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01 Aug 2009, 9:44 am

I am not sure what word to use.


Does anyone ever feel this way when people know you have AS but they don't even tell you to not say X to someone when they say X about that person or them getting mad at you for saying something to them and you didn't mean to offend but they still got mad even though they know you have AS or autism and you are left hurt.


I am referring to to this thread here:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt104399.html



My parents know I have AS and so do my grandparents and I think my uncle John knows too and my husband also knows but none of them didn't tell me to not say this to my aunt Susan and her husband because it might hurt her feelings. I would have asked them why and they probably would have explained the word cheap to me and what it really means. But I felt hurt after what happened because they know I have AS and none of them told me to not say this to my aunt and uncle and cousin and telling me why. Instead they all laughed at what I said so how was I supposed to know it hurt my aunt?
My husband had to explain to me they did not see this coming because they did not think of the future and they were so excited and having a good time, they did not even think of the future. Even he didn't think of it for the same reason and now he takes the blame for all this because he said he should have seen this coming because he knows me and he wishes he helped me with my thank you cards than leaving me alone with them but he was at work when I did them and he mailed them off for me but he didn't think of me saying that to them.

I remember another situation where I was 18 and I had been friends with one of my aspie friends for a year and one day we were chatting and he was talking about his weight and I asked him if he was fat and he signed off. I thought it was maybe a power failure or bad connection or maybe he was having a storm and the power went out. A week later I found out he blocked me because he was hurt by the question I asked and I felt hurt because he knows I have AS and I couldn't understand how he could think I was being insensitive and I thought he should know I would never intentionally hurt him. So how could he treat me like I was a none aspie? He came back eventually apologizing but it didn't seem to be enough because we have not chatted much since then. Sometimes apologies doesn't even patch things up because the scar is left. It hurt so much.

I remember another time when I was 14, my had a misunderstanding with one of my teachers from my resource room (special ed) and she told me "no more of that" so i stop and then she got mad at me when she heard me asking another girl in my PE glass what if her last name was Ball and my teacher got mad at me. I was doing funny names and when I said Harry Balz (balls) she got mad so I stopped and did another name. When I told my mom about it, she said "Remember stop that teasing? She meant no more funny names, that's part of Aspergers" and I got upset because for god sakes she works in the resource room and she should know so how could she get mad at me for a misunderstanding for something I couldn't even help? My mom said she was just an aid so she doesn't know everything about all her students in there but I still couldn't help feeling hurt by it.
So I was mad at her for days I couldn't even come to school so I was at home for about a week until the teacher of the resource room came back to school after she was done being sick.


Does anyone ever feel hurt by all this when people know of your condition but they still get mad at you for when you do an aspie thing?



Last edited by Spokane_Girl on 01 Aug 2009, 10:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ChangelingGirl
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01 Aug 2009, 9:53 am

Yes, many people expect me to understand what they mean if they say like "Stop that." And then when I misunderstand them and end up doing something they wanted me to stop, they get mad with me and say I'm not trying, am egoistic/antisocial/whatever. I feel hurt by this. Depending on who says such stuff I either just ignore them and try to forget that I'm hurt (like if it's someone who would be offended if I told them about AS), or I talk it through with the person (if I think they will understand my perspective).



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01 Aug 2009, 10:25 am

I turn to them and say " I apologize if my seemingly normal aspect and appearance misleads you into thinking that my neurological condition is somehow not active during this interaction, but I assure you, it is a pervasive condition and will be a factor in any and all interactions with me. If you don't understand what I just said to you, then realize your communications to me are just as incomprehensible.'

I usually get a blank stare. Which I am probably returning to them. I have to be the interpreter. Not only are we stranger than they understand.

we are stranger than they CAN understand.


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DaWalker
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01 Aug 2009, 10:30 am

:wtg: :heart:

Consider it Plagiarized :lol:



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01 Aug 2009, 10:30 am

If I say anything I just say I apologise for the blunt remark and continue on if I have aspergers, PDD it is not their right to know of why I am different anyways I think using the whole I'm aspie thing easily gets overused it could just mean that you are actually a jerk with aspergers or PDD or high functioning autism

At my college there was a guy who always blamed his dyslexia and it just is so blatent and kinda annoying that yes you have dyslexia but yo are frankly just a t**t with dyslexia and nothing else



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01 Aug 2009, 11:18 am

im a jerk, its all true. but only online, i cant seem to project my niceness on the internet. oh well, i'd really hate walking around letting someone else bother me so much that it ruins my entire day so here i am. thy jerkness :jester:


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01 Aug 2009, 11:28 am

Quote:
Does anyone ever feel hurt by all this when people know of your condition but they still get mad at you for when you do an aspie thing?


