouted out of his nose turning him into a monster. He then flew at Creepy and tried to eat him, but was stopped in his tracks by a chair in the dining room.
The chair flew at the man who tried to eat Mr Creep and knocked him flying until he saw stars.
Even the dining room table joined in, when it jumped up into the air and flew at the cannibal until his body swelled up, in fact, so much that he burst.
The man's heart and lungs jumped out of his body and attacked Mr Creep.
The lungs crawled up his leg and bit him on his breadbasket.
Mr Creep had to run for dear life to escape the mad body organs,that were attacking him.
He went straight through the wall.
The man who swelled up and burst suddenly spurted fire from his body, burning the house down, then all went back to normal for the home owner, but not for his own home for he burnt the house down when fire shot right out of his body.
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY AT A RELATIVE'S HOUSE
On December 25th it was decided that we all should go to a relative's house as they were holding a Christmas party.
On arrival at the house we were greeted by a huge 20 foot long dog, a Footbull Mastiff, which had a bark so loud that it could cause nearby houses to collapse.
Then there was the second dog, a Bernie Duck Terrier, which had six legs and three heads.
Very soon we settled in and were treated to pot scourers as starters before the main meal set in.
There were about 2000 guests at the party, and all had to be accommodated on a table only two foot long.
Finally dinner arrived, and to start off with, we were treated to bowls of chicken feather soup and lokshen balls. Then came the turkey, but had to be careful when eating it because it could get really aggressive the moment you stuck your knife and fork into it.
Along with the turkey was served hairy sausages and Brussels Sprouts, some of them four foot wide, plus
chicken hair stuffing.
The gravy was poured on with a water pistol.
We were each served a huge pile of food, each plateful, the equivalent of ten platefuls put together.
One of the guests, Tom Dirt, helped himself to 20 platefuls of grub.
In fact, he ate so much that he swelled up like a balloon until he burst.
The man's body burst open and all the food shot right out, creating an awful mess.
The food shot right across the room and splattered all over the walls , with some of them landing on peoples' faces -all coming from the huge hole in the man's body after it burst open when he blew up because he ate far too much.
The big hole left when the man burst open after he blew up when he ate far too much, exposed his heart and other organs.
The party had to be terminated after one of the guests blew up and burst open after he ate far too much, leaving a huge gaping hole.
Suddenly something very strange happened.
The man's bowels jumped out of his body and raced across the room.
The bowels then ran into one of the rooms and jumped up onto one of the dogs.
They emptied themselves and smothered the dog with a load of poo.
The smell was so foul that everybody, even the walls vomited.
Luckily a bottle of disinfectant came to the rescue.
the bottle walked out of the cupboard under the stairs and emptied itself onto the poo stained dog, killing the germs instantly.
The bowels saw the bottle of disinfectant and tried to empty themselves on it but were stopped by the dog who bit them, but instead of putting the bowels out of action made them even madder.
The bowels then climbed up onto the dog and tried again to mess it up, but was stopped by one of the guests who grabbed the bowels and put them into a rubbish bin.
But, no sooner than they were put into the bin they jumped out and went on the rampage, but no for long.
After one hour of mayhem the bowels died.
But this was not the end for other organs jumped out of the man's body and too created havoc.
In fact, the man's heart and lungs flew right across the room.
It could have been a really wonderful party hadn't this happened.
The trouble all started after a man blew up and burst open, leaving a gaping hole in his body all because he ate far too much.
As a result of this the food shot right out of his body and across the room creating a load of mess.
Eventually Tom Dirt, the man who burst open, regenerated.
he grew new organs and the hole in his body closed up, but got slung out of the house because the house owners didn't want him anymore after what happened, making everybody sick.
DIAL A RIDE NEWS
One morning round about 10.20 the dial a ride turned up outside my home.
I was in the toilet when the carer Rose Garden shouted:
"Come down at once,the dial a ride's here".
But I was still in the toilet and not even ready.
All of a sudden the carer comes up and knock's on my door.
"Hey you! come down right now, I won't tell you again."
In a mad rush I barge out of the door, but forget my bag as I open up my door.
