Think my husband has Aspreger

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Your husband sounds 100% exactly like me.

Just replace the obsession with computer part to Tennis/Running/Scifi and it would be a mirror image of myself.

He is absolutely not capable of communication or expressing feelings or emotions, or interest in other people.
(Check)

He is maniacally obsessed with Tennis/Running/SciFi, barely talks—one-to-word phrases, never a full conversation, ignores people around him.
(Check)

If we go for a dinner with friends, he ignores everyone, playing on the cell phone instead.
(Check)

When we went to visit my family—he did not talk to anyone. He always has the same expression on his face, I saw him excited maybe twice, and it was about a new pair of shoes and a new video game ><.
(Check)

Mentally he is highly developed—Natural Mathematican, good specialist in his field, all his free time he spends Calculating Numbers/Data.
(Check)

but verbally he cannot express it. And he has no interest in people—never asks them questions, and can carry on a conversation only about his work or his interests.
(Check)

counting the tiles on the ceiling and paying no attention whatsoever!
(Check, I also do this)

When i come home and want to talk, he does not get it. he asks didn't you talk at work enough? arent you tired from talking?
(I get tired from talking a little bit; If I had a ten minute conversation with someone I would be tired for like the next 2)

It is almost like he thinks too much about what he is about to say, analyzing every word--i can practically see his brain moving and clicking inside. Talking drains him out, it is hard work
(Check)

So i guess i forgot one important part--he does talk when he argues, not in many words, but he LOVES arguing, no matter what it is. it seems to be the only was he can communicate.
(Check * 1000. I don't usually talk unless I am arguing. It is just how the way it goes.)

Overall, he sounds exactly like me. In fact; I haven't seen anyone give a better description of how I act like ever in my life.

Then again, technically I may not even have AS; in fact I might just be a workaholic.

I view everything that I do in terms of work/productivity: You see whenever I am doing something I always try to be productive. When I am hitting a tennis ball; I am trying to get the perfect form and power so that I will win the game. When I am jogging I am pacing myself so that I will be able to run as long as possible. Even when I am playing a video game or watching TV, I am working because I am trying to memorize everything I see on the TV or figure out every possible secret/combination corresponding to the game I am playing.

The real problem is that I cannot relax. Quite Literally- I've tried many many times and it never seems possible. I will always be working regardless of what I am doing.

I also wanted to become a medical doctor but I hate school so I have decided not to.

Brian--it is amazing, i did not think there was anyone else like my husband! But he is capable of relaxing, i think he is relaxed in front of his computer, and he is pretty lazy, actually, he loves laying in bed eating truffles out of the box and watching tv.

HI, smitty, my question is to all of us--wives, girlfriend, why do we stay in his hell? why dont we leave? is this how we are going to live all our lives? not having a conversation, not hearing that we are beautiful, sexy? Not seeing excitement in their eyes?
I am so frustrated right now, i dont really know what to do. He wanted to go eat out tonight, i did not go, because i know how it is going to be--he will not be talking, we will be sitting in silence and i will snap over it, or we will start arguing...He already tried to start an argument today--he does not like the way i wash dishes, i put too much dishwashing liquid, i should wash them his way or he gets irritated and thinks i do it to piss him off. I just dont get it--why does he care about stupid dishes? they are just dishes, does not matter how you wash them. He gets preoccupied with stuff that is not important and makes no sence

Brian, if you cant relax it is a little different--it can be also depression, OCD, stress....i think if you take a break or change your environment it will help. I used to be like you (but without communicational problem) when i was in college--i missed home, i was too tired from work/school, so i got depressed. And in order to cope i got obsessed with school/work, i started to run every day. I was always very, very tired, i did this to block out what was bothering me. I was always running like crazy
When i went back home all these disappeared--i became more relaxed and less stressed.
Sometime it helps to change your life--go on vacation, long trip, get out of the routine

Looks like this thread brought out the NTs.

Please remember this: we Aspies are NOT "empty" on the inside. We have all the emotions that you have. We aren't trying to look pissed off, any more than you are trying not to look pissed off. Quit talking about us like we're monsters on our own site!

Isaura, your husband calls you at work because he loves you. He asks you to sit and watch tv with him because he loves you. He loves you even though you seem to me to be the type of Super-NT who generally makes our lives hell. Trust me, it is just as difficult for him to live with you as it is for you to live with him. He just doesn't go on and on about it.

