Female Aspies? a different presentation?

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" Female Aspies?" nah their not real

My brother who is also ASD once said that he is tired of being willfully misunderstood. I totally agree.

I've actually wished this for a long time.
Sometimes when crowds of other people have been milling around happilly chatting away and I've been unable to join in, I've wished that I could just vanish into thin air.

I've often wished that I could be unlabeled and just be seen as "normal" or just me anyway.
I wish that people and professionals wouldn't constantly feud over whether I'm AS or not and just tell me straight out what's happening. Lots of people are still in denial, even I'm still partly in denial, I hate the term "disordered" because I don't feel broken.

I wish I understood what the heck was going on sometimes.
I've met brilliant, but passive girls just like me with very similar traits who were being treated for other things such as social anxiety and depression. These girls are rare. The one's I met were suffering silently.

The professionals must have had a reason for labeling me as they did even if it was on purely social grounds. I certainly don't socialise in the "normal" way. I am passive and have to wait for other people to help me through socialising. Someone must have thought that something was up for me to have gone through all that therapy and aide mentoring.

I have had several comments about my social habits by genuinely concerned people and how I'm perceived as rude when I really don't mean to be.

Something's definitely different about the way I perceive the world whoever I am and whatever's really going on. Something's definitely going on though.

at the moment i feel the exact opposite of this as poeple do not even know i have it and beleive im normal which kinda puts pressure on me when i find it hard to socialise n stuff and if they knew i maybe wouldn't be so stressed and anxiuos at the smallest of things as they may understand me better . if that makes sense

Well, according to a number of people (e.g., the anti-vaccine crowd), most autistic adults really don't exist, and find the claim that they do offensive.

I'm okay with having the autism label; it's an odd thing to come to terms with after growing up not knowing, but doesn't make me feel I'm not me, whatever that is. What did cause harm was not knowing one way or the other; the commonly experienced limbo state of many adults. Before the label, others would notice something was different and not treat me as normal anyway, so that part didn't really change.

That pretty much describes me pre-diagnosis (ie the first 50 years of my life). Now that I know what I'm dealing with, I'm more comfortable being honest about what's going on inside and don't feel the need to fool people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

I feel exactly the same way.

I'm in that state of limbo now.

I've been both labeled and not labeled.
It's like no one can really make up their minds.
Now everyone's just undecided as to whether I have AS or not, and some claim that I've "just grown out of it".

When I was labeled, people talked down to me in a condescending way.
When I wasn't labeled I was just treated like everyone else even when I did struggle socially.
That's why my family don't want me labeled again because they don't think that it will help.

It's like I want help and don't want help at the same time.

On the one hand I have people saying that I require help, but on the other hand, I have people who say I shouldn't ask for help and should just be myself to avoid being stigmatised. Perhaps the whole issue is different in my country.

Needless to say I'm very confused. I've tried seeking help for the condition in the past, but none of it's been useful or helpful. It was almost like people were afraid of me.

It seems that I just can't help being me whatever I do and however I try and cope.

If having few friends is normal, if finding that those friends are invariably using you and you are not realizing it when others would, if the sensation of being touched was so unpleasant that it rendered dating almost impossible, if having obsessions that draw you away from life to the point of nearly being a hermit, if the chronic sensation of knowing you're not quite getting the social situation but don't know why, if the thoughts of "why" and the lack of help with learning to cope drive you to distraction, if the over-sensitivity to stimulation in the proprioceptive system leads you to feel chronic pain, if you constantly turn down huge promotions to management because you simply cannot handle the social interaction, if you have chronic suicidal ideations because you are so depressed and have no way to learn how to cope or even ask for help,if you find yourself having panic attacks (meltdowns) and you have no idea why, really.... gee if all of those things aren't a problem I guess treatement isn't necessary.


I was able to graduate #2 in my high school class. I went to college on a free ride scholarship and won numerous academic awards, and graduated with a nearly perfect GPA. I unfortunately became a classroom teacher because of my desire to HELP and despite what it did to me to be so social all day long, I threw myself into the work and was promoted to educational director and then had to leave the school to find other work (my choice, not my employer's) because I was melting down daily at home after the intense adult interactions. But nonetheless I was successful in my work and continue to be now, although I cope much better because I work with fewer people at a time. I own a home and a rental property that produces some income. I am nearly out of debt. I am married to a fellow undiagnosed Aspie and we have a son. While we have some problems as all couples do, our views about relationships are so devoid of romanticism that we are able to work through our issues better than alot of NT couples. I am the female aspie and I am definately the more empathetic one, and my knowledge of the best way to approach and coach an aspie means I do most of the emotional work. But so far, it has worked. My current obsessions are my job and my son, although I miss being able to "lose" myself in solitary things like art and movies, I am glad that I can be productive at this time.

