BERNARD TISMAN'S STORIES

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THE DAY I WAS CHASED BY A PAIR OF LEGS



One day as I was walking down the street I was chased by a pair of legs, that belonged to themselves, no one else. The legs then kicked me into the road and I landed on top of a car, hitting it so hard that I made a hole in the roof. The driver saw me and shouted:

"Get out of my car, you've made a hole in the roof you vandal."

I immediately got out of the car, but, as I was trying to get back onto the pavement the legs that kicked me into the road returned and kicked me again, so hard that I shot right up into the sky and landed on a cloud, but I soon crashed back down to Earth, but in doing so I hit the road so hard that I made a hole in the road and went straight through it, landing into the sewer down below.

A giant rat, about 20 foot long spotted me and I started to run then flew back up into the road above.

Just when I thought all was safe the giant rat came up into the street from the sewer and tried to jump on me, but I managed to fly up into the air and land on top of a pork pie tree, but in doing so knocked all the pork pies off and they all died.

The rat that chased me earlier on started to eat the pork pies that fell off a tree, but there was competition, for the legs that chased me earlier on suddenly lunged at the rat and tried to kick it as the rat was busy eating the pork pies that fell off a tree, for the legs, not only the rat wanted to eat the pork pies, but the 20 foot long rat won.

All of a sudden the pork pie tree that lost it's pies when I crashed straight onto it suddenly came to life and started to attack me for it wanted revenge for what I did to it's pork pies, causing them to fall right onto the ground soon after I crashed straight onto the tree itself.

The pork pie tree went absolutely mad. It even threw itself at a parked car and kicked it up into the sky. The car landed on top of a baby tree and killed it.

Whilst all this mayhem was going on I managed to get straight back into my own home, but, just as I thought that the danger was over, a tree flew at my bedroom window and crashed straight through it, then flew into my bedroom. The tree, the same pork pie tree in which I landed onto as I flew up into the air to escape the giant rat, jumped on top of me and pinned me down. I screamed and the screams brought the carers up who then opened up my flat and were shocked to see a tree attacking me. They had to call the police. They came and with guns fought off the mad tree that was attacking me, but the tree attacked the police officers. They managed to pin it down and freeze it so it shouldn't attack them anymore.

The mad tree was put down and the danger was over.

The giant 20 foot long rat that chased me earlier on went straight back into the sewer.

THE DAY I WAS CHASED BY A PAIR OF LEGS




One day as I was walking down the street I was chased by a pair of legs, that belonged to themselves, no one else. The legs then kicked me into the road and I landed on top of a car, hitting it so hard that I made a hole in the roof. The driver saw me and shouted:

"Get out of my car, you've made a hole in the roof you vandal."

I immediately got out of the car, but, as I was trying to get back onto the pavement the legs that kicked me into the road returned and kicked me again, so hard that I shot right up into the sky and landed on a cloud, but I soon crashed back down to Earth, but in doing so I hit the road so hard that I made a hole in the road and went straight through it, landing into the sewer down below.

A giant rat, about 20 foot long spotted me and I started to run then flew back up into the road above.

Just when I thought all was safe the giant rat came up into the street from the sewer and tried to jump on me, but I managed to fly up into the air and land on top of a pork pie tree, but in doing so knocked all the pork pies off and they all died.

The rat that chased me earlier on started to eat the pork pies that fell off a tree, but there was competition, for the legs that chased me earlier on suddenly lunged at the rat and tried to kick it as the rat was busy eating the pork pies that fell off a tree, for the legs, not only the rat wanted to eat the pork pies, but the 20 foot long rat won.

All of a sudden the pork pie tree that lost it's pies when I crashed straight onto it suddenly came to life and started to attack me for it wanted revenge for what I did to it's pork pies, causing them to fall right onto the ground soon after I crashed straight onto the tree itself.

The pork pie tree went absolutely mad. It even threw itself at a parked car and kicked it up into the sky. The car landed on top of a baby tree and killed it.