"You, you've kept the dial a ride waiting."
"But, I can't help it, it took me a long time."
"It's no excuse, said the carer, Rose Garden, the trouble with you is that you're too lazy"
In a mad rush I run down the stairs, and in doing so I crash through the window and end up in one of the bins as I fly right across the car park, then come out all dirty, just like Dirty Dick.
In fact the pong is so foul that even the dial a ride driver can't take it anymore.
She shouts:
"I'm not taking that smelly thing on my bus, I've just kept waiting for him so long and now this thing happen's."
The carer Rose Garden rushes out and call's me a filthy rat all because I came out of a dustbin that I fell into.
She drag's me down to the laundry and sling's me into a washing machine, then shout's:
"You, you filthy man, stay in that washing machine and don't come out until you're clean."
The washing machine is turned on and I spin round and round until I come out as neat as a new pin.
"All because of you, you wretch, the dial a ride's gone without you, it's your own fault for ending up in a dustbin and coming out all smelly like a stink bomb"
In the end the computer cab has to be called to take me to my day centre.
Once in the cab I end up getting chained up to prevent me from escaping.
Once I reach my destination the cab driver barge's into the back of the car and rifle's my bag to take some money out to pay my fare, then boot's me out with his big foot, knocking me flying. This mean's that I'm kicked up into the air until I end up crashing through the window of my centre.
I land headfirst on the table.
The manager come's out and shout's:
"Get out of this centre you wrecker and don't come back".
The manager survey's the broken window and has to pay for the repairs herself.
All of a sudden, having been kicked out of the centre all because I came crashing through the window, I then dart off like a shot and disappear down Rat Pie Road, Gants Hill, finally coming out into Cranbrook Road.
Once in the road I board a bus, then at Ilford, dart off and shoot right down Smudgers Lane and start acting strange, doing things like urinating on a row of parked cars and punching one of the lamp posts all because it kicked me when I got in it's way.
The lamp post respond's by spitting nails at me and sticking pencils down my ear.
Luckily I manage to get out of the way. I do this by sprouting wings and flying down Bucket Road, Ilford, and into Balfour Road and Balthree Road.
At Birth Road I come out into Slay street and dart down Benton Road, passing the chicken bone allotment and into Camera Road, passing Seventy Kings Station.
I then cross over and shoot right down Smelly Meat Road and into Green Lane.
I take to the air once more after sprouting wings and fly down Green lane.
Before long I reach my home.
However, it's not all plain sailing, for I'm met by a really angry Rose Garden, the carer who tried to get me out of the centre when the dial a ride arrived, but ended up falling into a bin and coming out all smelly like a stink bomb.
She see's that I'm nothing but trouble and shout's:
"Get out of this support home and don't come back.
You, you got me into trouble this morning."
However, I don't want to be expelled from my own home so I shin up a drainpipe and force my way into my flat by breaking open the window with a pen, then I get into my room, but can't close the window because I forced it open and damaged it.
It only become's noticeable when the carer Rose Garden leave's at 5 pm to go home and spot's the open window.
She then rushes into the building, come's upstairs and bang's on my door.
I then open it and she drag's me out, down the stairs, then sling's me out.
"You, you troublemaker, don't you dare come back into this block, so, hop it."
In the end I'm kicked out, but late at night, round about 12.00 midnight I manage to sneak back in and enter my flat, but spotted by another carer.
However, word got through to her from Rose Garden about my disgusting behaviour.
She then chuck's me out, and with nowhere to go end up sleeping in the park.
In the end one of my cousins, Jeff Mutton, is informed and get's me removed from Horsemeat Lodge and transferred to a care home in Spitter's Lane, Ilford.
THE WORLD'S FIRST HEAD TRANSPLANT
A head transplant, believed to be the first in the world has been carried out on a man in Smeldon, Lancashire.
The man caught a disease that caused his head to fall off and has been headless ever since.
The operation lasted four months.
The head was grown on a tree in Bighead Forest then taken to King Soapbox Hospital where it was attached to Simon Manure,s body.
To stop his new head from falling off it has to be fastened to the man's body with nuts and bolts.