However, a social interaction for me can be so very exhausting. Those who question why it's still disabling if you can fake it? I liken it to driving a car. NT's are cruising along on autopilot while I am trying to drive as if I'm negotiating through an accident scene in a construction zone during a horrific thunderstorm. It takes so much cognitive energy, it's a cerebral activity. And then the NT's want to go back out again the same day for a pleasurable Sunday drive while I'm recovering with the shakes and sometimes feeling traumatized. I'm a perfectionist and the part of me that knows I'm supposed to be able to handle this "better" makes it even more challenging as I'm mentally beating myself up for not being up to par. I realize that where I'm functioning is at a level that so many with ASD's would love to achieve. But please don't think that it makes those of us who can "cope" NT's with social phobias! It may be proof that those on the spectrum can learn skills but that doesn't make us NT. It makes us functional people with an ASD. There's more to a full life than simply working and getting by.

I have always been more comfortable interacting socially with men. At times I've been labelled a "ho" when I was never sleeping with any of the men friends I had. Actually, until I met my husband, I found physical romance out of the question as the sensations were so overwhelming and at times unpleasant. Hell for me would be a room full of women, and would probably look alot like Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills LOL. I have always been a tomboy, played with cars, etc. I preferred to play alone but when I did play with others I tended to dictate. I would often go find an out of the way place, including the roof of our house, and would read or hang out with my cat. I have been obsessed with animals and continue to be to a degree. I read obsessively and also become obsessed with movies, actors, and musicians. I will watch the same movies and listen to the same music over and over. My speech can become very repetitive. I rarely realize just how quietly I'm speaking. I have dyspraxia, spoke in sentences before my first birthday but didn't walk until I was 2. I hung out with adults alot and younger kids but tended to have only one or two same-age friends, who invariably used me until I was of no more value. I was notoriously trustworthy to the point that teachers would ask me if other children were lying about things (gee, that helped my popularity immensely). Trust me, I'm on the spectrum, even if I am able to "cope."

That's a very unsettling state to be in. I hope it gets resolved soon. Most professionals are clueless about the presentation of AS in adult females. I also don't see a substantial effort being made by anyone in the field to resolve the situation.




Maybe the latter people don't really understand how things affect you; they don't see beyond the surface.




That's been my experience: that they seemed afraid! My last last counselor would avoid all the autism issues, concentrating only on their side-effects: anxiety, social isolation etc. It was very harmful and the sessions had to be cut short. The counselor admitted that lacking training in AS and autism was the reason for the continual avoidance.

I hope it gets resolved too.

I wonder why there isn't any research being done in this field. Financial reasons? Perhaps if more research was done into females, people wouldn't be so clueless about the condition.

I also wonder why for instance professionals didn't leap with excitement when they assessed me as a child given that AS was so rare in females (at the time). No leaping at all, just the doom and gloom "Something's wrong with your daughter, she's not behaving properly." speech that wasn't really helpful to anyone.

After my bad experiences with diagnosis, I'm feeling a little uneasy about the prospect of adult females (particularly ones that have been lucky and have been supported by others/have a good quality of life) being diagnosed. I wouldn't wish the experience I've had with stigma and secrets on anyone. I also wonder if my being diagnosed didn't slightly "screw-up" my own opinion of myself given the ostracism I had to endure for having the label.

What would the diagnosis of an adult female really achieve?
What real practical help would be made available for individuals?
Might these diagnoses create unnecessary stigma towards capable women?

In the back of my mind also is the uncomfortable idea that an extreme personality has been pathologised and made into a diagnosis. I also feel very uncomfortable about the word "disorder" being used to label capable human beings, especially women.

I'm also concerned about the idea of one "suffering" from AS. If this indeed my personality, I like it and have thrived on it occasionally. I've only suffered if I'm mismatched with the environment or others have expected me to "suffer" as a "self fulfilling prophesy". I've never "suffered" from being myself and I find such a concept a little offensive and bizarre. I might suffer from events, emotional baggage, co-morbids or life, but not from my personality.

If diagnoses were viewed in a balanced way and genuinely helped women get the support/opportunities/change in environment they needed, I would be in favour of diagnoses.

There's also the issue of the degree of severity of any symptoms.
Could milder cases get away with not being labeled?

In a perfect world, I'd personally go with not being labeled and being accepted for who I am.



That's probably true.
Maybe some of them don't really want to see beyond the surface anyway.