Whilst all this mayhem was going on I managed to get straight back into my own home, but, just as I thought that the danger was over, a tree flew at my bedroom window and crashed straight through it, then flew into my bedroom. The tree, the same pork pie tree in which I landed onto as I flew up into the air to escape the giant rat, jumped on top of me and pinned me down. I screamed and the screams brought the carers up who then opened up my flat and were shocked to see a tree attacking me. They had to call the police. They came and with guns fought off the mad tree that was attacking me, but the tree attacked the police officers. They managed to pin it down and freeze it so it shouldn't attack them anymore.

The mad tree was put down and the danger was over.

The giant 20 foot long rat that chased me earlier on went straight back into the sewer.

THE MAN WHO PLAYED FOOTBALL WITH A HUMAN HEAD



Once upon a time there was a man who took my head off and played football with it. I was left with no head so couldn’t see very well. Not only that, snakes also popped out of my body from where my head should be – snakes where my head should be.
The footballer did kick the head round the football pitch, and when the head reached the goalpost it jumped up the goalkeeper’s chest and bit him. The mad head was biting chunks out of the goalkeeper’s chest and a couple of footballers came to the rescue but the head flew into a rage and attacked the footballers, biting and spitting at them. Nothing could stop the mad head, my head of course until a man pulled it off and kicked it around the pitch.

The mad human head which bit the goalkeeper even went for a football that it saw at the far end of the pitch. It chased the football.
The football tried to run but was caught and set upon by the mad human head. The head bit it all over and blood poured out of the football.
The ball was so badly mauled that it had to be taken to hospital and have an operation.
Because of the injuries that were inflicted on the football by a human head that went berserk and bit it doctors warned that the football would have to now retire from being kicked in a game of football because if anyone kicked the football it could die from blood loss.

And the snakes that were popping out of the top of my body where my head should be, they were too dealt with. I got sent to King Fisher Hospital and operated on by a surgeon, who pulled out the snakes and gave me a new head, but no sooner than they gave me a new head it fell off and I had to do without a head for the rest of my life.
However help came on the was when a pair of buttocks started to sprout from the top of my body, giving me a butt face.

THE FLUSHABLE IPHONE



A new type of Mobile phone which can be flushed down the toilet when the batteries run out has gone on sale in Britain's shops.
Because, by flushing it down the toilet it help's the batteries to recharge.

This is the first case of it's kind of a mobile phone that can be charged up by flushing it down the toilet.

Once the batteries are fully charged up after it's been flushed down the toilet the Iphone come's to the surface and pop's out of the toilet bowl.
Although, covered in dung the phone is now ready for use, but, remember to clean off the dung otherwise the phone will blow up and burst.

After all who would want to use a smelly phone?

The flushable Iphone is made by a firm called Apple Sauce.

i love these stories.

i haven't read them all but so far my favorites are
THE LOLLIPOP MAN WHO SHOT CARS
and
THE DAY I WAS CHASED BY A PAIR OF LEGS

FISH AND CHIPS EATEN THE MOST ODD WAY


One Friday one of the residents came down to the dining room to have his fish and chips. Unfortunately there were no plates available so he had to make do with having to use another man's head as a dinner plate. To do this he had to take off the man's head and put it on the table. The fish and chips were then poured onto this head and eaten, not with knife and fork, but with a pair of scissors.

The other resident was left without a head, that was until the man sitting next to him finished his fish and chips. Once done the head that was used as a dinner plate was then fixed back onto the other man's body. Now was his turn to have his dinner. This meant that he had to borrow the support worker's head and use it as a dinner plate, leaving her headless, but only for a few minutes, but once the man had finished his meal the support worker's head was then given back to her ready to be re - attached; this was done by the manager Bob Nut, who then glued it back onto her body, but the head sprouted wings and flew off her body. The head then went mad and whizzed around the dining room, knocking tables and chairs over. The head even flew up to the ceiling and gnawed through one of the lights and a load of broken glass crashed down to the floor.

All of a sudden the head which jumped off the support worker's body flew into the office and gnawed away at the computer. So severe was the desktop computer's injuries that it bled to death.
The human head had killed it.

Bob Nut, the support home's manager had to call the police to deal with the mad human head. They threw stink bombs at the head, but created a horrible smell which made everyone run out of the building, unaware that the head which flew off a woman's body was following them.