But the man has to be careful for if he shake's his head it could fall off, or worse still, turn into a man eater, that is, the head could eat the man.
Whilst he was in hospital the man was put on a chicken soup drip and had to have a hose pipe put up his nostrils so the nurses could remove the bile.
The patient also had to sleep standing up on his bed because if he tried to lie down his body could have swelled up until he would have drifted above his bed and flown through the ward.
Not only that, he could easily have flown out through the window, and if this did happen the nurses would have been powerless to stop him.
Not only that, he could have even landed on the roof of a building and got stuck in the chimney.
The chimney pot could have even turned into a man eater and gobbled the man up.
Once he was up and about the man walked up and down the ward with help of a nurse, but had to be put on a lead.
Day after day the man had a blood test to make sure that no enemies turned up inside his body - little villains that could wreak havoc, even eat his organs.
The man did have an ileostomy, but one day, disaster struck.
His stoma turned into a snake and pushed itself out through the stoma bag.
It then grew and grew until the stoma that turned into a snake shot right up to the man's face.
The man's screams were heard by one of the nurses who had to deal with the ileostomy stoma that turned into a snake.
Immediately the nurse, armed with a broom dealt with the stoma that turned into a snake, but as she tried to fend it off the stoma attacked her, knocking her flying.
So, the only option was to remove the snaky section of the stoma.
This was done by a carving knife, but as soon as the rogue ileostomy stoma was cut off it went on the rampage through the ward and ate loads of patients.
In the end Dr Toilet had to be called in, and he with his gun killed the stoma that turned into a snake.
Although the offending part of the man's stoma was removed, this didn't solve the problem, because, no sooner than the snaky part of the stoma was removed from the man's body, the stoma that was left in place also turned into a snake, so the only option was to get rid of the man's bowel for good and replace it with a drainpipe inside his body to allow the body waste to come out into the stoma bag.
THE NIGHT THE SNOW FELL
One night a man went to bed only to wake up the next morning covered in snow.
Even the bedroom floors were covered in a blanket of snow.
This is the first time it has snowed inside a bedroom.
Apparently the snow fell down from the ceiling and within a few hours the entire bedroom was blanketed in snow.
There was snow everywhere, the bedroom floor, the wardrobe and even the dressing table.
The bedroom wasn't the only place that was blanketed in snow, which reached one foot deep, even the kitchen was covered in snow.
There was snow on top of the cooker, even the kitchen sink.
The house was centrally heated, but that didn't make any difference.
The snow just fell anyway.
The man sat down to breakfast, but to begin with he had to shovel all the snow off the dining room table, but, just as he tucked into his breakfast it started to snow quite heavily in the dining room, with the result that the snow landed on the plate.
Because of this the man had to eat the snow, together with his breakfast on his plate.
Not only the man felt the full brunt of a snowy home,even other residents were affected.
Apparently the whole residential home got blanketed in snow.
There was snow in the corridors, on the stairs, even in the office.
This meant that the carer had to put up with snow falling down in her office.
Having the whole residential home blanketed in snow took everybody by surprise.
HOW MY FLAT WAS CLEANED
One day the cleaner came into my flat with a load of poo and used it to clean the kitchen floor, and did it arf stink, but it did clean.
However, there was one drawback, for the poo let off a load of gas and the kitchen blew off like someone breaking wind.
The backfiring noises coming from my flat brought on by smelly gas that had been let off when the kitchen floor was cleaned with poo could be heard right down the corridor.
And the stink.
It could be smelt throughout the whole block.
The kitchen floor made a load of flatulence noises when it blew off.
The cleaner had to wear a gas mask because of the stink when she cleaned the floor with poo.
Even I was affected for the stink was so foul that had go into the toilet and hide in the bathtub.
CORPORAL SNOTT
Corporal Snott was a soldier in the army who often bungled things up and brought the entire army to it's knees.
One day he came into my flat to fix my light bulb because the old bulb had died and had to be thrown away.
But, no sooner than he put in a new bulb the light was switched on and it exploded.
The impact was so violent that I got thrown right across the room.
It show's what a bungler Corporal Snott is, always making a mess of everything.
