Hi Functioning Aspies with a Breakdown in Mid Adulthood?

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Quoting SpacecadetDave

Oh boy, I can identify with this. So no, it is not just you. The problem is, I (we) fabricate an identity which allows us to fit in and be who we are expected to be, and then, the identity becomes one more thing weighing us down. When we finally realize "this is not me, this is not who I am" the revelation is so powerful that it can shake us to our very core. Everyone reacts differently and in greater or lesser degrees to this revelation. But what it amounts to, in my opinion, is taking that knowledge and using it to our best advantage, and above all, extricating ourselves from the false identity. Freeing the real personality to thrive. Finally Being without striving to Be.

Like so many of us diagnosed as adults, it was the breakdown that triggered my diagnosis, and put so much of my history into perspective.

For me, it boils down to an issue of stress management. Because my coping skills are learned skills to which I must dedicate cognitive effort, when I am under stress I am less able to rely upon them. So, for example, last autumn, after moving house and dealing with a lot of money issues around our new financial reality, I had a fairly significant setback. Now, six months later, I have regained many of those skills that I had temporarily lost.

I had a significant career disaster about 5 years ago, which had a great deal to do with my (at that time) undiagnosed ASD. But I have since picked myself back up, returned to the public sector, and am, to greater or lesser extent, back on track.

I have had a diagnosis of HFA/AS since I was 8-10 years old. While not as severe as some of people's experiences on here, I have had a couple of breakdowns and depressive episodes in my life.

Both were caused by major routine changes, with little or no way to escape from them. In both situations, I felt as though I had a little acceptance, recognition and felt a part of something, both events were a reality check that I was just a person with AS. I am kind of in one of these periods right now, even though I feel that I am moving on, finding that "thing" that I find fulfilling, provides recognition from other people and that I feel a part of something has been difficult.

I have also learned from experience that the only thing you can do is to try different things to put you back in the saddle. It can be hard when you are fighting a depressive episode. I have also learned that life runs in cycles. Usually after a depressed time in your life, you find something that is fulfilling and rewarding again.

This is the thing I cannot explain properly to people who haven't gone through this themselves. I can barely explain it to myself within the confines of my own head.

My Doctor has been my Doctor for 27 years. She knows me well. She couldn't understand this.

My sister is a Doctor. Not a psychiatristy, but she is a qualified General Practitioner, a fully qualified aneasthetist, and a qualified A&E/Emergency/trauma doctor (and besides the Medicine, she also has degrees in Nursing Practice, French and Russian language/literature - Yes she is very clever and an over achiever). I tried to explain "The Lie" to her and she just stared at me and said things like "that doesn;t make you ill. Everyone does it to some extent". Even my own sister couldn;t accept the degree that this deception went, and that it had started when I was maybe 5 and just starting school.

If she can;t understand it, and I can;t understand it, then how the hell am I going to get my wife and friends to understand it? What I am asking them (and what I am asking myself, I suppose) is to accept that the person called Dave that they have known doesn;t really exist.

Or is it that Dave does exist but he's locked in my head and he's a bull-shitter? If I'm not me then who am I? If I'm not me then how can those around me see me as the person they;ve known for years?

Surely to have to question your own existence is to stare into the face of madness.

Sorry to sound melodramatic, but I think this is the bit that has pulled the rug from under my feet. Everything else I can either deal with or ignore.

Nope. Actually, you're spot on. I have a friend who is acting as an advocate for me. She's listened to me witter on for six years, and knows my life and thoughts in excruciating detail. She knew my now dead husband, and cleaned the house of the blood smeared around by the police and cats after his suicide.

Anyhow, she's been accompanying me to evaluation sessions by psychotherapists(because I want her to help me negotiate for actual help, not be fobbed off with more "monitoring"). She's pointed out that I present as a lot more together than I am, and it's not because I'm lying.

She knows me well enough to say that they're not asking the right questions, and they're not waiting long enough after the right questions, because just at the point she knows I'd be "launching into one(of my rants)", they move on to the next question.

Worryingly, I wasn't aware of all this. I just know that she's right because I know that I rant a lot about things at her, and she listens!

Quoting SpacecadetDave:

I don't think it's worth the effort to explain this strange phenomenon to anyone who hasn't experienced the same thing, especially friends and family members. It almost puts you in the category of those people who believe they were victims of alien abduction (and who knows, maybe they were ). You will lose credibility. I assume your username is a reflection of how you think or feel or believe you are viewed by others and possibly how you view yourself because you feel alienated from the "real" you.

The same is true for me. I wasn't born Cosmiccat. I grew into that name over a period of sixty odd years. It suits me well and I'm proud of it. I was always "out there" and frankly, it's not such a bad place. Who knows what I could have done if people had stopped trying to reel me in, or if I had not sensed or come to believe, by their words and their actions, that something was inherently "wrong" with me and I had better hide that me and create a new, more acceptable one. Maybe, in the words of Marlin Brando, "I coulda been a contender, I coulda been somebody. Instead I got a one way ticket to Palookaville." Sorry for my little departure, I just wanted to add a little levity.



