I'll allow that it comes with gifts. IS a gift?? Harumph. Sticking ONLY to inherent features (not things like crippling social anxiety that are consequences of the autistic experience of the first 25 years of life), I could do without single-channel processing, sensory overload, tactile defensiveness, perseveration, and executive dysfunction. I'd trade the gifts autism gives me to get rid of those without a backward glance.
But, in the spirit of accentuating the positive...
Before perfectionism and paranoia shut it down, I was a pretty good writer. If I hadn't taken all those creative writing classes, I probably still would be. Maybe someday it will come back.
If I don't let low self-esteem and conflict avoidance override my own point of view, I'm very logical and sensible. My dad had that-- it made him a damn fine parent. I enjoy the fact that I raise my children according to what I believe is moral, sensible, fair, and likely to precipitate a good outcome from a developmental and mental health standpoint, and not according to current trends, what my folks think, or what my friends are doing. When I've managed to stick to that, it's been very good. Getting back to it has helped to undo a lot of the damage that parenting according to others' opinions did.
I am not very good with technology-- I think it requires thinking on too many channels at once or something-- but I am very good with simple machines and wood. I like to build things; I can make serviceable things without instructions. I'm working on "pretty." Turns out I'm a decent seamstress, too, although I'm not liking learning to manage a sewing machine very much. It's worth it to be able to make bigger things faster.
I am very good at tedium, repetition, and doing boring things without getting crushed by the boredom. I never thought this would be good for anything ever, and for many years believed it made me a dull and undesirable person. Turns out that a tolerance for repetition and tedium is a very important attribute in a housewife, homesteader, and mother of small children. Not sure how that will play out when the children are no longer small, but I'm going to find out.
I LOVE the fact that I am not, I don't know what to call it, socially squeamish. I never had a problem talking to my kids about drugs, or sex, or the consequences of their actions. I don't have a problem listening to people talk about the un-pretty and not socially nice things, like frustrations with kids' special needs or depression or a history of abuse or whatever, that runs through their minds and has to be dealt with on a daily basis. It's not good for MAKING any friends, but if I manage to get a foot in the door and make it past 'casual acquaintance' status, it's excellent for keeping them. I like the fact that I'm the one they call when they're ready to scream and/or can't stop crying. That's one of my favorite things about me.
One gift of autism that I wouldn't trade, maybe, is that it shields me from a lot of the stupid things people do in the name of playing social games. I like "things" as much as the next person, but I'm not prone to stuff envy. I have no desire to keep up with the Joneses. I will never be that person with a "Facebook life" that is a whitewashed and gilded version of my real life. I don't go in for status symbols. Perfectly content with a reliable rebuilt van and Goodwill clothes, because I don't give a crap what those things "say" about me (or if I do, I like the fact that they say that I'm practical, and I don't give a damn what someone else's value judgment of that statement might be).
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"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
09 Nov 2015, 12:14 am