He once tried to fix someone's lawn mower, but got everything in a right mess.
In fact it turned the lawn mower into a live animal.
The machine switched itself on for no reason and went for it's owner, chasing him around the garden.
It missed him by an inch, but went straight into a tree.
The tree crashed right down and flattened the lawn mower, but unfortunately didn't destroy it, but instead made it even madder.
The mad grass cutting machine raced around the garden and started to bash it's owner.
In fact the lawn mower kicked him up into the air, landing headfirst onto a washing line.
The sight of a man hung up on the washing line took everyone by surprise.
The lawn mower was trying to jump and get the man hung up on the washing line when Corporal Snott tried to fend it off with a broom, but went for him instead, kicking him up into the sky.
The corporal went headfirst straight into a cesspit five miles away and got covered in poo.
As he got out people started to steer away from him because he stunk like a skunk.
Meanwhile, back at 22 Dogmess Gardens, Mr. Cowdung, the man who owned the lawnmover, rushed straight into his house to get away from the mad machine, but it crashed right through the door as he closed it and chased him up the stairs and out into the street.
However a passer - by came to the rescue and kicked the lawn mower's guts in with his big boots, but it went straight for him and ate him, the first case of a man - eating lawnmower.
In the end the British Army had to be called in to deal with the lawn mower that had devoured a man in the street.
They had to question Corporal Snott, because he was the soldier who was behind this mayhem, turning a lawn mower into a dangerous predator when he tried to repair it.
The man was handed over to Colonel Grubby, Snott's superior and put in the army prison for 20 years because he made a lawn mower eat a man in the street.
THE PARTY AT A COUSIN'S HOUSE
One night on December 25th it was decided that we should all have a party at Cousin Bidney's House, so we drove there and on entering the house we were greeted by a huge dog that measured 20 feet, one of two dogs belonging to Bonio, Bidney's husband.
Because the dog, a Footbull Mastiff, was about 20 foot long it had to be accommodated in a separate room.
It had a bark, so loud that it could be heard 100 miles away.
The second dog was a North London Terrier.
It was 12 foot long, but had to be careful on entering the dining room where the party was held otherwise it could knock the table over.
It had the habit of licking the inside of peoples' ears.
Before the main meal there were hors d'oeuvres, known as starters.
Eventually the main meal was served, with loads of turkey stacked on top of one another, together with 500 Brussels Sprouts and trimmings, served on each plate that measured one yard.
The dinner was so huge that people swelled up like balloons until they couldn't get out of their chairs.
In fact one man became so heavy that the chair beneath him collapsed and he went right through the floor landing in a pit underneath.
When he came out he was covered in earth.
Luckily, one of the dogs offered to lick him clean, so he came into the dining room and licked the dirty man until all the earth was removed, and once again he was a clean man.
Very soon the Christmas pud was served and what a pudding it was, for it was as big as a football.
Not only did the guests swell up like a balloon because they ate far too much, they also belched, so loud that everything in the room rattled.
During the meal everybody put on weight, with some guests , 20 stone heavier than they were before they tucked into their Christmas dinner.
In fact they became so overweight that they couldn't get out of their chairs, but one man came up with an idea, and that idea was:
"Why not stick a pin into your body and make it burst, that'll take the stuffing out of you?
And that's what they did, and when they did, a whole shower of food shot right out of their bodies and splattered all over the place with some of it landing on the ceiling and on the windows. In fact one woman had food splattered all over her face when the food shot right out of peoples' bodies when they burst after they stuck a pin right into their bodies to get rid of the build up of food that made them dangerously fat.
At last the burst people could get out of their chairs, but had one drawback.
They were left starving when a whole load of food shot right out of their bodies after they stuck a pin in them.
Luckily there were left overs, so they ate them, but no sooner than they ate them they threw up - all caused by the damage they did to their bodies when they stuck a pin into them in order to get the dangerous build of food out of their systems after they ate far to much.
So it shows what could happen if you eat a plateful of food stacked four foot high.
