What to do when you find out your Husband has Autism

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05 Jul 2012, 5:23 am

Callista wrote:

Depends. Some people in open relationships have agreements like, "You can have other lovers, but I'm the one you love." Which seems weird to me, but considering I don't really have a sex drive to worry about, I can't judge them beyond advising people to trust their consciences. My gut feeling, as an asexual person who wants deep emotional connections but not sex, says that humans are best off in monogamous relationships because of all the resentment and favoritism that comes up when there are more than two people involved, whether it's a love triangle or a polygamous/group marriage... but if there's no abuse involved, I'd rather just butt out and leave their own personal decisions up to them.

I've been in a poly arrangement and almost was in another two. I would say that poly relationships can be as healthy as monogamy, or as abusive. I don't know that there's anything inherent to each variety that makes them superior, except for individuals - some are happier in poly relationships, some are happier in monogamous relationships.

I'd say I've been around a lot of poly people. I have seen resentment on some occasions, but I get the impression from many that it's not an issue in their relationships, and these are people who strike me as both honest and straightforward.

Dillogic
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05 Jul 2012, 5:38 am

Did running in circles help?

Callista
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05 Jul 2012, 12:15 pm

ooo wrote:

You want to divorce your husband of 20 YEARS just because he has Asperger's, a mild form of autism?

Why exactly do you want to divorce the husband? Surely 20 years of marriage can't be thrown away because you finally have a term for the development disorder he has had all these years.

If she had decided to divorce him, she wouldn't be here asking questions. Don't jump to conclusions.

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Poke
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05 Jul 2012, 10:23 pm

Callista wrote:

Yeah. His autism is something he has to deal with, ultimately. It's not a moral failing; it's not a mental illness; but it is something about his brain that is different from most people's.

You're just saying that to make this person feel better.

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06 Jul 2012, 11:51 am

Poke wrote:

Callista wrote:

Yeah. His autism is something he has to deal with, ultimately. It's not a moral failing; it's not a mental illness; but it is something about his brain that is different from most people's.

You're just saying that to make this person feel better.

No, I am not. I truly believe that. Autism is neither a moral failing nor a mental illness; autistic people have healthy autistic brains. It is a difference and a disability, but it is not something to be ashamed of and not something that makes you inferior to NTs. Autistic people have the right to make their own decisions, to control their own lives. Yes, some of us need help--some of us need intensive help--but like any human being we have the right to control our own decisions, and the responsibility to do so wisely.

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10 Jul 2012, 10:14 am

Well, good luck Beth. I'm NT and my beloved is a high functioning autistic man. I wouldn't leave him over it. Granted, our situation is a bit different given that I went into the relationship knowing full well that he is autistic and that there would be some special challenges as a result, but I want to offer you a shoulder to cry on any time you feel like you need it. PM me any time! Maybe I can help you somehow.

Ettina wrote:

One thing I'd like to tell you is that the claims that autistics are incapable of love are totally wrong. This is probably the myth that is most hurtful to NT partners of AS people, as well as the AS people themselves.

The thing is, AS people often show love differently than NTs. This does not mean their feelings are any less real.

A good analogy is the difference between cats and dogs. If you've had a pet cat, you know cats can form strong emotional bonds with humans. They don't show it by running up to you and wagging their tail, and whining whenever they're apart from you, like dogs do. And unlike dogs, if they're not in the mood, they'll often reject petting. But cats will come up and cuddle you when they're in the mood, and will often settle down nearby you when they could just as easily avoid you. They'll often give you subtle affectionate glances. If you're only used to dogs, a cat will seem quite cold and aloof, until you get used to how cats show affection. (And if, like me, you're more used to cats, dogs will seem weirdly dependant and clingy.)

I'm not sure if you've heard this myth, but just in case, I thought I'd let you know because it is a very common myth.

I just want to thank Ettina for this wonderful post! It is so true! My boyfriend is the most loving and lovable soul I've ever known, but it took a bit of time for him to truly open up to me and become affectionate. The key is patience, patience, patience! He will always show me love and affection in his own way, on his own terms, which is something that I continue to learn to keep in mind.

I am always quietly looking out for meaningful, little ways that he shows his love for me - it may not seem romantic to someone else but I know for him, and therefore for me, as well, it definitely is. Once I began looking for those little things and quietly watching his behavior change over the past two months, my heart was filled with joy as I started to realize just how much he truly cares about me.

It really makes me angry when I hear things like autistic people and Aspies can't "show love" - they absolutely can, of course!

