[And for the curious, how did you find it?[/quote]
I couldn't put words together until I was 4, and wasn't comfortable talking until I was in my late 20's. I have always had extreme tactile sensitivity. I can't stand to touch most surfaces. If someone forced me to rub my hand on the carpet more than a few times I would probably want to bang my head against the wall (fortunately that's never happened). I was born very fragile and particularly verbally abused during my middle school years. I was 5' 10" in eighth grade and weighed 120 pounds. I did find that I had access to alot of nervous energy that enabled me to challenge and defeat the big guys in arm wrestling. I was never physically abused. I took the verbal abuse as a reality that if I didn't find a way to change whatever was wrong with me, I was never going to make it in life.
I started an exercise and tennis obsession and gained some level of confidence in high school, but still couldn't figure the social stuff out. I was also obsessed with going to the beach. The environment there had a wonderful calming effect on my nerves. At this time in my life I craved light and spent as much time as possible outside. I usually had a remarkable ability to laser focus in school or work and could remember almost everything as long as I took notes that no one could read except me. When I got home I could hardly muster the focus to do homework or read any of the school books. I was lucky tests back in those days mostly consisted of multiple choice questions. I had a very difficult time organizing my thoughts to write or present any kind of oral presentation. My classroom memory served me well enough that I was usually at the top of my class.
My purpose from elementary school through high school was to learn to be normal and find a girl friend. I never got a steady one. People let me know I was odd but it was much better than middle school. Back in those days, we were commonly referred to as nerds. There were not many that I could identify; probably about 5 out of a class of 380. I never met a person with tactile sensory issues until I was 45 years old. I had no idea why I had it and nobody could tell me why until Google came along. My sister has Aspergers. She has always had anxiety issues but was not born with any sensory issues. I had a supportive family and dreamed of a good future.
I went to the local college found a steady girl friend and things went great for about a year. I lost the girlfriend and had a hard time accepting the change. Most of the folks at the local college were the people I went to high school so I still felt connected and survived.
From there I went to a larger University, lost my connections with the people I knew, and the structure I was familiar with. I felt lost and totally disconnected from the world. From the time I was 16 on through college I worked a night job as a janitor in buildings after working hours.so there were no connections there. I went on to develop some strange problems with my energy level; hard to walk up hills, etc. This is when I really started feeling defective and didn't feel like I deserved to be here.
I was determined to feel better. I started running in the heat of the day and one day the feeling just went away and I gained a feeling of energy and optimism fueled by my regained health. I focused on school, exercise; got the confidence, along with a few beers, to go to bars, mainly watching girls, eventually meeting a few girls. I finished college with 3 degrees: anthropology, health, and social sciences interdisciplinary. (thought I could learn about social stuff; can't learn it through books).
I had no idea what I was going to do next. I managed to get a job at a Military Bowling Center. A menial job, but a great place to learn about people that had plenty of routine and structure. I didn't make alot of money, but it was a government job with good benefits. It took a few years, but after studying and interacting with thousands of people I finally felt fully comfortable in the world.
I found a wonderful wife (customer where I worked) with a tremendous amount of common sense that has kept me grounded and put up with my quirks for 20 years. I eventually became manager of the Bowling Center, a Community Activities Director for the base, and finally, Athletic Director of the Base. I found supervising people difficult, and would not of done it, if given a choice.
Computers came along and I was highly valued for my computer skills, loyalty, and honesty. I had no interest in Bowling as a sport, Community Activities, or Team Sports in Athletics, but had an intense focus to learn the role I was expected to play. I continued to exercise and try to get out in nature as much as possible to deal with the daily adrenaline release required to play roles I was not suited to play.
I started to have sensory problems with my sight and hearing. Eventually it got to the point where I could not bear light or sound. I had to go on sick leave, and got diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum. I think the aging process and almost constant overstimulation from adrenaline release damaged my nerves and moved me down on the Spectrum; I can certainly say that the sensory issues with sight and sound are much worse than the touch issues.
The eighteen years I spent at the Bowling Center were like heaven for me. Especially, when I was in a non-supervisory position. The social skills I gained made me feel connected to the whole world. The pay wasn't great but it was a place where I could learn to love people,and finally feel comfortable in my own skin.
30 Nov 2010, 3:13 am
