Where do I start with this? Let's see. From preschool until 2nd grade, I was in classrooms with other special ed kids only, and had to take kindergarten 2ce, because I had a language learning delay. As my dad told me about this, he used to say that at 1st him and my mom were worried that I was autistic or ret*d, but when I hugged him when he gave me my 1st bed, he knew that I was intelligent. Also, at 1st he would say that the elementary school psychologist diagnosed me as either autistic or ret*d for the sake of making money, even though he would also say that the 1st elementary school I went to was the only school in the area that offered the services I needed at the time. He would complain that I was placed in a classroom together with people who were ret*d and in wheelchairs and would also complain about my friend's mom who said a condescending comment to her own son by calling him stupid and looking down on him. Later on, when my academic skills improved enough, my dad took me out of special ed and put me in a regular school. At the school I went to I had a fairly good academic performance, but I had problems fitting in. Yet my dad would keep on complaining about how the last school psychologist diagnosed me for the sake of making money, and every time he saw a strange behavior he would complain that I picked it up from the other kids at special ed. Another reason he gave me for taking me out was that if I were to believe I was autistic then I wouldn't believe in my ability to perform well academically.
When growing up, I just passively went along with what was said, even though I knew that my behaviors weren't picked up from anyone. I didn't start questioning his logic until recently, in my 20's, when diagnosed with Asperger's. Ever since then, I have been learning new information about the way I was like when I was a kid that my parents hadn't told me before. I brought up the issue with my dad a while ago. I told him that I always felt different when I was a kid, and I told him about PDD-NOS, which is a diagnosis for people that don't quite fit all the criteria for autism, and he replied that the term sounds familiar. He suggested that maybe autism is like a spectrum and questioned whether he should have taken me out of special ed, but he said that the kids were mean to me because of the stigma of being from special ed. Then he said, but the really good psychologist I took you to said that you were ONLY developmentally delayed. He never clarified whether the other psychologist specifically said if I was or was not autistic. What really bugs me is that my parents always mention that the school psychologist said I could be autistic, but they never explicitly state to me, themselves, that maybe I could be autistic. It's as if they went to the opposite extreme that my friend's parents went to, by exaggerating my strengths but still viewing things in black and white and not seeing the whole picture. It's almost as if they treat the possibility of me being autistic as a taboo subject.
Yet, at the same time, I've never told them that I got diagnosed with Asperger's because I don't think they'd believe it. 1st of all, I think that they'd follow the same pattern by comparing me to the most extreme examples in the media, and denying that I have it. 2nd of all, the psychologist that diagnosed me was so cold that I don't think it would have been a good idea if he had talked to my parents about the diagnosis. I felt that my psychologist went to another extreme, because I got into a quarrel with him because I was upset about something. And from that point on after the diagnosis, my psychologist overgeneralized every single negative behavior as attributed to AS.
At 1st I didn't want to bother with a 3rd opinion because of the fear of stressing my dad out, (My dad has high blood pressure and cholesterol) and because of not knowing whether the diagnosis would make my older sister treat me better or worse. (Currently, she tends to be overly controlling and overly critical. Also, I'm given directions on the most basic things, like doing the dishes one time, for instance.) But, I've kept on obsessing about the issue over and over again, so I figure that I might as well get the diagnosis done with. Also, there's an unsettling feeling with hiding this issue in the closet (though, many of my friends know) away from my family members, especially during the time of Autistic Pride Day. It feels like there's a sense of justice that needs to be given to my situation, and I'm unsure about what career path would be a good match for me, so who knows, maybe I could even get help from a disability job placement agency. Sorry this rant is so long. Anyway, what do you guys think?
I just hope that I'd be able to afford seeing the autism specialist, and if not, I don't know what I could do. It would be weird asking my parents for help with the money for another diagnosis considering how long they had been avoiding the issue. I wonder if I should also tell them the story with the psychologist that diagnosed me with AS in college.
03 Jul 2009, 1:00 am