In the end the ambulance had to be called and each of the 20 guests were rushed to hospital and put on drips to allow their bodies to rest and recover their digestive systems which had been damaged after each person had stuck a pin into his or her body to make it burst so as to let the whole mountain of food shoot right out of their bodies in order to relieve the pressure caused by a massive build up of food, with each plate holding about 500 platefuls of grub.
MAN EATING BUS
One day passengers were waiting for a bus at the stop a bus came along but as they walked up to the vehicle a gaping mouth opened up, a long tongue shot straight out and, ‘one by one each man woman and child were devoured. The hungry bus then raced down the road looking for more victims. It even mounted the pavement, burst into a supermarket and ate people by the score.
‘When news of the man – eating bus reached the government they sent out soldiers to hunt down the mad vehicle that was gobbling people up one by one.
They tried, but as they did the bus charged at the soldiers, and was about to eat them when the soldiers opened fire and that killed the bus, but unfortunately came back to life again.
It then went on the rampage and started attacking other buses. In fact the mad bus caught a Routemaster then bit it all over.
Blood poured out from the badly bitten Routemaster bus and it bled to death.
No one could control the mad bus which was also a man – eater, it just went on the rampage and rammed loads of vehicles. In fact five London buses and even a bicycle got knocked down and killed. The mad bus then ate them.
Although the bus was a man – eater, it also had a taste for other buses, and one day went just too far. It flew up into the air and dived right down on top of a central line train, goring it to death. Once done, the bus ripped the train open and gobbled up all the people inside it; it then flew along the line and into Gants Hill Station, biting and slashing the walls and ended up mauling to death the three escalators.
Gants Hill Station was so badly mauled that it died from its injuries. Even the subways succumbed.
They just dropped dead.
The man – eating bus flew up into the street outside the murdered railway station and starting attacking Gants Hill, in fact so badly that it got taken to hospital.
Whilst Gants Hill was in hospital people who lived in Gants Hill had to find alternative accommodation – the clouds in the sky of course.
Gants Hill had to have an operation.
Because of the severe injuries that it received Gants Hill had to remain unpopulated for five years.
Now the main option was to track down the murderous bus before it could kill the whole world, even the planet Earth.
The bus was eventually caught and blasted to bits by chucking sticks of dynamite at it.
That did the trick.
The mad bus was no more.
THE BLOCKED CATHETER,PLUS OTHER THINGS
One night Percy Banger was complaining of a terrible urge to pass urine. This was caused by a blocked urine catheter.
Although there was a blockage, there was some urine still coming into the leg bag.
In fact the painful urge got so bad that the man had to dial 111.
Within two hours a couple of district nurses came along and attempted to unblock the catheter, but failed to do so; The catheter was too far gone and had to be replaced, so the nurses tried to deflate the balloon, but Percy Banger couldn't go through this.
In fact the situation became so bad that the district nurses had to dial 999, but an ambulance wasn't available, so they would have to send one, and this could take up to six hours, so the only other option was to press the red button, but this had the opposite effect, for it brought down one of the sleep in staff. She said that there's nothing wrong with the catheter, the urine is just flowing through, and another thing, he doesn't need an ambulance, there's absolutely nothing wrong with him.
But, just the same the district nurses went ahead and had to call the ambulance despite the support worker's objections.
In pressing the red button the resident woke the carer from her sleep.
In the end the district nurses left.
If Percy Banger would have let the district nurses carry out their job they would have fitted him with a new catheter, saving him from having to wait in pain until the ambulance arrived.
It did - at 7.30 am, and what a relief it was after having to wait hours in discomfort and pain.
The man was brought to A an E and went straight to the urology department.
The old catheter was removed as it was impossible to unblock and replace by a new one.
Next, someone came along and gave percy a blood test, followed by one of the doctors, who found out that the man had a urine infection, which had to be treated with antibiotics.
Another doctor soon arrived.
she was from the urology department and discovered more than expected in the bladder.
She suggested Urodynamics, a special examination of the bladder to see what was causing the retention.
Once all tasks were completed Percy was able to go home, completely fresh with a brand new catheter.
However there was one other thing.
Percy Banger had a cold coming on.
The cold was in it's early stages, just an uncomfortable feeling in the throat, but a day later it developed into a full blown illness, with the result that the man had to keep on soaking up mucus and blowing his nose all the time.
