Emotion Management - Info from Attwood conference

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I agree - the former is a desirable outcome, the latter is not.

Doesn't answer my main point though about why NT's find emotional openness so uncomfortable/socially unacceptable!

I was introduced to CBT by a clinical psychologist who had me read and apply Aaron Beck's book. Can't remember the name of the book. But plug in a search for CBT and Beck and you will find all kinds of stuff. You have to sit down with pencil and paper while you read it and do the WORK. You cannot do it in a day. It took me days to read and do the work. Then it took me years to apply my knowledge and work through all the "wrongs" and my locked in behavior that kept me depressed. I was 53 at the time. I am 60 now and have a life. Thank you CBT for not going to my grave pissed off and a victim and depressed. I train dogs and ride horses and help people do taxes and form corporations. I could never do that if I was this old and using all my energy on being pissed off at crazy stuff irrelevant stuff.

SO, GET THE BOOK DO THE WORK IF YOU WANT A BETTER LIFE. IF NOT, THAT'S OKAY BUT I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU UNTIL YOU DO.

One other thing. I was on Wellbutrin & Cymbalta for years. I was very suicidal all the time. I weaned myself off 2 months ago. It was hell. Worse than getting off what I have seen in movies of heroin. But, I am feeling great and not depressed. I was on those drugs from 2001 until 2008. I think they don't work but make depression worse over the long run. Now, I do not have bipolar, or mania. In fact, I could sleep all the time when I am depressed. I have what they call Atypical Depression. They have found CBT works very well on this type of depression.

In fact, I find it very humorous, how some folks on this forum are so STUCK into blaming NT's for everything. Talk about a victim mode. So, if you are in doubt whether CBT will help you take this little quiz:

Have you chronically pissed off and angry at: yes no
your spouse/exspouse
your mother
your father
god
church/religion
a political party
anything

If you answered yes to anyone or more. Get the book, you are stuck

Some thoughts on emotional expression.....

I don't think this is a clear cut NT vs AS thing. If you have ever been around people from different cultures you can observe that humans express emotions in very different ways and what is excepted or expected changes with cultures. I come from a very emotionally "restrained" family in a country that seems to promote emotional restraint..."stay cool"=power. I observe some of the emotional displays of people who were raised in some other cultures as being really intense. I think this is also seen in different socio-economic groups of people. Each has their own idea of what is the appropriate level of emotional display and each finds the alternative display to be "odd/wrong/other"<----those are value judgements.

When I was growing up I was constantly criticised for not showing the "right" amount of positive emotions. I did not smile "enough" or show enough gratitude when someone did something for me or gave me something...I don't gush well. I still can't and when others do it, it feels "wrong" to me, fake, because it's not part of my communication style. When I am angry and having an emotional or sensory induced meltdown...it scares some people. I believe for many, that is a normal physiological reaction to "others anger". It kicks adrenaline into their bodies and creates a fight or flight sensation...something that is not often possible, (we can't run away during our jobs or punch a customer in the nose). Maybe a factor of NT's having a higher then "our normal" mirror neurons ? I know I have observed NT's responding much more intensely to emotional expression by others then I do. Perhaps that is their disability? For me to react to someones negative emotions they have to be expressing them very strongly...when someone is screaming at me, I do respond with fight or flight.


I do think it's odd that aspies are labeled as "unemotional robots" and then criticized for over-reacting. It is obvious that persons who claim this are simply lacking "aspie theory of mind" and unaware that my reactions are based on a different level of senses. I am reacting to stimuli that they are not even aware exist,(because they base sense on their own experience of them).
I do think that if I am willing to learn how to understand their responses they have an equal obligation to understand and except mine as "real" even if they don't feel the same senses. NT's are not my role models. I see many things about society that are highly dysfunctional and I never except anything based solely on how others tell me to act/feel/think...it's not in my nature. On the flip-side, I don't want to reject something just because NT's do it that way. I want to examine each objective and judge it based on it's value to me. That is how I view CBT/RET. What part of it work for me and what doesn't. When it is taken as a form of religion then it can be as destructive as any religion that is not examined with a critical/rational mind. I don't DO "faith", I do logic.


