Special interest destroyed!

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Divorce of parents isn't the worst thing that can happen to a kid. When I was a kid, my dad used to verbally abuse my mom and hit me. Never serious, nothing that would get the police called, but I would truly have been happier if she had divorced him. Unlike this situation, though, he truly was a sociopath. This isn't nearly as bad--there's potential for healing here; or at least, from what I see; it's just so buried in resentment.

The best situation for kids of divorced parents is if the parents remain on good terms afterwards and don't put the kids in the middle of any fights they might have.

At this point, separation might be the best idea simply because the longer you stay together, the more you hurt each other and the worse your relationship gets. I'm not a marriage counselor, obviously, but it seems to make sense that if you keep hurting each other that can only make things worse. If instead you were to back off and try to rebuild things from the ground up, maybe you could break that cycle. Maybe even go on dates again, get to know each other properly, put aside the history of pain and craziness.

Anger management might be useful too, for Worried Wife. The strategy of leaving a situation when you're too angry to think straight makes a lot of sense and I think it's quite a mature thing to do. If she could learn that, too, maybe that would help.

Here's another thought--and I have no idea if this would be any good, but it'll do no harm to throw it out there. What if, instead of just replacing the models, you were to use them as a safe way to interact? Buy the kits, or the supplies, and he can teach her how to put them together, explain how they work and what the history of the different designs is. That way she can literally undo the damage she's done--maybe not as skillfully as an experienced model builder, but rebuilding nevertheless. The danger in this is that it will spark an argument over some memory that crops up, so you'll have to assume that eventually one or the other of you will get too mad to be nice to the other, and you don't want that. Instead, agree that either one of you can ask to take a break--and the first time you do this together, both of you have to ask for at least one break, so that you know how it's done. Whether you're frustrated, feeling yourself boiling over or wanting to say something nasty, both of you simply leave the room, go somewhere separate, and wait until you are okay to start again.

Like I said, I have no idea if that would do any good, but it's a thought. If you have AS, sharing a special interest with someone is usually one of the most meaningful sorts of closeness you can have. And if you don't have AS, learning about that joy and fulfillment helps you understand the other person's perspective.

One other thing: You might want to research disability advocacy. It seems to me that both of you have probably internalized anti-disability prejudice--that bias against "crazy" or "abnormal". You both probably beat yourself up about not being normal enough, and may well see your respective conditions as something to be ashamed of. It's natural in this world to soak that up whether you like it or not... to fear disability, to think of it as foreign and unnatural rather than as a part of the human experience. And if you reject it in yourself, you learn to reject it in others, to try to think of them as the person they would be if they didn't have the disability... but that's not the way it is. Your disability is a part of your life. It can be so hard to learn that different is okay, disability and mental illness something that's not something to reject, but a part of your life. Everyone has problems; having PTSD is no fun, outright painful, and neither is it any fun to have to work hard to the point of burnout just to understand the people around you. But they are not especially scary problems. It's not something you need to be ashamed of or sweep under the rug or pretend doesn't exist. It's simply a fact, a neutral part of your existence that you acknowledge and take steps to cope with.

I wish you both the best. I wish you happiness, though I don't know if you will find it together or apart.

My parents SHOULD have seperated years before they did, when I was 17. I witnessed/heard so much anger over the years. ( In point-of-fact my Mom has constant meltdowns & I strongly suspect her as both being abused as a child & having a form of ADHD)> The final act was truly awful, with her destroying most of of our house before packing up me & my sister.All the emotional trauma of this end resulted in my sister running away & being killed in an AUTO accident.
I realized After-The_Fact, that much of my High SChool years depression came from the Stress. That & my social problems from (probable) HFA.
Its just NOT WORTH it. The cycle tends to perpetuate itself.
And no, I doubt either spouse is innocent ( as Dr, Phil said "No pancake is so flat it doesn't have two sides". Trite, but true..)
I truly think time apart & SERIOUS counseling is in order here.

Sincerely,
Matthew

Wow, this thread highlights the importance of context.

Normal people don't smash things when upset, the definition of NT is a bit off on this website according to what I've been taught. All people with ADHD/ADD, learning disabilities (Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia), "Mental Illness" (BiPolar, Schizo, PTSD, Anxiety, etc), Autistic Spectrum, and other developmental neurological disorders are NOT Neurotypical, they are Neurodiverse. This being said this woman does not have the basic requirements to be considered NT, she does not live the life of an NT, and she faces a world who for the most part speaks another language from her. She is ND, like myself, and she has a list of concerns that are valid and serious.

Yes, it is easy to get hung up on any side of the fence and I'm not defending her because I identify. I'm not defending her at all, but I am going to stand up against the assumptions and bullying concerning an "NT wife". It's sick and ignorant.

I know that she did not simply premeditate ruining someone's life by destroying material possessions, there is a lot more to this. Did anyone ever think these possessions MAY have caused abuse that set her over the edge? Maybe these possessions are why she is defending and protecting the fiscal assets required for survival? If I didn't do the finances my AS/ASD husband would have us broke for several reasons and he has been bailed out for similar "meaningful possessions" taking priority over basic survival needs. When this affects daily survival (which is neglectful and a form of abuse all it's own) it is natural for that defensive survival drive to kick in. Everyone has a limit and a person with a history of abuse can smell abuse a mile away, I have a feeling this all happened from this very natural response and there is nothing "normal" about it. Normal people do not have these reactions. Normal people do not have these problems. I see no sign of "NT" on either side of the fence. I'm not inferring she has gone through what I have, I do not know, but I can tell you that an NT would struggle coping while an ND will simply meltdown and shutdown in these situations.

How abusive is it to put these planes above her when they may be part of why their family is struggling? If these planes are more important than the family, how is she simply not reacting to being abused? The cruelty I've seen displayed is astounding, I'm thankful some of you have been helpful and fair compared to the posts I'm referring to.

I've seen enough here to know all I can say is there is more here than meets the eye and both parties need to find a solution and make it happen. It will be dangerous and very harmful if you two do not find a reasonable agreement on making improvements from both sides. Relationships are a two-way street, if that's too much to bare then don't have one. If your possessions come first, don't get in a relationship with ANYONE who doesn't feel that way. If your partner is not your EQUAL, you are not "partners". Everyone is an individual with feelings that are very real and valid, the second this is not the case is when a relationship is not a healthy plausibility.

I'm sorry for that outburst, but for so many people talking about abuse there sure is a lot of abusive behavior here and bullying.

Thanks so much guys - I have taken a lot of your advice on board and have done quite a lot of self reflection.

It's not going to bean easy ride but I think with a bit more responsibility for my own actions and less blame things will be a lots smoother.


So again Thanks

If the situation is as the OP claims (there's always multiple sides to a story), I would have to say "ditch the b***h."

If you are being honest with us & yourself, I wish you all the best. Hopefully things can improve here..
Good Luck!

Sincerely,
Matthew