how did you find out about eye-contact?

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Luckily no one's given me any trouble for lack of eye contact. I started working on eye contact when I was in school, since I heard/read that eye contact makes people feel listened to and valued. If I have any social strengths at all, it's listening, so I decided to try that. I think it's made a difference in my first impressions. However, it's a struggle processing and figuring out what I'm going to say when the other person is finished. I definitely find eye contact a little overwhelming, as if eyes really are the window to the soul.

But on the bright side, the closer I get to a person, the less eye contact I can get away with. With my family, I don't give them much eye contact at all when we're talking. They're totally ok with that. But I sense that my family is different than most. I'd say we all have aspie traits to some extent or other.

I have several eye disorders so not only do I find eye contact uncomfortable but it is physically impossible for me to hold it before my eyes start doing their own thing.

my adoptive "mother" (I think of her as that woman I as randomly assigned to...) used to scream at me to "look at her" when she was in full drama mode. Best I could manage was her mouth. That seemed to satisfy her, she would continue on with whatever had set her off, as long as I stared at her mouth.

This post is bringing me to the inevitable place of discussing my childhood. I don't remember a time before I knew eye contact was a problem. I think teachers would bring it up with my parents and they probably told me to try and improve it. I remember complaints from teachers becoming criticism from my parents. That was not helpful as you can imagine

I remember being taken to a child physiologist once and he seemed very capable. He had me in a room interacting with other kids I believe. I don't know what he told my parents and they are both gone now. This was around 1963 so I don't think there were any interventions for HFA. I don't know if the school tried to get my sent to a school for autism, but that is possible. I never heard anyone in my family mention the word autism though .

I have realized about the not making eyw contact thing because I was sometimes told off for it. Teachers would say "Look at me when I'm talking to you" but often I found it difficult to then know what was being said when I looked directly at them.

Many times habe people shout at me for not looking directly at them when they are annoyed... And I can't then communicate with them.

I remember from a young age, my mom and therapists were trying to teach my eye contact. When I was little, it just seemed like torment for the sake of torment before I had the ability to fully understand social norms. Eye contact is a big part of first impressions in the real world.

Now, I still struggle with it when getting thoughts together but I've gotten much better.

Occupational therapy.

Precious lil "people" either have the nerve to tell me "what the f**k are you looking at?" Or "look at me when I am talking to you"

They have been telling me that since I was young. Rarely now, but that could be because I avoid them more often. Not because I used the correct amount of eye contact


But nobody measured the angle of my ugly fat stupid head with a protractor

Ass holes

Speech therapy.

I was just told off for not making it and that's how I knew. I tend to look next to people and not at them as it feels too intimate to make eye contact. When I'm very stressed I can't even look at someone and will shift around, looking from the ceiling to the floor or closing and opening my eyes. But looking at people's noses is ok in the mean time. Once I learnt that trick, I was no longer told off.

At first, I avoided it because of my selective mutism. I associated eye-contact with the expectation of speaking in public (something I was fearful of). Then, after speech therapy I started speaking publicly and making eye-contact.

However, due to how my school counsellor treated me, I developed a phobia of eye-contact but only with particular members of authority. So if a teacher acted a certain way, then I'd be terrified to look them in the eyes.

Two events changed this. Now, the first was when I was especially frustrated with a teacher. She scared me. Not just me either, she scared most of her students. In her lessons, she came across as rather intimidating. A few students had told me that they were too nervous to approach her for help. Naturally, I found eye-contact with her difficult. If I did make it, I usually averted my eyes quickly. My grievances with her were starting to build up, but I avoided confrontation. Everyone did in that class. Then one day I couldn't take it anymore.

She was mocking me, like she often did, and blamed me for something that wasn't my fault. I tried to calmly explain, but she kept interrupting. She wouldn't listen to me. I eventually snapped. The issue was clearly an administrative error, not something I'd done. I saw that she hadn't checked anyone else's work, because in a pile right next to her I could see the same error (she'd accused me of having the wrong introductory worksheet) on a bunch of papers she'd marked as correct. The fact that she wouldn't look at something that was so close to her, that she wouldn't listen, it was too much. So I picked up the pile and threw it in front of her. Then I proceeded to go into a rather long, intense rant in front of everyone, and maintained eye contact with her during it. I was no longer afraid in that moment, I was too annoyed to be. During that frustration, it was as if I'd temporarily forgotten my fear. I'd been holding back for too long. Everything just spilled out.

