How to explain things about your AS child to others...

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I'm needing a little bit of advice.

A friend of mine, best female friend, knows that I have Asperger's, and knows my son has it as well.

I have on numerous occasions tried to explain to her that when my son gets overwhelmed, he starts hitting people, spinning in circles, etc. He also hits others thinking that is how he is supposed to play (as a lot of kids will do that to pick on one another).

I am working with him on the hitting people, but she doesn't seem to have the same philosophy as I do in discipline about it when her daughter joins in on it.

We have an extremely strict "no wrestling" rule in the house (which is terribly difficult to enforce when the other parent is sitting right next to me watching it all go on and saying absolutely nothing)... mainly for this reason, and also because if he hits his head just right, he could lose full vision (he is blind in one eye and has half vision in the other). He's had much trouble in school because of the hitting as well.

She hasn't explained this to her daughter (as far as I am aware, I'm the only one who has explained it to her, and it seems disregarded coming from me), or gotten onto her for doing things back to him when it happens, and I'm finding myself getting very frustrated. She kind of seems to have the attitude of "well if he hits you, hit him back"... but my rule is "if he hits you, let me know so I can go do some calming exercises with him because it is very likely he may just be overstimulated".

He has even gotten to the point where he can express when he's just getting overwhelmed. He'll tell her, "I can't deal with being touched right now," or "I don't want anyone near me at the moment."... but she will still start the poking and pushing and all of that right after he says it.

Well, her girl is 7, my son is 8, but her daughter is twice the size of my son and has on multiple occasions left huge bruises on him because she instantly reacts to it and punches him. I've found him doubled over almost throwing up before due to it as well.

I'm just wondering if any other AS parents... or NT parents for that matter, have any ideas on how to deal with this, as I've told them the rules SEVERAL times, and my son is the one always in the end of it laying on the floor crying and upset because he doesn't understand why she is literally going for causing pain instead of playing.

I've even sat down with the girl and explained "Look, you are twice his size and much much stronger than him... if you hit him, you could hurt him very seriously. The rule is, if he does it, you come to me and tell me before retaliating."

I'm just at a loss on this one... I'm almost thinking of making a new rule that if he gets hurt by her, she has to leave immediately and cannot return for 2 days to play. It's just gotten that serious, and has become an all the time thing-her disregarding the rule, and her mom not really saying anything about it when it happens....

What should I do? Is there a better way I can explain these things, or am I straight forward and she is just literally ignoring what I say? Is the idea of 2 days of not being allowed over too much, or do you think it would just get the point across that I'm not putting up with that anymore?

*I forgot to mention that it makes it harder as well because they are best friends. My son is convinced he is going to marry her one day (he says "it's only logical that we'll wind up married since you are the only girl I know... but I can't marry you until I'm over 18. I'll let you know though if I ever meet any other girls.")

That sounds like a good rule, and not unreasonable, considering how you've already tried explaining multiple times. Maybe if you do that, your friend will get the idea that you're serious about what you're saying. (And maybe start to consider getting a little more control of her daughter in general..) It's hard to know what to do when people don't listen. D:


Hahaha, I like the last bit, that's really cute.

Yeah, my friend and I come up with scenarios of visiting their household if it were ever to happen based on how they are now. They are both very random in saying things that make no sense, so we imagine we'd be greeted with "Hey UNDERWEAR HEAD!" followed by gales of laughter.... then we would just shake our heads and walk away, figuring they are doing alright.

I would go a step further and the next time that she hits him, stop all play and make her stand in a corner. Your friend may be your very best friend, but she isn't parenting her child. In the interest of your child's safety this means that you will have to.

I have done time outs and such with her, but it just doesn't seem to work. That was why I was kind of pondering the "if you hit him back instead of telling me, you cannot come over for 2 days"... I just wonder if the point would actually get across, or if it'd start up again as soon as she came back over. For some reason I think 2 days is kind of extreme for a 7 year old, but I've told her so many times now...

Tell your son to hit her back. People like that only respond to negative repercussions for their actions or else they never learn. It's better to care about what is effective rather than what is considered "socially acceptable". If she assaults your son, he has every right to retaliate in self defense.

I've never agreed with the "hit them back thing" since hitting is a big thing we are working on because he does it randomly, I'm trying to eliminate that for the most part. Her mother told him that once, so he did, and the girl turned around and punched him in the stomach so hard that he doubled over and fell down. Mom just sat there and giggled about it... I think it was a nervous laughter thing, as she wasn't sure how to respond.

Last edited by anxiety25 on 09 Aug 2009, 5:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

I would like to make the point that autistic people have the right to defend themselves as well. I would also suggest that you keep your son and the girl apart so the problem is resolved.

Well if you have already tried time outs then I would say ban her from the house for two days, and if it keeps up after that then make it longer. However, as a caution if after implementing a two day rule she still is hitting him when she comes over... well I think she should be taken to therapy to see why she feels the need to be so violent.

Hitting a kid so hard that he is knocked over is not normal.

