How should I handle this situation?

Post Reply New Topic

I have been joining a Young Adult's Aspergers social gathering not too far where I live. And it is hosted in someone else's home.
I have been having constant troubles with the hostess daughter whom is also Asperger's, and for whatever reason, she does not like me. She has been playing video games down in her basement, but whenever she's down there and she knows I'm there, she starts yelling things like: Japanese, Pokemon, things that relate to me. And today when I was waiting for my ride to pick me up, I was "supposedly" in her way, and she was silently giving me the notion to "get out of her way" and to add to that, she banged on the door to open it. I have literally done nothing wrong, but become a guest in her house. Her mother told me that she becomes jealous very easily and from what I have seen from her (Aspie daughter) she has aggressive issues, really badly. I had a talk with her mother, and I honestly felt like she was defending her. Her daughter's 21, so was it a waste of my breath to even talk to her mother about what her daughter was doing? Should I just stay away from this person, since her mother said her daughter gets along with guys better, anyways? I don't know what to do. Either quit going or keep going?

I wonder if the meeting could be held at a different venue, and this individual not invited? Or at least tell her/her mother she won't be invited if she can't get along with others? Do other females in the group get that kind of abuse? Does it seem situational? Does she act out in a different setting than her home? I hate to not include everyone, but if the mother isn't going to intervene to tell the daughter it is inappropriate to be abusive or figure out a way to work things out so no one is being made a victim, then it will just escalate - she might just well go from screaming to hitting if you continue going, just be aware. No one should have to put up with being abused - it doesn't matter what you have supposedly have done, or if the 21-year-old gets jealous easily, you don't deserve to be harassed. I wish you good luck, hopefully there is a solution~

There's not a lot of choices. You either quit going or you can keep going and hope she becomes nice. If I were in your situation I would probably quit going but some people don't like that option and want to stand their ground. The mom defending her? Who knows what's going on there. Maybe it seems like she is defending her but she really isn't. She is privy to something and is explaing matter of factly or making excuses or something. It might not be anything personal against you either, just part of the AS.

Thanks for your replies. And I have talked to my father about this too. And he also said "Either keep going or quit going, your old enough to decide for yourself". Honestly, I think I'm going to quit going, because, I have been abused far too long by too many people to be abused again by someone who can't even love herself. What is really bothering when I go is that the group of plays the video games, they make racist remarks about me saying that my hair is "nappy" and that I'm "black". I am the only biracial person at these meetings! And, what makes me laugh is: The hostess daughter is fine with the other female autistic that was down in the basement. She didn't have a problem with her at all. Honestly, I've been happy the way I was made, and for so many years, I've let the voices of bigots and people who only cared about their wants and needs judge me. I honestly feel as though, this world is not safe to be in at all.

Last edited by fukai_otaku on 26 Jul 2009, 7:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Honestly, in that situation, going to someone's house and them being that rude to me I wouldn't go back. I have had stuff like that happen to me, too, not the exact same thing but similar, and it is what creates the distance. Sadly, sometimes there's nothing else you can do about it but to not make yourself available to hear the insults and put up with it.

If everyone makes fun of you why would you want to continue going in the first place? The only reason to stay would be if you made friends there, or if it helped you. It doesn't sound like your benefiting from this at all.

How is this group organized? You said it's a group for young adults with AS.. if it's organized through any kind of autism organization, I'd think there'd be some kind of rules against behaviour like that. They can't call themselves a group for people with AS if they exclude and harass people based on race. (And allowing someone to be harrassed out of going to meetings IS excluding!)
I dunno.. I mean, if I were you I probably wouldn't want to continue going.. but if it's one or two people that's instigating the BS, then the bad attitudes might stop if those people weren't there to incite it.

I have two beautiful bi-racial children and every time I hear something like this, I get so very angry.

Yesterday's meet-up was my last time going. I feel better now that I've slept on it.
Once again, thanks for everyone's concern.
P.S.- This social gathering is ran by an Autism organization. It is benefiting the hostess daughter since she is an adult whom has Aspergers.

Good decision.

If this girl still behaves like this at the age of 21, it's a sign of some serious discipline problems. Probably the same with the other "adult kids" in the group. The fact that the mother said things like "Oh, don't mind her, she gets jealous" speaks volumes.