So that is my approach to emotional expression. It is meant, to me, to communicate to myself and others. Internally it helps guide me to realize that I need to think about something. Why am I feeling this and is it helpful to me to feel this way? Sometimes it is...to react dispels some of the unpleasant energy. Then I decide if I should react by throwing something or changing something in my environment,(usually there are more options then that ). To have my emotions control me, seems very counter-productive to my own well-being. Sometimes reacting gives my power and energy to the person who is intentionally trying to provoke such a reaction...that isn't in my best interest. I don't like being manipulated and I am the only one who can stop them from achieving that goal...by not responding, (drives them nuts ). So learning how to monitor and express my emotions as I chose, is not to appease NT's it is for my advantage and psychological well being.


For me CBT isn't about controling your emotions or thoughts so that they are socially exceptable but understanding them so that I am not controlled by them. That can sometimes be achieved by changing the way I focus my thoughts not changing them to reflect something I know to be false. I think some of peoples bad experiences with CBT is from having very stuipid therapist who treat it as a religion or a form of self-hypnosis. People who have experienced some relief from self defeating behavior or thinking focus are lucky to have had an intelligent therapist<---statisticaly rare, I think.

krex I agree with chesapeaker "You definitely GET what CBT is all about" and very well explained.

I have no problem with any sort of treatment if really needed, but it does seem that when ever a child is diagnosed like my son your told they need all sorts of treatments as a matter of course, I know my son does not need, he is very happy and proud to be who is.

But for some reason the professionals do not quite get that some of us really are ok and I know so many adult have been damaged by being alienated from society, which wares them down and then wants them to pay to become more of a carbon cut out of a typical nt.

I see parents saying to there children "why cannot you be like the other children", "your a real pain", "your so fussy" and how cruel other nt children can be, often these children's difference can make them seem awkward to other children, the coordination difference can cause so many problems sport wise, I can remember many times all the other children laughing at me because I had no balance etc.. who needs to be trained!

The real problem with any sort of training it is often carried out by NTs who do not fully understand the issue themselves... finding the right professional is like finding a needle in a hay stack, would you want to take that risk with your child!

I feel the treatment should only be suggested if your child is having problems, otherwise it would be all to easy to give your child treatment really is not needed, and sometimes I really do wonder who the treatment is for, as the asperger child is often very intelligent.

And in my opinion one of the only experts worth hearing on the subject who as far as I know is not on the autism spectrum is in fact Tony Attwood, but we cannot all see him:
Seminars by autism expert - Friday 23 May, 2008 12:01am
ELOURA Blue Mountains Disability Services will host autism and Asperger's specialist Prof Tony Attwood on 18 & 19 June at the St Marys Band Club. Prof Attwood will cover topics such as the origins of special interests in Asperger's syndrome and constructive strategies to use or reduce the dominance of special interests, challenging behaviours, strategies to reduce bullying and increase social inclusion for people with Asperger's syndrome and autism, and issues for adolescents with Asperger's. Prof Attwood's seminars will be held from 9.30am to 4.30pm each day. Tickets: $85 a day including catering. Registration and details: www.eloura.com.au or 4751 5266.

I am not against people learning from good resources and good information, unfortunatelly far to many bad and fad treatments about...

I would also like to add I do not think its a aspie/nt thing as there are some wonderful nt parents who truly embrace there children, I have a wonderful nt son... but unfortunately there are far to many people on and off the autism spectrum who still seem to think autism is an illness, to me its just a difference if not hugely misunderstood.

Krex, that was a really well-balanced & helpful contribution, thanks!

To clarify - for me, it is certainly not about "wanting to stay in victim mode."

Rather, I can best describe my problem as an inner war between a desire not to unintentionally hurt others by my behaviour versus a refusal to "sell out" who I am and become fake.

i.e. I want to continue behaving the way I naturally behave, but I do not want others to feel hurt as a result of my doing so.

This is why I need to understand why I am making the NT's uncomfortable, so I can better judge whether it is me or them who are being unreasonable.

The "Social Story" quote that I cited was the only thing about the CBT I actually had an issue with - to me it just looked like a kind of brainwashing!! !! !!

i.e. we were being "programmed" to accept a totally alien concept (to an Aspie), however "obvious" it may appear to an NT.

I hope that has clarified what I was trying to say.

Oh, & Sinsboldy asked "what do I do when I react?"

I was referring here to minor but frequent irritations such as the printer not working (again!), the lift stopping at every single floor when I am in a hurry, the train being canceled etc.

I would react by sighing loudly & expressively, complaining to anyone who happened to be nearby whether I knew them or not, saying "GRRRRRRR!! ! For God's sake, this is ridiculous! !! !" to no-one in particular, and if I was really angry, maybe stamping my foot with frustration.

Who is that hurting? Nobody!

Is it frowned upon by NT's? Most definitely!