First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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What causes the feeling of connectedness in the first place? Do you feel connectedness even when the person you're talking to is someone you've just meet?

I'm asking this mainly because if I go and meet a random person off the street I usually feel like there is no connection. I don't ever feel a connection until a topic comes up that shows that we have something in common. I can't talk at all to people who have completely different interests from me.



I have this problem most of the time lately, only it's my own boredom and sense of isolation that distracts me. Often all I can think of is "I want to get out of here and do something better with my time". It seems to be a combination of autistic traits and my chronic depression. The symptoms seem to multiply each other in terms of making socializing difficult.

Anyways, thank you for you're response. Very helpful for me.

I don't particularly want to talk to someone random off the street but if I meet someone that I find interesting then I like listening to what they have to say and sometimes learn something new.

I can be bored by people that I like also. I like them but I don't really want to hear them talk all the time, like my mother.

I think it's the same for almost anyone, it's hard to "fake it" when your really not interested. When I do it then the talk becomes "blah blah blah". I tend to stick to generalities and keep things on the light side so it doesn't become boring. Hope that made sense.

To the NTs, and I suppose the non-asexuals:
When you're in a relationship, and you're worried about something the other person might be thinking or feeling, why is it so hard to ask them?

I suppose it's hard to ask about the other person's feelings for several reasons. If the relationship is important to you, you may be anxious about the answer that you will receive- it may suggest that the other person is having doubts about the relationship continuing. Also, asking questions of this kind may give the impression that you are feeling insecure about the relationship, and you may fear seeming too clingy or needy. Or you may fear that asking a question like this will open up a discussion about other painful issues in the relationship and lead to arguments or tension. A lot depends on the type of relationship you have- I've been happily married for a long time, so I just ask my husband questions without worrying too much.- I usually know what the answer is going to be, anyway. I hope this is helpful. Jenny

Afraid of the answer being negative, afraid you might annoy them. Sometimes our imaginations can run wild while it would be much simpler to just ask.

WOW, I love the straight to the point, totally honest answers!

Janissy, thank you very much for your answers. No wonder I'm so isolated from the world - if there's any similarity between what NTs are like and what I am like, it's purely coincidential.

What causes the feeling of connectedness in the first place? That we're all just people. That's going to sound all foofy and kumbayah on this board but it really is how it feels to me. Of course the feeling gets suspended if my alerts go off and I feel the person could be a threat to me. And some people are giving off what feels like "leave me ALONE!! !" vibes and so I do. But in general, it really is a we're-all-just-humans-here connection. This is just the extrovert personality type. It isn't shared by a lot of NT people.

Marshall, I'm much like you in this respect, except that I can usually fudge my way through conversations where I perceive that I have nothing in common with the person. I just don't enjoy talking to a "random person off the street" unless there is a bit more than coincidental context to the person. For instance, if the person has shown up to do a particular activity of mine that I really enjoy, I am usually very outwardly friendly. I use the activity as sort of a filter where only interesting people can get through.

Like Janissy, I also feel that "we're-all-just-humans-here" sense of connectedness with most people, unless, as Janissy says, they seem threatening or overtly unwelcoming. I actually quite enjoy talking with "random people" I've just met and getting glimpses into their lives- that's pretty much what we all do on a forum like this, after all. It's probably fortunate that I DO enjoy it- as a teacher in a large school, I interact and chat with dozens of people every day- students, colleagues, parents, etc. I don't think it's purely an extrovert trait, though, as I'm definitely an introvert. One type of social interaction that I DON'T enjoy is standing around at a social function with people I know, making superficial smalltalk- I can DO it, but I find it dull and uncomfortable and I avoid it when I can. It's the artificiality of the situation that bothers me, not the people themselves. Jenny

My mother is also like this. She can talk to almost anyone. She's was also a social worker at a school before she retired.

I deeply envy this ability to find enjoyment in talking to anyone. I don't feel any connection to people just because they're human. Maybe this is wrong but often I just look at someone and intuitively judge that I have nothing in common or that they will be unintelligent and boring to talk to.