Nobody knows you like you know yourself. But I think your sister is right, "The Lie" doesn't make you ill. I guess what your sister was saying is it doesn't mean you are autistic. I'm no expert, but I think this double identity thing happens mostly in HFA and when you demonstrate a high level of functioning consistently over a long period of years, who is going to believe you are autistic? Not the average person, not even highly educated average people.



Really, this feeling of being a fake, a bullshitter, unreal, whatever you want to call it, is very much a paradox. And this can seem even more maddening. I don't know about you, but with me it's like even though I feel that I've created myself or that I present a false identity to the world, I am not in the least superficial. I have no facade. Now - how can that be explained, how can that be possible? I'm fake, but I am real at the same time. The fake me and the real me share the same ground rules and adhere to the same set of ethical behavior. The fake me is not a liar and neither is the real me that watches the fake me in action. The real me observes the fake me and cares about the fake me and wishes sometimes that the fake me didn't have to exist and yet, if the fake me didn't exist, how far could the real me go without being rejected by the real world and falling into despair.

I think, in fact I am convinced, that the fake me exists to protect the real me, like a guardian. I know this sounds very much like split personality, but it is not that at all. But try telling everything I have just said to a "professional" who has not done extensive autism research. They will turn a deaf ear. So how can we expect family and friends to understand those of us who have struggled from childhood to fit into a world that baffles us. We fit in because we must, or be trampled underfoot by the mob. So we put on our armour, which is really just a different mindset, not a different personality, and off we go, into the world. We try to think and act like "them" and after many years we become very good at it. So naturally, they scoff.

It's never too late to free the real me or the real you. I think it's best to start small. Drop a little of the fake mindset a little piece at a time. Tell yourself you won't be needing it anymore and then "come out" a little at a time without a big fanfare. Emerge. Try to keep a sense of humor.

Cosmiccat? Make as many departures as you want. You've got the heart of a poet.

When you say that "the fake me exists to protect the real me, like a guardian" you are correct, but possibly not in the way you thought. When I was a child "lunatic", "mental", "mad" and other such epithets for those with differently wired heads were the worst kind of insult. Back in those days a mental problem was something which would see you cast from society into an intitution which would be like a horror story, with nothing to face but any number of chemical castrations and lobotomies (or at least that was the popular belief for thoes of my age).

So the fake Dave took over to protect the real Dave from discovery because the real Dave was smart enough to know something was very, very wrong, and as the years went by I did indeed think it was schizo-typal in some way. It is only since this latest psychiatrist wrong-footed Fake-Dave and his carefully rehearsed scripting and saw what was behind that I have realised that the two different voices in my head are the same person. Like a duet sung by a single artist.

While I've been hit by a huge wave of relief that I'm not a window licking nut job, this lack of identity has left me numb and confused. Not confused about what has gone before - I see that with the analycical clarity that this condition brings to such thing - but confused as to what comes next. It is a step into the unknown for which I cannot plan - and given my condition the unknown is something that hits me like a block of ice.

And I'm scared. Fake-Dave was the guy who could stand up to bullies (oh boy, he had some fights). He was the one who could talk to girls. He was the bravest, funniest, most larger than life friend that anyone could ever have. I find the thought of real-Dave making it by himself very very scary.

(See? Schizo-typal! No wonder I kept my mouth shut all these years.)

Or is all this just me again?

WOW...I could write an encyclopedia-length post regarding all that everyone has said. Let's just say that I can TOTALLY relate to all of this, except for the fact that I have never had a "real" job and that the "fake me" only existed from 2006-2009.

While I wish that everyone else wasn't suffering like I am, at least it's a bit reassuring to know I'm not the only one going through this. I hope we can all eventually find a way to be OK with who we are!

This is so very true. Thank you for communicating it so clearly.
And then, in addition, there is the construction of multiple identities as a compensatory measure, as opposed to just one - which highlights why there are a proportion of women and men with ASD's who, in adulthood, are misdiagnosed with personality disorders. the personality disorders may be there...but they are more a case of echopraxia and mimicry than true personality disorder presentation. A good clinician understands this.
I am often reminded of Geoffrey Rush's brilliant depiction of Peter Sellers in a recent bio of Sellers' life.

I agree that a late dx and a true re-evaluation and restructuring of one's life in accordance with a CORRECT diagnosis, (as opposed to a focus on the co-morbids, whether they be anxiety, depression or PD's etc.) can actually do a lot to circumvent future breakdown and fabricated identity cycles. That is my experience personally. Living in accordance with who and what I am is the key, and working with the profound assets and limitations of my ASD on a daily basis is really a process of self-knowledge and grounding that is possible. It does not mean life is always easy, but it does mean it is relieved of the burdens that come with trying to fit where it is simply impossible to do so.

