Diagnosed when older? The process of accepting the dx?

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This isn't true for me. I want to participate but it's too hard. Sure there are ridiculous expectations. Everyone has something like that to grumble about. But for me it's the gap between what I want to do and what I can do that is the problem, not the gap between what other people want me to do and what I can do. Them I'm perfectly happy to ignore. Me, not so much.

You've said it all. That's exactly how I feel. The dissonance between what I want to do and what I can actually manage to do is very painful.

I fluctuate, and am somewhere in between. Depending on the fluctuations in my traits (which do vary over the course of any given week,) i can desperately crave wanting to be a part of the social world, but feel unable to. Then, other times, particulalry when my sensory integration issues are really bad, the last thing i want is to have anything to do with the complexities of social contact and communication. One thing that does not change for me -- any social contact is fraught with post-contact exhaustion. so, if i do see people, it will always take me over a day or two to recover. A few hours of social contact has been known to literally wipe a week off the map of my life! I have to try to recuperate and recover myself, if that makes sense. That had been a mystery my whole life until my diagnosis.

i have had a kind of utopian notion my whole life - of one day being able to socialise like other people do. So, i suppose one could say i did and do crave contact. And i could never really equate this utopian or idealised view of contact with people with the reality - which is that i find contact beyond one on one, both arduous and difficult. And awfully tiring, as alluded to above.

I am glad a diagnosis has given ,me answers in this respect.

Can we ask to have this thread made a sticky?

hey greentea...what is a sticky? i don't even even know what one is?

On the list of topics running on the first page of this forum, see the "Sticky" ones at the top... They don't go down, so they're always there and work as a mini forum for those who feel a special sense of belonging with the specific topic. We were denied a forum for those diagnosed when older when I asked for one and so many wanted it too, but we can ask for a sticky. Then if the sticky becomes very popular, Alex may agree to give us a forum for the oldies. We share unique life experiences and challenges.

Yes. i know those stickies - i see now. how does one go about it?

I think Lostinspace asked a moderator for it, for her thread about NLD.

Ah, then you just have to leave yourself alone to cure your disorder, as it's a similar thing (easier said than done, however). It's all wants and expectations, whether from within or out.

I guess the subconscious associations with diagnosis are cure or accommodation (even compensation).
The reality is that the understanding of 'what was wrong' is the only reward.
It's just an understanding of what's not functioning, of why things are different for us.
But it IS at least, a solid launchpoint from which to move on.
That has to be an end and an achievement in itself - an end to the ceaseless search for the cause of so many problems.

I guess the downside of that is that if you've strived all your life, against these problems - it does kind of say 'well, there's not really much more point in striving - because it's a hardware issue, not a software configuration (ie - psychological/fixable) problem.
IOW, the end to any hope of resolution/cure/fixing it.

But in coming to the greater understanding of yourself, you are in so many ways, freed of the need to search and to conform and otherwise, beat yourself up over not pulling yourself together enough to 'get it right'.

Yes, it's the end of the journey along a particular road - but as much as that, it's the beginning of another along a new path.

thanks membersix. nicely put. i gained a lot from reading your above post. it is so clearly expressed.

Aah, thanks.

I´m sorry to hear about this. Yes, it´s difficult when you don´t have a chance to resolve something like that. However, you were dealing only with the information you had at the time, you didn´t know then what you know now. Maybe there was a reason for this, as I believe there is a reason for everything. Maybe you were meant to work out this particular karma alone, without your father. Sometimes it works out like this.

I relate, but on a smaller scale, and in a different way. My family was generally supportive, but I always felt indescribably different from them...(i´m sure my parents are NT, though my Dad has some AS traits, and my Mom has sensory sensitivity). And in terms of extended family- more distant, older relatives or ancestors- I always felt kind of a lack of interest in them. When several older grandparents or others wrote Memoirs, I think I was the only person in the family who didn´t bother to read them. I´m not sure if this had to do with the fact that I didn´t feel particularly "connected" in the first place- or if it was just a general lack of interest in people (unless there´s a particular reason to be interested in them). On my father´s side of the family, there were sometimes these big extended family reunions; social situations with people I didn´t know, who had nothing in common with me except the family; just a sea of faces, can´t place a name to a face, etc. (Even though it´s family, my social knowledge gets no better)! On leaving these events, my siblings and parents really knew who was whom, and could talk about them...(I would keep silent, to hide my lack of knowledge and interest).

