The Question of Empathy

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The generally accepted notion is that people with Asperger's lack the ability to feel empathy. I submit this is not true-- or, that if we do lack empathy, then so does everyone else.

Without a doubt, we have difficulty reading "cues" that NTs take for granted. But I have found that when neurotypicals do display "empathy," it is completely insincere. They are being totally phony and suiting their behavior to a particular social setting. The reason WE don't seem to show empathy is that we aren't capable of being fake. When push comes to shove, NTs really don't have any more empathy than we do. I can list countless examples in my life where an NT that was supposedly my friend wouldn't talk to me because he or she didn't want to "bother with me" when our friendship or relationship at work entered a rough patch which the other person knew was caused by my cognitive and social disabilities.

So let's not be ashamed we "can't show empathy"; let's be proud we're not PHONY.

your idea that 'we can't be fake' doesn't really fly when you think of all we do to 'fit in' that is totally fake to us.

Wasn't there a study with regards to empathy and Autism and the fact that the Autistic population (us) feel too much of one portion of empathy and not enough of the other?

Sinsboldly-- I do see what you're saying, but I stick by my statement. Because I don't even try anymore. If I have to act "fake" to "fit in," then whoever I'm trying to impress isn't worth my time. And I think most Aspies eventually learn this. And still, trying to act a certain way is not the same as pretending to feel a certain way.

I agree with that. I can't even begin to estimate how many times I've acted a certain way, to try and fit in with other people. I don't do it very often today, but it was alot worse before I realised it was a problem.

It's not that we can't be fake; it's just that we're not very good at it.

^You'd be surprised.

Haha, how wrong you are... I'm very good at pretending and faking expressions. I just can't identify them on other people's faces and i have a very poor idea of when to use them. For example, someone falls over a cord at work, now i've seen people laugh when this happens because apparently it's funny but then sometimes, it's serious because the person has hurt themselves and this is obvious by the numerous facial expressions they are supposedly throwing out. I can not bother making a facial expression and be accused of being an apathetic piece of crap. I can laugh, and 50% of the time be accused of being a disgusting piece of crap who enjoys other people's pain, or i can act serious and be accused of being uptight and having no sense of humour. Everytime i get something wrong it damages my relationship with said person/people, all the apparent "slights" add up. The NT's aren't being fake, i'm the one being fake. Although to be honest they're expecting miracles from me and setting the bar way too high. It's like expecting a blind man to judge a beauty pageant accurately.

Okay, "most of us". I should really know better than to make general statements about autistic people.

I'm really surprised by the responses to this so far... thought a lot of people would agree with me... the point being that NTs are generally no better at genuine empathy than we are.

Yeah, sorry to take us off-track. Actually I agree with your theory. We just tend to be more honest people than NT's are, so our empathy seems reduced, compared to theirs. I believe that would apply in alot of instances.

of course we can be fake,
well, i can't speak for everyone; but i know i act fake sometimes
i fake the facial expressions i do and i pretend to take an interest in things that NT"S would like
just to name a couple

An Aspergian on a blog summed up empathy in our paradigm rather well:

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com ... pathy.html

I finished watching "The Paradise Syndrome" of Star Trek: The Original Series approximately 8 minutes ago. I was almost brought to tears by the romantic tragedy that was the ending of that episode. I had to make a conscious effort to hold back my tears after I had very deliberately attempted to emotionally level with Captain Kirk; a "mind meld" of my own.

Yes and no, I think. Certainly it's more difficult for us (as humans) to relate to people that are markedly different from us, and that people with AS often have a hard time expressing their empathy. However, this is not true for everyone. There were some that really do not feel capable of empathy or certain types of sympathy (see the poll I did last week on this subject).

It's a complex issue, but I generally agree that the idea that people with AS lack empathy is completely misunderstood and abused by the general population.