I am relieved to find something I can relate to in this way. I have been trying to understand for a long time what caused my breakdown about 12 years ago (I'm 36 now) when I was just about to finish a MSc in computer science (I did finish it, but with difficulties).

To make a long story short, I was bullied a lot in school, even at the university. Looking forward to moving on and get a job, I couldn't understand why I suddenly developed extreme fatigue and stomach-related problems. It seemed like such an injustice that when I was finally about to enjoy life I couldn't because of something else.

I sought a lot of medical advise for my condition but noone could find anything wrong with me (they labeled it Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which often is the case if they don't find anything). I spent a lot of time in bed, slept 10-12 hours per day and tried a lot of alternative medicine to get better. Not much helped.

I had suspected some kind of PTSD from the bullying, but reading this thread I realize it could very well be the fact that I had tried to compensate all my life, trying to act NT, that finally got too much for me (a couple of stressful things happened to me at the time, that I had problems dealing with).

What did help me at the time was to start working and get regular habits, eat more healthy food and exercising. That has slowly helped me to get back on track, but I still miss that clear thinking and optimism I had before the breakdown.

I'll definitely get that book mentioned in the thread.

Your story is missing the parts of how you coped through school and university. I would suspect that many people who have reported breakdowns have probably experienced mini episodes before. Could these breakdowns have a relationship with the meltdowns that practically everyone on the spectrum reports experiencing?

Autistic children are known to have difficulty in their bowel movements. It may very well be that you were able to compensate for the autism until the stress of doing so pushed your system over the edge and the effects hit with full force.

Good question. Of course there can have been some sort of mini episodes before, but I mostly recall my stress levels being on a constant high. The bullying was not of the physical kind (except for a few episodes) instead it consisted of ostracism, name calling, teasing. Being highly sensitive I took things to heart that others might just ignore.

The end result was that I built up a tension inside that could very well be the cause of my physical problems later on.

After the breakdown I got a lot better at recognizing what stressed me out and what did not, and this caused me to feel relaxed and almost immune to stress during my first working years. The downside is that it has made it more difficult for me to get in touch with my emotions.

I constantly work on getting to know myself and finding this site has been a part in the puzzle.

I don't know how I can compare myself here.

I had a very traumatic experience at 18. Knew nothing of AS, and I can't say I had a "breakdown" but the emotional scars from that event has pretty much poisoned my life since that day. It's taken years for me to overcome much of the baggage it saddled me with.

When I tried to make something of my life, I kept failing. Again, some of it was lingering garbage from that event, much of it was AS (which I didn't know about).

I had my "mid life crisis" at 30. I decided I only really cared about being happy, and a career was not going to be the key to my happiness. The problem is that opportunities to make something of myself keep passing me by. As I get older, I can't offer any "accomplishments" to make me more attractive than the younger people who are more career focused and are not hurt as severely by a lack of experience.

I turned 40 a couple years back, and I silently resigned myself to the fact that short of a miracle, I can't expect any great opportunities to fall into my lap. In this job market/economy, the good jobs are so very few and far between.

When I was focused on a career I wanted (but was never allowed to obtain), I was fairly on my game. Since accepting the game is pretty much over, I'm having more and more problems processing, finishing projects, etc. I would call it depression, but it's more like burnout.

I suspect that the symptoms of AS can be compensated for only so much, and that depends on being motivated to do so. A nervous breakdown, burnout, etc. simply sucks away the willpower to devote the amount of energy needed to overcome and be competitive.

I hope it's not permanent.

No offense is intended, but what you are saying sounds like something that your therapist told you. Since there is no cure for autism, therapy is quite useless although it can be comforting to have someone to talk to. However, it does seem like an expensive way to pay for companionship. If you are autistic – and perhaps the best way to gauge is to see if the things that are said by other autistic individuals resonate – you will want to try and understand this condition on your own terms.

Many people on the spectrum experience what we call meltdowns. I would go so far as to say that if you do not understand what a meltdown is then you are not autistic. A meltdown is actually very similar to a minor breakdown and it is often accompanied by disruptions to bodily functions and cycles like bowel movements and the circadian rhythm. When a meltdown occurs sleep can become difficult and the pain experienced is amorphously distributed but real much like the pain expressed by deeply autistic individuals. Then it goes away.

My suspicion is that many people who are reporting nervous breakdowns have actually had numerous meltdown episodes before that they ignored. Could that be part of the reason why neural collapse occurred?

Really?
I have not before realised that these are related to the AS. Its just always been a part of my life.
I have associated the mental overload effects with AS but not the physical effects. Very informative.
Thanks

-Back to your normal scheduled program-

it isn't related to autism directly; it just hits autistics harder. A typical child with constipation may be a little more cranky; an autistic one might shut down entirely.