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11 Jul 2012, 8:58 am

THe last few posts have given me hope . I am the aspie married to an nt like Beth v. My wife and Beth v sound very similar in the emotions they have towards us Aspies. If you have read my thread you will see that I am doing everything I can to save my marriage. I know that Aspies can show emotion. My wife just has to see that and meet me in the middle. If she can then things will work out. If she doesn't then things won't.

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11 Jul 2012, 10:00 am

If I'm reading this situation right, you're saying his feelings for you collapsed when the priest spilled the beans about the abuse you'd had as a child? If so, I'd say that's the thing to work on - I can just about understand how an Aspie could seriously shut down emotionally from somebody who turned out to have a sexually scary past, particularly if he found out from somebody else.

Counselling doesn't necessarily fix relationship problems but it should at least throw light on the available options for any client willing to look. I don't think it's of much use for hammering home points to each other, or making the partner see what they won't see, no matter how important they are. So if it fails to influence the partner, it can still succeed in the sense that it can clarify the prognosis and give you the confidence to choose which way to go next.

Whose idea was it for him to have another partner? How would that work if he doesn't like sex?

Quote:

Sorry to have bothered you all. I will remove the post and myself from this when I get home.

I expect you were at a low ebb when you write that. Well done for not quitting. I trust you don't say things like that to your partner?

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11 Jul 2012, 10:12 am

Beth_V wrote:

Hi I am new to this site and am trying to work out where to look for anything related to the place I now find myself. My husband of 20 years has just had autism/Aspergers confirmed and I feel like I am in a very black hole. while the problem isn't new to me or should I say the problems aren't new to me the confirmation is. I knew something was wrong and felt that because of a significant event 6 weeks before our wedding he simply didn't really love me and my hearts needs were of no consequence to him. Now I understand a little but I am completely bewildered as to what to do next. Quite frankly I want to run but I am torn apart by the idea of abandoning him. Is there anyone else out there that feels as I do, Is there anyone with any suggestions, Am I even looking in the right place?.....

Hmmm... Well, it's a good thing you're "torn apart" by the idea of running, but I'm a little upset that you would even consider that in the first place, especially after stating that you just recently were hurt because you thought your husband didn't love you. If you run, then you obviously don't love this man for who and what he is. Specifically what you should do depends on how he acts and everything. I would say just try to learn what you can about it and see what applies to him. But you've already said this wasn't really anything new to you, so you should know him well enough.

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11 Jul 2012, 10:14 am

ozman wrote:

I can relate to this absolutely having just recently been diagnosed after 12 years of marriage. What am I doing about it , everything I can, what did my wife do? Leave me with no promise that she is coming back. Just when I needed the most help, she leaves me.
My advice is if your husband wants to change, stay and support him and see how it goes. And see a marriage counsellor trained in AS. If he doesnt't want to change or is in denial of his AS he is not going to change and you should either accept that or move on.

Wow... ozman, that's terrible.

DerStadtschutz
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11 Jul 2012, 10:22 am

Callista wrote:

Aspies can't love? Are you nuts? Of course we can! Most likely, an Aspie in a marriage loves his spouse as deeply as any other spouse does--probably more, because an introverted person in a close relationship will be much more intimately attached than an extroverted, social person can ever be.

People married to those with ASDs need to understand that it's not the love that's deficient; it's the knowledge of when and what you are supposed to do to communicate it. Saying that somebody doesn't love you because he's got Asperger's and can't communicate it is like saying that somebody who's blind can't appreciate Shakespeare because he can't see to read it. Just like the blind person can use Braille or an audiobook, the Aspie can find ways to communicate--and their NT partner can find ways to communicate with them.

Breaking up with somebody because "they can't show love because they are AS" is probably an indication that the NT partner went into the relationship loving not their spouse, but their ideal mental image of that spouse as they would be if they could be molded like so much putty into the perfect spouse. If you don't love them as they are, then you don't love them, and you can't blame your lack of love on AS.

If you could hear me right now, I'd be clapping.

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11 Jul 2012, 10:24 am

Beth_V wrote:

