The "Most Shameful AS Secret" Competition

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This is related to inapprpriate social behavior and naivete. (I was an exceptionally naive young person; I'm better now.) When I was 10, my grandfather had just remarried. He and his wife thought it would be nice to have a family Thanksgiving with his 3 daughters and her 5 children. Everyone was able to show up with spouses and kids if they had them -- all in all, it was a large family gathering! My grandfather and some of the other men had a football game on in their living room, which most of us kids had no real interest in, so my Aunt Margaret put a movie in the TV in my grandparents' sun room. (I think it was "All of Me," but this was a long time ago so I'm not sure.) I was the oldest cousin by a lot -- my brother is two years younger and is the next oldest, so several adults, including my father, were supervising the gang of kids watching this movie. Early in the movie, Steve Martin's character's girlfriend is breaking up with him and shouts, "I faked all my orgasms!" She follows this with a clearly fake orgasm, and says, "Sound familiar?" I turned around to my father and said, "Daddy, what's an orgasm?" All the adults lost it and were choking with laughter. My Aunt Mary turned to my dad and mockingly said, "Tell her!" I ran out of the room in tears and hid. (Took them a couple hours to find me.) They never bring it up, but I still feel awkward around most of my step-family.

Much more recently, and again with the socially inappropriate behavior. I was over at my parents' house (I happened to go to grad school close to where they lived) and my brother and sister were visiting from Boston. My dad, brother, and I were in the upstairs hallway when, appropos of nothing, I pointed at an attractive bookcase and said loudly, "I want to inherit this when you die!" My father, who is used to me, just chuckled, but my poor younger brother said in a shocked voice, "Rose! Don't say things like that!" I kind of blinked at him and said, "Why not? It's true!" My brother -- who, BTW, is NT -- was just at a loss to understand why I would say such a thing in the first place -- and then be unable to see that it was inappropriate!

I'm sure there are more, but those sprang to mind.

Rose, I'll tell you a secret: I burst with envy when someone tells how they're totally OK with taking the blame for others' faults. Because people who are perfectly OK with it have a lot more friends than I do. I used to be like you in this regard, and I had many more people in my life. I wish I could go back to being so naive, but I can't.

Taking Things Literally

1. When I was seven I got new Hush Puppies (boots). My mum was very proud that she had bought me these nice boots as we weren't very well off (at all), so she wanted me to be careful with them. She said, before I went to school, "Don't go on the grass with those boots." I kept on the playground all day. So far so good. Then my childminder came to pick me up. She was waiting at the other side of the field. Made of grass. I wouldn't cross it. Everyone else went home but I stayed at the edge of the field, refusing to cross at all costs. Finally a friend's sister gave me a piggy back across and my childminder was pissed off. I cried all the way home and when we got back my childminder actually apologised for shouting at me, she thought I was doing it to be contrary (Yep, that Mary, Mary rhyme was sung at me more than once as a kid) and not just that I was an aspie.

2. When I was 11 I got home from school dying to go to the toilet. As soon as I walked through the door my mum said "Go to the shop now, we're going out." and gave me the cash and the list. I went right away. When I got to the counter I peed my pants. It was awful. Nobody noticed and I didn't tell anyone, not even my mum, just washed my pants and went commando at my mum's friend's that evening.

Socially Inappropriate

I was 10 or 11. I was a friend's house, my own age. A couple of little kids, maybe aged 6 or 7, from the street came in. One went upstairs with my friend's brother, who was also about 7. Later we were at the swings. The little girl who didn't go upstairs asked if I'd seen the girl who did. I said she was upstairs with the little boy, making a lot of noise, something like that but worded in a more suggestive way. I was making a sexual innuendo, probably my first. Her dad, who must have been with her but I hadn't noticed, had a huge go at me, he was disgusted. It hadn't occurred to me that it might be inappropriate to make sexual references to 7 year olds.


There were many more, I've probably repressed the worst ones!

Oh I can sooo understand you with those examples!

Once while working at a large manufacturing plant I gambled on a fart and basically lost. I hurried to the bathroom to make the situation right and found that my underware was unsalvagable at work. I was in the bathroom stall and it occured to me that I could use my knife to cut off said drawers without having to remove my boots or pants. I did this and proceeded to flush the evidence down the toilet.
Two days later the entire shop was called into a meeting and it was explained that it cost 800 dollars to fix the sewage line in the plant. They then described my underwear and stated that there were initials on them. At least they didnt say the initials outloud, but I'm pretty sure that all the front office in this 400 employee factory were able to piece togather what happened.

Well, that gets first prize, no doubts. I proclaim you the winner, sourus - unless someone will appear who can top that.

Now if you'll excuse me a minute...

But you know, and I'm not kidding here - you could sell that story to a stand-up comedian or Mr. Bean and make quite a bit of money. So it may have a happy ending for you.