Speak for yourself. If being with your husband is hell for you, then maybe you do need to leave. Personally, I love my husband very much and being with him is certainly not my idea of hell.

Look, think of the problems you're having. If most of them got, say, 25% better, would that be enough? Because that's probably all you're going to get. And yes, your husband should try his best to change too (and Lord knows I don't envy your task in trying to get an aspie to admit he needs help; it took me three years to get my husband to go for OCD treatment), but it's going to be harder for him than it would be for you.

But the bottom line seems to be that you married someone thinking you could change him after the wedding, which for some reason people seem to persist in doing despite the fact that it's consistently been a complete failure since marriage was invented. You married who you married. Forget the hypothetical person you're hoping he's going to turn into, think only about the person you're actually married to. Now, is that person worth staying with, or not? That's really the only question you need to answer.

By the way, I have an ex who has AS quite a bit worse than my husband does (my husband's very high-functioning). I was my ex's first girlfriend, and it wasn't until several years later when he actually injured a subsequent ex-girlfriend during a meltdown that he got any help at all. And that was by court order.

--

Oh, and I agree with everything Rynessa said. She must have posted at the same time I did. But she's right about all that stuff. Or at least, that's what my husband tells me.

Yeah, I would say that is generally true.

Two years ago I was able to relax. Now that I am at a harder College it is next to impossible.

I'm just saying that if he is like me- He is probably a workaholic. And by workaholic; I mean the type of person who is always working regardless of what they are doing.

My dad is exactly the same way.

No knowing your entire situation, I can only give you this advice from personal experience-
Definitely try counseling BEFORE you have children. We did it in reverse, and we have been through 3 counselors, all of whom reached an end point where they could n't help us anymore. And the problems we are facing are definitely hurting our son.

Also, look at his relationship with his parents-that will show you signs about what kind of parent he will be, whether or not he is an aspie. I am sure there are plenty of good aspie parents, but they can also be horrible, just like some NT parents can be good and some can be horrible. But the lack of emotional connection and also the distractions under pressure can be particularly challenging for a person who is supposed to be taking care of a very young child.

You might look up schizoid personality disorder. Schizoids and AS people often behave similarly. Schizoids tend to have blunt emotional affect and little interest in the people around them.

Personally, I agree with Rynessa on this one. Although he is not communicating in a "normal" way, he is trying to spend time with his wife which is quite a feat in and of itself since he is so involved with the computer.

The difficulty lies in not understanding each other's points of view, which seems to be just as hard for the NT wife as it is for the Aspie husband (go figure). As I have already said (and will keep saying to drive my point home) compromise is needed on both sides: completely changing each other will not work, but neither will staying the same. As ChelseaOcean said, even a compromise of 25% is excellent because YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE HIM TOTALLY!

One more point: I know that if I have to change it has to be on my terms and I have to want to change too: nobody is going to force me to do something that I don't want to do.

Rynessa, we are not saying that you guys are empty--we know you are not. What I was saying is that I feel empty with him, because of lack of his emotions, facial expressions, because we never share an intimate conversation
I know that my husband loves me, but it does not make it any easier for me, I still need affection. If NTs make your life hell as you write it--why get in to the relationship with them, why marry them? Don’t you think the husband should assume some kind of responsibility for this? If it is difficult for him to be with me--why did he marry me? he knew about his differences and issues all his life.
Chelsea, I did not think about changing him when I married him, I did not know how I was going to feel. It is not about me changing him, it is about me being depressed right now, because all that silence piled up, and after I had a miscarriage it got very hard for me.
As for people not changing in marriage--this is not true, I change A LOT for my husband, I am a completely different person now. I used to swear like a sailor, he hates it, I stopped doing it, I don’t go out to clubs anymore, I don’t party, I cook. I am even learning how to scuba dive, even though i cant stand the thought of it, and i leared how to ski, all that to make HIM happy. I am making efforts every day to make myself a better person. I do believe we should try to change and be better people for our loved ones. I am in a foreing country because of him, far from family, friends. Dont you think he should do something for me too? even if it is very hard, he should at least try.

