Autism And The Lost Plane

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Sadly,yes. from cumulative concussions, and it is almost unbearable to face.. I have written about it a couple of times on WP. I had a lot of falls on the head as I am sun blind and they didn't have sun glasses for children then, plus was battered on the head once with a toy gun---they were metal back then-- and one big concussion from falling off a cliff when I was twelve. That is the one that put me over the edge. it doesn't affect my writing or thinking, except maybe the repetitive aspect in my writing, but a lot of that stuff I edit out. But the length and style of my writing is deliberately developed.

I am still smart---I got an A minus in calculus in college (though I think that is pretty easy for someone to do). but I used to be a lot smarter. I know this because I had a flashback of myself sitting on the bus before the accident and I saw my brain at that time for a second or two and it was was a lot different then then it is now. I was a little female Einstein though at the time didn't know it, but now I am not, Still smart, though. It is very disturbing to write about this, but it is my fault because I brought it up. The fasct thast I did have the flashback has given me hope that someday I may be able to recover my lost brain function. Obviously I could not have the flashback unless there was still the potential for my brain to work in that way. In the last few years I have had maybe of couple of instanceswhere my brain started to work that way again but only barely and for a few seconds.. I do think I am getting smarter, though..

I said that kind out of frustration with this one person's messages as I was very tired, and so decided to play the brain damage card,,,plus I wondered what W would say---and she responded immediately in 'good form.' And I notice naturalplastic got a lot more articulate after I wrote that, which is interesting.

Re the party on this thread yesterday, if it could be called that, sometimes people need to let go and just hang loose, but in the future I will structure my material better, as that is not what I am looking for on my threads.And to naturalplastic, I think you got really carried away, but I will think about what you said in your last message and get back to you later, maybe.

To the people who are afraid of riding airplanes, I am afraid, too, though I know the statistics very well, and I also don't like to ride on the freeway because of these statistics, though sometimes I do. Life can be very scary in many ways.

Sorry to hear of your injuries littlebee. I sense from your posts that you are highly intelligent (if that doesn't sound patronising) but that you have problems with communication for various reasons, some of which are not clear. Anyway, I wish you well and hope you find whatever it is you are looking for in these communications.

Its like a train that will go many places, but never reach a specific destination. More like thinking for thinking's sake.

You just might not understand that when you board the train.

Thanks. I am getting a lot out of being here, and I hope at least some people get something out of participating with me.

Writing about the brain damage just now was a big thing for me. The last time I wrote about it several months ago I had to stop because it was so unpleasant. Maybe that's why I said that last night, because I wanted to talk about it. I don't think so, but who knows.

When I was taking a bath just now and washing my hair I was thinking about what I have been through and what other people here may have been through. Each person's individual experience around various trauma is so unique, and no one knows about the experience of anyone else. Sometimes the person who has been through it doesn't even know....and sometimes it may not even be good to know. I would like to write about that sometime.

It's not your fault, and I'm really glad you asked, though I didn't expect it, but writing this has kind of plunged me into grief, and I have to go to work soon, but maybe will be able to work something through because of it. It must have been always underneath or it couldn't just come up like this. I don't know if I should try to feel it or snap out of it. Am very resilient, actually. Think I will opt for the latter if possible, as I have already felt enough.

Warm wishes to you Little Bee. Perhaps it was really good for you to write about it and allow yourself to process it. I hope it brings you much healing.

I love this message. Imo it's always good to bring a train into the picture:-) However, when a person has thunk himself into a box it is this thinking that can keep him in that box but also thinking that can help him figure the way out. Problem is these two kind of thinking get mixed together.

And for NobodyKnows, if the people watching the news on week three about looking for the lost plane are just doing it because they care about finding the people (who are obviously dead after week two), then I venture to guess it is probably about something else. But if they know it is about something else, then that does open a door. Also, an interesting thought (to me at least) is that the people who are looking for one reason are together with the people who are looking for another reason, such as interest from a technical angle, but these both of these people are looking at the same thing together, this can create an electromagnetic amplification affect.I suppose this could be looked at from the angle of Hooke's law, which is kind of interesting, so thanks.

p.s. I am feeling a lot better after writing this message. It helped me breathe.

I am glad you are feeling better.

Jeez, make it really hard for me to be sorry I spoke up to you!
I suspect that many of your problems are caused by your nature, not your brain injuries, but I also feel bad that you had such a hard life. I'm sure you don't care, but nonetheless.

I did get a bit carried away.

Sorry about that.

Thanks for your message. Am still catching breaths, but what is interesting is until I started catching the deep breaths, kind of like releasing a deep shudder, was not aware that my breath was choked up and stuck. Before that I just felt extreme grief in my chest. Cannot go any further with this right now this right now, but the grief was not about the brain damage per se, but when I taking the bath, thinking about the brain damage brought up other childhood associations and even then I felt okay till I started writing about it.

I guess a lot of people feel this way about the trauma they have suffered and how much better they are doing now. If it works (is kind of working now) don't try to fix it. Makes sense, but I will have to further examine this premise regarding myself and my own past experience.

Wow...well everything I wrote that I experienced and am experiencing is completely true, but this does give me a new perspective about playing cards:-)

(some grief still left in chest...)

another big shudder but this time followed by a delighted whimper of relief...so please lets get back to the 'hate'...that's what I know and feel comfortable with...

_____________ (insert name)......DRUM ROLL>>>>$$$! !! !!

Gosh!

Sounds like a real catharsis. That can be good.

You seem like a sweet person.

On the web you cant always tell who you're talking to. And I had the impression that you were a young person- a fuzzy minded kid. So it seemed appropriate to give you a little tough coaching. Tougher than I would talk to an older person. Dont take it personally.

