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DW_a_mom
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16 Apr 2011, 4:23 pm

Loborojo wrote:
Hi,

I have seemed to ask this question for ages to NTs, and always assumed that NTs do ask this also. But I have always assumed that NTs would interpret questions like "Are you angry?" or "Are you upset?" as "Don't you like me?" which would indicate a lack of self confidence. But my friend who worked all her life with children with special needs, says NTs it only shows your inability reading facial expressions.

See, my friend I live with seems to have a constant grimace on her face (which I hesitate to categorise between serious, upset, angry, resentful, worrying, indifferent)

So, is it true what she says, is my constant asking of this question a proof that I cannot read faces and that NTs rarely ask such a question?


It may be less a comment on your ability to read all faces than your ability to read this person's face. If someone asks me if I'm angry, I simply assume that I have not given off a clear social clue for any of a variety of reaons and I answer the question. Even in the NT world, not all social cues are clear all the time, so sometimes it is helpful to simply ask. I MUCH prefer people ask than assume the wrong thing.

I've noticed many people with AS learn to stop asking questions. Perhaps there were too many early experiences with questions that get laughed at; I don't know. Regardless of the reason, it isn't a very good practice during adult life. If you don't ask, that means you are assuming, and when you are assuming, as the saying goes (which I'll paraphrase), you have a real good chance of being wrong and making yourself look more foolish. So ... just ASK. If you have to soften the question with, "I have trouble reading facial expressions" so be it.

One caution: people born with naturally turned down mouths and other scowlish features can get touchy about being asked because, well, they get asked an awful lot. If you get a negative reaction, you can just apologize, and say, "I didn't mean to offend you, I just get confused easily by facial expressions. It isn't just yours." Deflecting back to yourself can almost always make peace. That's one of the first tricks I learned.


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DW_a_mom
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16 Apr 2011, 4:33 pm

Loborojo wrote:
Hi,

I have seemed to ask this question for ages to NTs, and always assumed that NTs do ask this also. But I have always assumed that NTs would interpret questions like "Are you angry?" or "Are you upset?" as "Don't you like me?" which would indicate a lack of self confidence. But my friend who worked all her life with children with special needs, says NTs it only shows your inability reading facial expressions.

See, my friend I live with seems to have a constant grimace on her face (which I hesitate to categorise between serious, upset, angry, resentful, worrying, indifferent)

So, is it true what she says, is my constant asking of this question a proof that I cannot read faces and that NTs rarely ask such a question?


It may be less a comment on your ability to read all faces than your ability to read this person's face. If someone asks me if I'm angry, I simply assume that I have not given off a clear social clue for any of a variety of reaons and I answer the question. Even in the NT world, not all social cues are clear all the time, so sometimes it is helpful to simply ask. I MUCH prefer people ask than assume the wrong thing.

I've noticed many people with AS learn to stop asking questions. Perhaps there were too many early experiences with questions that get laughed at; I don't know. Regardless of the reason, it isn't a very good practice during adult life. If you don't ask, that means you are assuming, and when you are assuming, as the saying goes (which I'll paraphrase), you have a real good chance of being wrong and making yourself look more foolish. So ... just ASK. If you have to soften the question with, "I have trouble reading facial expressions" so be it.

One caution: people born with naturally turned down mouths and other scowlish features can get touchy about being asked because, well, they get asked an awful lot. If you get a negative reaction, you can just apologize, and say, "I didn't mean to offend you, I just get confused easily by facial expressions. It isn't just yours." Deflecting back to yourself can almost always make peace. That's one of the first tricks I learned.


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Loborojo
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17 Apr 2011, 3:03 am

Well, yes, when I said to her that she has a grimace on her face, she was put off. "Thank you", she said angrily. I have done the test of facial recognition online, although you see only eyes, I got 33 which is above the average of recognizing. But I wonder if that is then a correct diagnosis. In real life I seem to always ask people if they are angry or annoyed by or if I said something wrong. So, I don't whether I really can read faces.


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17 Apr 2011, 3:35 pm

Hello all, I'm conducting a study with online tests and aspergers and using the data gathered from the first round of testing, it was found which tests were most closely associated with aspergers and which ones weren't, and the "core tests" list on the testing thread has been updated to reflect that. If you've already taken a few of the tests, it'd be extremely helpful if you could take the newly added tests to the "core tests" list so that the model can be improved in the second round.

For the testing thread, please see http://www.wrongplanet.net/posts157848-highlight.html . Thanks in advance!



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22 Apr 2011, 4:38 pm

Hello everyone!

I'm trying to start a program for adults with autism. This program can be a viable career option, a learning apparatus, a tool for social network, and a bridge to the community at large. Please look at my video, it's entered into a city-wide contest and if I win I will get funding and business support to get this initiative up and running.

As a sister to a young adult with autism, I recognize the importance of facilitating this change now and not later. I have worked with countless individuals with autism as an ABA therapist and the interest is out there...we just need to come together as a community.

Go to projectwildfire dot com and vote for CLEAN PLANET by Nadia Hamilton. Please view and be sure to VOTE for me (one vote a day)!

Thank you and have a great weekend! :D



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24 Apr 2011, 3:50 pm

on a random note, NT's lie without the bat of an eye. they can carry on lives based on lies for years, and never feel an ounce of guilt... as an aspie living in the real world, we are like goldfish living in a sea of piranhas. the key for us is to grow some fangs...


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24 Apr 2011, 4:26 pm

Boomshika wrote:
on a random note, NT's lie without the bat of an eye. they can carry on lives based on lies for years, and never feel an ounce of guilt... as an aspie living in the real world, we are like goldfish living in a sea of piranhas. the key for us is to grow some fangs...