Then, once it was over, I couldn't quite believe that I'd just done that. Neither could everyone else as I sat down in my seat. It was so silent, which was rare for her classroom. Everyone had stopped talking when I'd started my rant, probably in collective shock over the quiet kid suddenly losing it. Understandable. Anyway, after that she actually apologised to me and spoke in a level, respectful tone in her following lessons. I was no longer afraid of her after that confrontation, I could make eye-contact with her.

Now, the next event was when I was assigned an art teacher who insisted that I maintain eye-contact with him. It was bizarre to me how insistent he was. My teacher refused to accept any answer from me that wasn't given with the correct amount of eye-contact, even if it was right. He'd either ignore it, or tell me to try again. Sometimes people would feel bad and put their hand up, then say "(my name) said..., and I agree with her because...", then he'd reply saying that he knew I'd said that, but that we're not listening to (my name) until (my name) complies.

It was rough. This also applied to questions and pleas for help. So sometimes I'd just be stuck all lesson, and that was that unless another student helped me (he usually persuaded others against this). Eventually I trained myself to look him in the eyes when I wanted something. The chin, nose or shoulder wasn't close enough. It had to be for a long enough time also, or he'd say "Nope, not long enough, either try asking me again properly this time, or don't ask at all". Once I'd gotten into the habit of maintaining eye-contact with him, I no longer had an issue with anyone else. Now I make eye-contact without thinking about it, unless someone is visibly uncomfortable with it or they ask me not to.

Nobody knew about Asperger's or autism when I was growing up, but I was often hassled about not making eye contact. I'm 60 now, and still have problems with it. Making eye contact causes me a great deal of discomfort, but I will try to do it a little, but I can't maintain it for long. I can either listen and talk to someone, or concentrate on making eye contact, and if trying to work on making eye contact, I can't concentrate on the conversation. I'd rather not have to deal with the discomfort eye contact causes me, and I'd rather concentrate on the conversation, so mostly I just briefly make eye contact at the beginning of the conversation, to show I am relating to the person and the topic, then just concentrate on the conversation.

I've had 6 decades to try to figure out why eye contact is so bothersome to me. The answer that I've come up with is that it feels aggressive--like a challenge, or a threat, when that's not what I intend to convey, and I also don't wish to feel that coming from the other person, so prolonged eye contact is like a kind of attack. I'll stick with brief eye contact and concentrate on the conversations, instead of prolonged eye contact. At my age, I can get away with being a little eccentric.

Having people hassle me about it is kind of like shoving a dog's face in poop, only I haven't done something wrong, just not socially acceptable. Well, tough! I choose to go my own way.

Wished somebody had told me about eye-contact once I was young. For me meant eye-contact direct aggression. "Get out of my way or fight". Any guy understood my look once I did. The wild aggression in my cold eyes and my serious face told him enough. I was quite fast into fighting if somebody started to mess around with me. This prevented me from being bullied. Without being aggressive I didn't make eye contact except for parts of a second for checking the mood of people which I not wanted to fight and focussed on their mouth.
Only two years ago I slowly figured out that women like eye contact. If I enjoyed a women then I did it. Some time later a guy in a pub told me that it is OK towards men too. I wasn't up to fight him and realized that it had to do with my mood. Of course it's better to do eye-contact because you get the emotions of others towards you aswell as they get your feelings towards them. For this it's a good idea to keep a good mood towards others if doing so. If somebody here isn't aware of it eye-contact is not only a way to read emotions but you may also causes the other the related emotions and for this may a good mood towards somebody else if you are starting eye-contact cause you a friend.
But eye-contact is still hard for me if I have to think about more complex stuff. Getting emotions of others is to distracting if I need to focus on something different.

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