(edited message with comment about Hooke's theory added at the very end...)

Well, thanks for the sympathy naturalplastic. If I shared all of my thoughts about our entire interaction that culminated from reading your message it would be too much for me right now as I am flooded with grief, though not quite as bad as yesterday, thankfully, not from reading your message, but from just now having found the second of two messages I wrote about my brain damage.

Let me respond point by point to this, though, as it will distract me from the grief, and then I have to finish my tax preparation which is quite unpleasant and always causes much anxiety, though it should be simple, and then go to the tax guy.


No, I did not have a "real catharsis" because some associations around my brain damage made in the bathtub triggered some very painful memories of my childhood which filled me with grief and then fortunately was able to distract myself and lighten up and take a few deep breaths. I am having trouble breathing now, by the way, after reading the brain damage message I am about to post a link to. (And unusual, as I basically almost never have any trouble breathing. All of this is very rare for me. It is interesting though very unpleasant, and I have a lot of pondering to do about the dynamics of why this came when I was in the bathtub thinking about this stuff. Maybe water had something to do with it).

Sweet as sugar:-)???


hmmm...so you give less touch coaching when talking to talking to a fuzzy minded older person than to a fuzzy minded younger person? What if I find your thinking fuzzy minded and you are much younger than me? Should I give you tougher with you?

And yes, you can't always tell who you are talking to.

(edited to say I just found out I made a mistake and my tax appt isn't even today but in two more days. Fortunately I called the secretary because I didn't get the reminder call I always get on the same day. Interesting how having more--or less-- time changes everything, the entire dynamic. You, or at least I, can feel things stretch or unstretch---interesting the guy who noticed this was named Hooke. Actually many people probably noticed it before him, just did not make a theory about it.)

Last edited by littlebee on 31 Mar 2014, 1:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks or everyone including and especially naturalplastic and also the mods for trying to communicate with me, but everyone. It all fits together and I really value it. Personally I think in some ways the value of communication can override specific topics as it can interconnect many insights and generate new insights like a ray of sun burning through the clouds that shines on the original topic and even all topics, and yes, that is cathartic.

Here is the second message when I spoke about my brain damage. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp5529722.html#5529722

Actually when looking at it now, I did read the thing very fast and not just glance at it as I wrote to naturalplastic, and then my whole chest area filled up with grief like a tank being filled up with water very fast, though it didn't fill all the way to the top, thankfully, but very far up, enough to immediately impair breath...and there is a second message on that same page where I talk about my brain damage some more, but I did not really read that yet.
I don't think realizing I have brain damage in itself has much of anything to do with the grief response. I am still pretty smart and have known I am brain damaged for years, though only began to face it about a year or two ago.

I was really curious, if you don't mind me asking, is this self diagnosed brain damage, or did a doctor tell you?

littlebee wrote:

Sorry I have not had time to write on here.There was confusion on this thread and I take some responsibility for that, but a lot of communication and sorting out of stuff also seemed to be happening. I am still asking myself why I put Dexter into the opening message and thought it would work when it didn't, but did it really not work out? And none of this confusion was deliberately intended. I genuinely thought people would get the juxtaposition, and that it was about time, but that was apparently making too big a stretch. Still thinking about that and still watching Dexter.

Re the temporary lapse or, better put, sudden plunge into deep grief, am perfectly fine now because I am not on that tape, thankfully, though even talking about it starts to bring it back, so I have to be careful. It is amazing how fast something can swell up in a person's body. Am starting to have trouble catching my breath a bit just by writing about this. This happened right now during editing. The passage below I already wrote before this started to happen again.

---------

What happened to me in the bathtub was I started to remember something very bad that happened to me when I was age five, and in the tub I was literally screaming out loud no no no when an image came up and I have still not quite remembered though yesterday at work it came up more, and then the fact that I am brain damaged and/or think/feel I am (depending upon whose interpretation and probing) plays into it and the tone and color of the entire sequence of memories and associations brought up this big swelling up of grief. I still do not know why. I think I am blaming my mother that I fell off the cliff when I was twelve, though she wasn't even there and had nothing to do with it, and I never once have even thought of this till this very moment when I am writing this. That is the only reason I can think of for the grief coming up so strong. A juxtaposition. I think this is how things get mixed up but also how things can get sorted out.

(Then I went back to edit and, when editing the first paragraph in the message above) the grief swelled up again, but not too bad. Still have a little difficulty catching my breath. This must be how high blood pressure works,too, when the blood pressure can shoot up in a moment during anger. (I do not have high blood pressure, but I used to get angry). The human body is an incredibly sensitive apparatus. Personally I am not sure of the value of going back into ones childhood experience that deep. Maybe with the help of a therapist, but I am basically kind of anti-therapy, A lot of questions about how grief works have come up for me because of this, but I have just begun to process it all.

Anyway, to me Dexter fits in with the theme of this thread because I changed from watching the plane material to watching Dexter. I just turned to something else just like I turned away from feeling the grief, and this is just a literal description of what I did, and I think it was practical to do that. No one should look at such psychological material until they are they are ready,and imo to force oneself to do so would be an act of violence against oneself. This said, if it is interesting, then that is something else. So I turned away from thje grief because it was unbearable, but I changed to watching Dexter because the plane material was no longer interesting, but the thing I was left with that is to me very interesting is what this searching for the plane might represent and how it might be used as a metaphor for a person searching for the missing part of himself. But again, the meaning attributed is just my own subjective interpretation.

So is it possible for there to be two different dimensions? One-- a person just is or is not watching the plane material on tv because it is or is not interesting for whatever conscious or unconscious reason, and two--a person decides to use this material to explore something else. And could these two dimensions being balanced together open a doorway to yet another dimension?