Can I firstly acknowledge YES my husband can be loving and caring, it was why I fell in love in the first place, have seen evidence of this in my marriage YES was it directed to me NO. I knowingly allowed him to have a mistress and I allowed it because I honestly thought it would help kick start his libido, let me assure you it was heart shattering to see how much he can love and care. He would on his knees beg me to be able to go to her while tears streamed down my face asking him to please be with me, did this improve anything NO but it did clearly show me he chooses to reject me and it clearly is a choice he makes. Greg will do anything for me as long as he doesn't have to touch me.
For the person that asked if I have had any help, yes I have. Mostly because I knew I was the problem I spent several years in counseling alone and together, we have done marriage counseling, marriage enrichment courses, I have in my understanding given absolutely everything to this man because I love him with all that I am even when I thought I had nothing left to give I have still dug deeper and looked for ways to save my marriage. I don't think his diagnosis will end our marriage, that's not fair on him, for me the diagnosis just means for me that the likelihood of coming through this together is slim. From what I understand people with Autism can love but they can also hate and mostly that's what I feel from him. His negative focus is aimed right at me But he does not want me to leave. I tried speaking with him again yesterday , it's like banging your head on a wall and it's soul destroying. What I am asking of anyone reading this is not to see my story in it, I have shared what I have to give depth and understanding to the reader, what I am seeking is any kind of feedback to him, anything to help me understand his point of view. I thank you in advance for lending your hearts and thoughts to mine.

The best way to understand his point of view is to talk to him yourself. Either that, or have him come talk to us as well.

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11 Jul 2012, 10:41 am

Beth_V wrote:

I guess the diagnosis has polarised my thoughts, my fear of the diagnosis stems from the fact that my son has Adpergers and he hates me, well that's what he says but he always comes to me when he needs me do not sure about that really, my son was diagnosed at 15 I had always been able to explain away his early behaviour and then on my anniversary I saw myself looking at my husband in the exchange that was had and with clarity the same lack of appropriate responses from my husband. I am a reflective person so things happen and are said I examine afterwards my heart, my responses, my words and assess situations that way and if I am wrong I make restitution and apologise, I have always been this way. My fear has nothing to do with the past it's done. I have coped with everything and basically assumed the role of dominance because I could not get him to take the lead, except financially he obsesses about money. My fears are looking forward knowing its not going to change. Yet somehow still trying to find an answer. I understand what you just said about lying as well, he is awful at it I never look for lies or evidence of them but I always find out about them. Is it unusual then for him to be comfortable talking to others about his life issues? He seems to be able to talk to anyone except me?

He can probably talk to anyone except you because you're his wife. He probably at least senses SOME damn tension. I can't imagine that something would be eating anybody up as much as it seems to be doing to you and yet your husband wouldn't notice one bit. Hell, maybe he even has a keylogger. Either way, my point is this: He probably doesn't want to talk to you about it because you're the one who's going to end up leaving if he does something wrong. He probably feels like now that he's had his diagnosis, you're going to blame all sorts of things on it.

Sometimes it's harder for me to talk to my girlfriend simply because I know that I don't communicate the same way as most people, and that I get misunderstood ALL THE TIME. So it can be extremely difficult to come up with the right way to say something, or even WHAT to say in the first place. But I can tell just about anybody else almost anything. I have no problem talking about things here that I have trouble talking to my girlfriend about simply because she's my girlfriend and I don't want to screw that relationship up. While it never makes me happy to cause problems by saying the wrong thing, I don't care as much if I say the wrong thing and piss someone off on a forum as I would if I did it to my girlfriend. Random internet people can get pissed and never speak to me again... If she did that to me, I would be devastated. Sometimes I feel like I can't say anything right at all without f*****g something up, so I just don't say anything.

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11 Jul 2012, 10:44 am

League_Girl wrote:

Beth_V wrote:

Your husband obsesses about money? In what way? Does he obsess over saving and be all cheap about spending? Does he fear about going broke and act like you guys are poor?

I have noticed from some NTs that their aspie partners obsess over money and it makes me wonder if it's just a coincidence or part of AS?

That's a good question. I know my dad was a HUGE cheapass, always obsessed with money. If I borrowed 50 cents from him and didn't give it back to him, I'd hear about it until I did... And this would probably continue for a year or even longer(I don't know though, I've never taken that long to pay back 50 cents to him). He also used to walk around the house on what my brothers and I called "light patrol," shutting off any electrical appliance that was turned on but not in use at the time(or for the last 15 seconds). If I went to the kitchen to get a drink, he'd come in the room and turn off my TV.

Now, I'm nowhere near as bad as my dad, but I'm still a gigantic cheapass. I've never been officially diagnosed, but I'm about 95% sure he and I both have it. It just makes WAY too much sense for it to not be true.

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11 Jul 2012, 12:39 pm

Judging by what I read with the mistress and whatever, I think the autism is the least of your marriage's problems.

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11 Jul 2012, 12:50 pm

Beth, what DerStadtschutz wrote is something you should really think about. He made a lot of great points! I hope you're doing well today and that you are considering all of the advice that everyone has given you.

ozman wrote:

I'm sorry - I really hope things work out between you two!

((hugs)) I hope your wife will see that she just has to have extra patience with you. It can be hard, loving someone with your condition, but it's definitely not impossible.

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