Do we have a barrier between us and other people?

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I've been told this my whole life! People have said that I put up a "wall" between me and them. They say I seem nice enough but they don't feel that they can get close to me (they're telling other people I know -- mother, mutual friends -- not me). This is most troublesome when it comes to forming romantic entanglements. I scared to death of dating and I guess it shows, because I've had my share of male attention but rarely to the point of a date. Even when things look promising, they all end up backing off. It's all well and good that I know that this "wall" exists, but I'll be damned if I know what it is or what I'm doing to keep it there.

The relationship between Tim and Wilson on Home Improvement is a good picture of neurotypical socializing. It revolves completely around two things, eye contact and communication. When these things are done in a natural and satisfactory manner the barrier between them becomes insignificant.

Then you have someone like me. Who can't maintain eye contact, certainly not naturally, and holds a conversation like a broken glass holds water. Because of this the barrier is never forgotten. It seems so big as to be insurmountable.

But if I reach my arms and they reach theirs, if we hug, for a moment the barrier is forgotten. That's why I like hugs. The best day of my life was when I went free hugging at a Christian music festival. It was my friend's idea. Nearly everyone gave me a hug. It's as if the world was opening up to me and letting me in. This one girl hugged me and found me again later to give me a second hug. I was over the moon.

Of course most days are nothing like that. Because the average person is fine with the barrier. They can connect in spite of it through eye contact and communication. Those who can't connect through those things still aren't generally amping to give someone a hug. Not with the million issues concerning insecurity, trust, etc. I understand all that. But I miss the world I had for a day. The one that let me in. That thought I was worth wrapping their arms around twice.