The support worker, Rose Toast, had to be helped out of the building due to the fact that she had no head, for the head flew off her body when it sprouted wings. She just had to grow a new head,but this could take up to a year. During this time she wouldn't be able to work, because without a head you can't see.

Staff and residents had to remain outside until the smell caused by throwing stink bombs at a mad human head to control it died away.

The only person left behind in the building was of cause the human head itself.

Just when everyone thought it was safe the human head (It belonged to one of the support workers) suddenly broke down the door and came out into the car park. The head went mad and kicked everyone's head off. Now a load of heads started whizzing all over the place bashing each other in mid air. They shot right down the street and smashed right into a bus, knocking it over. The bus died instantly. The driver, Stephen Bug, got out of the dead bus, together with the passengers but were attacked by the mob of human heads.

Suddenly the heads flew back down the street then flew back onto their owners' bodies, even the support worker's own head.

The reign of terror was now over.

THE MAN WHO BROKE A PLATE



Kevin Nobody was washing up one night when, ?all of a sudden the plate fell out of his hand and landed, ?Smack, Right on the floor shattering into many fragments. He managed to use a dustpan, but the fluff in the pan suddenly flew up to to his face causing him to sneeze, so hard that it caused a powerful tremor.
In fact the force was so powerful that the cupboards burst open and all the crockery flew out landing, smack, on the floor, with the result that they all got broken, shattering into a load of fragments all over the kitchen floor. In fact some of the broken pieces of plates ,cups and saucers flew into the dining room. Meanwhile, outside, People walking to their flats got thrown to the ground in the corridor due to the powerful tremor caused by a man sneezing so hard. The carer, Edna Plate, went up to investigate to see what it was all about. As she walked into the man?s flat she saw a load of broken crockery on the floor as well as knives, forks and spoons, but as she tried to piece together what it was all about the man started to sneeze, so powerful that Edna plate got thrown right across the room.
?You, you?ve gone too far this time. I know what I am going to do, I am going to call the police. I?m afraid I can?t take it anymore, with you sneezing like that, you blew me across the room. You?re just a dangerous person who should be locked away.?
The police came, bundled the sneezer into the a van and drove off to a prison where the man got locked up for 50 years. His crime: Sneezing dangerously with the force of an earthquake. By the time the man was released from jail he was returned to his flat, but his carer Edna Plate had shrunk to only two inches tall due to advanced age.

THE DAY A MAN MOVED HOUSE‏


One day Simon Sandwich moved into a supported living home but couldn?t part with his old house so he decided that it was best for him to bring his old house with him and take it with him into his new flat. This way he would remain in his original home, but at the same time live in his new flat.

The man?s cousin got hold of the house and lifted it up into the removal van.
On arrival the new tenant was given his old house and packed it away inside his wardrobe. This meant, that at night he would take it out and sleep inside it.

He not only brought his old house with him, even the street where he used to live. However, this annoyed other householders who lived down the same street ? the street where Simon used to live, for they found that their street had been stolen. This only came to light when one of the house owners stepped outside the street door and found that their street had gone, so they went to the police to say that one of their original neighbours had stolen their street when they moved house.

Eventually the police tracked down the place where the street had been moved to ? the tenant?s new home. There, they searched the whole block until they found the flat where the stolen street was being stored.

The police broke down the door, opened the wardrobe and found the missing street, together with the house which the man had taken with him to his new flat.

?I?m afraid we?re going to charge you with the theft of a street.
You left householders without a street. Not only that, you stole one of the houses.?

The manager was shocked when she found out that one of the new tenants of Quinton Lodge had had taken his old house with him when he moved in, which mean?s that he stole it from the street where he used to live, together with the street.


The burglary of a part of the town ? the theft of a street, resulted in having to move the man to a care home where the staff would watch over him all the time to make sure that he didn?t steal other peoples? bedrooms, let alone landmarks of any town.

THE THREE COURSE MEAL AT SPECTRUM HOUSE DAY CENTRE‏



A man had ordered a three course meal, but had to carry the entire three course set on his head as no trays were available, but this could burn him, so to protect his head he to was given a tea towel by one of the staff which he would put on top of his head.