Her mother has seemed to imply that it's "okay" to be rude to anyone she feels like being rude to. That kind of stuff tends to be learned behaviour, from seeing that the authority figures seem to be okay with it. In her mother's mind, it's the GUESTS that should tolerate her behaviour, because she's "developmentally disabled" and "doesn't know any better".

I emailed the hostess saying, that, "It looks like you need to tend to your daughter's Asperger's more, by telling her what's socially appropriate and what won't be tolerated before these gatherings start." I maybe out of place to speak to her in that sense, since I am not a parent. Am I? When I received her email stating that her daughter would "never say anything racial or bad, and that she wouldn't tolerate it". I felt the same thing that I've always felt when I try to talk to people about when their behavior hurts me, like no one believes me. On the other hand, I have been very thankful for all of your replies and knowing that I am not alone in this situation. Thanks, guys!

I think you could contact the autism organization that's organizing this event. They can't be allowing people to be chased out of the group based on race. Particularly if they're claiming to be any kind of non-profit organization, if they're caught encouraging racial discrimination (which they're doing by having group sponsored meetings you're being chased out of for your race).. they'll be up s*** creek without a paddle..
This is a group for people with social skills problems, which means that a lot of people in the group are using it to try to learn what is and is not social acceptable... and this group is causing racial discrimination to fall into the "acceptable" category for some of these people. Probably some of the people in the group don't have much experience socializing and don't necessarily know what's generally considered appropriate. Not to minimize your discomfort or anything, but this goes beyond hurting your feelings and making you uncomfortable. People in the group are learning that it's socially acceptable to do that, and people who wouldn't have done it otherwise are going to go out other places and do it.

The mother asked me to delete my comment about how I felt about yesterday's meeting, as well as mentioning her daughter's name and behavior. She even told me that one member told her that my comment was making her group "look bad." Furthermore, she said that it was unfair to label her daughter as saying any of those things when she didn't hear it herself. And I did address it to her yesterday while at the meeting. I really feel like every time I hear something, and, I do hear even the most unusual sounds around me when others do not, it frustrates me that the rest of the world just doesn't notice it. Or, when I say anything about when I heard something uncomfortable, it's the usual, "Oh, that's not what he/she said.."
The mother said that she would talk to her daughter and the group who are usually down in the basement at the next meeting, and she also said that they are loud and can get carried away when they are playing a video game.

I know what a huge problem was from yesterday was: Overdoing it as Starbucks!! I had a venti iced white chocolate mocha, and then later, before heading over to the social group, a venti iced white chocolate mocha!
I seriously think the caffeine hasn't left my system yet. The hostess of the group was trying her best to handle what was a large group of autistic adults at this gathering yesterday. She emailed me just a few minutes ago, that she really wants me to return to these group meetings. She also mentioned that she couldn't be upstairs with half of the group as well as in the basement, monitoring the group that was playing video games. I feel bad for the way I acted this entire time. I didn't understand just how much work it was for her. She said that the group has been growing more popular due to the need for more autistic adults needing more interaction than children are getting, in a way.

Thanks to everyone who replied, and sorry for the over dramatic posts.

Last edited by fukai_otaku on 27 Jul 2009, 10:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

You're not making it "look bad," SHE is making it "look bad." You're just talking about it. And it doesn't just "look bad" it is bad. The organization that runs the group needs to know about this.
Getting "carried away" by making nasty racial comments is not acceptable. This is a group for young adults run by an autism organization. If she wants to make it some kind of private club in her basement, then they can say whatever they want, and there's not much anyone can do about it. But if they're going to call themselves a group for people with AS and claim affiliation to an autism organization, they can't pull crap like that.
Yea, of course it looks bad. They're chasing you away by making nasty racial comments. It's certainly not good!
Unless the mother wants to take it upon herself to supervise her daughter 24/7, she can't claim that it doesn't "count" if her daughter does something wrong outside her presence.
She's probably just making excuses because she knows that what's been going on has been inappropriate.

The only problem is the hostess is the organizer of these meetings. I checked out the listing of the group on the site meetup.com, and I'm out of luck. I wouldn't be able to get anywhere, so I'm not going to go any longer. I just think it's sad, that her daughter hasn't been given a chance to live a life that's outside of her autistic comfort zone. It can be really exciting if you give it a try.

So, it's a bit of a misunderstanding? Maybe they were yelling at the video game. That could be true. Sounds like the group needs a few more volunteers tho.
Well, glad you got it all straightened out.