This is a wonderful idea!! Can we have a separate forum for that? Something like the NT/AS exchange??

I must say Janissy, you are doing a WONDERFUL job at explaining things. WOW
There is no way I could be half as clear as you.

I so wish we could, natesmom! But last time I asked Alex for a separate forum for a highly justified and supported cause, he refused. It was a forum for older people who live with the unique challenge that we discovered the existence of Asperger's when it was too late for anything anymore after a lifetime of self-blame and shame. Recently-diagnosed older Aspies have their unique topics that are neither relevant nor positive for younger ones to hear about. Things the younger would be better off not knowing about. So we "Aspie oldies" need to shut up a lot on the forums, and that's very painful to us when we've at last found others in our same situation.

I don't have a problem being direct and just asking but I don't think I am a typical NT person (ADHD, nonverbal difficulties, sensory). At the same time, it has a lot to do with my personality. No offense midwestern people, but I lived in the midwest for a year and really couldn't stand it. Most people there seem really indirect.

I had difficulties in a work relationship and directly asked this one person if I was doing something that bothered her. She said, "Oh no, everything is going well." Three days later my boss told me otherwise. I told her what this coworker had told me. My boss said, "That's interesting, she told me something very different." She then said that most people seem to have difficulties with direct confrontation and direct honesty.

Living on the east coast in Maryland and WA DC, a different picture emerged. People really tell you what they think. I do believe some of it has to do with personality and culture and not just an NT thing. Perhaps I am wrong

If it's an actual close relationship, I am still pretty direct. The interesting thing is that my AS husband is not direct with me. That could be due to his upbringing. his mom is from the midwest and he has been raised not to be direct in anything. Again, I don't know if this is related or not.

I am so direct that I don't know if I am being rude or not. I honestly wonder if I have symptoms of AS as well. I think it could be an ADHD thing

Last edited by natesmom on 07 Jul 2009, 1:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think that is a wonderful idea that you had!! In my ADHD forum, there are locked forums. You need to have an extensive history with the forum and show that you should go into that forum (i.e., older people with AS for your idea). In your situation, you would be able to go into the forum without fear of getting flamed by others.

I wonder if some people can just talk with Alex again. He seems like a nice person.

In my country's Autistics website we have forums that are for dialogue with NTs, and forums that are for sharing among Aspies only. I don't think that such a separation is necessary in WP (in my country there's an issue of privacy because it's a tiny country), but having a forum specifically for non-debatable mutual feedback would be a gem that would only make WP even more unique and a world leader in its field than it already is. I suck at persuasion, though, it's my weakest Aspie trait, so I won't even try again with Alex.

I have no idea if I am answering your question.

I can't stand silences in conversations so I will fill it with just verbal jargon which is a lot of words with hardly any meaning (make sense). It could be an impulsive ADHD thing.

I will usually try to make a connection with that person by saying what I think they want to hear or I will just ask them some questions about themselves.
When they start talking about themselves, I nod or shake my head (depending on what they are saying). When they talk, I focus on my facial expressions and body language to try and make them match the conversation. I then think of something to say that would make them feel good or show them that I can empathize in a way that would let them feel I am saying "hey, I follow what you are saying or I understand."

Sometimes, I just want to talk, vent and don't even think about how the other person feels but I do expect them to have some of the NT characteristics instead of just walking away of not convey to me that they have at least followed the conversation. When I do this, I don't talk to have a purpose regarding the next purpose except for them to give their opinion in some way. My husband really doesn't do that - give his opinion or at least nod his head in understanding. that is hard for me but I have to find a way to just except that is how he is wired.

What I want to know is how much of it? Does everything NT's say have a purpose regarding the next person?[/quote] So, how much do I say as a purpose regarding the next purpose? I would say about 85% of the time. Most people who are AS make perceive me by doing it more. I haven't really thought about it so the number could be higher. I will pay attention today and see. A lot of times, I really just want their opinion.