Yeah, I've noted the same thing... she is a very large girl, and is unaware of how strong she is. She almost knocks me over every single time she hugs me, and on a teeter totter bounces me right off of the seat barely even trying.

I wish I knew how to talk to her mother to let her know how incredibly serious this is... but I've tried several times, and she always just agrees with me, but it never stops it from happening, and doesn't really back me up on it so much.

We had an arrangement for a while, where we would stop them as soon as it starts-take things away, not take them to the park (if we were on the way there or if there were plans to it and all)... but it seems I'm the only one still adhering to them.

She doesn't get mad or anything when I yell at her girl or get onto her really bad, so I'm assuming she feels the same way... just wish she'd back me up on it, ya know?

Last edited by anxiety25 on 09 Aug 2009, 5:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oh no, no, no... I didn't mean that he doesn't have the right to defend himself in any way at all. My thing though is, logically, if I want him to stop hitting (as it causes him to be sent to the office in school, he's been suspended for hitting when overstimulated in an overly decorated class several times now), I can't tell him to hit, lol.

Later on, after he gets it under control when overexcited, overstimulated, and understands that to play with friends you don't just haul off and start wailing on them, lol... then it would be more of an idea. But hitting gets him into quite a bit of trouble, even with people who can figure out what is causing it.

If I encourage him to hit back when it happens, then I think it would be more confusion in trying to help him to stop as it is, and that would just cause even more problems overall, since he has a hard time stopping it in just normal situations... like during dinner, or when saying hi to a friend.

I agree, unfortunately I am not her mother, lol. I do know she has dealt with a LOT of bullying through school because of her size and strength-those kids are lucky she is usually passive about it and isn't the bully because I'm sure a lot of people would wind up hurt.

One neighbor mentioned... that maybe she has realized Zack is weaker and that is why she does it. I don't like to think of it that way, but it does crop up in my mind occasionally that it could be the victim of bullying finding someone weaker to bully so they don't feel so... oh, I don't know the word... so they don't feel like such a victim essentially.

Keep in mind that having Aspergers "Explains" the bad behavior, but it doesn't "Excuse" it.

The two day thing is a good idea. The girl needs to know that she's really not supposed to do that, seeing that there has been little to no consequences for her actions by her Mother, this may be the only option. Also, how is he supposed to learn not to hit if she keeps on doing it?

Is there a possibility that the girls Mother is just saying that she agrees to keep your friendship? I hope I'm not being bad by asking this?

It's possible that your friend thinks that your son's behaviour is just "boys being boys", and that if he gets hit often enough by her daughter, he'll eventually stop.

She might not connect the "hitting when overwhelmed" to Asperger's. She doesn't see YOU randomly hitting people, so she might think that the behaviour is unrelated.

Do not wait for disaster to strike! You must put the health and safety of your son ahead of his friendship with the girl, and ahead of your friendship with the mother. Clearly, the mother is not willing to protect your son.



Do not wait for her to hit him again. That could be the time that he is blinded forever. She has already hurt your son many times. The time to act is NOW, you do not need another instance of hitting as the excuse. It does not matter that you did not stand up about it at the time. You can stand up for it now.

I would keep her and your son separated until both the girl and her mother have demonstrated that they understand the gravity of the situation. The girl must demonstrate that she is committed to foregoing the amusement of taunting your son when he is wound up, to never hitting back, and she must be able to show (not just say) that she has built up her communication skills and self-control. The mother must demonstrate that she is committed to educating her daughter on appropriate behavior, to preventing physical harm when they are together, and to punishing her daughter for transgressions.

If they do this, I would still not let the mother supervise the two. I would be very concerned about retaliation and pent-up frustration surfacing in the girl when the two are reintroduced. For protection, I would hire a very firm, no-nonsense child care provider who has experience with children with special needs and who would not be afraid to defend your son from her daughter, to watch them closely and to physically separate them at the first moment of hitting. I would keep that provider around for several months until you are certain that the danger is past.

If you cannot afford such a provider, I would do what I had to do to protect my son: I would prevent the children from being together.

Have you considered whether the mother and daughter may be psychopathic (unable to feel remorse for wrongdoing, devoid of the ability to care for others, glib)? Psychopathy is biologically based, and cannot be changed. Psychopaths are liars and manipulators, they regard people as objects or resources, and they are very dangerous.

Even if these two are not psychopathic, they are physically endangering your son, and they must be stopped. Clearly, neither person has you or your son's best interests at heart. Frankly, I think you are putting up with abuse from your friend, and that you are teaching your son to put up with abuse from her daughter. I think you should raise your standards for who gets to be in your life and your son's life. In the long run, that lesson will be far more valuable than anything you or he would get from associating with these people.

I would find better friends for yourself and him if I were you. There are kind, sensitive children who will stop touching when he asks, who come from non-violent homes where hitting is never acceptable. Try meeting Quakers, Jains or Buddhists; many families in these traditions, particularly the Quakers adhere to religious prohibitions against violence.

Last edited by sg33 on 09 Aug 2009, 10:57 am, edited 1 time in total.