Not only that, complications developed for the cold spread down to his chest, leading to a blockage, making it very hard to expel phlegm, so the man had to press the red button and an ambulance came along.
The man was taken to hospital, not only for the chest infection he developed as a complication of his cold, but for a suspected catheter blockage. The tube was syringed with saline and irrigated, but no blockage was found. But eh most important thing was to deal with the chest trouble which resulted in the man keep on making noises all the time in an effort to bring up the stubborn phlegm, but was told to shut up by one of his cousins because he was making so much noise. In fact he did expel some, but after such effort. In fact he was forcing it up.
Later on the doctor came along and examined the man.
A chest infection was found and was going to prescribe antibiotics, but found that Percy Banger already had some, left over from the ones that were prescribed for his urine infection. However it was discovered that they were for the chest as well.
Later on the man was given prednisolone , followed by a nebuliser to help him bring up the stubborn phlegm.
Finally the man was taken to the observation ward where he stayed overnight to be monitored, then went home the next morning.
JIM DUSTBIN,S CATHETER NEWS AND STOMA BLOCKAGE
One day a letter came through the post. Jim dustbin opened up the letter and read it.
It:
"An arrangement has been made to have your catheter removed.
"Please note that your catheter will be removed, and you will remain on the ward until you have passed urine. If this is successful you will then return home.
If you find that you can't pass urine you will return to the unit if it's after 4pm."
The night before the procedure Jim Dustbin,s ostomy stoma blocked up.
The blockage came on after Jim had his supper.
As it happened the blockage started off what seemed like indigestion at first, but it wasn't.
At first Jim Dustbin didn't realise he had a blockage because he felt bloated after supper and thought it was indigestion, but then he started to have pains in his stomach.
During the night the pains continued, and by the morning Jim felt sick.
He dialled 999 and called the ambulance. They came and The man got on it.
He had his temperature taken, his blood sugar tested by a pin prick on his finger, where they had to take a sample of blood for analysis, and his blood pressure.
When everything was done then it was off to King Jack Hospital, where Jim had to go into the examination room so the doctors could find out what was causing the stoma blockage. Jim then had his blood test, temperature taken and his finger pricked to test his blood sugar level.
Jim had a long wait.
Very shortly the stoma nurse came in and examined the man's stoma. she then fitted a new bag onto his base plate, and as soon as it was done the stoma started to empty.
The blockage was beginning to clear. As it happened it came undone on it's own accord.
Later on a doctor came in and examined the man's chest. He then decided that he should be taken for a chest and stomach X ray. One to find what caused the stoma to block up, two to find what was going on in his chest.
The stomach results were clear, but the chest X ray discovered a bad chest infection which getting worse. he was then prescribed two lots of antibiotics, Augmentin and Clarithromycin to clear it.
Whilst waiting in the examination room Jim heard a voice.
It was Bournvita, one of his cousins.
Once all tests and examinations had been done it was time to go upstairs to the urology department to have the catheter removed so that Jim Dustbin could pass urine naturally, but had to drink lots of water to enable this to be done. He did, but it also had another effect. It cleared out from his system what was left of the stoma blockage, doing him a world of good . However it also resulted in the ostomy stoma emptying out such a lot, bowel movements so frequent that he kept on running back to the toilet all the time as it led to diarrhoea.
It was a really great help drinking lots of water for it helped to clear out what was left of the stoma blockage as well as making him pass urine, but not completely.
As it happens it's not uncommon for diarrhoea to set in once a stoma blockage clear's
Once enough water was drunk it was time for a bladder scan to see how much urine was left in the patient's bladder.
The results of the scan came up and showed that the man had such a large volume of urine left in his bladder. It was then decided that he would have to have a catheter put in. It was done, and how painful it was when the catheter was pushed through the urethra and up into his bladder as it passed the sphincter muscle.
The balloon was then inflated, but there was more to be done.
The catheter had to be pushed to and fro to make it work properly. It's no wonder that the patient was moaning, because of the pain.
The leg bag was installed into the catheter and when all was well the patient then got up from the bed and was told that an appointment was made for him to see a urologist.