8O



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24 Apr 2011, 4:28 pm

DenvrDave wrote:
Boomshika wrote:
on a random note, NT's lie without the bat of an eye. they can carry on lives based on lies for years, and never feel an ounce of guilt... as an aspie living in the real world, we are like goldfish living in a sea of piranhas. the key for us is to grow some fangs...


8O


It must come as a shock to you Dave to discover all these things about yourself? :lol:


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joestenr
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24 Apr 2011, 8:09 pm

Kricky7 wrote:
I have been in a relationship with an Aspie male for a little over a year. I absolutely love his mind and individualism. We tend to get along really well when we are together, but when we are apart I'll get a text or email out of the blue that says "this has to end because it can't go anywhere. It will never work. I cannot love you like you deserve. I will never fit into your world." I try to reassure him that I don't share this sentiment and that usually angers him to the point that he screams at me that he never wants to see or talk to me again followed by a week or two of absolutely no contact. During that time I stay in touch via email just being a constant in his life and telling him about my comings and goings, nothing too heavy usually but an occasional I do really love you and want you in my life and I know we can make it work. After the weeks of silence, he comes back around and things return to normal. If I ask him point blank if he truly means when he says those things and does he really want me out of his life, he won't respond. Not yes, not no. I guess I'm at a loss. It's been happening more and more frequently. I feel like I'm being tested for loyalty or something, but maybe he does want the relationship to be over and doesn't know how to tell me? I'm not sure how to handle. We are both divorced with children and are professionals in our forties. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated!


your boyfriend pretty much sounds like me. We tend to hide behind social masks, or receed into silence when were confused, or scared. There are often blocks you could never imagine between what we feel and the ability to express it to the outside world.
I will also tell you that I always had a problem with calling it what it is. for example most of my longest lasting and closest relationships became that when we agreed to be best friends who happen to hang out alot, cuddle, and have monogamous sex,. It takes an enormous amount of the anxiety out of the equation. A lover as someone who was a risk, they could tear my heart to shreds. A friend on the other hand is safe its someone you can open yourself up to, and truly love.
I may be entirely wrong, but It could be worth a try.



joestenr
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24 Apr 2011, 8:13 pm

Kricky7 wrote:
I have been in a relationship with an Aspie male for a little over a year. I absolutely love his mind and individualism. We tend to get along really well when we are together, but when we are apart I'll get a text or email out of the blue that says "this has to end because it can't go anywhere. It will never work. I cannot love you like you deserve. I will never fit into your world." I try to reassure him that I don't share this sentiment and that usually angers him to the point that he screams at me that he never wants to see or talk to me again followed by a week or two of absolutely no contact. During that time I stay in touch via email just being a constant in his life and telling him about my comings and goings, nothing too heavy usually but an occasional I do really love you and want you in my life and I know we can make it work. After the weeks of silence, he comes back around and things return to normal. If I ask him point blank if he truly means when he says those things and does he really want me out of his life, he won't respond. Not yes, not no. I guess I'm at a loss. It's been happening more and more frequently. I feel like I'm being tested for loyalty or something, but maybe he does want the relationship to be over and doesn't know how to tell me? I'm not sure how to handle. We are both divorced with children and are professionals in our forties. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated!



DenvrDave
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24 Apr 2011, 8:31 pm

Moog wrote:
DenvrDave wrote:
Boomshika wrote:
on a random note, NT's lie without the bat of an eye. they can carry on lives based on lies for years, and never feel an ounce of guilt... as an aspie living in the real world, we are like goldfish living in a sea of piranhas. the key for us is to grow some fangs...


8O


It must come as a shock to you Dave to discover all these things about yourself? :lol:


Not only that, but apparently these things are so transparent that even strangers on the internet can see right through :wink:



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25 Apr 2011, 4:10 am

Boomshika wrote:
on a random note, NT's lie without the bat of an eye. they can carry on lives based on lies for years, and never feel an ounce of guilt... as an aspie living in the real world, we are like goldfish living in a sea of piranhas. the key for us is to grow some fangs...


Please, that's very insulting, not all NTs are like that. If you have to moan about NTs, at least don't do it in the thread that they often frequent. Use the Haven or something.


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Jacs
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25 Apr 2011, 1:30 pm

Can someone please explain to me how you can 'choose something at radom' ?

A freind of mine said the were looking for a presentation box to put a gift in however, they all looked the same so she 'choose one at radom'. I argued with her saying that's not possible.

To me if you choose something, you do so for a reason, even if its only because its the nearest thing to you, and therefore it can not be radom. I said this to her and I think she thought I was mad!


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25 Apr 2011, 1:36 pm

Jacs wrote:
Can someone please explain to me how you can 'choose something at radom' ?

A freind of mine said the were looking for a presentation box to put a gift in however, they all looked the same so she 'choose one at radom'. I argued with her saying that's not possible.

To me if you choose something, you do so for a reason, even if its only because its the nearest thing to you, and therefore it can not be radom. I said this to her and I think she thought I was mad!


There's a thread in Random Discussion called 'Say Something Random' or the like. You won't like that. :lol:


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Mysty
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25 Apr 2011, 10:11 pm

Jacs wrote:
Can someone please explain to me how you can 'choose something at radom' ?

A freind of mine said the were looking for a presentation box to put a gift in however, they all looked the same so she 'choose one at radom'. I argued with her saying that's not possible.

To me if you choose something, you do so for a reason, even if its only because its the nearest thing to you, and therefore it can not be radom. I said this to her and I think she thought I was mad!


You mean at random, right?

It just means, pick one, and it doesn't matter which you pick or why you picked it.


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26 Apr 2011, 4:31 pm

Agreed. Nothing is ever random. Not even computers.


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