My nt-as marriage

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I really wish you the best of luck... your statistic about 20% of AS-NT marriages is discouraging (I'm married to a wonderful NT who, while he does lose his patience with me, is a saint)....

Question-- when you were together, did you ever spend time apart? I only ask because what seems to have kept us glued together through serious meltdowns, his alcoholism, deployments/separation anxiety, etc is that when we're apart, he can sort of re-group... he could have some time away from the obnoxious parts of me and remember what it was that he loved. I travel frequently for work, but otherwise he'll go away with his friends or vice versa. It really helps. We separated for a bit when he went to rehab for drinking and almost divorced, but those months apart made him realize everything he was missing (and the same went for me).

Your wife saying those things is really an excellent sign

yes will set up a blog... i was thinking that.. i tell you this is the hardest journey I have ever been on... all our savings are gone but I have to hold onto hope

Last edited by ozman on 19 Jul 2012, 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

[quote="Echo1030"]I really wish you the best of luck... your statistic about 20% of AS-NT marriages is discouraging (I'm married to a wonderful NT who, while he does lose his patience with me, is a saint)....

Question-- when you were together, did you ever spend time apart? I only ask because what seems to have kept us glued together through serious meltdowns, his alcoholism, deployments/separation anxiety, etc is that when we're apart, he can sort of re-group... he could have some time away from the obnoxious parts of me and remember what it was that he loved. I travel frequently for work, but otherwise he'll go away with his friends or vice versa. It really helps. We separated for a bit when he went to rehab for drinking and almost divorced, but those months apart made him realize everything he was missing (and the same went for me).

Your wife saying those things is really an excellent sign [/quote
we did spend some time apart in our relationship so that is not why we have issues

its been a month time to update this forum.. my blog has more info...

Still in limbo land with wife yet to decide if she wants to save marriage...

We are going away in late sept on a holiday as "friends" and this I think will be a big influence..

She has moved into the investment house and is loving it. i have told her I would move into the smaller house in a second... i know she has no desire to return to the family home and that is fine by me...

I went to an AS support group earlier this week and got tremendous validation from a visiting clinical psychologist.
Our relationship can be repaired IF AND ONLY IF my wife recognises that she has to change also. I am changing and its up to her...

On the negative I am feeling depressed about the poor access I have to my son, one night a week at most and a couple of afternoon visits is all I get. But I will fight this if things don't work out between us..

I thought i would feel a bit better after a month but unfortunately I seem to be tail spinning into a depressive state as I miss my wife and son even more. A friend stays with me on weekends so I am not alone. This dark feeling is not good.

Thankfully I have a counsellors appointment next week

We're still with you, ozman. I've added a comment to the parenting post in your blog.

I'm glad you got something positive from the psychologist. Good luck in your counselor's appointment.

thanks for your ongoing support mindswithoutwalls and others on forum

It has now been over 12 months since my wife left me claiming I have aspergers. I now realise that I most certainly do not. Sure I have some personality traits that people with aspergers have, but I do not have asd. It was simply her way of placing a label on me to get out of the marriage .

I have met someone else who says I have the best communication ever and she has said repeatedly not to change anything about me....

My ex wife has a very strong personality and in the end she crushed me and I retreated into myself, forcing me to exhibit asd like behaviours,,,,

Are you referring to a new friend or someone closer? If you're happy, then I'm happy for you.

I'm very sorry that things went so badly for you before. If your wife was unkind, that's truly sad.

As far as the ASD goes, I really don't know. I don't know you, and I'm not aware of whether or not you've ever been professionally assessed. All I can tell you is that I communicate much more effectively with some people than with others, and I think my sensitivity helps me. I have good people around me these days, and they aren't clamoring for me to change. But I've also been officially diagnosed with Asperger's. I'm not arguing one way or the other about you. But I would say that what your ex wife said and why should never be the final word on anything about you. Some people might like to use an "accusation" of ASD against someone they don't get along with for whatever reason. That has no bearing on whether or not that person actually is on the spectrum. I hope you won't let your problems with your ex taint your view of the spectrum or unduly influence your perspective about yourself, one way or the other. Maybe you really aren't on the spectrum. In any case, you're a human being, and you deserve to be treated as such.

As always, I wish you luck and happiness.

Someone closer... Someone more like me,... Don't get me wrong .. I have absolute respect for people with asd.. I most certainly share some of the traits for sure...but the thing I have realised is that people with my wife's personality type bring out the asd like traits in me ... And I will not allow that to happen ever again..
Thank you for your support and best wishes... Will post from time to time...


I have been going to an aspie support group... Will continue when convenient because I like to help people who have a lot more social issues than me.

I should add that my x keeps telling me constantly that I should tell my new gf that i have aspergers.. My counsellor says why should you... I have never been diagnosed.. Think I will take the professional advice...

All my previous relationships have been with these strong assertive extrovert women.... I kept making the same mistakes and they brought out in time a lot of my negative traits... Never ever again ....

Ouch. Just... ouch. I don't think your ex even realizes how much she's insulting all of us. This assumption that ASD makes you an unfit spouse is just hurtful, and absolutely untrue.

I guess you'll eventually tell your current girlfriend about how your last relationship ended; how your wife claimed you had Asperger's, but you've had a proper evaluation and it turned out that you never did to begin with. It's likely that you are simply an introvert, and your ex trying to force you to be more extroverted caused you to get overloaded. A healthy relationship (with or without Asperger's) is a matter of give and take. It's not one partner trying to change the other partner to suit them.

It's cool that you're going to an AS support group. You might not have ASD, but there are a lot of people like you who are on the borders of the spectrum, with a few traits, and it's nice to have an interpreter who's mid-way between the groups. Your basic introvert shares a lot of traits with the spectrum, such as thinking deeply, having small numbers of close friends, and being very sensitive to the outside world.

Good luck with everything.

Callista ... I am an introvert .. Istj ..your words describe perfectly how I feel...

And I should add that my new gf thinks like me, and in so many ways is me... Unlike all my previous relationships

Well, dong something different is a good way to try to get a different result. Hasn't it been said that doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result, is the definition of insanity? So, I think getting a different kind of girlfriend is a good move for you. And what you tell her about yourself, and when, is your choice to make, not your ex's. It's a matter between you and this new person in your life, so your ex gets no say in it. Getting to make personal comments about your choices is for someone who genuinely wants to be a loving part of your life, and your ex deliberately gave that up.

I'll be happy to see your posts here any time. I'm glad things are looking up for you!