Now that I know about AS, I realize that that´s where the AS in the family seems to be (my father´s-mother´s side). There are a few obscure accounts of tragic lives, occurring mostly with the women...(and the men seem pretty Aspieish too). In fact, when I told my brother about the possibility of AS in me, and what it meant exactly, he asked me immediately what my opinion was about those women, so we definitely had the same thought! (And I resemble them in other ways too....they may be my "legacy"). So, now I have a sudden interest in learning about those relatives...funny, that. I don´t know how to go about it, though. My parents don´t want to know about the AS, that seems to be a taboo subject. Maybe I´ll find another strategy. In any case, the story of your father sort of reminded me of that, in that it´s a sudden new revelation and connection to a family member (in my case, a few family members).

[quote="millie"]oh hi professor X. how is it going? i always like to hear from you and to say hi to you also. that is great news that you have been appointed to a panel in your city. i am sure you will offer incredible insight and education on matters pertaining to AS. good luck with it.


Millie, thank you most kindly for, I'm doing okay and all.Actually, I'm not for, I feel a sense of disenchantment in that sometimes when I'm on the net it seems everytime I do a sincere job of relating to neurotypicals with the intent of establishing a friendhship such collapses. Well, I'm glad to to be here atleast I don't get made fun of behind my back with by various persons in other realms of the net making me out to be mentally ret*d or something ! Millie, forgive me for my ranting as, I'm glad to be part of a panel which, I hope will benefit others in the community and provide a better overall picture of Aspies so, many of "Us" are seen as hard-working,decent,kindhearted people like other humans that walk this earth and all.

Lastly, always nice to talk to you Mille as well despite the fact, I'm not as frequent with posting here on WP neverless, I do try though.

that's no good prof x. by the way i just pm'd you about it.

as for your post above...i read that once we learn to cognitively make small talk - which i have leanred to do - the issue is trying to KEEP friends as contact wtih them is confusion and exhausting. i relate to that. I think i read it in another post by someone on WP and it made sense to me. have a good day.

Wow, great thread! I'm 52 & just learned of AS a couple days ago while listening to an Aspie on a talk radio show & thought 'holy crap, he's talkin about me!'. Spent hours all over the web learning more, then joined here yesterday. Don't know if I'm quite qualified to self diagnose (and there might be traces of other things like ADD...?) but I do know what I can relate to & AS puts so much of the puzzle together I feel like I 'found' myself.
Some years ago I told a friend that I knew I was different & accepted it (without quite understanding why), and that I just needed a way to make it 'work for me'. Like, if I could just find the right job, start my own business, tap some 'inner resource'... well, I found some jobs I was good at but couldn't keep them. Growing up was much the same; few friends if any, hung out mostly with other 'outsiders', extremely self conscious - even fanatically so about my masculinity - always criticizing myself for saying or doing stupid things. I beat the hell outta myself all my life. At age 12 a counselor was helping me learn to look ppl in the eyes while talking & was getting better at it but it didn't last long.
Was always seeing therapists, counselors, taking psyche tests & such, got in trouble often & low grades - despite having 120+ IQ. Seems other folks were always frustrated with me, sometimes hostile for no apparent reason. Part of that, I realized some time ago, is my facial expressions, or lack of. Sometimes ppl think I'm angry just by looking at me & at times take it personally. Store clerks or food servers, for example, have been flat out rude to me at times before I've said or done anything - this actually happened: I go into a resturaunt, sit at the counter, turn the coffee cup up (normal signal that you want coffee), look at the menu & put it back then worked on my crossword puzzle while waiting for my order to be taken. After a while I notice the waitress walking by, I look at her but she won't look at me. This happens a few times ( I didn't say anything, was just baffled) & finally I leave but as I get to the door the waitress says "thank you". That was one of the more glaring of many examples.
These days I make it a point, if I remember, to make eye contact right away & smile, say hi or good morning. That helps alot. Long time ago I drove cab & was really good at it but was uncomfortable with ppl. In recent years I've experienced the sensory overload (like in malls) that I've heard about regarding AS. 2 or 3 times, at least, I'll be in a mall or store & feel detached like in a dream, I can see my body but can hardly even feel the floor I'm walking on. A vivid dream feeling, have had it while driving a couple times & it's a bit unnerving.
Well, I've rambled on & there seems like so much more...
Anyway, I just feel so relieved to be able to make sense of my unique-ness. I don't expect my life to magically change, at this stage, and most ppl will still not understand me. But knowing I'm not alone , that it's not my fault, means more to me than I can say right now.

Hugz, Qrissy