Because he had to carry his entire three course meal set on his head, soup, main course and afters there was the real danger that it could all fall off his head whilst making his way to the pay desk, so he had to hold them up with his hands and how hot it was.

After he had paid the man got one of the staff to carry the three course meal to the table, using a carrier dog - a dog carrying a three course meal on it's back to the table.

There, in front of the man was a reserved table, reserved for members of Micky Den Day Centre.

As the man was about to tuck in to his grub something moved. It was the meat on his plate. It started to scream as the man was about cut it up with the knife. In fact, it was alive, and, to make matters worse, a piece of the meat jumped up to his face and bit him. He let out a yell, this frightened the dinner. The dinner tried to escape, but couldn't because it was dead.

Ann Ketchup, the woman who was running the Micky Den group on the table had to summon one of the cooks about the meat that went mad and bit one of it's members.

Apparently the meat wasn't slaughtered properly in the a abattoir, but was safe to eat, the only trouble being that that the meat was disturbed by the man slicing it with a knife and it bit him.

The mad meat had to be incinerated so it shouldn't attack anyone else.

In compensation the man had his dinner changed.
The chef brought along to him another meal to make up for the mayhem that was caused by a rogue dinner.

The incident described above wasn't the only disaster for there was the case of the man - eating potatoes discovered on a plate as a day centre user was trying to eat his dinner.
What happened was that, as the user was trying to eat his meal the potatoes turned on him and devoured him. The man - eating potatoes then went on the rampage gobbling everyone up, staff included.

All hell broke loose as person after person was devoured by the carnivorous potatoes. The potatoes then burst into the manager's office, but as she tried to defend herself they turned on her and ate her.
Before long the centre was completely devoid of people.
The man - eating potatoes had devoured them all, the whole lot of them.

At 3pm it was time for the day centre users to go home. The driver had to ring the bell on the door, but got no answer, but, just as he was about to get out his mobile phone and make a call the man - eating potatoes, burst though the window and started top chase him. Ina mad rush he got on the bus and slammed the door as the potatoes were trying to barge their way in and drove off, with the potatoes following him. All of a sudden the mad potatoes smashed their way into the bus through the window and devoured the driver. As a result the bus crashed. Luckily one of the police happened to be walking down the street. He got out his gun and tried to kill the man - eating potatoes, but they went for him just the same and made a meal of him. Luckily the school kids happened to be coming out of school as it was home time for they witnessed the man - eating potatoes gobbling up the policeman and had to call the army on their mobiles, but, before they could do anything the potatoes started to chase them and ran like mad, but, unfortunately the man - eating potatoes pounced on one of the kids and ate him.
In a mad rush the rest of them ran out into Woodford Avenue. Luckily the army was there. They got out their machine guns as the potatoes tried to eat the pupils and opened fire, but even the guns were no match for the army. The potatoes pounced them and in no time the entire army had been eaten. The school kids then ran like mad and got on the bus in a scramble to get away from the man - eating potatoes. The potatoes then went for someone else.

The bus driver had to drive as fast as possible in a desperate rush to get away from the man - eating potatoes.

The driver had to phone the army and police and a curfew was applied where everyone had to remain indoors and not allowed out on the streets until the potatoes were caught and killed before they could eat anyone else.

Once indoors the street door had to be locked and furniture put against the door so that the man - eating potatoes couldn't burst into the house and gobble up the occupants.

The was one weapon that could kill the man - eating potatoes - an barbaric acid bomb.

The acid bombs were dropped from police helicopters and in an instant killed the potatoes.

The reign of terror was over.

The mad scientist who was responsible for creating and engineering the man - eating potatoes got sent to prison for 50,000 years.

ASPIE VILLAGE, THE ASPERGER'S WEBSITE, IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE


I have been searching for Aspie Village which is a website and forum for Aspergers, but all I get is the message:

"Hmm, we can't reach this page".

I don't know what's happened to Aspie Village, but it look's like it has gone out of existence.

I have loads of stories written in Aspie Village, but the website is now impossible to find.

I searched for Aspie Village and it seems to be up and running:

http://aspievillage.uk/

I've only been a member here for a few months, and this is the first time I've seen your stories. They are fantastic, and really well written. You have a great imagination and sense of humour.