Why The Hell Do People Say This?

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I was talking to a volunteer counselor, because I was upset with an error made by the housing authority's computation of my rent. They had informed me that they were raising it at least 4 times over what I had been paying.

She asked if I had phoned first, and I had. I told her that I spoken to a very rude, irate person who kept talking over me and contradicting me. I then said that I was planning to write a letter to the office, since I felt that it might be better to have all conversations be in writing.

Then, she said that things were tough all over, and why couldn't I be grateful for having a roof over my head. WTF? What in hell had that to do with my issue? Whether or not I feel a certain emotion about my home, has nothing to do with administrative errors that allow people to play fast and loose with my limited
income.
Why do people say things like this?

Because they don't have a real answer, and they're trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty about all of society's ills.

There's probably some deep psychological reason why people feel angry at people who need help. One thing is for sure; she's in the wrong job.

I think it's a universal response... 'no matter what s**t your in now... it could be deeper.' As Gina said, a guilt thing of something pretty conventional in this society...
EMZ=]

For some reason, asking for help or complaining about something is terribly and utterly wrong.

Instead, you're supposed to think about all the people that are worse off than yourself.

Stupid illogical people.

Yeah, I think your volunteer counselor should go volunteer elsewhere. She sounds pretty useless. What a crock.

I don't know; she did mention that "things are bad; be glad you are not worse off", rather than, "be glad the world is nice enough to give you a roof over your head". The first one isn't as bad; it's more of a trite encouragement that doesn't really work than an ignorant accusation of being a useless individual.

In most cases, a demand letter from a lawyer is usually enough to make people like this back off and do as what is said in the demand letter.

Hartz, you're lucky that this was an extraordinary reaction you received, enough to make you remember it. Here, it's the standard FIRST reply you receive when turning for the help that you're legally due. It simply and only means they're trying to shut you up to save themselves the work. It works with a percentage of the callers, so they're left with less work.

I was raised with this attitude by my parents, so I'm allergic to it. Therefore, I'm in the (bigger) percentage of people who don't give up and shut up. I just threaten them if they don't their job and they shape up immediately.

I'll transcribe the non-verbal conversation to you, though, so that you get a clearer picture of what went on there:

Hartz: I require your services now.
Counselor: I have too much work, more than I expected I'd have. Can you manage without my services, please?

Now this is Greentea:

Greentea: They're trying to charge me 4 times the rent.
Counselor: Be glad you have a roof.
Greentea: That's a very wise comment, having a roof is indeed crucial. And that's precisely why I'm calling you. Because I won't have one anymore if you don't help. So I'm glad you understand you have to give this top priority.
Counselor: Erm...uh...well...
Greentea: This is what I want you to do. Blah, blah, blah...

But Hartz, I go through this several times a day, and every minute on the job. This place is a jungle in that sense. And here people are and have to be aggressive to get cooperation. So I don't even remember it a few minutes later. It's just standard (albeit non-verbal) negotiation between your needs and theirs. And the phony way it's done? Well, that is simply the manipulative phoniness that we know NTs favor, at play.

I've realized recently that I tend to blame NTs of things because I don't catch their nonverbal communications, so I interpret things totally different. And since others on WP are often as clueless as me to the non-verbal going on, they're unfortunately not much help in this regard, sometimes reinforcing my blindness to the actual dialogue that went on between me and the NT.

What we need is the help of an NT to translate verbally what really went on in the conversation. Failing that, we have to try and come home and decipher the non-verbal language that was hidden in that interaction that bothered us. I've realized recently that I've put NTs through unnecessary trouble because I was always taking their words literally. This happens because our ToM is so weak that we forget what the motivation is behind the person's words. In the case of someone asking for help/service, the motivation of a person is first and foremost to get out of having to work. This is pure human nature at work, and spotting it is pure ToM.

And when our Aspie blindness to the non-verbal is coupled with a history of invalidation of our problems from parents, the result is we're even more blinded to the non-verbal NT message.

Sorry for writing so long.