Brian, no, my husband is not a workaholic at all--he enojoys all kinds of activities outside of work. i would even say he is pretty lazy, he likes his work, but he is more obsessed with computers, which has nothing to do with his work

lalpantain, so far he is not agreeing to counceling, unfortunately
As for relationship with his parents--he does not have a father, as for him mom--it is the same problems as he has with me

Drool, thanks a lot--I will take a look at schizoid disorder, he actually mentioned that a while ago, he thinks that’s what he has

Plutonian, Rynessa, I wish you guys could understand for a second how hard it is for us to live like this--In silence, not seeing any compassion, affection, not hearing compliments, trying to figure out what my husband is feeling or thinking. You should think about it before you get into the relationship with an NT. I asked my husband why he chose me, why didnt he go for someone like him, if he does not want to talk? He said that he would go nuts with someone like him, that he likes outgoing and talkative people. I dont get it, i just dont, if you dont like to talk and communicate, whats the point?
I know that I am not going to change, that’s why I am trying to decide--can I live with this or should I end it now?

Isaura, if you honestly think this isn't about you changing him when you've got 8 pages of posts of you asking if he can change and how you can get him to do so, then I don't know that we can help you.

You've already said that you thought he was just shy and would open up after marriage. That's called marrying someone expecting that he'll change after marriage.

So you changed for him, you gave up the things you love, do things you hate, and now you come here and post about how miserable you are ... and you wonder why I say expecting someone to change for you is always a complete failure? Sure you changed for him, and look where it's gotten you: posting on the Internet about how being married to him is "stay[ing] in hell." Was it worth it?

I just have to say that comment made my day.



This changes enormously what's going on here: it means he knows he has issues and is refusing to address them. That's a world away from being in denial. If he already thinks he may be schizoid, I'd demand he goes for a professional assessment, and if he won't, leave. That simple. If someone knows they probably have a problem and won't deal with it, it's very different to not understanding a problem may exist at all. I think you're in ultimatum terrotory with this information.



I understand things are hard for you right now, but this veers dangerously close to making a judgement on all of us about how we conduct our personal lives. I'd try to avoid that - everyone here is on this site because they're trying to understand their condition better and help out others. I doubt any of us are making rash choices about our personal lives.

Chelsea, i am not miserable because i changed for him--i am fine with my changes, i am happy that he is happy. I am miserable because he does not communicate.
I think marriage is always work--and you have to always try to make your spouse happy, you have to change, everyone has to work on themselves and change. You learn from your partner, mend, adjust, this is the only way it will ever work in any relationship. I truly believe that in each relationship you have to work hard--even with my mother, i get home, i am tired, i want rest, but i know she wants to talk about things that i am not interested in, like her soap opera. I still talk to her, because i know she will be happy, i want her to be happy, i love her. I do things i dont feel like doing for the people i love. I think if your partner is telling you--i am not happy, i am depressed, you always think--what can i do to change it?
i dont want to change him, pressure him, what i want is for him to realise that marriage is hard work on both ends.

...and therein lies the crux of the problem. A lot of people who have Asperger's will not do things that they are not interested in, even if it means holding on to a relationship. Aspies are more interested in their special interests rather than a relationship. However, this is what makes a lot of us paradoxical and hard to fathom: we want to have that social relationship too, but we are so bad at actually making it work due to such things as communication problems, rigidity of routines, etc.

To use myself as an example: my fiancee (who is very NT) loves to go to clubs and dance the night away, but I cannot stand clubbing or dancing so I do not go with her. Yes, it upsets her (we've had many fights over this issue), but she understands there are some things that I just will not do, so she goes with her best friend instead.

Yet, there is a catch: I have to go with her to office parties and other official work-related functions (which I also dread) if I don't want to partake in her social interests. Yes, I hate it: I usually just end up sheepishly grinning at people, staring at the paintings on the wall, etc., but it only happens every few months, so I'm o.k. with it.

I wonder if there is any way to make such a bargain with your husband, even if it is not quite as drastic as my arrangement?

Plotonious, it is not about holding to a relationship--it is about making your partner happy, otherwise it is just pure selfishness, that’s what I think, this is what is convenient to you and you will not do anything.
I understand that there are things he would not do, but what I see now if he does not want to even try
What bargain are you referring to? I don’t think I understood your suggestion well enough

What I was referring to was the compromise that I have made with my fiancee: I won't go to her social interest functions (clubbing, dancing, chit-chat type affairs, etc.) on a daily/weekly basis just so long as go with her to monthly/bi-monthly office functions (such as Christmas parties, office picnics, etc.)

It works because I was willing to give in a little to gain a lot of alone time for my special interests.