This is always so puzzling to me. Especially when it's other Aspies that get mad at you for something they could very easily have done themselves given the circumstances. I guess all we can do is try to learn from the experience and try to keep our distance as much as possible from those types of people. I don't think an explanation about your condition should be provided because most of the time it would only be considered an excuse to try and justify your behavior. It would fall on deaf ears anyway.

I had a very similar experience regarding hurting the feelings of one of my aunts when I was about 14 years old. I had overheard a conversation between my mother and a few other aunts who didn't care much for this particular aunt whom I liked very much. They said she never cleaned her house and that when one of the other aunts lived with her, she was treated like a slave and expected to do all of the house work.

So, I went to stay with my aunt for a week one summer and while I was there I made numerous comments about the house being dirty. I actually went looking for "the dirt" like on top of the refrigerator and under the beds and then I would point it out to my aunt. But the worse thing was I wrote a letter to a friend back home saying how dirty the house was and how I wasn't having much fun because I had to do all the housework - which was an exageration, if not an out and out lie just to make my letter more interesting to my friend. The idea of being a slave to my aunt, though untrue, seemed funny to me and it seemed exciting to imagine and tell my friend that my aunt was working me to death. :lol:

I forgot and left the letter on the kitchen table unsealed and my aunt read it. She broke down in tears, called my uncle (who was my father's brother) and when he came home from work he gave me a terrible lecture on what an ungrateful little brat I was. He called my father and told him what I said in the letter and then they sent me home on the train. I really hurt those people without intending to. I loved them best out of all my aunts and uncles. But I couldn't tell him why I said those things because that would mean ratting on my mother and my other aunts. I always regret writing that letter but I learned a very good lesson from the experience.

Hopefully, when this all blows over, your relationship with your aunt will be restored. At least, you have learned a good lesson. What's done is done. Try not to dwell on it too much. You did apologize and that is a very good start.



01 Aug 2009, 9:43 pm

^Your experience reminds me of a story my mother told me^


She told me when I was seven, I heard her talking to my dad in the kitchen and she was telling him about how she was at the Luers' house and they had up this wall paper and she said how people were so into staring at it because of the wall paper they couldn't pay attention to her talking and then she said to my dad she isn't like them. I heard it and thought she was saying she doesn't like them so one day I see her talking to her and I walk up to her and I say "Mom why are you talking to her? You said you don't like her" and the lady's eyes goes wide and my mom apologizes and tells her she doesn't know where I got that from but the lady walks away. My mom could not figure out where I got that idea until dinner time when I am talking and then I repeat what she said to dad and mom realized she did say she isn't like them and I heard it wrong. My mom never bothered trying to talk to her to sort out the misunderstanding and our neighbor next door said to my mother "Oh she'll get over it, that's Beth."
And over the years they have parties and invite the neighbors over but not invite us because of what happened when I was little. Our other neighbors said, "We don't need to go over there and see all those people there we don't like." I think they said that to make my mom feel better even though she didn't really care or else she would have cleared the misunderstanding years ago or tried to if she really cared.
I caused my family to be outcasts :lol:



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02 Aug 2009, 12:35 am

I relate so much to this. I have to be very careful with my bluntness because it can get me into a lot of trouble.

I heard that my mum is overweight and the doctor says if she puts on anymore weight she'll be at risk for diabetes and other health problems. So, as a concerned daughter I want to help her lose weight, but I go about this the wrong way and often offend her. I want her to stop snacking at night but she gets angry at me if I try to stop her.
I'm at such a loss to help her.
And she often calls people fat but if I say 'well you are too' I know she will get angry at me.


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02 Aug 2009, 11:51 am

I get this so well.

I've always been about as subtle as a house brick thrown with great force. Honest to a fault, but not exactly tactful.

So often I just wish I could freely indulge myself and say exactly what I think... and then leave the wounded to lay where they fell... instead of vainly trying to make sure that what I say will not offend any one in any way before I say something. Only to find that... oops... I did it again.


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