Unacknowledged comments and repetition

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I get upset in social situations when I come up with some commentary that I think is clever, important, and/or insightful but nobody adds to what I say or gives additional feedback. I feel that when I invest energy into talking I want feedback and when I don't get it I assume nobody listened or understood me. I always feel frustrated, maybe even slighted.

Also, when the same topic which lead to the comment the first time comes up later on I often repeat my original comment a second time almost word for word. Now that I've had the chance to interacted with other aspies I realized that many of them do the same thing, repeating the exact same joke or story to the same audience multiple times.

I'm not sure exactly what it is but for me the motivation to repeat is a sense that I need to make sure, for certain, that everyone got chance to hear my comment. It's like it takes so much mental investment to come up with a clever comment that I just can’t get over it when I don't feel acknowledged. NT's are always more at ease and are able to move on more quickly than I ever can because the interaction requires so little effort on their part.

I'm looking for feedback from both aspies and NT's here.

Huh. I have the same feelings but I'd never before connected it to being an Aspie. I tend to just feel like "Hey, I thought of something really clever... am I the only one that thinks it was clever? *slump* I might as well not even expended the energy saying it at all."

I'd be interested in finding out if there are any theories as to why it may be a common occurrence amongst Aspies in particular.

The logic/literal way of thinking tends to lean towards comments being a bit more obscure to other people, I don't get most of the jokes from NTs, so it goes both ways.

I still don't understand the lack of reaction. I have huge issues with knowing when to talk/talking out of turn, so timing is most definitely an issue that others are aware of. I find it very easy to just let it go, I'm pretty blind to awkwardness so it doesn't bother me much.

It does get frustrating when a germane comment is completely ignored.

This is a manifestation of the Aspie trait of perseveration... I sometimes do the same thing when my comments are not acknowledged. AND I tend to get louder and more insistent. Even I know that's rude.

I'm getting better at recognizing that if they didn't 'hear' it the first time, repeating it won't help.

It's annoying, though, when it was a damn good thought...

Hi, Marshall. NTs also like their clever comments to be acknowledged and may repeat them if they don't immediately receive a response. However, they would be cautious about doing this with people they don't know well, as the comment may have been ignored the first time because it was considered irrelevant or boring and to repeat it would draw further attention to a possible gaffe. Repeating a comment also suggests that you want more attention, which may make you appear needy or egocentric. Or the comment may have been ignored because it was someone else's turn to speak and listeners were politely focusing on the other speaker's conversation and ignoring your rudeness in interrupting. or the person you're speaking with may be annoyed with you and deliberately ignoring your clever comment to upset you. There are many possible factors involved, depending on the situation.

Most NTs (I'm one) constantly and subconsciously consider these factors as they speak. It's not that we're illogical or superficial (well, I'm not) but for us, a conversation operates on a number of levels simultaneously, mostly to do with social relationships. This is true even for those of us who are not very social. I hope this helps. Jenny

If nobody acknowledges it, how do you know they HEARD it?
Of course, I tend to talk really quietly, so I never really do know for sure if anyone hears me. And then once I speak up, it's too loud.

Thanks for your input. I also constantly consider those things which is why it hurts when I'm left to wonder "why" it seems like I've been ignored. I'm quit certain the issue is not that I'm interrupting. It's more likely they find my comments either too far "outside the box" or too "analytical". That's always my fear. I'm paranoid that everything I say comes across as weird. I'm usually the quietest member in any given group of NTs so whenever I do speak I appreciate being received.

Marshall, I'm very much like that, too. When I do it, I usually want some sort of acknowledgment... at least a grown. My wife often says, "...I'm sorry, did you say something?" She heard me full well, but her "lack" of acknowledgment is her acknowledgment. We like to do that to each other a lot.

I think I can relate to this. I don't usually revive it later, though. In fact, when I do make a comment that goes ignored, or at least without response, I tend to retreat into not talking at all. I'm not sure that this is the case, but it always makes me feel that I have misunderstood some type of social cue that would've told me to stop talking right before I came up with that last line. Often leads to me being an observer for the rest of the time.

Since my main social situation is at work, I usually put my earphones in and try to listen to my iPod for the rest of my time there. I am beginning to understand that this must be a coping mechanism that I developed when I was younger. Going silent so as to avoid any potential future perceived embarrassment.

Hi again, Marshall. You could be right- if your comments are perceived as odd or inappropropriate, NTs may just ignore them. This is actually a polite response- to comment on their oddness or to criticise you for them would be rude or even hostile. Polite adult NTs generally try to avoid causing embarrassment to others, but I can see how this lack of response would be puzzling. You could privately ask someone afterwards whether your comment had been off the mark in some way, but only if you knew the person well and knew they wouldn't judge you. Asking other people for that sort of feedback would risk making you look insecure and socially odd because for males, in particular, being able to dominate a discussion and hold the attention of others indicates and confers social status.

Conversational etiquette is quite complex- and some NTs aren't very good at it either. Most NTs can just "feel" what's appropriate and how others are responding- we get constant feedback via eye contact, posture, tone of voice, facial expression, etc. If you find it difficult to read those cues, conversations must be very stressful- no wonder you feel a bit paranoid. Jenny

Okay, I'm another one that didn't associate this with autism. I do this as well, though I used to be much worse about it. Generally these days I can catch myself before I start repeating my position, but I still feel like an idiot for wanting to. Like you, unless someone gives me feedback, I don't know whether what I said was well-received or not. Did I just embarrass myself? Did they just feel it was stated well and didn't require further comment?

Regards,

Patricia

I had this and I found it extremely annoying because I was trying to support a club of mine and participate in certain design discussions. But pretty much everything I ever said was ignored.
I think it has to do to lacking status in the group... if you're not expected to continually provide certain kind of feedback, your feedback will be ignored altogether. I don't see this attitude in everyone, though, some actually listen, mostly adults, mostly in special areas such as teaching. Never had any problems with teachers.

I rarely repeat myself. If they didn't want to listen the first time, they will not do so the second time.

On the other hand, we had a pure NPD for our president. Too bad I didn't figure that out BEFORE joining the club.

I'm glad to know that this behavior has a name. I hear myself more now and I try to stop myself from saying the same thing 3 times because I finally figured out it's boring and repetitive and people don't understand that what I'm really saying is "this bit here is REALLY IMPORTANT". I keep doing it though. it's like watching a train wreck.

It's not boring or repetitive. They simply choose not to understand or care. You're outside of their social construction of reality. They can't handle it. If they wanted to, they'd understand.

Most humans tend to be highly limited creatures.

I am aware of all those things and I don't think reading body language is the big issue with me.

I like to segue into topics that interest me and things I can relate to. Otherwise I can't think of anything to say. Apparently NT's don't like this. I'm not interested in 90% of the topics NT's talk about so when something comes up that's in the 10% of topics that I can actually relate to I diligently try to get at least a few words in. Only then it's awkward because I haven't said much other than some head nods and a few "oh, uh huhs" for a significant period of time. I try my best but I still feel that when I don't get a good responses to my comments people are somehow judging me for not being able to participate enough in topics that don't interest me.

I think I'm just bad at faking an interest in a topic for the sake of other people. I can't automatically get into something just because the rest of the group is into it. I seriously think NT's somehow unconsciously condition themselves to be interested in whatever everyone else is interested in for the sake of forming social bonds. Why else do 95% of guys like to talk about professional sports? How can they all be that into something so utterly boring? Are aspies missing this subconscious psychological conditioning to conform?

Who knows. Maybe it's a lost cause for me. I just don't relate to people IRL and find the vast majority of them un-stimulating.