Finally Jim Dustbin was taken down to A and E escorted by Bournvita, where he had to wait for an ambulance to take him home - a minibus ambulance, one of the hospital minibuses that take patients home, but he had a long wait.
whilst waiting he was offered a sandwich and ate it, followed by fruit bread and an apple. He ate the apple but had to throw away the rest as his appetite wasn't yet fully restored, for the stoma blockage caused a loss of appetite for certain foods.
The man was then given a drink, a cup of water.
Later on the man was taken to the ambulance section of A and E to enquire about an ambulance to take him home.
Eventually an ambulance did turn up, a minibus ambulance.
The man soon arrived home and set about making supper, but had have a really small meal for the stoma blockage that occurred hours earlier dealt big blow to the man's digestive system.
Once home the catheter leg bag started to collect a large volume of urine.
At first when the catheter was installed very little urine found it's way into the leg bag, but once home it really started to pick up.
Next day the appetite improved, but only for certain foods, not all foods.
The stoma blockage that had happened earlier on was quite big and resulted in pains being felt all over the man's body, but now it was all over.
THE DAY THEY CAME TO TAKE SIMON SCRABBLE AWAY
One night as Simon scrabble was fast asleep in my flat a gang of men kicked down the door and burst into his flat.
It was the press gang from the mental hospital two miles down the road.
All of a sudden Simon was dragged out of bed, bundled into a sack and dragged out of my flat.
The mental hospital's press gang then dragged Simon along the corridor, whilst tied up inside a sack and forcibly dragged Simon Scrabble down the stairs.
Simon kept on screaming:
"Let me go, Let me go".
"Oh, shut up man, shouted the press gang, we have to drag you along to the mental hospital because we heard that you called the ambulance 4,000 times, and another thing, once you arrive at Badmayes Hospital you will be sectioned for 2,000 years."
"I never did anything cried Simon".
"Why don't you shut up you Madman, you're just a lump of dog's mess, that's what you are, and a criminal.
Another thing, one of these days you will end up In Bedlam where they'll chain you up to the ceiling and give you broken glass and other rubbish to eat."
The resident was bundled into a car and taken to the local mental hospital to be sectioned.
His crime:
"Calling the ambulance 4,000 times, either for chest infection, blocked catheter or both.
On arrival at Badmayes the Simon "Ambulance Caller" Scrabble was slung into a punishment ward where he was locked up and denied toilet. He just had to do it on the floor.
Later that night Simon Scrabble screamed in pain.
His catheter was blocked.
The male nurses came in and told him to shut up.
Because of the crime Simon had committed,
"Calling the ambulance 4,000 times, the male nurses refused to unblock his catheter.
However if the man did what he was told he would earn extra privileges and the nurses would unblock his catheter.
Simon obeyed, even though he was in pain and, because he did what he was told the catheter got seen to, but had to be replaced by a new one.
First of all, the old catheter had to have it's balloon deflated, then pulled out.
A new catheter was soon fitted, but the man had to be given antibiotics as he had a chest infection.
Later on Simon was given Dungrimolox, an antipsychotic to treat the mental condition that made him call the ambulance 4,000 times, and that mental condition was Spodorobifa, a rare form of schizophrenia.
The drug was given by injection, using a 20 foot long syringe.
Simon was also given Jamipramine, an antidepressant made from jam mixed with Imipramine
Simon Scrabble soon learnt that he was to be sectioned for 2,000 years at this mental hospital for repeated ambulance calling and that he would never return to the support home where he had lived previously.
The beds at this mental hospital had no mattresses, just a bed sheet mounted on a metal frame, and how hard it was.
To remedy this each patient had a balloon put into his bed filled with tea to make him sleep more comfortably, but occasionally the balloon could burst unexpectedly causing the tea to shoot all over the place and the man thrown off his bed by the extreme force of the tea - filled balloon in his bed bursting open.
This disaster led to banning the use of tea filled balloons in patients' beds.
The tea filled bed balloons were replaced by mattresses, but they were no ordinary mattresses for they were filled up with milk to inflate them and make them subtle.