I'll have to figure out a way to try and tell them that's:

A) Believable
B) Non-offensive
C) Positive and not pity seeking
D) Understandable


I have had dismissive responses in the past such as
"Oh everyone get's that, you'll be fine."
When something happens and I'm "not fine" due to overload or whatever, people are genuinely bewildered as if they don't know what to do with me or how to approach the problem constructively.

Perhaps if there were positive strategies in place, things would be easier.

If I do tell people, there is a limit to what they can do about it.

I'm still me and I still have to face the same tasks and pressures. I'm an adult and have to make my own way in the world like everyone else.

It's difficult to get officially diagnosed in the UK as an adult, so the fact that I apparently present severely enough for my doctor to ensure I was seen and diagnosed by a specialist probably means I am not as well adapted as some here.(hard for me to quantify, i'm a minority of one and genuinely have no insight as to how I appear to others) I also discovered during my mothers completion of forms regarding my childhood that my language was severely delayed, (at age 4 I was reading newspapers but only using basic one word sentences to speak), and in the main, presented with the same "symptoms" at age 4 as my son did, but he was diagnosed with autism.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I told my mum and sister that I strongly suspect I have AS. My mum's initial reaction (after she picked her jaw up off the floor) was to say, "Go to the doctor's."

I have been pondering the value of going for an official diagnosis. I got through school, I have a job, I live alone, I do fine really. The worst of my struggles are (hopefully) in the past. There is little that I would practically gain from it, but to have that label after not knowing why I was different is of importance to me, I can't deny that. To officially belong, I suppose, for the first time in my life is something that is appealing.

The flip of that is, of course, I am mildly affected and female; chameleon extraordinaire. Would I even blip the diagnostic radar anymore? The NHS is a wonderful thing, but it is creaky and inefficient and over-loaded with people who need that help far more than I. But then again, we are under-represented in the official statistics, should I go through the process to potentially increase our representation in the stats?

I don't know how an official diagnosis (should I get one) would affect my external life (e.g. in my job or in obtaining insurance).

Everything made sense when I realised I had AS. I have to understand this won't be the case for other people; it won't be the epiphany for them that it was for me... once (if) a diagnosis was made, I don't know if it would be a help or a hinderance in that respect. Or will it make no difference? Will they look as blankly as they do now, pretending they think it's fine, when I try to explain without recourse to AS why I don't have a boyfriend, why I hardly ever go out, why there is hardly any variety in my diet, why I obsess on strange topics, why my handwriting is a nightmare. To me AS is the answer to everything, to them... it's going to mean little, if anything and quiet possibly the wrong thing.

I am still unsure.

You were right on both counts. They have no idea of what they do or why, any more than a plant understands why it goes through photosynthesis. They just do what they do and there is no why.

My family don't actually see anything wrong with me not going out and not having boyfriends. They'd look at me very strangely if I did!

They certainly didn't put me under any unnecessary pressure to find relationships like that.

They actively encouraged me not to get overly emotionally involved in other people's problems...because...well I don't know!

They were very practical people.

They said: "We have enough problems as it is. No boyfriends allowed."

Then they'd explain to me about how people sometimes have problems with relationships, waste time partying when they should be studying and that marriage is like being shackled to someone for life.
Ironic really .

They look at me pretty blankly in denial anyway, but that's just how they are really.

The only thing they haven't been too keen on is the bad handwriting, other than that, they don't believe there's anything "wrong" with me as such.

You're right. My first reaction was that I wanted to tell everyone, because it made so much sense. That's just it. It wraps all the stuff we don't understand about each other into a single phrase. Giving them that simple phrase would exasperate the mountain of false perceptions they already have, and no good will come of it.

Unless you need specific services, the official diagnosis is probably more trouble than it's worth. I've given up on it.

First you need to find a shrink who knows something about it, which is nearly impossible because they all claim to know everything. Then you need to educate said shrink about your individual quirks, because we are all different. Good luck on that one. If you can do all that, what do you need the shrink for? You already know more than he could ever tell you. If you've gotten this far without drugs, there's no need to go there. They don't help and they can cause permanent brain damage. (Unless you're bipolar or OCD or need some specific drug that makes sense.) Talk therapy? That's a waste of time in-person, and they don't like e-mail. You're better off with on-line group therapy, and WrongPlanet is free.

If you've been scouring the internet and hanging out at a place like WrongPlanet for long enough to be sure, then you are one of us. For someone who is already functioning as an independent adult, I am convinced that a self-diagnosis is more valid than a formal diagnosis.

One thing you could do that would be helpful is hang out and help us organize. We need to start a serious movement, and WP is the perfect place to find each other. The trouble is, most of us are really bad at the very things we need done. The kind of person who could help to set us free is not allowed to be diagnosed.