The milk - filled mattresses were an instant success, that was until one of the mattresses burst and a whole gallon of milk shot right out, drenching the man who was sleeping in the bed at the time.
This led to filling the bed up with a load of teddy bears to use as mattresses to lie down on.
The patients didn't mind lying down on top of a load of teddy bears inside their beds.
THE DAY I GOT SNATCHED BY A HOUSE
One day whilst out shopping in TESCO a house suddenly swooped down from the sky and snatched me off the ground. The carer saw it all and had to call the police, but just before he could the house shot right up into the sky and flew away.
It was the house in which I used to live in. It just came to snatch me back.
Apparently, the house had found out that I had moved to a support home, and that it was the Southwood Gardens house who was the rightful owner of me and not the support home in which I had moved to.
The house shouted:
"That man, that's me of course,has no right to live in that support home, I'm his rightful owner shouted the Southwood Gardens house.
I was trapped inside my old house and tried to escape, but the house grabbed hold of me and threw me inside.
"Don't you dare escape from me shouted the house, it's me who own's you, not that scum of a support home."
Suddenly, a police helicopter swooped down and tried to rescue me, but the Southwood Gardens house held me hostage.
The house got out a gun and pointed it at the police, but they fired back.
Armed police broke in and rescued me from the crazy Southwood Gardens house and safely returned me to my support home, but just as they did the house started to follow them as the police drove their car along the road to take me home.
I arrived home, but, just as I thought the danger was over a house suddenly appeared at my bedroom window. The house broke the window open, landed in my bedroom and snatched me, I screamed, but no matter how much I screamed the house just shot right out of my bedroom with me in it and flew away, but before long a police spitfire plane turned up and fired at the house to make it let go of me. The police then threw a rope ladder at me for me to climb on and then safely hoisted me up into the spitfire.
They had to fly away as quickly as possible to keep the house from snatching me.
All of a sudden the house opened fire and shot straight at the police spitfire plane, but they dived out of the way dodging the hail of bullets.
All of the sudden the crazy Southwood Gardens house flew straight at the support home in which I lived in and started to ram it again and again. The support home toppled over and had to be taken to hospital due to the massive injuries that the crazy house had inflicted on it by ramming it.
Luckily the support workers got the residents out in time as the support home collapsed to the ground when a mad building, my old house of course, rammed it.
The house was trying to kill the support home because it was my old house and not the support home which was my rightful home.
The other residents were shocked when they found out about the house that was trying to snatch me back and the massive injuries it inflicted on their support home when it rammed it with such violence all because it found out that I had moved into it.
One resident said:
' that house in which I used to live in is mad. How can a house do things like that trying to snatch back the person who has moved out. It also tried to kill my support home. The support home had to be taken to hospital.
Doctors have said that the sheltered home was so badly injured when it got rammed by a crazy house that it could die. We'll do what we could, but we're afraid that the support home won't make it."
They were right, the support home died the next day.
When news of the support home's murder by a mad building reached the residents they decided to wreak revenge on the house that killed it, and wasn't I glad that they decided to wreak revenge.
That way they could destroy the house and it won't kidnap me anymore.
One of the residents came up to me and said we'll try to finish the house off, that way it won't bother you anymore. Not only that, it's also a murderer for it killed our support home by ramming it repeatedly.
All of a sudden the house tried to snatch me. A few of the residents saw what was going on and opened fire. The house got blasted to bits, but even that didn't kill it for the ruins of the house when it got blasted to smithereens went mad.
The door of the blown up house started to ram a load of people. In fact it rammed one man so violently that his head fell off.
The blown out windows of the house attacked two men sawing them in half, but they managed to put themselves back together again.
One man got such a shock that he grew trees on his head. His chest also popped open and a big monster popped out with such huge gnashers that it went on the rampage gobbling up loads of people.
Now the only answer was to unleash a volcano, that would finish off the blown up house and it's smithereens for good.
A volcano was built in Valentines Park and started to erupt when police told it to erupt. It then burnt the remains of my old house, thus ending the reign of terror.
Now all was safe.
A new support home was grown in a nearby allotment and planted on the site where the murdered home stood.
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